No More Learning

_Rosy_. As Hercules; and the best back-sword in the country.
Egad, he'll make the red coats keep their distance.

_Just. _ O the villains; this is St. Patrick's day, and the rascals
have been parading my house all the morning. I know they have a design
upon me; but I have taken all precautions: I have magazines of arms,
and if this fellow does but prove faithful, I shall be more at ease.

_Rosy_. Doubtless he'll be a comfort to you.


_Re-enter_ SERVANT.

_Ser_. There is a man below, inquires for Doctor Rosy.

_Rosy_. Show him up.

_Just_. Hold! a little caution--how does he look?

_Ser_. A country-looking fellow, your worship.

_Just_. Oh, well, well, for Doctor Rosy; these rascals try all
ways to get in here.

_Ser_. Yes, please your worship; there was one here this morning
wanted to speak to you; he said his name was Corporal Breakbones.

_Just_. Corporal Breakbones!

_Ser_. And Drummer Crackskull came again.

_Just_. Ay, did you ever hear of such a damned confounded crew?
Well, show the lad in here! [_Exit_ SERVANT. ]

_Rosy_. Ay, he'll be your porter; he'll give the rogues an
answer.


_Enter_ LIEUTENANT O'CONNOR, _disguised_.

_Just_. So, a tall--Efacks! what! has lost an eye?

_Rosy_. Only a bruise he got in taking seven or eight highwaymen.

_Just_. He has a damned wicked leer somehow with the other.

_Rosy_. Oh, no, he's bashful--a sheepish look----

_Just_. Well, my lad, what's your name?

_O'Con_. Humphrey Hum.

_Just_. Hum--I don't like Hum!

_O'Con_. But I be mostly called honest Humphrey----

_Rosy_. There, I told you so, of noted honesty.

_Just_. Well, honest Humphrey, the doctor has told you my terms,
and you are willing to serve, hey?

_O'Con_. And please your worship I shall be well content.

_Just_. Well, then, hark'ye, honest Humphrey,--you are sure now,
you will never be a rogue--never take a bribe hey, honest Humphrey?

_O'Con_. A bribe! what's that?

_Just. _ A very ignorant fellow indeed!

_Rosy_. His worship hopes you will not part with your honesty for
money.

_O'Con_. Noa, noa.

_Just_. Well said, Humphrey--my chief business with you is to
watch the motions of a rake-helly fellow here, one Lieutenant
O'Connor.

_Rosy_. Ay, you don't value the soldiers, do you, Humphrey?

_O'Con_. Not I; they are but zwaggerers, and you'll see they'll
be as much afraid of me as they would of their captain.

_Just_. And i'faith, Humphrey, you have a pretty cudgel there!

_O'Con_. Ay, the zwitch is better than nothing, but I should be
glad of a stouter: ha' you got such a thing in the house as an old
coach-pole, or a spare bed-post?

_Just_. Oons, what a dragon it is! --Well, Humphrey, come with
me. --I'll just show him to Bridget, doctor, and we'll agree. --Come
along, honest Humphrey. [_Exit_. ]

_O'Con_. My dear doctor, now remember to bring the justice
presently to the walk: I have a scheme to get into his confidence at
once.

_Rosy_. I will, I will. [_They shake hands_. ]


_Re-enter_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS.

_Just_. Why, honest Humphrey, hey! what the devil are you at?

_Rosy_. I was just giving him a little advice. --Well I must go
for the present. --Good-morning to your worship--you need not fear the
lieutenant while he is in your house.

_Just_. Well, get in, Humphrey. Good-morning to you, doctor. --
[_Exit_ DOCTOR ROSY. ] Come along, Humphrey. --Now I think I am a
match for the lieutenant and all his gang. [_Exeunt_. ]




ACT II.

SCENE I. --_A Street_.

_Enter_ SERJEANT TROUNCE, DRUMMER _and_ SOLDIERS.


_Trounce_. Come, silence your drum--there is no valour stirring
to-day. I thought St. Patrick would have given us a recruit or two to-
day.

_Sol_. Mark, serjeant!


_Enter two_ COUNTRYMEN.

_Trounce_. Oh! these are the lads I was looking for; they have
the look of gentlemen. --An't you single, my lads?

1 _Coun_. Yes, an please you, I be quite single: my relations be
all dead, thank heavens, more or less. I have but one poor mother left
in the world, and she's an helpless woman.

_Trounce_. Indeed! a very extraordinary case--quite your own
master then--the fitter to serve his Majesty. --Can you read?

1 _Coun_. Noa, I was always too lively to take to learning; but
John here is main clever at it.

_Trounce_. So, what you're a scholar, friend?

2 _Coun_. I was born so, measter. Feyther kept grammar-school.

_Trounce_. Lucky man--in a campaign or two put yourself down
chaplain to the regiment. And I warrant you have read of warriors and
heroes?

2 _Coun_. Yes, that I have: I have read of Jack the Giant Killer,
and the Dragon of Wantly, and the--Noa, I believe that's all in the
hero way, except once about a comet.

_Trounce_. Wonderful knowledge! --Well, my heroes, I'll write word
to the king of your good intentions, and meet me half an hour hence at
the Two Magpies.

_Coun_. We will, your honour, we will.

_Trounce_. But stay; for fear I shouldn't see you again in the
crowd, clap these little bits of ribbon into your hats.

1 _Coun_. Our hats are none of the best.

_Trounce_. Well, meet me at the Magpies, and I'll give you money
to buy new ones.

_Coun_. Bless your honour, thank your honour. [_Exeunt_. ]

_Trounce_. [_Winking at_ SOLDIERS. ] Jack! [_Exeunt_
SOLDIERS. ]


_Enter_ LIEUTENANT O'CONNOR.

So, here comes one would make a grenadier--Stop, friend, will you
list?

_O'Con_. Who shall I serve under?

_Trounce_. Under me, to be sure.

_O'Con_. Isn't Lieutenant O'Connor your officer?

_Trounce_. He is, and I am commander over him.

_O'Con_. What! be your serjeants greater than your captains?

_Trounce_. To be sure we are; 'tis our business to keep them in
order. For instance, now, the general writes to me, dear Serjeant, or
dear Trounce, or dear Serjeant Trounce, according to his hurry, if
your lieutenant does not demean himself accordingly, let me know. --
Yours, General Deluge.

_O'Con_. And do you complain of him often?

_Trounce_. No, hang him, the lad is good-natured at the bottom,
so I pass over small things. But hark'ee, between ourselves, he is
most confoundedly given to wenching.


_Enter_ CORPORAL FLINT.

_Flint_. Please your honour, the doctor is coming this way with
his worship--We are all ready, and have our cues. [_Exit_. ]

_O'Con_. Then, my dear Trounce, or my dear Sergeant, or my dear
Serjeant Trounce, take yourself away.

_Trounce_. Zounds! the lieutenant--I smell of the black hole
already. [_Exit_. ]


_Enter_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS _and_ DOCTOR ROSY.

_Just_. I thought I saw some of the cut-throats.

_Rosy_. I fancy not; there's no one but honest Humphrey. Ha! Odds
life, here comes some of them--we'll stay by these trees, and let them
pass.

_Just_. Oh, the bloody-looking dogs!

[_Walks aside with_ DOCTOR ROSY. ] _Re-enter_ CORPORAL FLINT
_and two_ SOLDIERS.

_Flint_. Halloa, friend!
do you serve Justice Credulous?

_O'Con_. I do.

_Flint_. Are you rich?

_O'Con_. Noa.

_Flint_. Nor ever will be with that old stingy booby. Look here--
take it. [_Gives him a purse_. ]

_O'Con_. What must I do for this?

_Flint_. Mark me, our lieutenant is in love with the old rogue's
daughter: help us to break his worship's bones, and carry off the
girl, and you are a made man.

_O'Con_. I'll see you hanged first, you pack of skurry villains!
[_Throws away the purse_. ]

_Flint_. What, sirrah, do you mutiny? Lay hold of him.

_O'Con_. Nay, then, I'll try your armour for you. [_Beats
them_. ]

_All_. Oh! oh! --quarter! quarter!

[_Exeunt_ CORPORAL FLINT _and_ SOLDIERS. ]

_Just_. [_Coming forward_. ] Trim them, trounce them, break
their bones, honest Humphrey--What a spirit he has!

_Rosy_. Aquafortis. _O'Con_. Betray your master!

_Rosy_. What a miracle of fidelity!

_Just_. Ay, and it shall not go unrewarded--I'll give him
sixpence on the spot. Here, honest Humphrey, there's for yourself: as
for this bribe, [_takes up the purse_,] such trash is best in the
hands of justice. Now, then, doctor, I think I may trust him to guard
the women: while he is with them I may go out with safety.

_Rosy_. Doubtless you may--I'll answer for the lieutenant's
behaviour whilst honest Humphrey is with your daughter.

_Just_. Ay, ay, she shall go nowhere without him. Come along,
honest Humphrey. How rare it is to meet with such a servant!
[_Exeunt_. ]




SCENE II. --_A Garden_.

LAURETTA _discovered. Enter_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS _and_
LIEUTENANT O'CONNOR.


_Just_. Why, you little truant, how durst you wander so far from
the house without my leave? Do you want to invite that scoundrel
lieutenant to scale the walls and carry you off?

_Lau_. Lud, papa, you are so apprehensive for nothing.

_Just_. Why, hussy----

_Lau_. Well, then, I can't bear to be shut up all day so like a
nun. I am sure it is enough to make one wish to be run away with--and
I wish I was run away with--I do--and I wish the lieutenant knew it.

_Just_. You do, do you, hussy? Well, I think I'll take pretty
good care of you. Here, Humphrey, I leave this lady in your care. Now
you may walk about the garden, Miss Pert; but Humphrey shall go with
you wherever you go. So mind, honest Humphrey, I am obliged to go
abroad for a little while; let no one but yourself come near her;
don't be shame-faced, you booby, but keep close to her. And now, miss,
let your lieutenant or any of his crew come near you if they can.
[_Exit_. ]

_Lau_. How this booby stares after him! [_Sits down and
sings_. ]

_O'Con_. Lauretta!

_Lau_. Not so free, fellow! [_Sings_. ]

_O'Con_. Lauretta! look on me.

_Lau_. Not so free, fellow!

_O'Con_. No recollection!

_Lau_. Honest Humphrey, be quiet.

_O'Con_. Have you forgot your faithful soldier?

_Lau_. Ah! Oh preserve me!

_O'Con_. 'Tis, my soul! your truest slave, passing on your father
in this disguise.

_Lau_. Well now, I declare this is charming--you are so
disguised, my dear lieutenant, and you look so delightfully ugly. I am
sure no one will find you out, ha! ha! ha! --You know I am under your
protection; papa charged you to keep close to me.

_O'Con_. True, my angel, and thus let me fulfil----

_Lau_. O pray now, dear Humphrey----

_O'Con_. Nay, 'tis but what old Mittimus commanded. [_Offers to
kiss her_. ]


_Re-enter_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS.

_Just_. Laury, my--hey! what the devil's here?

_Lau_. Well now, one kiss, and be quiet.

_Just_. Your very humble servant, honest Humphrey! Don't let me--
pray don't let me interrupt you!

_Lau_. Lud, papa! Now that's so good-natured--indeed there's no
harm. You did not mean any rudeness, did you, Humphrey?

_O'Con_. No, indeed, miss; his worship knows it is not in me.

_Just_. I know that you are a lying, canting, hypocritical
scoundrel; and if you don't take yourself out of my sight----

_Lau_. Indeed, papa, now I'll tell you how it was. I was sometime
taken with a sudden giddiness, and Humphrey seeing me beginning to
totter, ran to my assistance, quite frightened, poor fellow, and took
me in his arms.

_Just_. Oh! was that all--nothing but a little giddiness, hey!

_O'Con_. That's all, indeed, your worship; for seeing miss change
colour, I ran up instantly.

_Just_. Oh, 'twas very kind in you!

_O'Con_. And luckily recovered her.

_Just_. And who made you a doctor, you impudent rascal, hey? Get
out of my sight, I say, this instant, or by all the statutes--

_Lau_. Oh now, papa, you frighten me, and I am giddy again! --Oh,
help!

_O'Con_. O dear lady, she'll fall! [_Takes her into his
arms_. ]

_Just_. Zounds! what before my face--why then, thou miracle of
impudence! --[_Lays hold of him and discovers him_. ]--Mercy on me,
who have we here? --Murder! Robbery! Fire! Rape! Gunpowder! Soldiers!
John! Susan! Bridget!

_O'Con_. Good sir, don't be alarmed; I mean you no harm.

_Just_. Thieves! Robbers! Soldiers!

_O'Con_. You know my love for your daughter--

_Just_. Fire! Cut-throats!

_O'Con_. And that alone--

_Just_. Treason! Gunpowder!


_Enter a_ SERVANT _with a blunderbuss_.

Now, scoundrel! let her go this instant.

_Lau_. O papa, you'll kill me!

_Just_. Honest Humphrey, be advised. Ay, miss, this way, if you
please.

_O'Con_. Nay, sir, but hear me----

_Just_. I'll shoot.

_O'Con_. And you'll be convinced----

_Just_. I'll shoot.

_O'Con_. How injurious----

_Just_. I'll shoot--and so your very humble servant, honest
Humphrey Hum. [_Exeunt separately_. ]




SCENE III. --_A Walk_.

_Enter_ DOCTOR ROSY.


_Rosy_. Well, I think my friend is now in a fair way of
succeeding. Ah! I warrant he is full of hope and fear, doubt and
anxiety; truly he has the fever of love strong upon him: faint,
peevish, languishing all day, with burning, restless nights. Ah! just
my case when I pined for my poor dear Dolly! when she used to have her
daily colics, and her little doctor be sent for. Then would I
interpret the language of her pulse--declare my own sufferings in my
receipt for her--send her a pearl necklace in a pill-box, or a cordial
draught with an acrostic on the label. Well, those days are over: no
happiness lasting: all is vanity--now sunshine, now cloudy--we are, as
it were, king and beggar--then what avails----


_Enter_ LIEUTENANT O'CONNOR.