No More Learning

_Pa. _ Why nothing at all, but I began to think of hanging myself.

_Gl. _ Was your Father so implacable then? For such a Loss might be made
up again; and an Allowance is always to be made to one that makes the
first Essay, and much more it ought to be to one that tries all Things.

_Pa. _ Tho' what you say may be true, I lost my Wife in the mean Time.
For as soon as the Maid's Parents came to understand what they must
expect, they would have no more to do with me, and I was over Head and
Ears in Love.

_Gl. _ I pity thee. But what did you propose to yourself after that?

_Pa. _ To do as it is usual in desperate Cases. My Father had cast me
off, my Fortune was consum'd, my Wife was lost, I was every where call'd
a Sot, a Spendthrift, a Rake and what not? Then I began to deliberate
seriously with myself, whether I should hang myself or no, or whether I
should throw myself into a Monastery.

_Eu. _ You were cruelly put to it! I know which you would chuse, the
easier Way of Dying.

_Pa. _ Nay, sick was I of Life itself; I pitched upon that which seem'd
to me the most painful.

_Gl. _ And yet many People cast themselves into Monasteries, that they
may live more comfortably there.

_Pa. _ Having got together a little Money to bear my Charges, I stole out
of my own Country.

_Gl. _ Whither did you go at last?

_Pa. _ Into _Ireland_, there I became a Canon Regular of that Order that
wear Linnen outwards and Woollen next their Skin.

_Gl. _ Did you spend your Winter in _Ireland_?

_Pa. _ No. But by that Time I had been among them two Months I sail'd
into _Scotland_.

_Gl. _ What displeas'd you among them?

_Pa. _ Nothing, but that I thought their Discipline was not severe enough
for the Deserts of one, that once Hanging was too good for.

_Gl. _ Well, what past in _Scotland_?

_Pa. _ Then I chang'd my Linnen Habit for a Leathern one, among the
Carthusians.

_Eu. _ These are the Men, that in Strictness of Profession, are dead to
the World.

_Pa. _ It seem'd so to me, when I heard them Singing.

_Gl. _ What? Do dead Men sing? But how many Months did you spend among
the _Scots_?

_Pa. _ Almost six.

_Gl. _ A wonderful Constancy.

_Eu. _ What offended you there?

_Pa. _ Because it seem'd to me to be a lazy, delicate Sort of Life; and
then I found there, many that were not of a very sound Brain, by Reason
of their Solitude. I had but a little Brain myself, and I was afraid I
should lose it all.

_Po. _ Whither did you take your next Flight?

_Pa. _ Into France: There I found some cloath'd all in Black, of the
Order of St. Benedict, who intimate by the Colour of their Cloaths, that
they are Mourners in this World; and among these, there were some, that
for their upper Garment wore Hair-Cloth like a Net.

_Gl. _ A grievous Mortification of the Flesh.

_Pa. _ Here I stay'd eleven Months.

_Eu. _ What was the Matter that you did not stay there for good and all?

_Pa. _ Because I found there were more Ceremonies than true Piety: And
besides, I heard that there were some who were much holier, which
_Bernard_ had enjoin'd a more severe Discipline, the black Habit being
chang'd into a white one; with these I liv'd ten Months.

_Eu. _ What disgusted you here?

_Pa. _ I did not much dislike any Thing, for I found them very good
Company; but the _Greek_ Proverb ran in my Mind;

[Greek: Dei tas chelônas ê phagein ê mê phagein. ]

_One must either eat Snails, or eat nothing at all. _

Therefore I came to a Resolution, either not to be a Monk, or to be a
Monk to Perfection. I had heard there were some of the Order of St.
_Bridget_, that were really heavenly Men, I betook myself to these.

_Eu. _ How many Months did you stay there?

_Pa. _ Two Days; but not quite that.

_Gl. _ Did that Kind of Life please you no better than so?

_Pa. _ They take no Body in, but those that will profess themselves
presently; but I was not yet come to that Pitch of Madness, so easily to
put my Neck into such a Halter, that I could never get off again. And as
often as I heard the Nuns singing, the Thoughts of my Mistress that I
had lost, tormented my Mind.

_Gl. _ Well, and what after this?

_Pa. _ My Mind was inflamed with the Love of Holiness; nor yet had I met
with any Thing that could satisfy it. At last, as I was walking up and
down, I fell in among some Cross-Bearers. This Badge pleas'd me at first
Sight; but the Variety hindered me from chusing which to take to. Some
carried a white Cross, some a red Cross, some a green Cross, some a
party-colour'd Cross, some a single Cross, some a double one, some a
quadruple, and others some of one Form, and some of another; and I, that
I might leave nothing untry'd, I carried some of every Sort. But I found
in reality, that there was a great Difference between carrying a Cross
on a Gown or a Coat, and carrying it in the Heart. At last, being tired
with Enquiry, it came into my Mind, that to arrive at universal Holiness
all at once, I would take a Journey to the holy Land, and so would
return Home with a Back-Load of Sanctimony.

_Po. _ And did you go thither?

_Pa. _ Yes.

_Po. _ Where did you get Money to bear your Charges?

_Pa. _ I wonder it never came into your Head, to ask that before now, and
not to have enquir'd after that a great While ago: But you know the old
Proverb; _a Man of Art will live any where_.

_Gl. _ What Art do you carry with you?

_Pa. _ Palmistry.

_Gl. _ Where did you learn it?

_Pa. _ What signifies that?

_Gl. _ Who was your Master?

_Pa. _ My Belly, the great Master of all Arts: I foretold Things past,
present, and to come.

_Gl. _ And did you know any Thing of the Matter?

_Pa. _ Nothing at all; but I made bold Guesses, and run no Risque
neither, having got my Money first.

_Po. _ And was so ridiculous an Art sufficient to maintain you?

_Pa. _ It was, and two Servants too: There is every where such a Number
of foolish young Fellows and Wenches. However, when I came to
_Jerusalem_, I put myself into the Train of a rich Nobleman, who being
seventy Years of Age, said he could never have died in Peace, unless he
had first visited _Jerusalem_.

_Eu. _ What, did he leave a Wife at Home?

_Pa. _ Yes, and six Children.

_Eu. _ O impious, pious, old Man! Well, and did you come back holy from
thence?

_Pa. _ Shall I tell you the Truth? Somewhat worse than I went.

_Eu. _ So, as I hear, your Religion was grown cool.

_Pa. _ Nay, it grew more hot: So I went back into _Italy_, and enter'd
into the Army.

_Eu. _ What, then, did you look for Religion in the Camp. Than which,
what is there that can be more impious?

_Pa. _ It was a holy War.

_Eu. _ Perhaps against the _Turks_.

_Pa. _ Nay, more holy than that, as they indeed gave out at that Time.

_Eu. _ What was that?

_Pa. _ Pope _Julius_ the Second made War upon the _French_. And the
Experience of many Things that it gives a Man, made me fancy a Soldier's
Life.

_Eu. _ Of many Things indeed; but wicked ones.

_Pa. _ So I found afterwards: But however, I liv'd harder here, than I
did in the Monasteries.

_Eu. _ And what did you do after this?

_Pa. _ Now my Mind began to be wavering, whether I should return to my
Business of a Merchant, that I had laid aside, or press forward in
Pursuit of Religion that fled before me. In the mean Time it came into
my Mind, that I might follow both together.

_Eu. _ What, be a Merchant and a Monk both together?

_Pa. _ Why not? There is nothing more religious than the Orders of
Mendicants, and there is nothing more like to Trading. They fly over
Sea and Land, they see many Things, they hear many Things, they enter
into the Houses of common People, Noblemen, and Kings.

_Eu. _ Ay, but they don't Trade for Gain.

_Pa. _ Very often, with better Success than we do.

_Eu. _ Which of these Orders did you make Choice of?

_Pa. _ I try'd them all.

_Eu. _ Did none of them please you?

_Pa. _ I lik'd them all well enough, if I might but presently have gone
to Trading; but I consider'd in my Mind, I must labour a long Time in
the Choir, before I could be qualified for the Trust: So now I began to
think how I might get to be made an Abbot: But, I thought with myself,
_Kissing goes by Favour_, and it will be a tedious Pursuit: So having
spent eight Years after this Manner, hearing of my Father's Death, I
return'd Home, and by my Mother's Advice, I marry'd, and betook myself
to my old Business of Traffick.

_Gl. _ Prithee tell me, when you chang'd your Habit so often, and were
transform'd, as it were, into another Sort of Creature, how could you
behave yourself with a proper Decorum?

_Pa. _ Why not, as well as those who in the same Comedy act several
Parts?

_Eu. _ Tell us now in good earnest, you that have try'd every Sort of
Life, which you most approve of.

_Pa. So many Men, so many Minds:_ I like none better than this which I
follow.

_Eu. _ But there are a great many Inconveniences attend it.

_Pa. _ There are so. But seeing there is no State of Life, that is
entirely free from Incommodities, this being my Lot, I make the best
on't: But now here is _Eusebius_ still, I hope he will not think much to
acquaint his Friends with some Scenes of his Course of Life.

_Eu. _ Nay, with the whole Play of it, if you please to hear it, for it
does not consist of many Acts.

_Gl. _ It will be a very great Favour.

_Eu. _ When I return'd to my own Country, I took a Year to deliberate
what Way of Living to chuse, and examin'd myself, to what Employment my
Inclination led me, and I was fit for.
In the mean Time a Prebendary was
offered me, as they call it; it was a good fat Benefice, and I accepted
it.

_Gl. _ That Sort of Life has no good Reputation among People.

_Eu. _ As human Affairs go, I thought it was a Thing well worth the
accepting. Do you look upon it a small Happiness to have so many
Advantages to fall into a Man's Mouth, as tho' they dropt out of Heaven;
handsome Houses well furnish'd, a large Revenue, an honourable Society,
and a Church at Hand, to serve God in, when you have a Mind to it?

_Pa. _ I was scandaliz'd at the Luxury of the Persons, and the Infamy of
their Concubines; and because a great many of that Sort of Men have an
Aversion to Learning.

_Eu. _ I don't mind what others do, but what I ought to do myself, and
associate myself with the better Sort, if I cannot make them that are
bad better.

_Po. _ And is that the State of Life you have always liv'd in?

_Eu. _ Always, except four Years, that I liv'd at _Padua_.

_Po. _ What did you do there?

_Eu. _ These Years I divided in this Manner; I studied Physick a Year and
a half, and the rest of the Time Divinity.

_Po. _ Why so?

_Eu. _ That I might the better manage both Soul and Body, and also
sometimes be helpful by Way of Advice to my Friends. I preached
sometimes according to my Talent. And under these Circumstances, I have
led a very quiet Life, being content with a single Benefice, not being
ambitiously desirous of any more, and should have refus'd it, if it had
been offered me.

_Pa. _ I wish we could learn how the rest of our old Companions have
liv'd, that were our Familiars.

_Eu. _ I can tell you somewhat of some of them: but I see we are not far
from the City; therefore, if you are willing, we will all take up the
same Inn, and there we will talk over the rest at Leisure.

_Hugh. [a Waggoner. ]_ You blinking Fellow, where did you take up this
Rubbish?

_Harry the Waggoner. _ Where are you carrying that Harlottry, you Pimp?

_Hugh. _ You ought to throw these frigid old Fellows somewhere into a Bed
of Nettles, to make them grow warm again.

_Harry. _ Do you see that you shoot that Herd of yours somewhere into a
Pond to cool them, to lay their Concupiscence, for they are too hot.

_Hugh. _ I am not us'd to overturn my Passengers.

_Harry. _ No? but I saw you a little While ago, overturn Half a Dozen
Carthusians into the Mire, so that tho' they went in white, they came
out black, and you stood grinning at it, as if you had done some noble
Exploit.

_Hugh. _ I was in the Right of it, they were all asleep, and added a dead
Weight to my Waggon.

_Harry. _ But these old Gentlemen, by talking merrily all the Way, have
made my Waggon go light. I never had a better Fare.

_Hugh. _ But you don't use to like such Passengers.

_Harry. _ But these are good old Men.

_Hugh. _ How do you know that?

_Harry. _ Because they made me drink humming Ale, three Times by the Way.

_Hugh. _ Ha, ha, ha, then they are good to you.




_The FRANCISCANS,_ [Greek: Ptôchoplousioi], _or RICH BEGGARS. _


The ARGUMENT.

_The_ Franciscans, _or rich poor Persons, are not
admitted into the House of a Country Parson_. Pandocheus
_jokes wittily upon them. The Habit is not to be
accounted odious. The Life and Death of the_ Franciscans.
_Of the foolish Pomp of Habits. The Habits of Monks are
not in themselves evil. What Sort of Persons Monks ought
to be. The Use of Garments is for Necessity and Decency.
What Decency is. Whence arose the Variety of Habits and
Garments among the Monks. That there was in old Time no
Superstition in the Habits. _


CONRADE, _a Bernardine_ Monk, _a_ Parson, _an_ Inn-Keeper _and his_
Wife.

_Con. _ Hospitality becomes a Pastor.

_Pars. _ But I am a Pastor of Sheep; I don't love Wolves.

_Con. _ But perhaps you don't hate a Wench so much. But what Harm have we
done you, that you have such an Aversion to us, that you won't so much
as admit us under your Roof? We won't put you to the Charge of a Supper.

_Pars. _ I'll tell ye, because if you spy but a Hen or a Chicken in a
Body's House, I should be sure to hear of it to-Morrow in the Pulpit.
This is the Gratitude you shew for your being entertain'd.

_Con. _ We are not all such Blabs.

_Pars. _ Well, be what you will, I'd scarce put Confidence in St.
_Peter_ himself, if he came to me in such a Habit.

_Con. _ If that be your Resolution, at least tell us where is an Inn.

_Pars. _ There's a publick Inn here in the Town.

_Con. _ What Sign has it?

_Pars. _ Upon a Board that hangs up, you will see a Dog thrusting his
Head into a Porridge-Pot: This is acted to the Life in the Kitchen; and
a Wolf sits at the Bar.

_Con. _ That's an unlucky Sign.

_Pars. _ You may e'en make your best on't.

_Ber. _ What Sort of a Pastor is this? we might be starv'd for him.

_Con. _ If he feeds his Sheep no better than he feeds us, they must needs
be very lean.

_Ber. _ In a difficult Case, we had Need of good Counsel: What shall we
do?

_Con. _ We must set a good Face on't.

_Ber. _ There's little to be gotten by Modesty, in a Case of Necessity.

_Con. _ Very right, St. _Francis_ will be with us.

_Ber. _ Let's try our Fortune then.

_Con. _ We won't stay for our Host's Answer at the Door, but we'll rush
directly into the Stove, and we won't easily be gotten out again.

_Ber. _ O impudent Trick!

_Con. _ This is better than to lie abroad all Night, and be frozen to
Death. In the mean Time, put Bashfulness in your Wallet to Day, and take
it out again to-Morrow.

_Ber. _ Indeed, the Matter requires it.

_Innk. _ What Sort of Animals do I see here?

_Con. _ We are the Servants of God, and the Sons of St. _Francis_, good
Man.

_Innk. _ I don't know what Delight God may take in such Servants; but I
would not have many of them in my House.

_Con. _ Why so?

_Innk. _ Because at Eating and Drinking, you are more than Men; but you
have neither Hands nor Feet to work. Ha, ha! You Sons of St. _Francis_,
you use to tell us in the Pulpit, that he was a pure Batchelor, and has
he got so many Sons?

_Con. _ We are the Children of the Spirit, not of the Flesh.

_Innk. _ A very unhappy Father, for your Mind is the worst Part about
you; but your Bodies are too lusty, and as to that Part of you, it is
better with you, than 'tis for our Interest, who have Wives and
Daughters.

_Con. _ Perhaps you suspect that we are some of those that degenerate
from the Institutions of our Founder; we are strict Observers of them.

_Innk. _ And I'll observe you too, that you don't do me any Damage, for I
have a mortal Aversion for this Sort of Cattle.

_Con. _ Why so, I pray?

_Innk. _ Because you carry Teeth in your Head, but no Money in your
Pocket; and such Sort of Guests are very unwelcome to me.

_Con. _ But we take Pains for you.

_Innk. _ Shall I shew you after what Manner you labour for me?

_Con. _ Do, shew us.

_Innk. _ Look upon that Picture there, just by you, on your left Hand,
there you'll see a Wolf a Preaching, and behind him a Goose, thrusting
her Head out of a Cowl: There again, you'll see a Wolf absolving one at
Confession; but a Piece of a Sheep, hid under his Gown, hangs out. There
you see an Ape in a _Franciscan_'s Habit, he holds forth a Cross in one
Hand, and has the other Hand in the sick Man's Purse.

_Con. _ We don't deny, but sometimes Wolves, Foxes and Apes are cloathed
with this Habit, nay we confess oftentimes that Swine, Dogs, Horses,
Lions and Basilisks are conceal'd under it; but then the same Garment
covers many honest Men. As a Garment makes no Body better, so it makes
no Body worse. It is unjust to judge of a Man by his Cloaths; for if so,
the Garment that you wear sometimes were to be accounted detestable,
because it covers many Thieves, Murderers, Conjurers, and Whoremasters.

_Innk. _ Well, I'll dispense with your Habit, if you'll but pay your
Reckonings.

_Con. _ We'll pray to God for you.

_Innk. _ And I'll pray to God for you, and there's one for t'other.

_Con. _ But there are some Persons that you must not take Money of.

_Innk. _ How comes it that you make a Conscience of touching any?

_Con. _ Because it does not consist with our Profession.

_Innk. _ Nor does it stand with my Profession to entertain Guests for
nothing.

_Con. _ But we are tied up by a Rule not to touch Money.

_Innk. _ And my Rule commands me quite the contrary.

_Con. _ What Rule is yours?

_Innk. _ Read those Verses:

_Guests at this Table, when you've eat while you're able.
Rise not hence before you have first paid your Score. _

_Con. _ We'll be no Charge to you.

_Innk. _ But they that are no Charge to me are no Profit to me neither.

_Con. _ If you do us any good Office here, God will make it up to you
sufficiently.

_Innk. _ But these Words won't keep my Family.

_Con. _ We'll hide ourselves in some Corner of the Stove, and won't be
troublesome to any Body.

_Innk. _ My Stove won't hold such Company.

_Con. _ What, will you thrust us out of Doors then? It may be we shall be
devour'd by Wolves to Night.