No More Learning

If I didn't have my parents to
think about I'd have given in my notice a long time ago, I'd have
gone up to the boss and told him just what I think, tell him
everything I would, let him know just what I feel. He'd fall right
off his desk! And it's a funny sort of business to be sitting up
there at your desk, talking down at your subordinates from up there,
especially when you have to go right up close because the boss is
hard of hearing. Well, there's still some hope; once I've got the
money together to pay off my parents' debt to him - another five or
six years I suppose - that's definitely what I'll do. That's when
I'll make the big change. First of all though, I've got to get up,
my train leaves at five. "

And he looked over at the alarm clock, ticking on the chest of
drawers. "God in Heaven! " he thought. It was half past six and the
hands were quietly moving forwards, it was even later than half
past, more like quarter to seven. Had the alarm clock not rung? He
could see from the bed that it had been set for four o'clock as it
should have been; it certainly must have rung. Yes, but was it
possible to quietly sleep through that furniture-rattling noise?
True, he had not slept peacefully, but probably all the more deeply
because of that. What should he do now? The next train went at
seven; if he were to catch that he would have to rush like mad and
the collection of samples was still not packed, and he did not at
all feel particularly fresh and lively. And even if he did catch
the train he would not avoid his boss's anger as the office
assistant would have been there to see the five o'clock train go, he
would have put in his report about Gregor's not being there a long
time ago. The office assistant was the boss's man, spineless, and
with no understanding. What about if he reported sick? But that
would be extremely strained and suspicious as in fifteen years of
service Gregor had never once yet been ill. His boss would
certainly come round with the doctor from the medical insurance
company, accuse his parents of having a lazy son, and accept the
doctor's recommendation not to make any claim as the doctor believed
that no-one was ever ill but that many were workshy. And what's
more, would he have been entirely wrong in this case? Gregor did in
fact, apart from excessive sleepiness after sleeping for so long,
feel completely well and even felt much hungrier than usual.

He was still hurriedly thinking all this through, unable to decide
to get out of the bed, when the clock struck quarter to seven.
There was a cautious knock at the door near his head. "Gregor",
somebody called - it was his mother - "it's quarter to seven.
Didn't you want to go somewhere? " That gentle voice! Gregor was
shocked when he heard his own voice answering, it could hardly be
recognised as the voice he had had before. As if from deep inside
him, there was a painful and uncontrollable squeaking mixed in with
it, the words could be made out at first but then there was a sort
of echo which made them unclear, leaving the hearer unsure whether
he had heard properly or not. Gregor had wanted to give a full
answer and explain everything, but in the circumstances contented
himself with saying: "Yes, mother, yes, thank-you, I'm getting up
now. " The change in Gregor's voice probably could not be noticed
outside through the wooden door, as his mother was satisfied with
this explanation and shuffled away. But this short conversation
made the other members of the family aware that Gregor, against
their expectations was still at home, and soon his father came
knocking at one of the side doors, gently, but with his fist.
"Gregor, Gregor", he called, "what's wrong? " And after a short
while he called again with a warning deepness in his voice: "Gregor!
Gregor! " At the other side door his sister came plaintively:
"Gregor? Aren't you well? Do you need anything? " Gregor answered to
both sides: "I'm ready, now", making an effort to remove all the
strangeness from his voice by enunciating very carefully and putting
long pauses between each, individual word. His father went back to
his breakfast, but his sister whispered: "Gregor, open the door, I
beg of you. " Gregor, however, had no thought of opening the door,
and instead congratulated himself for his cautious habit, acquired
from his travelling, of locking all doors at night even when he was
at home.

The first thing he wanted to do was to get up in peace without being
disturbed, to get dressed, and most of all to have his breakfast.
Only then would he consider what to do next, as he was well aware
that he would not bring his thoughts to any sensible conclusions by
lying in bed. He remembered that he had often felt a slight pain in
bed, perhaps caused by lying awkwardly, but that had always turned
out to be pure imagination and he wondered how his imaginings would
slowly resolve themselves today. He did not have the slightest
doubt that the change in his voice was nothing more than the first
sign of a serious cold, which was an occupational hazard for
travelling salesmen.

It was a simple matter to throw off the covers; he only had to blow
himself up a little and they fell off by themselves. But it became
difficult after that, especially as he was so exceptionally broad.
He would have used his arms and his hands to push himself up; but
instead of them he only had all those little legs continuously
moving in different directions, and which he was moreover unable to
control. If he wanted to bend one of them, then that was the first
one that would stretch itself out; and if he finally managed to do
what he wanted with that leg, all the others seemed to be set free
and would move about painfully. "This is something that can't be
done in bed", Gregor said to himself, "so don't keep trying to do
it".

The first thing he wanted to do was get the lower part of his body
out of the bed, but he had never seen this lower part, and could not
imagine what it looked like; it turned out to be too hard to move;
it went so slowly; and finally, almost in a frenzy, when he
carelessly shoved himself forwards with all the force he could
gather, he chose the wrong direction, hit hard against the lower
bedpost, and learned from the burning pain he felt that the lower
part of his body might well, at present, be the most sensitive.

So then he tried to get the top part of his body out of the bed
first, carefully turning his head to the side. This he managed
quite easily, and despite its breadth and its weight, the bulk of
his body eventually followed slowly in the direction of the head.
But when he had at last got his head out of the bed and into the
fresh air it occurred to him that if he let himself fall it would be
a miracle if his head were not injured, so he became afraid to carry
on pushing himself forward the same way. And he could not knock
himself out now at any price; better to stay in bed than lose
consciousness.

It took just as much effort to get back to where he had been
earlier, but when he lay there sighing, and was once more watching
his legs as they struggled against each other even harder than
before, if that was possible, he could think of no way of bringing
peace and order to this chaos. He told himself once more that it
was not possible for him to stay in bed and that the most sensible
thing to do would be to get free of it in whatever way he could at
whatever sacrifice. At the same time, though, he did not forget to
remind himself that calm consideration was much better than rushing
to desperate conclusions. At times like this he would direct his
eyes to the window and look out as clearly as he could, but
unfortunately, even the other side of the narrow street was
enveloped in morning fog and the view had little confidence or cheer
to offer him. "Seven o'clock, already", he said to himself when the
clock struck again, "seven o'clock, and there's still a fog like
this. " And he lay there quietly a while longer, breathing lightly
as if he perhaps expected the total stillness to bring things back
to their real and natural state.

But then he said to himself: "Before it strikes quarter past seven
I'll definitely have to have got properly out of bed. And by then
somebody will have come round from work to ask what's happened to me
as well, as they open up at work before seven o'clock. " And so he
set himself to the task of swinging the entire length of his body
out of the bed all at the same time. If he succeeded in falling out
of bed in this way and kept his head raised as he did so he could
probably avoid injuring it. His back seemed to be quite hard, and
probably nothing would happen to it falling onto the carpet. His
main concern was for the loud noise he was bound to make, and which
even through all the doors would probably raise concern if not
alarm. But it was something that had to be risked.

When Gregor was already sticking half way out of the bed - the new
method was more of a game than an effort, all he had to do was rock
back and forth - it occurred to him how simple everything would be
if somebody came to help him. Two strong people - he had his father
and the maid in mind - would have been more than enough; they would
only have to push their arms under the dome of his back, peel him
away from the bed, bend down with the load and then be patient and
careful as he swang over onto the floor, where, hopefully, the
little legs would find a use. Should he really call for help
though, even apart from the fact that all the doors were locked?
Despite all the difficulty he was in, he could not suppress a smile
at this thought.

After a while he had already moved so far across that it would have
been hard for him to keep his balance if he rocked too hard. The
time was now ten past seven and he would have to make a final
decision very soon. Then there was a ring at the door of the flat.
"That'll be someone from work", he said to himself, and froze very
still, although his little legs only became all the more lively as
they danced around. For a moment everything remained quiet.
"They're not opening the door", Gregor said to himself, caught in
some nonsensical hope. But then of course, the maid's firm steps
went to the door as ever and opened it. Gregor only needed to hear
the visitor's first words of greeting and he knew who it was - the
chief clerk himself. Why did Gregor have to be the only one
condemned to work for a company where they immediately became highly
suspicious at the slightest shortcoming? Were all employees, every
one of them, louts, was there not one of them who was faithful and
devoted who would go so mad with pangs of conscience that he
couldn't get out of bed if he didn't spend at least a couple of
hours in the morning on company business? Was it really not enough
to let one of the trainees make enquiries - assuming enquiries were
even necessary - did the chief clerk have to come himself, and did
they have to show the whole, innocent family that this was so
suspicious that only the chief clerk could be trusted to have the
wisdom to investigate it? And more because these thoughts had made
him upset than through any proper decision, he swang himself with
all his force out of the bed. There was a loud thump, but it wasn't
really a loud noise. His fall was softened a little by the carpet,
and Gregor's back was also more elastic than he had thought, which
made the sound muffled and not too noticeable. He had not held his
head carefully enough, though, and hit it as he fell; annoyed and in
pain, he turned it and rubbed it against the carpet.

"Something's fallen down in there", said the chief clerk in the room
on the left. Gregor tried to imagine whether something of the sort
that had happened to him today could ever happen to the chief clerk
too; you had to concede that it was possible. But as if in gruff
reply to this question, the chief clerk's firm footsteps in his
highly polished boots could now be heard in the adjoining room.
From the room on his right, Gregor's sister whispered to him to let
him know: "Gregor, the chief clerk is here. " "Yes, I know", said
Gregor to himself; but without daring to raise his voice loud enough
for his sister to hear him.

"Gregor", said his father now from the room to his left, "the chief
clerk has come round and wants to know why you didn't leave on the
early train. We don't know what to say to him. And anyway, he
wants to speak to you personally. So please open up this door. I'm
sure he'll be good enough to forgive the untidiness of your room. "
Then the chief clerk called "Good morning, Mr. Samsa". "He isn't
well", said his mother to the chief clerk, while his father
continued to speak through the door. "He isn't well, please believe
me. Why else would Gregor have missed a train! The lad only ever
thinks about the business. It nearly makes me cross the way he
never goes out in the evenings; he's been in town for a week now but
stayed home every evening. He sits with us in the kitchen and just
reads the paper or studies train timetables. His idea of relaxation
is working with his fretsaw. He's made a little frame, for
instance, it only took him two or three evenings, you'll be amazed
how nice it is; it's hanging up in his room; you'll see it as soon
as Gregor opens the door. Anyway, I'm glad you're here; we wouldn't
have been able to get Gregor to open the door by ourselves; he's so
stubborn; and I'm sure he isn't well, he said this morning that he
is, but he isn't. " "I'll be there in a moment", said Gregor slowly
and thoughtfully, but without moving so that he would not miss any
word of the conversation. "Well I can't think of any other way of
explaining it, Mrs. Samsa", said the chief clerk, "I hope it's
nothing serious. But on the other hand, I must say that if we
people in commerce ever become slightly unwell then, fortunately or
unfortunately as you like, we simply have to overcome it because of
business considerations. " "Can the chief clerk come in to see you
now then? ", asked his father impatiently, knocking at the door
again. "No", said Gregor. In the room on his right there followed
a painful silence; in the room on his left his sister began to cry.

So why did his sister not go and join the others? She had probably
only just got up and had not even begun to get dressed. And why was
she crying? Was it because he had not got up, and had not let the
chief clerk in, because he was in danger of losing his job and if
that happened his boss would once more pursue their parents with the
same demands as before? There was no need to worry about things like
that yet. Gregor was still there and had not the slightest
intention of abandoning his family. For the time being he just lay
there on the carpet, and no-one who knew the condition he was in
would seriously have expected him to let the chief clerk in. It was
only a minor discourtesy, and a suitable excuse could easily be
found for it later on, it was not something for which Gregor could
be sacked on the spot. And it seemed to Gregor much more sensible
to leave him now in peace instead of disturbing him with talking at
him and crying. But the others didn't know what was happening, they
were worried, that would excuse their behaviour.

The chief clerk now raised his voice, "Mr. Samsa", he called to him,
"what is wrong? You barricade yourself in your room, give us no more
than yes or no for an answer, you are causing serious and
unnecessary concern to your parents and you fail - and I mention
this just by the way - you fail to carry out your business duties in
a way that is quite unheard of. I'm speaking here on behalf of your
parents and of your employer, and really must request a clear and
immediate explanation. I am astonished, quite astonished. I
thought I knew you as a calm and sensible person, and now you
suddenly seem to be showing off with peculiar whims. This morning,
your employer did suggest a possible reason for your failure to
appear, it's true - it had to do with the money that was recently
entrusted to you - but I came near to giving him my word of honour
that that could not be the right explanation. But now that I see
your incomprehensible stubbornness I no longer feel any wish
whatsoever to intercede on your behalf. And nor is your position
all that secure. I had originally intended to say all this to you
in private, but since you cause me to waste my time here for no good
reason I don't see why your parents should not also learn of it.
Your turnover has been very unsatisfactory of late; I grant you that
it's not the time of year to do especially good business, we
recognise that; but there simply is no time of year to do no
business at all, Mr. Samsa, we cannot allow there to be. "

"But Sir", called Gregor, beside himself and forgetting all else in
the excitement, "I'll open up immediately, just a moment. I'm
slightly unwell, an attack of dizziness, I haven't been able to get
up. I'm still in bed now. I'm quite fresh again now, though. I'm
just getting out of bed. Just a moment. Be patient! It's not quite
as easy as I'd thought. I'm quite alright now, though. It's
shocking, what can suddenly happen to a person! I was quite alright
last night, my parents know about it, perhaps better than me, I had
a small symptom of it last night already. They must have noticed
it. I don't know why I didn't let you know at work! But you always
think you can get over an illness without staying at home. Please,
don't make my parents suffer! There's no basis for any of the
accusations you're making; nobody's ever said a word to me about any
of these things. Maybe you haven't read the latest contracts I sent
in. I'll set off with the eight o'clock train, as well, these few
hours of rest have given me strength. You don't need to wait, sir;
I'll be in the office soon after you, and please be so good as to
tell that to the boss and recommend me to him! "

And while Gregor gushed out these words, hardly knowing what he was
saying, he made his way over to the chest of drawers - this was
easily done, probably because of the practise he had already had in
bed - where he now tried to get himself upright. He really did want
to open the door, really did want to let them see him and to speak
with the chief clerk; the others were being so insistent, and he was
curious to learn what they would say when they caught sight of him.
If they were shocked then it would no longer be Gregor's
responsibility and he could rest. If, however, they took everything
calmly he would still have no reason to be upset, and if he hurried
he really could be at the station for eight o'clock. The first few
times he tried to climb up on the smooth chest of drawers he just
slid down again, but he finally gave himself one last swing and
stood there upright; the lower part of his body was in serious pain
but he no longer gave any attention to it. Now he let himself fall
against the back of a nearby chair and held tightly to the edges of
it with his little legs. By now he had also calmed down, and kept
quiet so that he could listen to what the chief clerk was saying.

"Did you understand a word of all that? " the chief clerk asked his
parents, "surely he's not trying to make fools of us". "Oh, God! "
called his mother, who was already in tears, "he could be seriously
ill and we're making him suffer. Grete! Grete! " she then cried.
"Mother? " his sister called from the other side. They communicated
across Gregor's room. "You'll have to go for the doctor straight
away. Gregor is ill. Quick, get the doctor. Did you hear the way
Gregor spoke just now? " "That was the voice of an animal", said the
chief clerk, with a calmness that was in contrast with his mother's
screams. "Anna! Anna! " his father called into the kitchen through
the entrance hall, clapping his hands, "get a locksmith here, now! "
And the two girls, their skirts swishing, immediately ran out
through the hall, wrenching open the front door of the flat as they
went. How had his sister managed to get dressed so quickly? There
was no sound of the door banging shut again; they must have left it
open; people often do in homes where something awful has happened.

Gregor, in contrast, had become much calmer. So they couldn't
understand his words any more, although they seemed clear enough to
him, clearer than before - perhaps his ears had become used to the
sound. They had realised, though, that there was something wrong
with him, and were ready to help. The first response to his
situation had been confident and wise, and that made him feel
better. He felt that he had been drawn back in among people, and
from the doctor and the locksmith he expected great and surprising
achievements - although he did not really distinguish one from the
other. Whatever was said next would be crucial, so, in order to
make his voice as clear as possible, he coughed a little, but taking
care to do this not too loudly as even this might well sound
different from the way that a human coughs and he was no longer sure
he could judge this for himself. Meanwhile, it had become very
quiet in the next room. Perhaps his parents were sat at the table
whispering with the chief clerk, or perhaps they were all pressed
against the door and listening.

Gregor slowly pushed his way over to the door with the chair. Once
there he let go of it and threw himself onto the door, holding
himself upright against it using the adhesive on the tips of his
legs. He rested there a little while to recover from the effort
involved and then set himself to the task of turning the key in the
lock with his mouth. He seemed, unfortunately, to have no proper
teeth - how was he, then, to grasp the key? - but the lack of teeth
was, of course, made up for with a very strong jaw; using the jaw,
he really was able to start the key turning, ignoring the fact that
he must have been causing some kind of damage as a brown fluid came
from his mouth, flowed over the key and dripped onto the floor.
"Listen", said the chief clerk in the next room, "he's turning the
key.
" Gregor was greatly encouraged by this; but they all should
have been calling to him, his father and his mother too: "Well done,
Gregor", they should have cried, "keep at it, keep hold of the
lock! " And with the idea that they were all excitedly following his
efforts, he bit on the key with all his strength, paying no
attention to the pain he was causing himself. As the key turned
round he turned around the lock with it, only holding himself
upright with his mouth, and hung onto the key or pushed it down
again with the whole weight of his body as needed. The clear sound
of the lock as it snapped back was Gregor's sign that he could break
his concentration, and as he regained his breath he said to himself:
"So, I didn't need the locksmith after all". Then he lay his head on
the handle of the door to open it completely.

Because he had to open the door in this way, it was already wide
open before he could be seen. He had first to slowly turn himself
around one of the double doors, and he had to do it very carefully
if he did not want to fall flat on his back before entering the
room. He was still occupied with this difficult movement, unable to
pay attention to anything else, when he heard the chief clerk
exclaim a loud "Oh! ", which sounded like the soughing of the wind.
Now he also saw him - he was the nearest to the door - his hand
pressed against his open mouth and slowly retreating as if driven by
a steady and invisible force. Gregor's mother, her hair still
dishevelled from bed despite the chief clerk's being there, looked
at his father. Then she unfolded her arms, took two steps forward
towards Gregor and sank down onto the floor into her skirts that
spread themselves out around her as her head disappeared down onto
her breast. His father looked hostile, and clenched his fists as if
wanting to knock Gregor back into his room. Then he looked
uncertainly round the living room, covered his eyes with his hands
and wept so that his powerful chest shook.

So Gregor did not go into the room, but leant against the inside of
the other door which was still held bolted in place. In this way
only half of his body could be seen, along with his head above it
which he leant over to one side as he peered out at the others.
Meanwhile the day had become much lighter; part of the endless,
grey-black building on the other side of the street - which was a
hospital - could be seen quite clearly with the austere and regular
line of windows piercing its facade; the rain was still
falling, now throwing down large, individual droplets which hit the
ground one at a time. The washing up from breakfast lay on the
table; there was so much of it because, for Gregor's father,
breakfast was the most important meal of the day and he would
stretch it out for several hours as he sat reading a number of
different newspapers. On the wall exactly opposite there was
photograph of Gregor when he was a lieutenant in the army, his sword
in his hand and a carefree smile on his face as he called forth
respect for his uniform and bearing. The door to the entrance hall
was open and as the front door of the flat was also open he could
see onto the landing and the stairs where they began their way down
below.

"Now, then", said Gregor, well aware that he was the only one to
have kept calm, "I'll get dressed straight away now, pack up my
samples and set off. Will you please just let me leave? You can
see", he said to the chief clerk, "that I'm not stubborn and I
like to do my job; being a commercial traveller is arduous but
without travelling I couldn't earn my living. So where are you
going, in to the office? Yes? Will you report everything accurately,
then? It's quite possible for someone to be temporarily unable to
work, but that's just the right time to remember what's been
achieved in the past and consider that later on, once the difficulty
has been removed, he will certainly work with all the more diligence
and concentration. You're well aware that I'm seriously in debt to
our employer as well as having to look after my parents and my
sister, so that I'm trapped in a difficult situation, but I will
work my way out of it again. Please don't make things any harder
for me than they are already, and don't take sides against me at the
office. I know that nobody likes the travellers. They think we
earn an enormous wage as well as having a soft time of it. That's
just prejudice but they have no particular reason to think better of
it. But you, sir, you have a better overview than the rest of the
staff, in fact, if I can say this in confidence, a better overview
than the boss himself - it's very easy for a businessman like him to
make mistakes about his employees and judge them more harshly than
he should. And you're also well aware that we travellers spend
almost the whole year away from the office, so that we can very
easily fall victim to gossip and chance and groundless complaints,
and it's almost impossible to defend yourself from that sort of
thing, we don't usually even hear about them, or if at all it's when
we arrive back home exhausted from a trip, and that's when we feel
the harmful effects of what's been going on without even knowing
what caused them. Please, don't go away, at least first say
something to show that you grant that I'm at least partly right! "

But the chief clerk had turned away as soon as Gregor had started to
speak, and, with protruding lips, only stared back at him over his
trembling shoulders as he left. He did not keep still for a moment
while Gregor was speaking, but moved steadily towards the door
without taking his eyes off him. He moved very gradually, as if
there had been some secret prohibition on leaving the room. It was
only when he had reached the entrance hall that he made a sudden
movement, drew his foot from the living room, and rushed forward in
a panic. In the hall, he stretched his right hand far out towards
the stairway as if out there, there were some supernatural force
waiting to save him.

Gregor realised that it was out of the question to let the chief
clerk go away in this mood if his position in the firm was not to be
put into extreme danger. That was something his parents did not
understand very well; over the years, they had become convinced that
this job would provide for Gregor for his entire life, and besides,
they had so much to worry about at present that they had lost sight
of any thought for the future. Gregor, though, did think about the
future. The chief clerk had to be held back, calmed down, convinced
and finally won over; the future of Gregor and his family depended
on it! If only his sister were here! She was clever; she was already
in tears while Gregor was still lying peacefully on his back. And
the chief clerk was a lover of women, surely she could persuade him;
she would close the front door in the entrance hall and talk him out
of his shocked state. But his sister was not there, Gregor would
have to do the job himself. And without considering that he still
was not familiar with how well he could move about in his present
state, or that his speech still might not - or probably would not -
be understood, he let go of the door; pushed himself through the
opening; tried to reach the chief clerk on the landing who,
ridiculously, was holding on to the banister with both hands; but
Gregor fell immediately over and, with a little scream as he sought
something to hold onto, landed on his numerous little legs. Hardly
had that happened than, for the first time that day, he began to
feel alright with his body; the little legs had the solid ground
under them; to his pleasure, they did exactly as he told them; they
were even making the effort to carry him where he wanted to go; and
he was soon believing that all his sorrows would soon be finally at
an end. He held back the urge to move but swayed from side to side
as he crouched there on the floor. His mother was not far away in
front of him and seemed, at first, quite engrossed in herself, but
then she suddenly jumped up with her arms outstretched and her
fingers spread shouting: "Help, for pity's sake, Help! " The way she
held her head suggested she wanted to see Gregor better, but the
unthinking way she was hurrying backwards showed that she did not;
she had forgotten that the table was behind her with all the
breakfast things on it; when she reached the table she sat quickly
down on it without knowing what she was doing; without even seeming
to notice that the coffee pot had been knocked over and a gush of
coffee was pouring down onto the carpet.

"Mother, mother", said Gregor gently, looking up at her. He had
completely forgotten the chief clerk for the moment, but could not
help himself snapping in the air with his jaws at the sight of the
flow of coffee. That set his mother screaming anew, she fled from
the table and into the arms of his father as he rushed towards her.
Gregor, though, had no time to spare for his parents now; the chief
clerk had already reached the stairs; with his chin on the banister,
he looked back for the last time. Gregor made a run for him; he
wanted to be sure of reaching him; the chief clerk must have
expected something, as he leapt down several steps at once and
disappeared; his shouts resounding all around the staircase. The
flight of the chief clerk seemed, unfortunately, to put Gregor's
father into a panic as well. Until then he had been relatively self
controlled, but now, instead of running after the chief clerk
himself, or at least not impeding Gregor as he ran after him,
Gregor's father seized the chief clerk's stick in his right hand
(the chief clerk had left it behind on a chair, along with his hat
and overcoat), picked up a large newspaper from the table with his
left, and used them to drive Gregor back into his room, stamping his
foot at him as he went. Gregor's appeals to his father were of no
help, his appeals were simply not understood, however much he humbly
turned his head his father merely stamped his foot all the harder.
Across the room, despite the chilly weather, Gregor's mother had
pulled open a window, leant far out of it and pressed her hands to
her face. A strong draught of air flew in from the street towards
the stairway, the curtains flew up, the newspapers on the table
fluttered and some of them were blown onto the floor. Nothing would
stop Gregor's father as he drove him back, making hissing noises at
him like a wild man. Gregor had never had any practice in moving
backwards and was only able to go very slowly. If Gregor had only
been allowed to turn round he would have been back in his room
straight away, but he was afraid that if he took the time to do that
his father would become impatient, and there was the threat of a
lethal blow to his back or head from the stick in his father's hand
any moment. Eventually, though, Gregor realised that he had no
choice as he saw, to his disgust, that he was quite incapable of
going backwards in a straight line; so he began, as quickly as
possible and with frequent anxious glances at his father, to turn
himself round. It went very slowly, but perhaps his father was able
to see his good intentions as he did nothing to hinder him, in fact
now and then he used the tip of his stick to give directions from a
distance as to which way to turn. If only his father would stop
that unbearable hissing! It was making Gregor quite confused. When
he had nearly finished turning round, still listening to that
hissing, he made a mistake and turned himself back a little the way
he had just come. He was pleased when he finally had his head in
front of the doorway, but then saw that it was too narrow, and his
body was too broad to get through it without further difficulty. In
his present mood, it obviously did not occur to his father to open
the other of the double doors so that Gregor would have enough space
to get through. He was merely fixed on the idea that Gregor should
be got back into his room as quickly as possible. Nor would he ever
have allowed Gregor the time to get himself upright as preparation
for getting through the doorway. What he did, making more noise
than ever, was to drive Gregor forwards all the harder as if there
had been nothing in the way; it sounded to Gregor as if there was
now more than one father behind him; it was not a pleasant
experience, and Gregor pushed himself into the doorway without
regard for what might happen. One side of his body lifted itself,
he lay at an angle in the doorway, one flank scraped on the white
door and was painfully injured, leaving vile brown flecks on it,
soon he was stuck fast and would not have been able to move at all
by himself, the little legs along one side hung quivering in the air
while those on the other side were pressed painfully against the
ground. Then his father gave him a hefty shove from behind which
released him from where he was held and sent him flying, and heavily
bleeding, deep into his room. The door was slammed shut with the
stick, then, finally, all was quiet.



II


It was not until it was getting dark that evening that Gregor awoke
from his deep and coma-like sleep. He would have woken soon
afterwards anyway even if he hadn't been disturbed, as he had had
enough sleep and felt fully rested. But he had the impression that
some hurried steps and the sound of the door leading into the front
room being carefully shut had woken him. The light from the
electric street lamps shone palely here and there onto the ceiling
and tops of the furniture, but down below, where Gregor was, it was
dark. He pushed himself over to the door, feeling his way clumsily
with his antennae - of which he was now beginning to learn the value
- in order to see what had been happening there. The whole of his
left side seemed like one, painfully stretched scar, and he limped
badly on his two rows of legs. One of the legs had been badly
injured in the events of that morning - it was nearly a miracle that
only one of them had been - and dragged along lifelessly.

It was only when he had reached the door that he realised what it
actually was that had drawn him over to it; it was the smell of
something to eat. By the door there was a dish filled with
sweetened milk with little pieces of white bread floating in it. He
was so pleased he almost laughed, as he was even hungrier than he
had been that morning, and immediately dipped his head into the
milk, nearly covering his eyes with it. But he soon drew his head
back again in disappointment; not only did the pain in his tender
left side make it difficult to eat the food - he was only able to
eat if his whole body worked together as a snuffling whole - but the
milk did not taste at all nice. Milk like this was normally his
favourite drink, and his sister had certainly left it there for him
because of that, but he turned, almost against his own will, away
from the dish and crawled back into the centre of the room.

Through the crack in the door, Gregor could see that the gas had
been lit in the living room. His father at this time would normally
be sat with his evening paper, reading it out in a loud voice to
Gregor's mother, and sometimes to his sister, but there was now not
a sound to be heard. Gregor's sister would often write and tell him
about this reading, but maybe his father had lost the habit in
recent times. It was so quiet all around too, even though there
must have been somebody in the flat. "What a quiet life it is the
family lead", said Gregor to himself, and, gazing into the darkness,
felt a great pride that he was able to provide a life like that in
such a nice home for his sister and parents. But what now, if all
this peace and wealth and comfort should come to a horrible and
frightening end? That was something that Gregor did not want to
think about too much, so he started to move about, crawling up and
down the room.

Once during that long evening, the door on one side of the room was
opened very slightly and hurriedly closed again; later on the door
on the other side did the same; it seemed that someone needed to
enter the room but thought better of it. Gregor went and waited
immediately by the door, resolved either to bring the timorous
visitor into the room in some way or at least to find out who it
was; but the door was opened no more that night and Gregor waited in
vain. The previous morning while the doors were locked everyone had
wanted to get in there to him, but now, now that he had opened up
one of the doors and the other had clearly been unlocked some time
during the day, no-one came, and the keys were in the other sides.

It was not until late at night that the gaslight in the living room
was put out, and now it was easy to see that his parents and sister had
stayed awake all that time, as they all could be distinctly heard as
they went away together on tip-toe. It was clear that no-one would
come into Gregor's room any more until morning; that gave him plenty
of time to think undisturbed about how he would have to re-arrange
his life. For some reason, the tall, empty room where he was forced
to remain made him feel uneasy as he lay there flat on the floor,
even though he had been living in it for five years. Hardly aware
of what he was doing other than a slight feeling of shame, he
hurried under the couch. It pressed down on his back a little, and
he was no longer able to lift his head, but he nonetheless felt
immediately at ease and his only regret was that his body was too
broad to get it all underneath.

He spent the whole night there. Some of the time he passed in a
light sleep, although he frequently woke from it in alarm because of
his hunger, and some of the time was spent in worries and vague
hopes which, however, always led to the same conclusion: for the
time being he must remain calm, he must show patience and the
greatest consideration so that his family could bear the
unpleasantness that he, in his present condition, was forced to
impose on them.

Gregor soon had the opportunity to test the strength of his
decisions, as early the next morning, almost before the night had
ended, his sister, nearly fully dressed, opened the door from the
front room and looked anxiously in. She did not see him straight
away, but when she did notice him under the couch - he had to be
somewhere, for God's sake, he couldn't have flown away - she was so
shocked that she lost control of herself and slammed the door shut
again from outside. But she seemed to regret her behaviour, as she
opened the door again straight away and came in on tip-toe as if
entering the room of someone seriously ill or even of a stranger.
Gregor had pushed his head forward, right to the edge of the couch,
and watched her. Would she notice that he had left the milk as it
was, realise that it was not from any lack of hunger and bring him
in some other food that was more suitable? If she didn't do it
herself he would rather go hungry than draw her attention to it,
although he did feel a terrible urge to rush forward from under the
couch, throw himself at his sister's feet and beg her for something
good to eat. However, his sister noticed the full dish immediately
and looked at it and the few drops of milk splashed around it with
some surprise. She immediately picked it up - using a rag,
not her bare hands - and carried it out. Gregor was extremely
curious as to what she would bring in its place, imagining the
wildest possibilities, but he never could have guessed what his
sister, in her goodness, actually did bring. In order to test his
taste, she brought him a whole selection of things, all spread out
on an old newspaper. There were old, half-rotten vegetables; bones
from the evening meal, covered in white sauce that had gone hard; a
few raisins and almonds; some cheese that Gregor had declared
inedible two days before; a dry roll and some bread spread with
butter and salt. As well as all that she had poured some water into
the dish, which had probably been permanently set aside for Gregor's
use, and placed it beside them. Then, out of consideration for
Gregor's feelings, as she knew that he would not eat in front of
her, she hurried out again and even turned the key in the lock so
that Gregor would know he could make things as comfortable for
himself as he liked. Gregor's little legs whirred, at last he could
eat. What's more, his injuries must already have completely healed
as he found no difficulty in moving. This amazed him, as more than
a month earlier he had cut his finger slightly with a knife, he
thought of how his finger had still hurt the day before yesterday.
"Am I less sensitive than I used to be, then? ", he thought, and was
already sucking greedily at the cheese which had immediately, almost
compellingly, attracted him much more than the other foods on the
newspaper. Quickly one after another, his eyes watering with
pleasure, he consumed the cheese, the vegetables and the sauce; the
fresh foods, on the other hand, he didn't like at all, and even
dragged the things he did want to eat a little way away from them
because he couldn't stand the smell. Long after he had finished
eating and lay lethargic in the same place, his sister slowly turned
the key in the lock as a sign to him that he should withdraw. He
was immediately startled, although he had been half asleep, and he
hurried back under the couch. But he needed great self-control to
stay there even for the short time that his sister was in the room,
as eating so much food had rounded out his body a little and he
could hardly breathe in that narrow space. Half suffocating, he
watched with bulging eyes as his sister unselfconsciously took a
broom and swept up the left-overs, mixing them in with the food he
had not even touched at all as if it could not be used any more.
She quickly dropped it all into a bin, closed it with its wooden
lid, and carried everything out. She had hardly turned her back
before Gregor came out again from under the couch and stretched
himself.

This was how Gregor received his food each day now, once in the
morning while his parents and the maid were still asleep, and the
second time after everyone had eaten their meal at midday as his
parents would sleep for a little while then as well, and Gregor's
sister would send the maid away on some errand. Gregor's father and
mother certainly did not want him to starve either, but perhaps it
would have been more than they could stand to have any more
experience of his feeding than being told about it, and perhaps his
sister wanted to spare them what distress she could as they were
indeed suffering enough.

It was impossible for Gregor to find out what they had told the
doctor and the locksmith that first morning to get them out of the
flat. As nobody could understand him, nobody, not even his sister,
thought that he could understand them, so he had to be content to
hear his sister's sighs and appeals to the saints as she moved about
his room. It was only later, when she had become a little more used
to everything - there was, of course, no question of her ever
becoming fully used to the situation - that Gregor would sometimes
catch a friendly comment, or at least a comment that could be
construed as friendly. "He's enjoyed his dinner today", she might
say when he had diligently cleared away all the food left for him,
or if he left most of it, which slowly became more and more
frequent, she would often say, sadly, "now everything's just been
left there again".

Although Gregor wasn't able to hear any news directly he did listen
to much of what was said in the next rooms, and whenever he heard
anyone speaking he would scurry straight to the appropriate door and
press his whole body against it. There was seldom any conversation,
especially at first, that was not about him in some way, even if
only in secret. For two whole days, all the talk at every mealtime
was about what they should do now; but even between meals they spoke
about the same subject as there were always at least two members of
the family at home - nobody wanted to be at home by themselves and
it was out of the question to leave the flat entirely empty. And on
the very first day the maid had fallen to her knees and begged
Gregor's mother to let her go without delay. It was not very clear
how much she knew of what had happened but she left within a quarter
of an hour, tearfully thanking Gregor's mother for her dismissal as
if she had done her an enormous service. She even swore
emphatically not to tell anyone the slightest about what had
happened, even though no-one had asked that of her.

Now Gregor's sister also had to help his mother with the cooking;
although that was not so much bother as no-one ate very much.
Gregor often heard how one of them would unsuccessfully urge another
to eat, and receive no more answer than "no thanks, I've had enough"
or something similar. No-one drank very much either. His sister
would sometimes ask his father whether he would like a beer, hoping
for the chance to go and fetch it herself. When his father then
said nothing she would add, so that he would not feel selfish, that
she could send the housekeeper for it, but then his father would
close the matter with a big, loud "No", and no more would be said.

Even before the first day had come to an end, his father had
explained to Gregor's mother and sister what their finances and
prospects were. Now and then he stood up from the table and took
some receipt or document from the little cash box he had saved from
his business when it had collapsed five years earlier. Gregor heard
how he opened the complicated lock and then closed it again after he
had taken the item he wanted. What he heard his father say was some
of the first good news that Gregor heard since he had first been
incarcerated in his room. He had thought that nothing at all
remained from his father's business, at least he had never told him
anything different, and Gregor had never asked him about it anyway.
Their business misfortune had reduced the family to a state of total
despair, and Gregor's only concern at that time had been to arrange
things so that they could all forget about it as quickly as
possible. So then he started working especially hard, with a fiery
vigour that raised him from a junior salesman to a travelling
representative almost overnight, bringing with it the chance to earn
money in quite different ways. Gregor converted his success at work
straight into cash that he could lay on the table at home for the
benefit of his astonished and delighted family. They had been good
times and they had never come again, at least not with the same
splendour, even though Gregor had later earned so much that he was
in a position to bear the costs of the whole family, and did bear
them. They had even got used to it, both Gregor and the family,
they took the money with gratitude and he was glad to provide it,
although there was no longer much warm affection given in return.
Gregor only remained close to his sister now. Unlike him, she was
very fond of music and a gifted and expressive violinist, it was his
secret plan to send her to the conservatory next year even though it
would cause great expense that would have to be made up for in some
other way. During Gregor's short periods in town, conversation with
his sister would often turn to the conservatory but it was only ever
mentioned as a lovely dream that could never be realised. Their
parents did not like to hear this innocent talk, but Gregor thought
about it quite hard and decided he would let them know what he
planned with a grand announcement of it on Christmas day.

That was the sort of totally pointless thing that went through his
mind in his present state, pressed upright against the door and
listening. There were times when he simply became too tired to
continue listening, when his head would fall wearily against the
door and he would pull it up again with a start, as even the
slightest noise he caused would be heard next door and they would
all go silent. "What's that he's doing now", his father would say
after a while, clearly having gone over to the door, and only then
would the interrupted conversation slowly be taken up again.

When explaining things, his father repeated himself several times,
partly because it was a long time since he had been occupied with
these matters himself and partly because Gregor's mother did not
understand everything the first time. From these repeated explanations
Gregor learned, to his pleasure, that despite all their misfortunes
there was still some money available from the old days. It was not
a lot, but it had not been touched in the meantime and some interest
had accumulated. Besides that, they had not been using up all the
money that Gregor had been bringing home every month, keeping only a
little for himself, so that that, too, had been accumulating.
Behind the door, Gregor nodded with enthusiasm in his pleasure at
this unexpected thrift and caution. He could actually have used
this surplus money to reduce his father's debt to his boss, and the
day when he could have freed himself from that job would have come
much closer, but now it was certainly better the way his father had
done things.

This money, however, was certainly not enough to enable the family
to live off the interest; it was enough to maintain them for,
perhaps, one or two years, no more. That's to say, it was money
that should not really be touched but set aside for emergencies;
money to live on had to be earned. His father was healthy but old,
and lacking in self confidence. During the five years that he had
not been working - the first holiday in a life that had been full of
strain and no success - he had put on a lot of weight and become
very slow and clumsy. Would Gregor's elderly mother now have to go
and earn money? She suffered from asthma and it was a strain for her
just to move about the home, every other day would be spent
struggling for breath on the sofa by the open window. Would his
sister have to go and earn money? She was still a child of
seventeen, her life up till then had been very enviable, consisting
of wearing nice clothes, sleeping late, helping out in the business,
joining in with a few modest pleasures and most of all playing the
violin. Whenever they began to talk of the need to earn money,
Gregor would always first let go of the door and then throw himself
onto the cool, leather sofa next to it, as he became quite hot with
shame and regret.

He would often lie there the whole night through, not sleeping a
wink but scratching at the leather for hours on end. Or he might go
to all the effort of pushing a chair to the window, climbing up onto
the sill and, propped up in the chair, leaning on the window to
stare out of it. He had used to feel a great sense of freedom from
doing this, but doing it now was obviously something more remembered
than experienced, as what he actually saw in this way was becoming
less distinct every day, even things that were quite near; he had
used to curse the ever-present view of the hospital across the
street, but now he could not see it at all, and if he had not known
that he lived in Charlottenstrasse, which was a quiet street despite
being in the middle of the city, he could have thought that he was
looking out the window at a barren waste where the grey sky and the
grey earth mingled inseparably. His observant sister only needed to
notice the chair twice before she would always push it back to its
exact position by the window after she had tidied up the room, and
even left the inner pane of the window open from then on.

If Gregor had only been able to speak to his sister and thank her
for all that she had to do for him it would have been easier for him
to bear it; but as it was it caused him pain. His sister,
naturally, tried as far as possible to pretend there was nothing
burdensome about it, and the longer it went on, of course, the
better she was able to do so, but as time went by Gregor was also
able to see through it all so much better. It had even become very
unpleasant for him, now, whenever she entered the room. No sooner
had she come in than she would quickly close the door as a
precaution so that no-one would have to suffer the view into
Gregor's room, then she would go straight to the window and pull it
hurriedly open almost as if she were suffocating. Even if it was
cold, she would stay at the window breathing deeply for a little
while. She would alarm Gregor twice a day with this running about
and noise making; he would stay under the couch shivering the whole
while, knowing full well that she would certainly have liked to
spare him this ordeal, but it was impossible for her to be in the
same room with him with the windows closed.

One day, about a month after Gregor's transformation when his sister
no longer had any particular reason to be shocked at his appearance,
she came into the room a little earlier than usual and found him
still staring out the window, motionless, and just where he would be
most horrible. In itself, his sister's not coming into the room
would have been no surprise for Gregor as it would have been
difficult for her to immediately open the window while he was still
there, but not only did she not come in, she went straight back and
closed the door behind her, a stranger would have thought he had
threatened her and tried to bite her. Gregor went straight to hide
himself under the couch, of course, but he had to wait until midday
before his sister came back and she seemed much more uneasy than
usual. It made him realise that she still found his appearance
unbearable and would continue to do so, she probably even had to
overcome the urge to flee when she saw the little bit of him that
protruded from under the couch. One day, in order to spare her even
this sight, he spent four hours carrying the bedsheet over to the
couch on his back and arranged it so that he was completely covered
and his sister would not be able to see him even if she bent down.
If she did not think this sheet was necessary then all she had to do
was take it off again, as it was clear enough that it was no
pleasure for Gregor to cut himself off so completely. She left the
sheet where it was. Gregor even thought he glimpsed a look of
gratitude one time when he carefully looked out from under the sheet
to see how his sister liked the new arrangement.

For the first fourteen days, Gregor's parents could not bring
themselves to come into the room to see him.