Mental
activity
of a low order.
Samuel Beckett
this as often as not at least \I~ith them fixed on the mo mentan ground lwfore \'our feet. That is all of nature
. . .
you ha\'e seen. Siuee finalh~ YOU I)()\\ed \our head. The fleeting ground befon~ . \our fed. From time to timt'. You do not count :~oursteps am more. For the ::iimple reason the\' number each da\ the same. Ayerage day
bO\led head making read\ to sd out. D\ tIl(' time \OU
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open:our t':('S your ft'et haw disappeared and the
skirts of your greatcoat come to rest on the surface of
the ::inow. Tllt' dark scene seems lit from bclo\L You
see :~oursdfat that last outset leaning against thf~ door
with closed e)es waiting for the word from :ou to go.
To be gone. Then the snowlit scene. You lie in the dark
with closed ews and see yourself there as described
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making ready to strike out and awa)~across the expanse of light. You hear again the click of the door pulled gently to and the silence before the steps can start. Next thing you an~ on )'our way across the white pas
being ahm\s the same. You keep count of the cia)s and ewn tenth da\ multi
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])(',~[
in da\ out the same. The
. . '---.
\I~a\~
pl}-. And add. Your father's shade is not with :ou an} more. It fell out long ago. You do not hear your foot
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falls an:- more. Unhearing unseeing :ou go }our wa:. Dav after day. The same way. As if there were no other any more. For you there is no other any more. You used never to halt e"\:cept to make :-our reckoning. So as to plod on from nought ant'w. This need removed as we have seen there is none in theory to halt any more. Save perhaps a moment at the outermost point. To gatlwr yourself together for the rt'turn. And vet
not at the time. The dark cope of sky. The dazzling land. You at a standstill in the midst. The quarter boots sunk to the tops. The skirts of the greatcoat resting on the snow. In the old bowed head in the old block hat speechless misgiving. Halfwa: across the pasture on : our beeline to the gap. The unerring feet fast. You look behind \-OU as \-OU could not then and
see their trail. A great swerve. Withershins. Almost as if all at once the heart too heav\. In the end too heav\.
Bloom of adulthood. Imagine a whiff of that. On
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your back in the dark \OU remember. Ah vou \OU re member. Cloudless May da\-. She joins you in the little
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summerhouse. A rustic hexahedron. Entireh of logs.
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Both larch and fir. Si"\: feet across. Eight from floor to
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verte"\:. Area twent:-four square feet to furthest deci mal. Two small multicoloured lights vis-a. -vis. Small stained diamond panes. Under each a ledge. There on summer Sundays after his midday meal \our father loved to retreat with Plinch and a cushion. The waist of his trousers unbuttoned he sat on the one ledge
turning the pages. You on the other with \ our feet L <
L.
\OU do. As never before. Not for tiredness. You are no
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more tired now than yOU always were. Not because of
age. You are no older now than :-ou alwa:-s were. And
\ et \ou halt as never before. So that the same hundred
yards you used to cover in a matter of three to four
minutes may now take \-OU anything from fifteen to
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twent:. The foot falls unbidden in midstep or ne"\:t for
lift cleaves to the ground bringing the bod\ to a stand. LLL.
Then a speechlessness whereof the gist, Can they go on? Or better, Shall they go on? The barest gist. Stilled
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\\-hen finalh as alwa\s hitherto the\ do. You lie in the dark with closed eyes and see the scene. As YOU could
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dangling. When he chuckled :-ou tried to chuckle too. When his chuckle died \-ours too. That YOU should try to imitate his chuckle pleased and tickled him greatl: and sometimes he ,\-ould chuckle for no other reason than to hear YOU tn- to chuckle too. Sometimes \-Oll turn : our head and look out through a rose-red pane. You press :-our little nose against the pane and all with out is roS\. The years have flown and there at the same place as tllf'n VOll sit in the bloom of adulthooJ bathed in rainbow light gazing before \ou. She is late. You close :our e:es and tn- to calculattc the volunw. Simple
sums :ou find a help in times of trouble. A haven. You
arrive in the end at seven cubic \ards approximately.
Even still in the timeless dark YOU finJ figures a com oL
fort. You assume a certain heart rate and rpckon how man: thumps a da:. A week. A month. A : ear. And assuming a certain lifetime a lifl'time. Till the last thump. But for the moment with hardly more than seventy American billion behind \OU you sit in the little sumnlerhouse ,\-orking out the volume. Seven cubic :ards approximateh. This strikes :ou for some reason as improbable and \OU set about your sum
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U lH '\\. But \ ou havl' nol madl' nlllCh ]1l'all\\a\ \\hen ]1l'r ]i(Thl "tl'll i" heart! ' Lighl for a \UlllWn of l1l'r "ize. YOlL
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Opl'll \\ith l[llickening pUbl' \ our 1'\ I'" and a lIlOll1l'1l1 ]all']" thaI ,,1'(' Ill" an ('\ITnit\ her faIT appl'ar" at the \\ill JO\\. Mainh blue in thi" po"ition tIll' natural pallor \ ou " 0 adlllin' a" intll'et] frolll it uo dou])t \\ holh blul' : our 0\\11. For natura] pallor i" a propert\ \ ou ha\(' in
cOlllmon. The \-iolel lips do ]lot r('\urn \our "lIlile.
Now thi" \\indo\\ lwing flush with \ our 1 '\ 1'" froln
\\l[(-'re \ ou ::;it and thl' floor a" Ill'ar a::; no matter \\ith
the outpr ground \011 cannot hut \umdn if "he ha" not ,0
sunk to llt'r knpes. Knc)\\-ing from l>xperil'Jl('(' that t1[('
height or length \au have in common is t]](' SUlll of
t>qua] sFgmenb. For when holt upright or h ing at full . . . L ,l
stretch \oU c]ea\"e face to face then \ our knees Ilwcl and \our pulw" and thc hair::; of your heads lIlinglt>. Dol'S it foIl0\\- from this that the loss of height for tIll' h()(h that sits is tllt' same as for it that knpels? :\t thi::;
point assuming height of spat adjustable as in the case
of certain piano stools vou closp VOllr ews the better o00
with mt'ntalmeasure to measurp and compan' tIll' fir"t and St'COlH] st'gment::; nanlt'h from soll~ to klwepad
"', J,)
and thence to pelvic girdle. Hm\- given :ou were both
moving and at rest to the closed e:e in :-our ,,-aking
hours! B: da: and b:- night. To that perfect dark. That
shadowless light. Simpl: to be gone. Or for affair as
now. A single leg appt>ars. Seen from above. You sepa
rate the segments and lay them side bv side. It is as \"ou l,. . . • • •
half surmised. The upper is tlw longer awl the sittn',. ;
loss the greater when seat at kne(> len'l. You kaye the
pieces l:ing there and open :our e:es to find her sittinf! :
before :-ou. All dead still. The rub: lips do not return
vour smile. Your gaze descends to the breasts. You do
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not remember them so big. To the abdomen. Same impression. Dissolve to :-our father's straining against the unbuttoned waistband. Can it be she is with child without :our having asked for as much as her hand? You go back into your mind. She too did vou but
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all ceases. Till feeling the need for compan: again he tells himself to call the hearer M at least. For readier reference. Himself some other character. W. Devisinu
tc it all himself included for compan:. In the same dark
as M when last heard of. In ,,"hat posture and ,,"hether
fixed or mobile left open. He sa:s further to himself
referring to himself, When last he referred to himself
it was to sa\ he was in the same dark as his creature.
Nat in another as once seemed possible. The saml. '.
As more companionable. And that his posture there
remained to be devised. And to be decided whether
fast or mobile. Which of all imaginable postures least
liable to pall? Which of motion or of rest the more
entertaining in the long run? And in the same breath
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too soon to sa\ and wh\" after all not say \\-ithout fur
ther ado what can later be unsaid and what if it could
not? What then? Could he no\\ if he chose move out
of the dark he chose when last heard of and away from
his creature into another? Should he no,," decide to lie
and come later to regret it could he then rise to his
feet for example and lean against a ,,-all or pace to and
fro? Could M be reimagined in an eas\ chair? With
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L.
know it has closed her eYeS. So you sit face to face in the little summer-house. With eyes closed and vour hands on :-our pubes. In that rainbow light. That dead still.
Wearied by such stretch of imagining he ceases and
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hands free to go Lo hiOi aOiOiiOitance'? There in the same dark as his creature J1(' lealTs himself to these> perpl(',, iti('s \\~hile Imllderill~ as enT\ nOI\~ ami tllen he won del's in the hack of his mind if the I\~oes of the world arc all the\ used to 1)('. In his dm.
1\1 so far as follO\\s. On hiOi lJack in a dark place form and dimensions \('t Lo lw deYis('cl. Hearing on and oIf
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a \~oice of \\~hich uncertain \\lwtl1('r addressed to him or to another sharing his situation. There being noth
e~
ing to sho\\ \\hen it ckscrilws corr(>cth his ::;ituation
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that the description i,. ; noL for the hendit of another in
the same ,. ;ituation. \ague distre::;,. ; at the vague thought
of his perhaps ov(~rhearinga conlid(~nce wlwn he hear::;
for ('"ample, You arc on \ our back in the dark. Doubts
gradually dashed as voice from questing far and wide
closes in upon him. When it ceases no other sound
than his breath. When it ceases long enough vague
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hope it ma: have said it::; last.
Mental activity of a low order. Rare flickers of reasoning of no avail. Hope and despair and suchlike bard:' felt. How current situation arrived at unclear. No that th(~n to compare to this
now. Onl)~ eyelids move. When for relief from outer
and innerUark they close and open respectivel:. Other
small local movements eventually within moderation
not to be despaired of. But no improvement In means
of such achieved so far. Or on a higher plane h\ such
addition to company as a movement of sustained
sorrow or desire or remorse or curio::;ity or anger and
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so on. Or by some succes::;ful act of intellection as wen~ he to think to him::;elf rcf'erring to himself, Since he cannot think he will give up tr:~ing. Is there an: thing to add to this esquis::;e? Hi::; unnamabilit:. Even M must go. So \V reminds himself of his creature as so far created. \V? But W too is cn~ature. Figment.
Yet another then. Of whom nothing. Devising ficr- G Lt"'
ments to temper his nothingness. Quick leave him. Pause and again in panic to himself, Quick leave him.
Deyised deviser deYising it all for compan:. In the same fiumcnt dark as his fi! ! n1ents. In \vhat posture and
b~
if or not as hearer in his for crood not \ et deYised. Is
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not one immovahle enough'? Wll\ duplicate this par
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3-;"
ticular solace? Then let him move. Within reason. On all fours. A moderate crawl torso well clear of the ground e: es front alert. If this no better than nothing cancel. If possible. And in the void regained another motion. Or none. Leaving only the most helpful pos ture to be devised. But to be going on with let him
Co Co
crawl. Crawl and fall. Crawl again and fall again. In the same figment dark as his other figments.
From ranging far and wide as if in quest the voice Co L
comes to rest and constant faintness. To rest ,,~here? Imagine warih.
L.
Above the upturned face. Falling tangent to the
crown. So that in the faint light it sheds 'were there a
mouth to be seen he would not see it. Roll as he might
his en~s. H(~ight from tlw ground? . LL
Arm's length. Force? Low. A mother's stoop'ins; Co C
over cradle from behind. She moyes aside to let the father look. In his turn he murmurs to the newllOrn. Flat tone LUlchanged. :\0 trace of Ion:.
You are on your back at the foot of an aspen. In its trembling shade. She at right angles propped on her elbows head between her hands. Your c: es opened and closed have looked in hers looking in Yours. In your
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dark yOU look in them again. Still. You feel on your face Co •
the fringe of her long black hair stirring in the still air. Co Co L
Within the tent of hair your faces are hidden from view. She murmurs, Listen to the leaves. En's in each other's eyes \~ou listen to the leaves. In their trembling shade.
Crawling and falling then. Cralding again and falling
G . . . . .
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again. If this finall:~no improvement on nothing he can ahmys fall for good. Or have never risen to his knees. Contrive how such crawl unlike the voice ma\~ sene to chart the area. However roughlY. First what is the unit
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of crawl? Corresponding to the footstep of erect loco
motion. He rises to all fours and makes rC"a(h~ to set
out. Hands and knees anglC"s of an oblong two foot
long width irrelevant. FinallY say left knee moves for- L. .
,,-ard six inches thus half hah-ing llistance between it and homologous hand. Which then in dne cour:-;(' in
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its turn moves forward bv as much. Oblong now rhom . L
boid. But for no longer than it takes right knee and hand to follow suit. Oblong restored. So on till he drops. Of all modes of crawl this the repent amble possibl:' the least commOll. And so possibly of all the
most divertinCT.
b
So as he crawls the mute count. Grain by (Tram m
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the mind. One t,,'o three four one. Knee hand kll<'('
hand two. One foot. Till say aftn five he falls. TIIt'n
sooner or later on from nought anelV'. One two three
four one. Knee hand knee hallll two. Si". So on. In
what he ,\'ills a lweline. Till having encountered no
obstacle discouraged he heads back the way he came.
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From nought aIWI\'. Or in some quite different direc
tion. In what lw hopes a beeline. Till again with no
dead end for his pains he n'nounces and embarks on
vet another cours('. From llought anew. Well aware or •L
little doubting how llarknes::3 mav deflect. Witlwrshin:,; on account of the heart. Or convnsl'1:' to shortest path convert deliberate ve('r. 81' that as it nta\ allllcl"Uwl a:,;
he will no bourne as :'et. As w t imaginaJ)le. Hand knee hanu knee as he will. I30unwless dark.
Would it lw reasonal)le to imagine the hearer as
mentally quite inert? E"cept when he hears. That
is when the voice soulllls. For what if not it and his
breath is there for him to hear? . Aha! The crawl. Does
he hear the crawl? The fall? What an audition to com
pany were he but to hear the crawl. The fall. The rising
to all fours again. The crawl resumeu. . And wonder to
himself what in the world such sounds might signif\.
Reserve for a duller moment. What if not soulllI could set his mind in motion? Sight? The temptation is strong to decree there is nothing to see. But too late for the moment. For he sees a change of dark when he opens or shuts his e:'es. And he ma:' see the faint light the voice imagined to shed. Rashl:' imagined. Light infinitely faint it is true since now no more than a mere
murmur. Here suddenly seen how his eyes close as soon as the voice sounds. Should they happen to be open at the time. So light as let be faintest light no longer perceived than the time it takes the lid to fall.
clO
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LL.
Taste? The taste in his mouth? Loner since dulled. t:'
Touch? The thrust of the ground against his bones. All LL
the wa:' from calcaneum to bump of philogenitiwness. Might not a notion to stir ruffle his apath:'? To turn on his side. On his face. For a chanere. Let that much of
t:'
want be conceded. With attendant relief that the da\'s
are no more when he could writhe in vain. Smell? His own? Long since dulled. And a barrier to others if any.
Can thl' crawling creator crawling in the same creatp dark as his creature Cfl~ate \\,hile cra\l'ling? One of the questions he put to himself as bet\l('en t\H) cra\ds he lay. Ancl if the obvious ansm~r \I ere not far to seek the
most helpful was another matter. Ancl man: cra\\ls
\\'ere necessary and the like llllllllJer of prostration::;
before he coulcl finall: make up his imagination on
this score. Aclcling to himself \\ithout cOlwiction in the
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Such as might have once emitted a rat long dead. Or same breath as ah\'avs that no answer of his \las sacred. some other carrion. Yet to be imagined. Unless the Come what might the answer he hazarded in the end
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crawler smell. Aha! The crawling creator. Might the \\'as no he coulcl not. Cra\ding in the clark in thp \I'a\
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crawling creator be reasonablv imagined to smell? L•L
Even fouler than his creature. Stirring now and then to
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wond<:'r that mind so lost to wonder. To wonder what in the \\ odd can be making that alien smell. Whence
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in the wur1d those wafts of villainous smell. How much more companionable could his creator but smell. Could he but smell his creator. Some sixth sense? Inexplicable premonition of impending ill? Yes or no? No. Pure reason? Beyond experience. God is love. Yes or no? No.
described was too serious a matter ancl too all-engross
ing to permit of an:' other business \\-ere it onl:' the
conJ'uring of something out of nothing. For he had
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not onl:' as perhaps too hastil:' imaginecl to co\'er the
ground in this special wa: but rectigracle into the bar
gain to the best of his ability.
