No More Learning

These tendencies are part of the reason George was such a peren- nial backslider, why he underwent so many conversions and counter- conversions. There were no less than six of these in relation to Com- munism, both for and against, and still another in his earlier re- sponse to Christianity. Any explanation must be, as usual, overdeter- mined, and must be based on both George's personal character and on the historical and cultural circumstances. The most obvious factor, but a very important one, was that his family had re-estab- lished itself in Hong Kong, the scene of so much of his childhood, and had once more assumed a collective refugee identity. These cir- cumstances not only created a reason for George to travel back and forth, but gave him an emotional sense of living in two separate homes, of having two distinct centers--or, to put it another way, of commuting between the two identities of the filial son and the modern student. Moreover, at the time of these journeys, George was an adolescent, going through the stage of life during which conversions are most natural, identity experiments most necessary, and Utopian visions most appealing. More than this, he was a Chinese adolescent, who although modern and Western in his direction, was still emotionally tied to traditional Chinese notions of propriety and harmony. Both in denouncing his parents to ful- fil] Communist requirements, and in giving up a career in Com- munist China in response to family loyalties, he felt he was doing the proper thing under the circumstances, adapting himself to the demands of a group which had just claims upon his allegiance.
Then, too, the nature of the Communist demands was such that they always carried with them the potential for rebound. Even among the most rebellious of Chinese youth, filial identifications
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were likely to reappear. One public denunciation cannot wipe out four thousand years of filial ethos. The potential for backsliding would always be there, especially if the environment supports it, and most especially in the company of parents.
In view of all this, one could hardly expect any Chinese youngster to steer a perfectly straight identity course. But two features of George's personal character--his unusually strong dependency needs and his pattern of ambivalence--made him especially susceptible to vacillation. His ties to his mother (she too was indecisive), and his guilt and shame-filled sentiments toward his father and brother (for unfilial acts or thoughts) made it impossible for him to cast off family attachments. Yet his equally compelling quest for group be- longing made it almost impossible for him to live up to them. Never having felt himself to be fully nurtured in an emotional sense (and perhaps constitutionallyin need of an unusual amount of nurturing, of a very special kind), George tended to hold on to those things which had nourished him, and to waver between choices when something had to be given up.
Here again is the death-and-rebirth pattern previously men- tioned. In each of George's conversions and counterconversions there was a somewhat depressive tendency: a pattern of mourn- ing, preoccupation with and guilt toward the lost object, and a need for a working through of these emotions before he could enjoy the fruits of the actual conversion. But perhaps of greater significance was George's capacity to enter into a variety of personal ideological experiences and still retain a strong core of self. Never prone to a totalism like Hu's, his stress upon his own inner life--his creative urge to experience and to know--buffered him against complete self-surrender, and helped to preserve his personal identity. George resembled Professor Castorp in his seemingly submissive tendency to give up so much of himself while really holding on to what was most vital. His unusually strong urge toward self-realization enabled him to use his conversions to enhance his own intellectual and emotional development.
Although George's family ties were undoubtedly the crucial factor in his decision to remain in Hong Kong, he was able to take advantage of these to reawaken parts of himself (especially his urge to know) which had been temporarily stifled under Communism. Nonetheless his over-all responses make it clear that, had there been
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a bit more pressure from the other direction, he might well have made the opposite decision. Not only did he resent his parents for their part in separating him from the appealing group life within China, but he also partially condemned himself for succumbing to their influence and deserting the vast team effort in which he had been involved. The full effects of the hold which the Com- munists had upon him were apparent in his sudden decision to abandon plans to study in Taiwan: this hold was the combination of residual fear and guilt also observed in Hu and in most Western subjects as well (it must also be remembered that at the time the Communists were threatening to "liberate" Taiwan through mili- tary action). Even here, however, George's identity-preserving, creative urges probably had some importance, joining with his fear and guilt in steering him to better opportunities for his own self- expression.
It is interesting to note the interplay of identity and ideology which finally took shape within George. He called forth his most basic components, with the emphasis on compromise alignments. He partially returned to filial obligations (going as far as he felt capable in this direction) in adapting himself to his father's au- thority, even if with inner reservations. At the same time, he main- tained group ties and kept his identity of the modern student and patriot active: through further study in Hong Kong, through work with anti-Communist press organizations, and in his plans to study in America. Thus he maintained both traditional and modern Chinese influences in taking on the ideology of democratic liberal- ism. At different times, he continued to express attitudes of the moralist, the romantic, and the rational scientist. But the effective combination of this array of different identities marks the emergence of the creative artist in George. While this identity is far from the most "practical" for his American future, it seems to be the one most precious to him.
? CHAPTER 18 GRACE WU: MUSIC AND REFORM
What of the experiences of young Chinese women?
The last case I shall discuss is that of a female musi- cian whose thought reform took place during four years of attend- ance at two universities.
Grace Wu was one of the few Chinese subjects I was able to interview within a few weeks after arrival in Hong Kong. Although she had fled from her reform, and had lived quietly at home for more than a year before she left China, she had by no means re- covered from its emotional effects at the time that a mutual ac- quaintance made arrangements for our first interview. A tense and intelligent girl of twenty-four, with sharp features, wearing steel- rimmed glasses, she looked both determined and fragile. She dressed neatly, but not in a particularly feminine manner. With a more Westernized background than any of the Chinese subjects previously described, her English was fluent. The combination of her Westernized upbringing and her agitated emotional state swept away cultural barriers. She plunged into her story without hesita- tion because she had a great need to tell it, and to understand what had happened to her. The freshness of her material and her desire for therapy increased her resemblance to my Western subjects. We had thirteen sessions, totalling about twenty-eight hours, and the last part of our work together was more like psychotherapy than any- thing else.
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The daughter of a customs official (in a customs service separate from the Chinese government, for many years run by foreigners) Grace grew up in the cosmopolitan treaty port cities of Tientsin and Shanghai. Her father, whom she described as "not too strong/' had in later years entered private business without great success, and was frequently unemployed. She spoke of her mother as a more dominant influence and at the same time a more sympathetic person. Mrs. Wu's father had been a Protestant minister, and she was not only deeply concerned with imbuing in her daughter her own values, but also wished to develop in Grace a capacity beyond her own to realize these values--in religion, in education, and especially in music. When Grace began to show outstanding musi- cal talent, after beginning to study piano at the age of five, her mother did everything to encourage its development. Mrs. Wu was easily upset, however, and always nervous; and Grace as a child showed similar characteristics: "I was more quiet than other girls. I was more nervous, and scared easily. I was mentally not strong. "
During much of Grace's childhood, the family lived under the Japanese occupation, and these were hard times. Her father lost his job, and was even arrested and briefly detained by the Japanese. Mr. Wu felt that because of the family's difficult straits Grace should give up her musical studies. She has always remained grate- ful to her mother for insisting that she be permitted to continue. Grace was absorbed in her music, playing, listening, and reading biographies of great musicians. She also did some painting, and when she began to attend missionary schools, she became interested in dramatics and in journalism. But she avoided social activities, and continued to spend a good deal of time alone.
During her teens, Grace faced a series of personal dilemmas relat- ing to family, friends, sex, religion, and music--and also to her strug- gles to make sense out of a distressing torrent of emotions. She re- garded her friends' interest in boys as frivolous, and felt "disgust" when she herself was approached by a boy. Rather than displaying conventional Chinese female shyness, she was frequently outspoken and aggressive, and this led to considerable friction with her female classmates. She wanted to transfer from her secondary school to a special music school, but this time even her mother opposed her, insisting that she acquire a strong general education. Her father was of little help and expressed only mild disapproval of both musi-
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cal training and of the missionary school (he was not a Christian) which she was already attending. Since "mother was strong-willed," it was mother's decision which prevailed*
Inwardly, she was torn between her quests for both musical pas- sion and religious calm, regarding the two emotions as incompatible:
I felt strongly for religion . . . but I felt it was in conflict with music. . . . You are born with emotions that should be changed by religion. But in music, people must use real emotions and express them. . . . A n artist must have strong feeling. . . . Music requires emotions which religion condemns--such as passion and hate. . . . In religion this would be sinful, you have to hold them back. . . . I talked to the minister about it and to others, but I got no good answer. . . . The minister and the musician said opposite things. , . . I had to postpone this problem.
Overwhelmed on all sides, Grace experienced at the age of eighteen what she described as a "breakdown/' with both physical and psychological symptoms:
My health failed. I collapsed. I was in bed for one year. . . . It was in my lung and I was told it would develop into TB if I wasn't careful. The symptoms were weakness and I tired easily. I stayed in bed for one year. I got up a little in the afternoons. I was weak and I had fever. I spent the time reading and listening to the radio.
She recognized that emotional elements were important in her illness, and she thought these were the product of her own evil:
The feeling I had then was that I was selfish. . . . I couldn't get what I wanted so I felt different from others, angry and frustrated. . . . Now I realize that I created these feelings . . . inside of myself.
But her illness was not without its rewards:
After one or two months I got used to it. Friends came to visit once in a while. People are nice to you when you are sick.
Returning to senior high school after a year of absence, Grace continued her journalistic interests and was caught up in postwar political currents. At first she had been excited by the restoration of Chinese sovereignty and the end of the Japanese occupation; but like most of her fellow students, she soon became disillusioned
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with the Nationalist regime, and condemned its use of personal privilege and "squeeze. " She contributed her share of critical state- ments about the government to the student newspaper, and in- fluenced by a few enthusiastic Communist students, she began, with many classmates, to take an interest in Russian writers and in other Communist programs. She was just finishing high school at the time of the Communist takeover. Although she had heard stories of Communist atrocities ("their killing church congregations, taking anything they wanted, acting like monsters"), she shared the general feeling of sympathy and expectation:
W e students had lost hope in the Nationalists. W e welcomed the Communists. , . . We waited to seeand felt that they might be better, I was of the young generation and looked forward to change and im- provement.
The Communists' exemplary behavior seemed at first to support these expectations. Grace and her friends were impressed by the discipline of their armies ("the Chinese saying, 'Good men do not become soldiers' did not seem to be true of these men"), and with the initial atmosphere of freedom.
A few months later, Grace entered a local missionary college as a journalism major, bowing to her parents7 insistence that she re- main at home (this time her father had his say) because of the uncertain political situation, rather than attend a university in Peking where a music course was available. Her journalistic work first brought her into contact with Communist pressures, and her earliest response was one of confusion:
We were told not to see things from the university's viewpoint, but from the people's viewpoint--to always think of the common people. . . . The Communists tried to organize everything, and since we never came across anything that we knew the answer to beforehand, we were quite confused. They failed a student whom they didn't want in power. . . , They were not satisfied with the facts, and would only want us to print certain items, telling us, 'T h e paper is to educate people . . . not sim- ply to bring news. " At first we spoke in a straightforward manner, but later we learned not to.
Soon intensive political studies were inaugurated, as well as the beginning of a program of student thought reform. Despite her dis-
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comfort, Grace began to come under Communist influence, an influence which, in retrospect, she considered pernicious:
They are careful at first to do things step by step, gradually . , . you don't feel guilty [about following the Communist line] because they explain it all to you. You feel you are doing a big thing. They make a standard for you to follow and you say that I am doing things right according to their standard . . . . If you once believe in them, it's natural to go on believing. . . . It's just like poisoning . . . it goes deeper and deeper.
As the pressures mounted, Grace began to feel increasingly anxious. As an editor of the school paper, she attended a large number of meetings and was generally in the center of these new activities. She began to become painfully aware of restrictions upon personal freedom and of tightening controls--especially when a prominent newspaper had its publication suspended for three days for stating that North Korea had invaded South Korea. She became increasingly critical of the Communists: "I gradually began to feel that what they said was not what I thought. I was disappointed in the Communists and had a strong feeling of dissatisfaction. " She felt it necessary to extricate herself from a threatening situation, and to choose a field of study other than journalism.
She decided to take advantage of a promise made earlier to her by her parents, that, should she become dissatisfied with journalism, she would be permitted to return to her musical studies. During her sophomore year, she arranged to transfer to Yenching University in Peking, one of China's major institutions of higher learning, and one with long-established American missionary and educational associations. 1 There, in a class of twenty-five music majors, she studied in a department run by three professors, two American and one Chinese. She worked hard and made progress in her musical development. She was especially close to one of the American professors, Mr. Moore, and came to value both his musical guidance and his friendship. During her lessons with him, they discussed not only music, but also philosophy and to some extent the immediate problems of life in Communist China. She felt greatly inspired by him and developed for him "an affection . . . a kind of love/' As the atmosphere began to tighten, however, she noted that he and all of the other American professors were being repeatedly de- nounced at student meetings, and she advised him to leave the
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country for the sake of his personal safety.
During the winter of 1951-52, a little more than a year after her
transfer, Grace was suddenly put in a situation much more pain- ful than any she had yet experienced at either of the universities. Until this time, she had managed to avoid trouble by burying her- self in her work and doing nothing antagonistic to the Communist program; she was considered a promising musician, if politically "a bit lagging behind. " But now she was approached by a newly appointed and highly "progressive" Chinese music instructor who began to exert strong pressures on her, first to inform upon Mr.
Moore, and later to denounce him publicly as a "reactionary. " She became embroiled in a series of demands and threats, which she somehow managed to resist:
He told me that this was to be a big movement, and that it was my chance to have a bright future. He said I should try to search out Mr. Moore's faults and then come back and tell him about them. He said that since I was friendly with Mr. Moore, I could give important infor- mation about him. . . . He said that this was a challenge, and if I accepted it I would be safe. . . . I told him I did not want to doany- thing which I didn't believe in, and that I didn't think that things should be done this way. I said that Mr. Moore was an American and was not "progressive," but there was nothing more I could tell him. He said, "You are not smart. You won't have a bright future in spite of being a good musician. . . . "
Weeks later, I heard that the police had taken Mr. Moore's cook into custody, and again the new teacher came to me. He said, "The cook has confessed, and now it is your turn. I give you three days. Otherwise you might go to prison or to labor reform. If you do confess, you will get a new life. " I was startled, I didn't know if the cook had confessed or what he confessed. Moore had told me I could say anything about him since he was safe as a foreigner, while I could get into trouble. I had no one to consult during this time. I knew that if I did say anything, I could start anew, but I knew it would be bad for Moore. I believed that what they said was not true, so I did not want to say anything. The students were against me, as they felt I knew something I wasn't telling. . . . For two nights, I could not sleep. I made the decision not to sayany- thing. At the end of two days, I went to them. I said I could not confess an untruth. . . . Finally they admitted that they had not gotten the cook and he had not confessed and I was allowed to leave.
This incident--which extended over several months--took its emo- tional toll.
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At this time my nerves were shot. I got neurotic diarrhea, I could never relax. It got worse. They were suspicious of me and the doctor said I was neurotic. They asked me why I was so nervous. I asked for sick leave at the hospital for one week and got it. The diarrhea stopped and I went back to school . . . but I knew I had won.
I realized that I must go. They hadn't got me this time, but the next time they would. I was also worried about Moore. I asked a boy student to take a walk on campus with me. If I went with a girl it would look more suspicious than being with a boy. We went past Moore's house> and I heard him playing so that I knew he was not in prison. I saw a policeman there who was watching his house. From the way he played a Chopin waltz I knew he was upset. He never played like that ordinarily. I left without his knowing I had been there.
Grace was also disturbed by much else that went on during the general thought reform movement, which was compounded of the "Three Anti" and "Honesty and Frankness" campaigns.
She felt "disgusted" by what she considered to be the Party's view toward love and sex:
If a boy was interested in someone, he would check with the Party to see if it was all right to be in love. Then if the Party gave the go-ahead, he would go to the girl and say, "So-and-so, I am interested in you. Can we develop? " The girl would then give an answer, "We can try. " Three weeks later they would announce that they were lovers. If the girl would say, "I cannot develop," he would continue arguing and returning. The girl is supposed to be honored if a progressive person asks for her love. . . . If she spurns a progressive man, the Party will come and talk to her. If she has a good reason, the Party will give in or they will ask if there is some way the man might change to be acceptable. . . . Many girls have babies. At first a pregnancy was news, but later it was not. They would say, "Sooner or later, they will be married, so what does it matter? " They made love a kind of business.
She was both shocked and impressed when the president of the university was publicly denounced by his own daughter.
The president of our university had three children, two sons and one daughter. The Communists went to them and asked them to help against their father. The sons refused. The daughter was a graduate of the physics department doing research work. They went to her and told her that her father, Dr. Lu, was a traitor. . . . They persuaded the daughter to accuse him during a small meeting. It was very dramatic. She cried and shouted, called him by his first name. He sat there with
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his head lowered and was very ashamed of her. Her mother was there and cried. Her father had been a doctor of psychology and was sixty years old. The daughter was so successful that they put her in a large meeting of the whole student body and she repeated her accusations. Everyone began to listen to her and her father's reputation now began to fall. 2
Grace described the special exhibits at which letters from the university president's files were displayed, demonstrating his Amer- ican connections and his alleged part in making Yenching a "stub- born castle of reaction. " Student guides took other students around the exhibit and explained "why we are poisoned here at Yenching," always ending their tour with the impassioned conclusion: "There is no way out but reforming. Hate your past, and you will find your way for the future. "
In music, Communist attitudes violated her aesthetic standards, and greatly confused her.
The Communists called modern Western music unhealthy. . . . We had many meetings on this. . . . They wanted a new form of music. . . . Modern music is too abstract and uncontrolled for them. French composers like Debussy they feel are unhealthy for the people. They say that this music gives the people queer thoughts and funny ideas. That if we listen to Debussy we will feel as though we are under water or watching the sea. They say that since there is really nothing like this, we will begin to think abnormally. . . . To them anything fantastic or abstract is abnormal and unhealthy. , . . They wanted us to learn folk songs and folk dances, to go among the common people who need healthy recreation. . . . They liked songs that named all of the histori- cal figures--like Mao. They said that these songs enable people to get educated with a healthy spirit. . . . I couldn't find a solution. . . . I thought, maybe their music was healthy, but it was not inspired.
She noticed that many of the other music students also had difficulty absorbing these policies. Some became so involved with meetings and reform activity that they did not have enough time to practice; others were in such psychological distress that they could not play; and many vocal students thought their voices unsuitable for folk songs. The authorities recognized that "thought problems" were likely to be particularly common among music students be- cause of their artistic sensitivities, and usually approached them with a certain amount of delicacy, allowing for individual variations. The
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net result was that Grace saw almost everybody around her succumb- ing to the thought reform program:
My friends changed their minds after a while. . . . They really did. They tried to give me advice. They told me that when they had believed in Western music, they were merely looking at life from the narrow standpoint of their own personal enjoyment. They found that the coun- try people enjoy folk music, and that there modern music was not wel- come. What is most important, they said, was that somebody appreciated their music. Sooner or later we must change our minds, they said, and it is easier to do it now. There were others who hadn't believed strongly in their own music, and they changed right away. Almost everyone changed. I began to wonder what was right.
At first, there were at least ten people who were strongly against the Communists. But gradually, as the pressure mounted, they turned over. . . . They would say, "Why should I lean on decayed theory? " They read only Communist books, saw things only from that point of view, and when they had a conflict they went to a Party member for advice. Some went over without a struggle, but even those with strong con- victions finally gave up and went over to the Communist side.
She felt increasingly isolated, out of step with all that was going on around her. Her difficulty was that she could neither completely deny to herself the validity of what the Communists were putting forward, nor wholeheartedly go along with it.
I wasvery confused. . . . I felt lonely. . . . I wanted to keep putting off the problem, to not think of it until the next day. At times they seemed reasonable by their logic and theory. You got so you had to think back on your own logic and theory to understand how you really felt. . . . I found it hard to be alone with all the world on the other side. You feel like a stranger in that environment if you don't go over.
Singled out for much special attention, she was constantly accused of having a "technical point of view":
I was a hard worker, and was criticized for being seven hours at the piano and only two hours at the meetings. They said, "To you there is nothing but a piano. Think of the millions of your country's people. "
She observed the other's confessions and conformed to the ex- tent she thought necessary, but she did not always have complete control of her feelings.
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The secret in writing a confession is to make up your mind what your deficiency is in their thinking. You won't get past this otherwise, unless you understand what they want to hear. . . . I made several points. You always need several points.