Wherever
Nodes does in the summer come,
He prays his harvest may be well brought home.
He prays his harvest may be well brought home.
Robert Herrick - Hesperide and Noble Numbers
EPIG.
Feacie, some say, doth wash her clothes i' th' lie
That sharply trickles from her either eye.
The laundresses, they envy her good-luck,
Who can with so small charges drive the buck.
What needs she fire and ashes to consume,
Who can scour linens with her own salt rheum?
_Drive the buck_, wash clothes.
482. UPON SKURF.
Skurf by his nine-bones swears, and well he may:
All know a fellon eat the tenth away.
_Fellon_, whitlow.
500. UPON JACK AND JILL. EPIG.
When Jill complains to Jack for want of meat,
Jack kisses Jill and bids her freely eat:
Jill says, Of what? says Jack, On that sweet kiss,
Which full of nectar and ambrosia is,
The food of poets. So I thought, says Jill,
That makes them look so lank, so ghost-like still.
Let poets feed on air, or what they will;
Let me feed full, till that I fart, says Jill.
503. UPON PARRAT.
Parrat protests 'tis he, and only he
Can teach a man the art of memory:
Believe him not; for he forgot it quite,
Being drunk, who 'twas that can'd his ribs last night.
514. KISSING AND BUSSING.
Kissing and bussing differ both in this;
We buss our wantons, but our wives we kiss.
520. UPON MAGGOT, A FREQUENTER OF ORDINARIES.
Maggot frequents those houses of good-cheer,
Talks most, eats most, of all the feeders there.
He raves through lean, he rages through the fat,
(What gets the master of the meal by that? )
He who with talking can devour so much,
How would he eat, were not his hindrance such?
533. ON JOAN.
Joan would go tell her hairs; and well she might,
Having but seven in all: three black, four white.
534. UPON LETCHER. EPIG.
Letcher was carted first about the streets,
For false position in his neighbour's sheets:
Next, hanged for thieving: now the people say,
His carting was the prologue to this play.
535. UPON DUNDRIGE.
Dundrige his issue hath; but is not styl'd,
For all his issue, father of one child.
553. WAY IN A CROWD.
Once on a Lord Mayor's Day, in Cheapside, when
Skulls could not well pass through that scum of men,
For quick despatch Skulls made no longer stay
Than but to breathe, and everyone gave way;
For, as he breathed, the people swore from thence
A fart flew out, or a sir-reverence.
_Sir-reverence_, "save-reverence," the word of apology used for the
indecency itself.
557. UPON ONE-EY'D BROOMSTED. EPIG.
Broomsted a lameness got by cold and beer:
And to the bath went, to be cured there:
His feet were helped, and left his crutch behind;
But home returned, as he went forth, half blind.
563. UPON SIBILLA.
With paste of almonds, Syb her hands doth scour;
Then gives it to the children to devour.
In cream she bathes her thighs, more soft than silk;
Then to the poor she freely gives the milk.
570. UPON TOOLY.
The eggs of pheasants wry-nosed Tooly sells,
But ne'er so much as licks the speckled shells:
Only, if one prove addled, that he eats
With superstition, as the cream of meats.
The cock and hen he feeds; but not a bone
He ever picked, as yet, of anyone.
_Superstition_, reverence.
573. UPON BLANCH. EPIG.
I have seen many maidens to have hair,
Both for their comely need and some to spare;
But Blanch has not so much upon her head
As to bind up her chaps when she is dead.
574. UPON UMBER.
Umber was painting of a lion fierce,
And, working it, by chance from Umber's erse
Flew out a crack, so mighty, that the fart,
As Umber states, did make his lion start.
579. UPON URLES.
Urles had the gout so, that he could not stand;
Then from his feet it shifted to his hand:
When 'twas in's feet, his charity was small;
Now 'tis in's hand, he gives no alms at all.
580. UPON FRANCK.
Franck ne'er wore silk she swears; but I reply,
She now wears silk to hide her blood-shot eye.
590. UPON A FREE MAID, WITH A FOUL BREATH.
You say you'll kiss me, and I thank you for it;
But stinking breath, I do as hell abhor it.
591. UPON COONE. EPIG.
What is the reason Coone so dully smells?
His nose is over-cool'd with icicles.
596. UPON SPALT.
Of pushes Spalt has such a knotty race,
He needs a tucker for to burl his face.
_Pushes_, pimples.
_Tucker_, a fuller.
_Burl_, to remove knots from cloth.
597. OF HORNE, A COMBMAKER.
Horne sells to others teeth; but has not one
To grace his own gums, or of box, or bone.
600. UPON A SOUR-BREATH LADY. EPIG.
Fie, quoth my lady, what a stink is here?
When 'twas her breath that was the carrionere.
_Carrionere_, carrion-carrier.
612. UPON COCK.
Cock calls his wife his Hen: when Cock goes to't,
Cock treads his Hen, but treads her underfoot.
632. UPON BRAN. EPIG.
What made that mirth last night? the neighbours say,
That Bran the baker did his breech beray:
I rather think, though they may speak the worst,
'Twas to his batch, but leaven laid there first.
_Beray_, befoul.
633. UPON SNARE, AN USURER.
Snare, ten i' th' hundred calls his wife; and why?
She brings in much by carnal usury.
He by extortion brings in three times more:
Say, who's the worst, th' exactor or the whore?
634. UPON GRUDGINGS.
Grudgings turns bread to stones, when to the poor
He gives an alms, and chides them from his door.
638. UPON GANDER. EPIG.
Since Gander did his pretty youngling wed,
Gander, they say, doth each night piss a-bed:
What is the cause? Why, Gander will reply,
No goose lays good eggs that is trodden dry.
639. UPON LUNGS. EPIG.
Lungs, as some say, ne'er sets him down to eat
But that his breath does fly-blow all the meat.
650. UPON COB. EPIG.
Cob clouts his shoes, and, as the story tells,
His thumb nails par'd afford him sparrables.
_Sparrables_, "sparrow-bills," headless nails.
652. UPON SKOLES. EPIG.
Skoles stinks so deadly, that his breeches loath
His dampish buttocks furthermore to clothe;
Cloy'd they are up with arse; but hope, one blast
Will whirl about, and blow them thence at last.
661. UPON JONE AND JANE.
Jone is a wench that's painted;
Jone is a girl that's tainted;
Yet Jone she goes
Like one of those
Whom purity had sainted.
Jane is a girl that's pretty;
Jane is a wench that's witty;
Yet who would think,
Her breath does stink,
As so it doth? that's pity.
668. UPON ZELOT.
Is Zelot pure? he is: yet! see he wears
The sign of circumcision in his ears.
670. UPON MADAM URSLY. EPIG.
For ropes of pearl, first Madam Ursly shows
A chain of corns picked from her ears and toes;
Then, next, to match Tradescant's curious shells,
Nails from her fingers mew'd she shows: what else?
Why then, forsooth, a carcanet is shown
Of teeth, as deaf as nuts, and all her own.
_Tradescant_, a collector of curiosities. See Note.
_Mew'd_, moulted.
_Deaf as nuts. _ _Cf. _ De Quincey, "a deaf nut offering no kernel. "
705. UPON TRIGG. EPIG.
Trigg having turn'd his suit, he struts in state,
And tells the world he's now regenerate.
706. UPON SMEATON.
How could Luke Smeaton wear a shoe, or boot,
Who two-and-thirty corns had on a foot.
714. LAXARE FIBULAM.
To loose the button is no less,
Than to cast off all bashfulness.
730. UPON FRANCK.
Franck would go scour her teeth; and setting to 't
Twice two fell out, all rotten at the root.
733. UPON PAUL. EPIG.
Paul's hands do give; what give they, bread or meat,
Or money? no, but only dew and sweat.
As stones and salt gloves use to give, even so
Paul's hands do give, nought else for ought we know.
734. UPON SIBB. EPIG.
Sibb, when she saw her face how hard it was,
For anger spat on thee, her looking-glass:
But weep not, crystal; for the same was meant
Not unto thee, but that thou didst present.
755. UPON SLOUCH.
Slouch he packs up, and goes to several fairs,
And weekly markets for to sell his wares:
Meantime that he from place to place does roam,
His wife her own ware sells as fast at home.
797. UPON BICE.
Bice laughs, when no man speaks; and doth protest.
It is his own breech there that breaks the jest.
798. UPON TRENCHERMAN.
Tom shifts the trenchers; yet he never can
Endure that lukewarm name of serving-man:
Serve or not serve, let Tom do what he can,
He is a serving, who's a trencher-man.
801. UPON COMELY, A GOOD SPEAKER BUT AN ILL SINGER. EPIG.
Comely acts well; and when he speaks his part,
He doth it with the sweetest tones of art:
But when he sings a psalm, there's none can be
More curs'd for singing out of tune than he.
802. ANY WAY FOR WEALTH.
E'en all religious courses to be rich
Hath been rehers'd by Joel Michelditch:
But now perceiving that it still does please
The sterner fates, to cross his purposes;
He tacks about, and now he doth profess
Rich he will be by all unrighteousness;
Thus if our ship fails of her anchor hold
We'll love the divel, so he lands the gold.
803. UPON AN OLD WOMAN.
Old Widow Prouse, to do her neighbours evil,
Would give, some say, her soul unto the devil.
Well, when she's kill'd that pig, goose, cock, or hen,
What would she give to get that soul again?
804. UPON PEARCH. EPIG.
Thou writes in prose how sweet all virgins be;
But there's not one, doth praise the smell of thee.
818. UPON LOACH.
Seal'd up with night-gum, Loach each morning lies,
Till his wife licking, so unglues his eyes.
No question then, but such a lick is sweet,
When a warm tongue does with such ambers meet.
824. UPON NODES.
Wherever Nodes does in the summer come,
He prays his harvest may be well brought home.
What store of corn has careful Nodes, think you,
Whose field his foot is, and whose barn his shoe?
831. UPON TAP.
Tap, better known than trusted, as we hear,
Sold his old mother's spectacles for beer:
And not unlikely; rather too than fail,
He'll sell her eyes, and nose, for beer and ale.
834. UPON PUNCHIN. EPIG.
Give me a reason why men call
Punchin a dry plant-animal.
Because as plants by water grow,
Punchin by beer and ale spreads so.
836. UPON BLINKS. EPIG.
Tom Blinks his nose is full of weals, and these
Tom calls not pimples, but pimpleides;
Sometimes, in mirth, he says each whelk's a spark,
When drunk with beer, to light him home i' th' dark.
837. UPON ADAM PEAPES. EPIG.
Peapes he does strut, and pick his teeth, as if
His jaws had tir'd on some large chine of beef.
But nothing so: the dinner Adam had,
Was cheese full ripe with tears, with bread as sad.
_Sad_, heavy: "watery cheese and ill-baked bread".
844. HANCH, A SCHOOLMASTER. EPIG.
Hanch, since he lately did inter his wife,
He weeps and sighs, as weary of his life.
Say, is't for real grief he mourns? not so;
Tears have their springs from joy, as well as woe.
845. UPON PEASON. EPIG.
Long locks of late our zealot Peason wears,
Not for to hide his high and mighty ears;
No, but because he would not have it seen
That stubble stands where once large ears have been.
880. KISSES LOATHSOME.
I abhor the slimy kiss,
Which to me most loathsome is.
Those lips please me which are placed
Close, but not too strictly laced:
Yielding I would have them; yet
Not a wimbling tongue admit:
What should poking-sticks make there,
When the ruffe is set elswhere?
881. UPON REAPE.
Reape's eyes so raw are that, it seems, the flies
Mistake the flesh, and fly-blow both his eyes;
So that an angler, for a day's expense,
May bait his hook with maggots taken thence.
882. UPON TEAGE.
Teage has told lies so long that when Teage tells
Truth, yet Teage's truths are untruths, nothing else.
884. UPON TRUGGIN.
Truggin a footman was; but now, grown lame,
Truggin now lives but to belie his name.
886. UPON SPENKE.
Spenke has a strong breath, yet short prayers saith;
Not out of want of breath, but want of faith.
888. UPON LULLS.
Lulls swears he is all heart; but you'll suppose
By his proboscis that he is all nose.
897. SURFEITS.
Bad are all surfeits; but physicians call
That surfeit took by bread the worst of all.
898. UPON NIS.
Nis he makes verses; but the lines he writes
Serve but for matter to make paper kites.
905. UPON PRICKLES. EPIG.
Prickles is waspish, and puts forth his sting
For bread, drink, butter, cheese; for everything
That Prickles buys puts Prickles out of frame;
How well his nature's fitted to his name!
945. UPON BLISSE.
Blisse, last night drunk, did kiss his mother's knee;
Where will he kiss, next drunk, conjecture ye.
946. UPON BURR.
Burr is a smell-feast, and a man alone,
That, where meat is, will be a hanger on.
947. UPON MEG.
Meg yesterday was troubled with a pose,
Which, this night harden'd, sodders up her nose.
_Pose_, rheum, cold in the head.
961. UPON RALPH.
Ralph pares his nails, his warts, his corns, and Ralph
In sev'rall tills and boxes, keeps 'em safe;
Instead of hartshorn, if he speaks the troth,
To make a lusty-jelly for his broth.
966. UPON VINEGAR.
Vinegar is no other, I define,
Than the dead corps, or carcase of the wine.
967. UPON MUDGE.
Mudge every morning to the postern comes,
His teeth all out, to rinse and wash his gums.
971. UPON LUPES.
Lupes for the outside of his suit has paid;
But for his heart, he cannot have it made;
The reason is, his credit cannot get
The inward garbage for his clothes as yet.
972. RAGS.
What are our patches, tatters, rags, and rents,
But the base dregs and lees of vestiments?
974. UPON TUBBS.
For thirty years Tubbs has been proud and poor;
'Tis now his habit, which he can't give o'er.
984. UPON SPOKES.
Spokes, when he sees a roasted pig, he swears
Nothing he loves on't but the chaps and ears:
But carve to him the fat flanks, and he shall
Rid these, and those, and part by part eat all.
988. UPON FAUNUS.
We read how Faunus, he the shepherds' god,
His wife to death whipped with a myrtle rod.
The rod, perhaps, was better'd by the name;
But had it been of birch, the death's the same.
989. THE QUINTELL.
Up with the quintell, that the rout,
May fart for joy, as well as shout:
Either's welcome, stink or civit,
If we take it, as they give it.
999. UPON PENNY.
Brown bread Tom Penny eats, and must of right,
Because his stock will not hold out for white.
1013. UPON BUGGINS.
Buggins is drunk all night, all day he sleeps;
This is the level-coil that Buggins keeps.
1027. UPON BOREMAN. EPIG.
Boreman takes toll, cheats, natters, lies; yet Boreman,
For all the devil helps, will be a poor man.
1068. UPON GORGONIUS.
Unto Pastillus rank Gorgonius came
To have a tooth twitched out of's native frame;
Drawn was his tooth, but stank so, that some say,
The barber stopped his nose, and ran away.
1079. UPON GRUBS.
Grubs loves his wife and children, while that they
Can live by love, or else grow fat by play;
But when they call or cry on Grubs for meat,
Instead of bread Grubs gives them stones to eat.
He raves, he rends, and while he thus doth tear,
His wife and children fast to death for fear.
1080. UPON DOLL.
No question but Doll's cheeks would soon roast dry,
Were they not basted by her either eye.
1081. UPON HOG.
Hog has a place i' the' kitchen, and his share,
The flimsy livers and blue gizzards are.
1087. UPON GUT.
Science puffs up, says Gut, when either pease
Make him thus swell, or windy cabbages.
1101. UPON SPUR.
Spur jingles now, and swears by no mean oaths,
He's double honour'd, since he's got gay clothes:
Most like his suit, and all commend the trim;
And thus they praise the sumpter, but not him:
As to the goddess, people did confer
Worship, and not to th' ass that carried her.
1108. UPON RUMP.
Rump is a turn-broach, yet he seldom can
Steal a swoln sop out of a dripping-pan.
1109. UPON SHOPTER.
Old Widow Shopter, whensoe'er she cries,
Lets drip a certain gravy from her eyes.
1110. UPON DEB.
If felt and heard, unseen, thou dost me please;
If seen, thou lik'st me, Deb, in none of these.
1112. UPON CROOT.
One silver spoon shines in the house of Croot;
Who cannot buy or steal a second to't.
1114. UPON FLOOD OR A THANKFUL MAN.
Flood, if he has for him and his a bit,
He says his fore and after grace for it:
If meat he wants, then grace he says to see
His hungry belly borne on legs jail-free.
Thus have, or have not, all alike is good
To this our poor yet ever patient Flood.
1115. UPON PIMP.
When Pimp's feet sweat, as they do often use,
There springs a soap-like lather in his shoes.
1116. UPON LUSK.
In Den'shire Kersey Lusk, when he was dead,
Would shrouded be and therewith buried.
When his assigns asked him the reason why,
He said, because he got his wealth thereby.
1117. FOOLISHNESS.
In's Tusc'lans, Tully doth confess,
No plague there's like to foolishness.
1118. UPON RUSH.
Rush saves his shoes in wet and snowy weather;
And fears in summer to wear out the leather;
This is strong thrift that wary Rush doth use
Summer and winter still to save his shoes.
1124. THE HAG.
The staff is now greas'd;
And very well pleas'd,
She cocks out her arse at the parting,
To an old ram goat
That rattles i' th' throat,
Half-choked with the stink of her farting.
In a dirty hair-lace
She leads on a brace
Of black boar-cats to attend her:
Who scratch at the moon,
And threaten at noon
Of night from heaven for to rend her.
A-hunting she goes,
A cracked horn she blows,
At which the hounds fall a-bounding;
While th' moon in her sphere
Peeps trembling for fear,
And night's afraid of the sounding.
_Lace_, leash.
_Boar-cat_, tom-cat.
NOTES TO APPENDIX.
64. _To him that has, etc. _ The quotation is not from the Bible, but
from Martial, v. 81:--
"Semper pauper eris, si pauper es, Aemiliane.
Dantur opes nulli nunc nisi divitibus. "
Cp. also Davison's Poet. Rhap. , i. 95. Ed. Bullen.
126. _Upon Scobble. _ Dr. Grosart quotes an Ellis Scobble [_i. e. _,
Scobell], baptised at Dean Priory in 1632, and Jeffery Scobble buried in
1654.
200. _Upon Gubbs. _ Printed in _Witts Recreations_, 1650, without
alteration. To save repetition we may give here a list of the other
Epigrams in this Appendix which are printed in _Witt's Recreations_,
reserving variations of reading for special notes:--206, _Upon Bounce_;
239, _Upon Guess_; 311, _Upon Sneap_; 357, _Long and Lazy_; 379, _Upon
Doll_; 380, _Upon Screw_; 381, _Upon Linnit_; 400, _Upon Rasp_; 410,
_Upon Skinns_; 429, _Upon Craw_; 435, _Jack and Jill_; 574, _Upon
Umber_; 639, _Upon Lungs_; 650, _Upon Cob_; 652, _Upon Skoles_; 668,
_Upon Zelot_; 705, _Upon Trigg_; 797, _Upon Bice_; 798, _Upon
Trencherman_; 834, _Upon Punchin_; 888, _Upon Lulls_; 1027, _Upon
Boreman_; 1087, _Upon Gut_; 1108, _Upon Rump_.
305. _Fearing to break the king's commandement. _ In 1608 there was
issued a proclamation containing "Orders conceived by the Lords of his
Maiestie's Privie Counsell and by his Highnesse speciall direction,
commanded to be put in execution for the restraint of killing and eating
of flesh the next Lent". This was re-issued ten years later (there is no
intermediate issue at the British Museum), and from 1619 onwards became
annual under James and Charles in the form of "A proclamation for
restraint of killing, dressing, and eating of Flesh in Lent, or on Fish
dayes, appointed by the Law, to be hereafter strictly observed by all
sorts of people".
420. _Upon Bridget_. Loss of teeth is the occasion of more than one of
Martial's epigrams.
456. _The tun of Heidelberg_: in the cellar under the castle at
Heidelberg is a great cask supposed to be able to hold 50,000 gallons.
574. _As Umber states_: "as Umber _swears_". --W. R.
639. _His breath does fly-blow_: "doth" for "does". --W.
Feacie, some say, doth wash her clothes i' th' lie
That sharply trickles from her either eye.
The laundresses, they envy her good-luck,
Who can with so small charges drive the buck.
What needs she fire and ashes to consume,
Who can scour linens with her own salt rheum?
_Drive the buck_, wash clothes.
482. UPON SKURF.
Skurf by his nine-bones swears, and well he may:
All know a fellon eat the tenth away.
_Fellon_, whitlow.
500. UPON JACK AND JILL. EPIG.
When Jill complains to Jack for want of meat,
Jack kisses Jill and bids her freely eat:
Jill says, Of what? says Jack, On that sweet kiss,
Which full of nectar and ambrosia is,
The food of poets. So I thought, says Jill,
That makes them look so lank, so ghost-like still.
Let poets feed on air, or what they will;
Let me feed full, till that I fart, says Jill.
503. UPON PARRAT.
Parrat protests 'tis he, and only he
Can teach a man the art of memory:
Believe him not; for he forgot it quite,
Being drunk, who 'twas that can'd his ribs last night.
514. KISSING AND BUSSING.
Kissing and bussing differ both in this;
We buss our wantons, but our wives we kiss.
520. UPON MAGGOT, A FREQUENTER OF ORDINARIES.
Maggot frequents those houses of good-cheer,
Talks most, eats most, of all the feeders there.
He raves through lean, he rages through the fat,
(What gets the master of the meal by that? )
He who with talking can devour so much,
How would he eat, were not his hindrance such?
533. ON JOAN.
Joan would go tell her hairs; and well she might,
Having but seven in all: three black, four white.
534. UPON LETCHER. EPIG.
Letcher was carted first about the streets,
For false position in his neighbour's sheets:
Next, hanged for thieving: now the people say,
His carting was the prologue to this play.
535. UPON DUNDRIGE.
Dundrige his issue hath; but is not styl'd,
For all his issue, father of one child.
553. WAY IN A CROWD.
Once on a Lord Mayor's Day, in Cheapside, when
Skulls could not well pass through that scum of men,
For quick despatch Skulls made no longer stay
Than but to breathe, and everyone gave way;
For, as he breathed, the people swore from thence
A fart flew out, or a sir-reverence.
_Sir-reverence_, "save-reverence," the word of apology used for the
indecency itself.
557. UPON ONE-EY'D BROOMSTED. EPIG.
Broomsted a lameness got by cold and beer:
And to the bath went, to be cured there:
His feet were helped, and left his crutch behind;
But home returned, as he went forth, half blind.
563. UPON SIBILLA.
With paste of almonds, Syb her hands doth scour;
Then gives it to the children to devour.
In cream she bathes her thighs, more soft than silk;
Then to the poor she freely gives the milk.
570. UPON TOOLY.
The eggs of pheasants wry-nosed Tooly sells,
But ne'er so much as licks the speckled shells:
Only, if one prove addled, that he eats
With superstition, as the cream of meats.
The cock and hen he feeds; but not a bone
He ever picked, as yet, of anyone.
_Superstition_, reverence.
573. UPON BLANCH. EPIG.
I have seen many maidens to have hair,
Both for their comely need and some to spare;
But Blanch has not so much upon her head
As to bind up her chaps when she is dead.
574. UPON UMBER.
Umber was painting of a lion fierce,
And, working it, by chance from Umber's erse
Flew out a crack, so mighty, that the fart,
As Umber states, did make his lion start.
579. UPON URLES.
Urles had the gout so, that he could not stand;
Then from his feet it shifted to his hand:
When 'twas in's feet, his charity was small;
Now 'tis in's hand, he gives no alms at all.
580. UPON FRANCK.
Franck ne'er wore silk she swears; but I reply,
She now wears silk to hide her blood-shot eye.
590. UPON A FREE MAID, WITH A FOUL BREATH.
You say you'll kiss me, and I thank you for it;
But stinking breath, I do as hell abhor it.
591. UPON COONE. EPIG.
What is the reason Coone so dully smells?
His nose is over-cool'd with icicles.
596. UPON SPALT.
Of pushes Spalt has such a knotty race,
He needs a tucker for to burl his face.
_Pushes_, pimples.
_Tucker_, a fuller.
_Burl_, to remove knots from cloth.
597. OF HORNE, A COMBMAKER.
Horne sells to others teeth; but has not one
To grace his own gums, or of box, or bone.
600. UPON A SOUR-BREATH LADY. EPIG.
Fie, quoth my lady, what a stink is here?
When 'twas her breath that was the carrionere.
_Carrionere_, carrion-carrier.
612. UPON COCK.
Cock calls his wife his Hen: when Cock goes to't,
Cock treads his Hen, but treads her underfoot.
632. UPON BRAN. EPIG.
What made that mirth last night? the neighbours say,
That Bran the baker did his breech beray:
I rather think, though they may speak the worst,
'Twas to his batch, but leaven laid there first.
_Beray_, befoul.
633. UPON SNARE, AN USURER.
Snare, ten i' th' hundred calls his wife; and why?
She brings in much by carnal usury.
He by extortion brings in three times more:
Say, who's the worst, th' exactor or the whore?
634. UPON GRUDGINGS.
Grudgings turns bread to stones, when to the poor
He gives an alms, and chides them from his door.
638. UPON GANDER. EPIG.
Since Gander did his pretty youngling wed,
Gander, they say, doth each night piss a-bed:
What is the cause? Why, Gander will reply,
No goose lays good eggs that is trodden dry.
639. UPON LUNGS. EPIG.
Lungs, as some say, ne'er sets him down to eat
But that his breath does fly-blow all the meat.
650. UPON COB. EPIG.
Cob clouts his shoes, and, as the story tells,
His thumb nails par'd afford him sparrables.
_Sparrables_, "sparrow-bills," headless nails.
652. UPON SKOLES. EPIG.
Skoles stinks so deadly, that his breeches loath
His dampish buttocks furthermore to clothe;
Cloy'd they are up with arse; but hope, one blast
Will whirl about, and blow them thence at last.
661. UPON JONE AND JANE.
Jone is a wench that's painted;
Jone is a girl that's tainted;
Yet Jone she goes
Like one of those
Whom purity had sainted.
Jane is a girl that's pretty;
Jane is a wench that's witty;
Yet who would think,
Her breath does stink,
As so it doth? that's pity.
668. UPON ZELOT.
Is Zelot pure? he is: yet! see he wears
The sign of circumcision in his ears.
670. UPON MADAM URSLY. EPIG.
For ropes of pearl, first Madam Ursly shows
A chain of corns picked from her ears and toes;
Then, next, to match Tradescant's curious shells,
Nails from her fingers mew'd she shows: what else?
Why then, forsooth, a carcanet is shown
Of teeth, as deaf as nuts, and all her own.
_Tradescant_, a collector of curiosities. See Note.
_Mew'd_, moulted.
_Deaf as nuts. _ _Cf. _ De Quincey, "a deaf nut offering no kernel. "
705. UPON TRIGG. EPIG.
Trigg having turn'd his suit, he struts in state,
And tells the world he's now regenerate.
706. UPON SMEATON.
How could Luke Smeaton wear a shoe, or boot,
Who two-and-thirty corns had on a foot.
714. LAXARE FIBULAM.
To loose the button is no less,
Than to cast off all bashfulness.
730. UPON FRANCK.
Franck would go scour her teeth; and setting to 't
Twice two fell out, all rotten at the root.
733. UPON PAUL. EPIG.
Paul's hands do give; what give they, bread or meat,
Or money? no, but only dew and sweat.
As stones and salt gloves use to give, even so
Paul's hands do give, nought else for ought we know.
734. UPON SIBB. EPIG.
Sibb, when she saw her face how hard it was,
For anger spat on thee, her looking-glass:
But weep not, crystal; for the same was meant
Not unto thee, but that thou didst present.
755. UPON SLOUCH.
Slouch he packs up, and goes to several fairs,
And weekly markets for to sell his wares:
Meantime that he from place to place does roam,
His wife her own ware sells as fast at home.
797. UPON BICE.
Bice laughs, when no man speaks; and doth protest.
It is his own breech there that breaks the jest.
798. UPON TRENCHERMAN.
Tom shifts the trenchers; yet he never can
Endure that lukewarm name of serving-man:
Serve or not serve, let Tom do what he can,
He is a serving, who's a trencher-man.
801. UPON COMELY, A GOOD SPEAKER BUT AN ILL SINGER. EPIG.
Comely acts well; and when he speaks his part,
He doth it with the sweetest tones of art:
But when he sings a psalm, there's none can be
More curs'd for singing out of tune than he.
802. ANY WAY FOR WEALTH.
E'en all religious courses to be rich
Hath been rehers'd by Joel Michelditch:
But now perceiving that it still does please
The sterner fates, to cross his purposes;
He tacks about, and now he doth profess
Rich he will be by all unrighteousness;
Thus if our ship fails of her anchor hold
We'll love the divel, so he lands the gold.
803. UPON AN OLD WOMAN.
Old Widow Prouse, to do her neighbours evil,
Would give, some say, her soul unto the devil.
Well, when she's kill'd that pig, goose, cock, or hen,
What would she give to get that soul again?
804. UPON PEARCH. EPIG.
Thou writes in prose how sweet all virgins be;
But there's not one, doth praise the smell of thee.
818. UPON LOACH.
Seal'd up with night-gum, Loach each morning lies,
Till his wife licking, so unglues his eyes.
No question then, but such a lick is sweet,
When a warm tongue does with such ambers meet.
824. UPON NODES.
Wherever Nodes does in the summer come,
He prays his harvest may be well brought home.
What store of corn has careful Nodes, think you,
Whose field his foot is, and whose barn his shoe?
831. UPON TAP.
Tap, better known than trusted, as we hear,
Sold his old mother's spectacles for beer:
And not unlikely; rather too than fail,
He'll sell her eyes, and nose, for beer and ale.
834. UPON PUNCHIN. EPIG.
Give me a reason why men call
Punchin a dry plant-animal.
Because as plants by water grow,
Punchin by beer and ale spreads so.
836. UPON BLINKS. EPIG.
Tom Blinks his nose is full of weals, and these
Tom calls not pimples, but pimpleides;
Sometimes, in mirth, he says each whelk's a spark,
When drunk with beer, to light him home i' th' dark.
837. UPON ADAM PEAPES. EPIG.
Peapes he does strut, and pick his teeth, as if
His jaws had tir'd on some large chine of beef.
But nothing so: the dinner Adam had,
Was cheese full ripe with tears, with bread as sad.
_Sad_, heavy: "watery cheese and ill-baked bread".
844. HANCH, A SCHOOLMASTER. EPIG.
Hanch, since he lately did inter his wife,
He weeps and sighs, as weary of his life.
Say, is't for real grief he mourns? not so;
Tears have their springs from joy, as well as woe.
845. UPON PEASON. EPIG.
Long locks of late our zealot Peason wears,
Not for to hide his high and mighty ears;
No, but because he would not have it seen
That stubble stands where once large ears have been.
880. KISSES LOATHSOME.
I abhor the slimy kiss,
Which to me most loathsome is.
Those lips please me which are placed
Close, but not too strictly laced:
Yielding I would have them; yet
Not a wimbling tongue admit:
What should poking-sticks make there,
When the ruffe is set elswhere?
881. UPON REAPE.
Reape's eyes so raw are that, it seems, the flies
Mistake the flesh, and fly-blow both his eyes;
So that an angler, for a day's expense,
May bait his hook with maggots taken thence.
882. UPON TEAGE.
Teage has told lies so long that when Teage tells
Truth, yet Teage's truths are untruths, nothing else.
884. UPON TRUGGIN.
Truggin a footman was; but now, grown lame,
Truggin now lives but to belie his name.
886. UPON SPENKE.
Spenke has a strong breath, yet short prayers saith;
Not out of want of breath, but want of faith.
888. UPON LULLS.
Lulls swears he is all heart; but you'll suppose
By his proboscis that he is all nose.
897. SURFEITS.
Bad are all surfeits; but physicians call
That surfeit took by bread the worst of all.
898. UPON NIS.
Nis he makes verses; but the lines he writes
Serve but for matter to make paper kites.
905. UPON PRICKLES. EPIG.
Prickles is waspish, and puts forth his sting
For bread, drink, butter, cheese; for everything
That Prickles buys puts Prickles out of frame;
How well his nature's fitted to his name!
945. UPON BLISSE.
Blisse, last night drunk, did kiss his mother's knee;
Where will he kiss, next drunk, conjecture ye.
946. UPON BURR.
Burr is a smell-feast, and a man alone,
That, where meat is, will be a hanger on.
947. UPON MEG.
Meg yesterday was troubled with a pose,
Which, this night harden'd, sodders up her nose.
_Pose_, rheum, cold in the head.
961. UPON RALPH.
Ralph pares his nails, his warts, his corns, and Ralph
In sev'rall tills and boxes, keeps 'em safe;
Instead of hartshorn, if he speaks the troth,
To make a lusty-jelly for his broth.
966. UPON VINEGAR.
Vinegar is no other, I define,
Than the dead corps, or carcase of the wine.
967. UPON MUDGE.
Mudge every morning to the postern comes,
His teeth all out, to rinse and wash his gums.
971. UPON LUPES.
Lupes for the outside of his suit has paid;
But for his heart, he cannot have it made;
The reason is, his credit cannot get
The inward garbage for his clothes as yet.
972. RAGS.
What are our patches, tatters, rags, and rents,
But the base dregs and lees of vestiments?
974. UPON TUBBS.
For thirty years Tubbs has been proud and poor;
'Tis now his habit, which he can't give o'er.
984. UPON SPOKES.
Spokes, when he sees a roasted pig, he swears
Nothing he loves on't but the chaps and ears:
But carve to him the fat flanks, and he shall
Rid these, and those, and part by part eat all.
988. UPON FAUNUS.
We read how Faunus, he the shepherds' god,
His wife to death whipped with a myrtle rod.
The rod, perhaps, was better'd by the name;
But had it been of birch, the death's the same.
989. THE QUINTELL.
Up with the quintell, that the rout,
May fart for joy, as well as shout:
Either's welcome, stink or civit,
If we take it, as they give it.
999. UPON PENNY.
Brown bread Tom Penny eats, and must of right,
Because his stock will not hold out for white.
1013. UPON BUGGINS.
Buggins is drunk all night, all day he sleeps;
This is the level-coil that Buggins keeps.
1027. UPON BOREMAN. EPIG.
Boreman takes toll, cheats, natters, lies; yet Boreman,
For all the devil helps, will be a poor man.
1068. UPON GORGONIUS.
Unto Pastillus rank Gorgonius came
To have a tooth twitched out of's native frame;
Drawn was his tooth, but stank so, that some say,
The barber stopped his nose, and ran away.
1079. UPON GRUBS.
Grubs loves his wife and children, while that they
Can live by love, or else grow fat by play;
But when they call or cry on Grubs for meat,
Instead of bread Grubs gives them stones to eat.
He raves, he rends, and while he thus doth tear,
His wife and children fast to death for fear.
1080. UPON DOLL.
No question but Doll's cheeks would soon roast dry,
Were they not basted by her either eye.
1081. UPON HOG.
Hog has a place i' the' kitchen, and his share,
The flimsy livers and blue gizzards are.
1087. UPON GUT.
Science puffs up, says Gut, when either pease
Make him thus swell, or windy cabbages.
1101. UPON SPUR.
Spur jingles now, and swears by no mean oaths,
He's double honour'd, since he's got gay clothes:
Most like his suit, and all commend the trim;
And thus they praise the sumpter, but not him:
As to the goddess, people did confer
Worship, and not to th' ass that carried her.
1108. UPON RUMP.
Rump is a turn-broach, yet he seldom can
Steal a swoln sop out of a dripping-pan.
1109. UPON SHOPTER.
Old Widow Shopter, whensoe'er she cries,
Lets drip a certain gravy from her eyes.
1110. UPON DEB.
If felt and heard, unseen, thou dost me please;
If seen, thou lik'st me, Deb, in none of these.
1112. UPON CROOT.
One silver spoon shines in the house of Croot;
Who cannot buy or steal a second to't.
1114. UPON FLOOD OR A THANKFUL MAN.
Flood, if he has for him and his a bit,
He says his fore and after grace for it:
If meat he wants, then grace he says to see
His hungry belly borne on legs jail-free.
Thus have, or have not, all alike is good
To this our poor yet ever patient Flood.
1115. UPON PIMP.
When Pimp's feet sweat, as they do often use,
There springs a soap-like lather in his shoes.
1116. UPON LUSK.
In Den'shire Kersey Lusk, when he was dead,
Would shrouded be and therewith buried.
When his assigns asked him the reason why,
He said, because he got his wealth thereby.
1117. FOOLISHNESS.
In's Tusc'lans, Tully doth confess,
No plague there's like to foolishness.
1118. UPON RUSH.
Rush saves his shoes in wet and snowy weather;
And fears in summer to wear out the leather;
This is strong thrift that wary Rush doth use
Summer and winter still to save his shoes.
1124. THE HAG.
The staff is now greas'd;
And very well pleas'd,
She cocks out her arse at the parting,
To an old ram goat
That rattles i' th' throat,
Half-choked with the stink of her farting.
In a dirty hair-lace
She leads on a brace
Of black boar-cats to attend her:
Who scratch at the moon,
And threaten at noon
Of night from heaven for to rend her.
A-hunting she goes,
A cracked horn she blows,
At which the hounds fall a-bounding;
While th' moon in her sphere
Peeps trembling for fear,
And night's afraid of the sounding.
_Lace_, leash.
_Boar-cat_, tom-cat.
NOTES TO APPENDIX.
64. _To him that has, etc. _ The quotation is not from the Bible, but
from Martial, v. 81:--
"Semper pauper eris, si pauper es, Aemiliane.
Dantur opes nulli nunc nisi divitibus. "
Cp. also Davison's Poet. Rhap. , i. 95. Ed. Bullen.
126. _Upon Scobble. _ Dr. Grosart quotes an Ellis Scobble [_i. e. _,
Scobell], baptised at Dean Priory in 1632, and Jeffery Scobble buried in
1654.
200. _Upon Gubbs. _ Printed in _Witts Recreations_, 1650, without
alteration. To save repetition we may give here a list of the other
Epigrams in this Appendix which are printed in _Witt's Recreations_,
reserving variations of reading for special notes:--206, _Upon Bounce_;
239, _Upon Guess_; 311, _Upon Sneap_; 357, _Long and Lazy_; 379, _Upon
Doll_; 380, _Upon Screw_; 381, _Upon Linnit_; 400, _Upon Rasp_; 410,
_Upon Skinns_; 429, _Upon Craw_; 435, _Jack and Jill_; 574, _Upon
Umber_; 639, _Upon Lungs_; 650, _Upon Cob_; 652, _Upon Skoles_; 668,
_Upon Zelot_; 705, _Upon Trigg_; 797, _Upon Bice_; 798, _Upon
Trencherman_; 834, _Upon Punchin_; 888, _Upon Lulls_; 1027, _Upon
Boreman_; 1087, _Upon Gut_; 1108, _Upon Rump_.
305. _Fearing to break the king's commandement. _ In 1608 there was
issued a proclamation containing "Orders conceived by the Lords of his
Maiestie's Privie Counsell and by his Highnesse speciall direction,
commanded to be put in execution for the restraint of killing and eating
of flesh the next Lent". This was re-issued ten years later (there is no
intermediate issue at the British Museum), and from 1619 onwards became
annual under James and Charles in the form of "A proclamation for
restraint of killing, dressing, and eating of Flesh in Lent, or on Fish
dayes, appointed by the Law, to be hereafter strictly observed by all
sorts of people".
420. _Upon Bridget_. Loss of teeth is the occasion of more than one of
Martial's epigrams.
456. _The tun of Heidelberg_: in the cellar under the castle at
Heidelberg is a great cask supposed to be able to hold 50,000 gallons.
574. _As Umber states_: "as Umber _swears_". --W. R.
639. _His breath does fly-blow_: "doth" for "does". --W.
