Would he act
unhandsomely
or no?
Erasmus
_Innk. _ O happy Beggars! My Wife has dress'd nothing to Day, but
Coleworts and a little rusty Bacon.
_Con. _ If you please, let us join our Stocks; it is all one to us what
we eat.
_Innk. _ Then why don't you carry with you Coleworts and dead Wine?
_Con. _ Because the People where we din'd to Day would needs force this
upon us.
_Innk. _ Did your Dinner cost you nothing?
_Con. _ No. Nay they thanked us, and when we came away gave us these
Things to carry along with us.
_Innk. _ From whence did you come?
_Con. _ From _Basil. _
_Innk. _ Whoo! what so far?
_Con. _ Yes.
_Innk. _ What Sort of Fellows are you that ramble about thus without
Horses, Money, Servants, Arms, or Provisions?
_Con. _ You see in us some Footsteps of the evangelical Life.
_Innk. _ It seems to me to be the Life of Vagabonds, that stroll about
with Budgets.
_Con. _ Such Vagabonds the Apostles were, and such was the Lord Jesus
himself.
_Innk. _ Can you tell Fortunes?
_Con. _ Nothing less.
_Innk. _ How do you live then?
_Con. _ By him, who hath promised.
_Innk. _ Who is he?
_Con. _ He that said, _Take no Care, but all Things shall be added unto
you_.
_Innk. _ He did so promise, but it was _to them that seek the Kingdom of
God. _
_Con. _ That we do with all our Might.
_Innk. _ The Apostles were famous for Miracles; they heal'd the Sick, so
that it is no Wonder how they liv'd every where, but you can do no such
Thing.
_Con. _ We could, if we were like the Apostles, and if the Matter
requir'd a Miracle. But Miracles were only given for a Time for the
Conviction of the Unbelieving; there is no Need of any Thing now, but a
religious Life. And it is oftentimes a greater Happiness to be sick than
to be well, and more happy to die than to live.
_Innk. _ What do you do then?
_Con. _ That we can; every Man according to the Talent that God has given
him. We comfort, we exhort, we warn, we reprove, and when Opportunity
offers, sometimes we preach, if we any where find Pastors that are dumb:
And if we find no Opportunity of doing Good, we take Care to do no Body
any Harm, either by our Manners or our Words.
_Innk. _ I wish you would preach for us to Morrow, for it is a Holy-Day.
_Con. _ For what Saint?
_Innk. _ To St. _Antony. _
_Con. _ He was indeed a good Man. But how came he to have a Holiday?
_Innk. _ I'll tell you. This Town abounds with Swine-Herds, by Reason of
a large Wood hard by that produces Plenty of Acorns; and the People have
an Opinion that St. _Antony_ takes Charge of the Hogs, and therefore
they worship him, for Fear he should grow angry, if they neglect him.
_Con. _ I wish they would worship him as they ought to do.
_Innk. _ How's that?
_Con. _ Whosoever imitates the Saints in their Lives, worships as he
ought to do.
_Innk. _ To-morrow the Town will ring again with Drinking and Dancing,
Playing, Scolding and Boxing.
_Con. _ After this Manner the Heathens once worshipped their _Bacchus_.
But I wonder, if this is their Way of worshipping, that St. _Antony_ is
not enraged at this Sort of Men that are more stupid than Hogs
themselves. What Sort of a Pastor have you? A dumb one, or a wicked one?
_Innk. _ What he is to other People, I don't know: But he's a very good
one to me, for he drinks all Day at my House, and no Body brings more
Customers or better, to my great Advantage. And I wonder he is not here
now.
_Con. _ We have found by Experience he is not a very good one for our
Turn.
_Innk. _ What! Did you go to him then?
_Con. _ We intreated him to let us lodge with him, but he chas'd us away
from the Door, as if we had been Wolves, and sent us hither.
_Innk. _ Ha, ha. Now I understand the Matter, he would not come because
he knew you were to be here.
_Con. _ Is he a dumb one?
_Innk. _ A dumb one! There's no Body is more noisy in the Stove, and he
makes the Church ring again. But I never heard him preach. But no Need
of more Words. As far as I understand, he has made you sensible that he
is none of the dumb Ones.
_Con. _ Is he a learned Divine?
_Innk. _ He says he is a very great Scholar; but what he knows is what
he has learned in private Confession, and therefore it is not lawful to
let others know what he knows. What need many Words? I'll tell you in
short; _like People, like Priest_; and _the Dish_, as we say, _wears its
own Cover_.
_Con. _ It may be he will not give a Man Liberty to preach in his Place.
_Innk. _ Yes, I'll undertake he will, but upon this Condition, that you
don't have any Flirts at him, as it is a common Practice for you to do.
_Con. _ They have us'd themselves to an ill Custom that do so. If a
Pastor offends in any Thing, I admonish him privately, the rest is the
Bishop's Business.
_Innk. _ Such Birds seldom fly hither. Indeed you seem to be good Men
yourselves. But, pray, what's the Meaning of this Variety of Habits? For
a great many People take you to be ill Men by your Dress.
_Con. _ Why so?
_Innk. _ I can't tell, except it be that they find a great many of you to
be so.
_Con. _ And many again take us to be holy Men, because we wear this
Habit. They are both in an Error: But they err less that take us to be
good Men by our Habit, than they that take us for base Men.
_Innk. _ Well, so let it be. But what is the Advantage of so many
different Dresses?
_Con. _ What is your Opinion?
_Innk. _ Why I see no Advantage at all, except in Processions, or War.
For in Processions there are carried about various Representations of
Saints, of _Jews_, and Heathens, and we know which is which, by the
different Habits. And in War the Variety of Dress is good, that every
one may know his own Company, and follow his own Colours, so that there
may be no Confusion in the Army.
_Con. _ You say very well: This is a military Garment, one of us follows
one Leader, and another another; but we all fight under one General,
Christ. But in a Garment there are three Things to be consider'd.
_Innk. _ What are they?
_Con. _ Necessity, Use, and Decency. Why do we eat?
_Innk. _ That we mayn't be starv'd with Hunger.
_Con. _ And for the very same Reason we take a Garment that we mayn't be
starv'd with Cold.
_Innk. _ I confess it.
_Con. _ This Garment of mine is better for that than yours. It covers the
Head, Neck, and Shoulders, from whence there is the most Danger. Use
requires various Sorts of Garments. A short Coat for a Horseman, a long
one for one that sits still, a thin one in Summer, a thick one in
Winter. There are some at _Rome_, that change their Cloaths three Times
a Day; in the Morning they take a Coat lin'd with Fur, about Noon they
take a single one, and towards Night one that is a little thicker; but
every one is not furnish'd with this Variety; therefore this Garment of
ours is contriv'd so, that this one will serve for various Uses.
_Innk. _ How is that?
_Con. _ If the North Wind blow, or the Sun shines hot, we put on our
Cowl; if the Heat is troublesome, we let it down behind. If we are to
sit still, we let down our Garment about our Heels, if we are to walk,
we hold or tuck it up.
_Innk. _ He was no Fool, whosoever he was, that contriv'd it.
_Con. _ And it is the chief Thing in living happily, for a Man to
accustom himself to be content with a few Things: For if once we begin
to indulge ourselves with Delicacies and Sensualities, there will be no
End; and there is no one Garment could be invented, that could answer so
many Purposes.
_Innk. _ I allow that.
_Con. _ Now let us consider the Decency of it: Pray tell me honestly, if
you should put on your Wife's Cloaths, would not every one say that you
acted indecently?
_Innk. _ They would say I was mad.
_Con. _ And what would you say, if she should put on your Cloaths?
_Innk. _ I should not say much perhaps, but I should cudgel her
handsomly.
_Con. _ But then, how does it signify nothing what Garment any one
wears?
_Innk. _ O yes, in this Case it is very material.
_Con. _ Nor is that strange; for the Laws of the very Pagans inflict a
Punishment on either Man or Woman, that shall wear the Cloaths of a
different Sex.
_Innk. _ And they are in the Right for it.
_Con. _ But, come on. What if an old Man of fourscore should dress
himself like a Boy of fifteen; or if a young Man dress himself like an
old Man, would not every one say he ought to be bang'd for it? Or if an
old Woman should attire herself like a young Girl, and the contrary?
_Innk. _ No doubt.
_Con. _ In like Manner, if a Lay-Man should wear a Priest's Habit, and a
Priest a Lay-Man's.
_Innk. _ They would both act unbecomingly.
_Con. _ What if a private Man should put on the Habit of a Prince, or an
inferior Clergy-Man that of a Bishop?
Would he act unhandsomely or no?
_Innk. _ Certainly he would.
_Con. _ What if a Citizen should dress himself like a Soldier, with a
Feather in his Cap, and other Accoutrements of a hectoring Soldier?
_Innk. _ He would be laugh'd at.
_Con. _ What if any _English_ Ensign should carry a white Cross in his
Colours, a _Swiss_ a red one, a _French_ Man a black one?
_Innk. _ He would act impudently.
_Con. _ Why then do you wonder so much at our Habit?
_Innk. _ I know the Difference between a private Man and a Prince,
between a Man and a Woman; but I don't understand the Difference between
a Monk and no Monk.
_Con. _ What Difference is there between a poor Man and a rich Man?
_Innk. _ Fortune.
_Con. _ And yet it would be unbecoming a poor Man to imitate a rich Man
in his Dress.
_Innk. _ Very true, as rich Men go now a-Days.
_Con. _ What Difference is there between a Fool and a wise Man?
_Innk. _ Something more than there is between a rich Man and a poor Man.
_Con. _ Are not Fools dress'd up in a different Manner from wise Men?
_Innk. _ I can't tell how well it becomes you, but your Habit does not
differ much from theirs, if it had but Ears and Bells.
_Con. _ These indeed are wanting, and we are the Fools of this World, if
we really are what we pretend to be.
_Innk. _ What you are I don't know; but this I know that there are a
great many Fools that wear Ears and Bells, that have more Wit than those
that wear Caps lin'd with Furs, Hoods, and other Ensigns of wise Men;
therefore it seems a ridiculous Thing to me to make a Shew of Wisdom by
the Dress rather than in Fact. I saw a certain Man, more than a Fool,
with a Gown hanging down to his Heels, a Cap like our Doctors, and had
the Countenance of a grave Divine; he disputed publickly with a Shew of
Gravity, and he was as much made on by great Men, as any of their Fools,
and was more a Fool than any of them.
_Con. _ Well, what would you infer from that? That a Prince who laughs at
his Jester should change Coats with him?
_Innk. _ Perhaps _Decorum_ would require it to be so, if your Proposition
be true, that the Mind of a Man is represented by his Habit.
_Con. _ You press this upon me indeed, but I am still of the Opinion,
that there is good Reason for giving Fools distinct Habits.
_Innk. _ What Reason?
_Con. _ That no Body might hurt them, if they say or do any Thing that's
foolish.
_Innk. _ But on the contrary, I won't say, that their Dress does rather
provoke some People to do them Hurt; insomuch, that oftentimes of Fools
they become Mad-Men. Nor do I see any Reason, why a Bull that gores a
Man, or a Dog, or a Hog that kills a Child, should be punish'd, and a
Fool who commits greater Crimes should be suffered to live under the
Protection of his Folly. But I ask you, what is the Reason that you are
distinguished from others by your Dress? For if every trifling Cause is
sufficient to require a different Habit, then a Baker should wear a
different Dress from a Fisherman, and a Shoemaker from a Taylor, an
Apothecary from a Vintner, a Coachman from a Mariner. And you, if you
are Priests, why do you wear a Habit different from other Priests? If
you are Laymen, why do you differ from us?
_Con. _ In antient Times, Monks were only the purer Sort of the Laity,
and there was then only the same Difference between a Monk and a Layman,
as between a frugal, honest Man, that maintains his Family by his
Industry, and a swaggering Highwayman that lives by robbing. Afterwards
the Bishop of _Rome_ bestow'd Honours upon us; and we ourselves gave
some Reputation to the Habit, which now is neither simply laick, or
sacerdotal; but such as it is, some Cardinals and Popes have not been
ashamed to wear it.
_Innk. _ But as to the _Decorum_ of it, whence comes that?
_Con. _ Sometimes from the Nature of Things themselves, and sometimes
from Custom and the Opinions of Men. Would not all Men think it
ridiculous for a Man to wear a Bull's Hide, with the Horns on his Head,
and the Tail trailing after him on the Ground?
_Innk. _ That would be ridiculous enough.
_Con. _ Again, if any one should wear a Garment that should hide his
Face, and his Hands, and shew his privy Members?
_Innk. _ That would be more ridiculous than the other.
_Con. _ The very Pagan Writers have taken Notice of them that have wore
Cloaths so thin, that it were indecent even for Women themselves to wear
such. It is more modest to be naked, as we found you in the Stove, than
to wear a transparent Garment.
_Innk. _ I fancy that the whole of this Matter of Apparel depends upon
Custom and the Opinion of People.
_Con. _ Why so?
_Innk. _ It is not many Days ago, since some Travellers lodg'd at my
House, who said, that they had travelled through divers Countries lately
discovered, which are wanting in the antient Maps. They said they came
to an Island of a very temperate Air, where they look'd upon it as the
greatest Indecency in the World, to cover their Bodies.
_Con. _ It may be they liv'd like Beasts.
_Innk. _ Nay, they said they liv'd a Life of great Humanity, they liv'd
under a King, they attended him to Work every Morning daily, but not
above an Hour in a Day.
_Con. _ What Work did they do?
_Innk. _ They pluck'd up a certain Sort of Roots that serves them instead
of Bread, and is more pleasant and more wholsome than Bread; and when
this was done, they every one went to his Business, what he had a Mind
to do. They bring up their Children religiously, they avoid and punish
Vices, but none more severely than Adultery.
_Con. _ What's the Punishment?
_Innk. _ They forgive the Women, for it is permitted to that Sex. But for
Men that are taken in Adultery, this is the Punishment, that all his
Life after, he should appear in publick with his privy Parts covered.
_Con. _ A mighty Punishment indeed!
_Innk. _ Custom has made it to them the very greatest Punishment that is.
_Con. _ When I consider the Force of Persuasion, I am almost ready to
allow it. For if a Man would expose a Thief or a Murderer to the
greatest Ignominy, would it not be a sufficient Punishment to cut off a
Piece of the hinder Part of his Cloaths, and sow a Piece of a Wolf's
Skin upon his Buttocks, to make him wear a party-colour'd Pair of
Stockings, and to cut the fore Part of his Doublet in the Fashion of a
Net, leaving his Shoulders and his Breast bare; to shave off one Side of
his Beard, and leave the other hanging down, and curl one Part of it,
and to put him a Cap on his Head, cut and slash'd, with a huge Plume of
Feathers, and so expose him publickly; would not this make him more
ridiculous than to put him on a Fool's Cap with long Ears and Bells? And
yet Soldiers dress themselves every Day in this Trim, and are well
enough pleased with themselves, and find Fools enough, that like the
Dress too, though there is nothing more ridiculous.
_Innk. _ Nay, there are topping Citizens too, who imitate them as much as
they can possibly.
_Con. _ But now if a Man should dress himself up with Birds Feathers like
an _Indian_, would not the very Boys, all of them, think he was a mad
Man?
_Innk. _ Stark mad.
_Con. _ And yet, that which we admire, savours of a greater Madness
still: Now as it is true, that nothing is so ridiculous but Custom will
bear it out; so it cannot be denied, but that there is a certain
_Decorum_ in Garments, which all wise Men always account a _Decorum_;
and that there is also an Unbecomingness in Garments, which will to wise
Men always seem unbecoming. Who does not laugh, when he sees a Woman
dragging a long Train at her Heels, as if her Quality were to be
measured by the Length of her Tail? And yet some Cardinals are not
asham'd to follow this Fashion in their Gowns: And so prevalent a Thing
is Custom, that there is no altering of a Fashion that has once
obtain'd.
_Innk. _ Well, we have had Talk enough about Custom: But tell me now,
whether you think it better for Monks to differ from others in Habit, or
not to differ?
_Con. _ I think it to be more agreeable to Christian Simplicity, not to
judge of any Man by his Habit, if it be but sober and decent.
_Innk. _ Why don't you cast away your Cowls then?
_Con. _ Why did not the Apostles presently eat of all Sorts of Meat?
_Innk. _ I can't tell. Do you tell me that.
_Con. _ Because an invincible Custom hinder'd it: For whatsoever is
deeply rooted in the Minds of Men, and has been confirm'd by long Use,
and is turn'd as it were into Nature, can never be remov'd on a sudden,
without endangering the publick Peace; but must be remov'd by Degrees,
as a Horse's Tail is pluck'd off by single Hairs.
_Innk. _ I could bear well enough with it, if the Monks had all but one
Habit: But who can bear so many different Habits?
_Con. _ Custom has brought in this Evil, which brings in every Thing.
_Benedict_ did not invent a new Habit, but the same that he wore himself
and his Disciples, which was the Habit of a plain, honest Layman:
Neither did _Francis_ invent a new Dress; but it was the Dress of poor
Country-Fellows. Their Successors have by new Additions turned it into
Superstition. Don't we see some old Women at this Day, that keep to the
Dress of their Times, which is more different from the Dress now in
Fashion, than my Dress is from yours?
_Innk. _ We do see it.
_Con. _ Therefore, when you see this Habit, you see only the Reliques of
antient Times.
_Innk. _ Why then, has your Garment no Holiness in it?
_Con. _ None at all.
_Innk. _ There are some of you that make their Boasts that these Dresses
were divinely directed by the holy Virgin Mother.
_Con. _ These Stories are but meer Dreams.
_Innk. _ Some despair of being able to recover from a Fit of Sickness,
unless they be wrapp'd up in a Dominican's Habit: Nay, nor won't be
buried but in a Franciscan's Habit.
_Con. _ They that persuade People of those Things, are either Cheats or
Fools, and they that believe them are superstitious. God will know a
wicked Man as well in a Franciscan's Habit, as in a Soldier's Coat.
_Innk. _ There is not so much Variety in the Feathers of Birds of the
Air, as there is in your Habits.
_Con. _ What then, is it not a very good Thing to imitate Nature? But it
is a better Thing to out-do it.
_Innk. _ I wish you would out-do it in the Variety of your Beaks too.
_Con. _ But, come on. I will be an Advocate for Variety, if you will give
me Leave. Is not a _Spaniard_ dressed after one Fashion, an _Italian_
after another, a _Frenchman_ after another, a _German_ after another, a
_Greek_ after another, a _Turk_ after another, and a _Sarazen_ after
another?
_Innk. _ Yes.
_Con. _ And then in the same Country, what Variety of Garments is there
in Persons of the same Sex, Age and Degree. How different is the Dress
of the _Venetian_ from the _Florentine_, and of both from the _Roman_,
and this only within _Italy_ alone?
_Innk. _ I believe it.
_Con. _ And from hence also came our Variety. _Dominic_ he took his Dress
from the honest Ploughmen in that Part of _Spain_ in which he liv'd; and
_Benedict_ from the Country-Fellows of that Part of _Italy_ in which he
liv'd; and _Francis_ from the Husbandmen of a different Place, and so
for the rest.
_Innk. _ So that for aught I find, you are no holier than we, unless you
live holier.
_Con. _ Nay, we are worse than you, in that; if we live wickedly, we are
a greater Stumbling to the Simple.
_Innk. _ Is there any Hope of us then, who have neither Patron, nor
Habit, nor Rule, nor Profession?
_Con. _ Yes, good Man; see that you hold it fast. Ask your Godfathers
what you promis'd in Baptism, what Profession you then made. Do you want
a human Rule, who have made a Profession of the Gospel Rule? Or do you
want a Man for a Patron, who have Jesus Christ for a Patron? Consider
what you owe to your Wife, to your Children, to your Family, and you
will find you have a greater Load upon you, than if you had professed
the Rule of _Francis_.
_Innk. _ Do you believe that any Inn-Keepers go to Heaven?
_Con. _ Why not?
_Innk. _ There are a great many Things said and done in this House, that
are not according to the Gospel.
_Con. _ What are they?
_Innk. _ One fuddles, another talks bawdy, another brawls, and another
slanders; and last of all, I can't tell whether they keep themselves
honest or not.
_Con. _ You must prevent these Things as much as you can; and if you
cannot hinder them, however, do not for Profit's Sake encourage or draw
on these Wickednesses.
_Innk. _ Sometimes I don't deal very honestly as to my Wine.
_Con. _ Wherein?
_Innk. _ When I find my Guests grow a little too hot, I put more Water
into the Wine.
_Con. _ That's a smaller Fault than selling of Wine made up with
unwholsome Ingredients.
_Innk.
