No More Learning

Then you must know that I have a devilish rich uncle in
the East Indies, Sir Oliver Surface, from whom I have the greatest
expectations?

SIR OLIVER. That you have a wealthy uncle, I have heard; but how your
expectations will turn out is more, I believe, than you can tell.

CHARLES. Oh, no! --there can be no doubt. They tell me I'm a prodigious
favourite, and that he talks of leaving me everything.

SIR OLIVER. Indeed! this is the first I've heard of it.

CHARLES. Yes, yes, 'tis just so. Moses knows 'tis true; don't you,
Moses?

MOSES. Oh, yes! I'll swear to't.

SIR OLIVER. Egad, they'll persuade me presently I'm at Bengal. [Aside. ]

CHARLES. Now I propose, Mr. Premium, if it's agreeable to you, a
post-obit on Sir Oliver's life: though at the same time the old fellow
has been so liberal to me, that I give you my word, I should be very
sorry to hear that anything had happened to him.

SIR OLIVER. Not more than I should, I assure you. But the bond you
mention happens to be just the worst security you could offer me--for I
might live to a hundred and never see the principal.

CHARLES. Oh, yes, you would! the moment Sir Oliver dies, you know, you
would come on me for the money.

SIR OLIVER. Then I believe I should be the most unwelcome dun you ever
had in your life.

CHARLES. What! I suppose you're afraid that Sir Oliver is too good a
life?

SIR OLIVER. No, indeed I am not; though I have heard he is as hale and
healthy as any man of his years in Christendom.

CHARLES. There again, now, you are misinformed. No, no, the climate has
hurt him considerably, poor uncle Oliver. Yes, yes, he breaks apace, I'm
told--and is so much altered lately that his nearest relations would not
know him.

SIR OLIVER. No! Ha! ha! ha! so much altered lately that his nearest
relations would not know him! Ha! ha! ha! egad--ha! ha! ha!

CHARLES. Ha! ha! --you're glad to hear that, little Premium?

SIR OLIVER. No, no, I'm not.

CHARLES. Yes, yes, you are--ha! ha! ha! --you know that mends your
chance.

SIR OLIVER. But I'm told Sir Oliver is coming over; nay, some say he is
actually arrived.

CHARLES. Psha! sure I must know better than you whether he's come or
not. No, no, rely on't he's at this moment at Calcutta. Isn't he, Moses?

MOSES. Oh, yes, certainly.

SIR OLIVER. Very true, as you say, you must know better than I, though I
have it from pretty good authority. Haven't I, Moses?

MOSES. Yes, most undoubted!

SIR OLIVER. But, Sir, as I understand you want a few hundreds
immediately, is there nothing you could dispose of?

CHARLES. How do you mean?

SIR OLIVER. For instance, now, I have heard that your father left behind
him a great quantity of massy old plate.

CHARLES. O Lud! that's gone long ago. Moses can tell you how better than
I can.

SIR OLIVER. [Aside. ] Good lack! all the family race-cups and
corporation-bowls! --[Aloud. ] Then it was also supposed that his library
was one of the most valuable and compact.

CHARLES. Yes, yes, so it was--vastly too much so for a private
gentleman. For my part, I was always of a communicative disposition, so
I thought it a shame to keep so much knowledge to myself.

SIR OLIVER. [Aside. ] Mercy upon me! learning that had run in the family
like an heir-loom! --[Aloud. ] Pray, what has become of the books?

CHARLES. You must inquire of the auctioneer, Master Premium, for I don't
believe even Moses can direct you.

MOSES. I know nothing of books.

SIR OLIVER. So, so, nothing of the family property left, I suppose?

CHARLES. Not much, indeed; unless you have a mind to the family
pictures. I have got a room full of ancestors above: and if you have a
taste for old paintings, egad, you shall have 'em a bargain!

SIR OLIVER. Hey! what the devil! sure, you wouldn't sell your
forefathers, would you?

CHARLES. Every man of them, to the best bidder.

SIR OLIVER. What! your great-uncles and aunts?

CHARLES. Ay, and my great-grandfathers and grandmothers too.

SIR OLIVER. [Aside. ] Now I give him up! --[Aloud. ] What the plague,
have you no bowels for your own kindred? Odd's life! do you take me for
Shylock in the play, that you would raise money of me on your own flesh
and blood?

CHARLES. Nay, my little broker, don't be angry: what need you care, if
you have your money's worth?

SIR OLIVER. Well, I'll be the purchaser: I think I can dispose of the
family canvas. --[Aside. ] Oh, I'll never forgive him this! never!

Re-enter CARELESS

CARELESS. Come, Charles, what keeps you?

CHARLES. I can't come yet. I'faith, we are going to have a sale above
stairs; here's little Premium will buy all my ancestors!

CARELESS. Oh, burn your ancestors!

CHARLES. No, he may do that afterwards, if he pleases. Stay, Careless,
we want you: egad, you shall be auctioneer--so come along with us.

CARELESS. Oh, have with you, if that's the case. I can handle a hammer
as well as a dice box! Going! going!

SIR OLIVER. Oh, the profligates! [Aside. ]

CHARLES. Come, Moses, you shall be appraiser, if we want one. Gad's
life, little Premium, you don't seem to like the business?

SIR OLIVER. Oh, yes, I do, vastly! Ha! ha! ha! yes, yes, I think it a
rare joke to sell one's family by auction--ha! ha! --[Aside. ] Oh, the
prodigal!

CHARLES. To be sure! when a man wants money, where the plague should he
get assistance, if he can't make free with his own relations?

[Exeunt. ]

SIR OLIVER. I'll never forgive him; never! never!

END OF THE THIRD ACT




ACT IV




SCENE I. --A Picture Room in CHARLES SURFACE'S House

Enter CHARLES, SIR OLIVER, MOSES, and CARELESS

CHARLES. Walk in, gentlemen, pray walk in;--here they are, the family of
the Surfaces, up to the Conquest.

SIR OLIVER. And, in my opinion, a goodly collection.

CHARLES. Ay, ay, these are done in the true spirit of portrait-painting;
no volontiere grace or expression. Not like the works of your modern
Raphaels, who give you the strongest resemblance, yet contrive to make
your portrait independent of you; so that you may sink the original
and not hurt the picture. No, no; the merit of these is the inveterate
likeness--all stiff and awkward as the originals, and like nothing in
human nature besides.

SIR OLIVER. Ah! we shall never see such figures of men again.

CHARLES. I hope not. Well, you see, Master Premium, what a domestic
character I am; here I sit of an evening surrounded by my family. But
come, get to your pulpit, Mr. Auctioneer; here's an old gouty chair of
my grandfather's will answer the purpose.

CARELESS. Ay, ay, this will do. But, Charles, I haven't a hammer; and
what's an auctioneer without his hammer?

CHARLES. Egad, that's true. What parchment have we here? Oh, our
genealogy in full. [Taking pedigree down. ] Here, Careless, you shall
have no common bit of mahogany, here's the family tree for you,
you rogue! This shall be your hammer, and now you may knock down my
ancestors with their own pedigree.

SIR OLIVER.
What an unnatural rogue! --an ex post facto parricide!
[Aside. ]

CARELESS. Yes, yes, here's a list of your generation indeed;--faith,
Charles, this is the most convenient thing you could have found for the
business, for 'twill not only serve as a hammer, but a catalogue into
the bargain. Come, begin--A-going, a-going, a-going!

CHARLES. Bravo, Careless! Well, here's my great uncle, Sir Richard
Ravelin, a marvellous good general in his day, I assure you. He served
in all the Duke of Marlborough's wars, and got that cut over his eye
at the battle of Malplaquet. What say you, Mr. Premium? look at
him--there's a hero! not cut out of his feathers, as your modern clipped
captains are, but enveloped in wig and regimentals, as a general should
be. What do you bid?

SIR OLIVER. [Aside to Moses. ] Bid him speak.

MOSES. Mr. Premium would have you speak.

CHARLES. Why, then, he shall have him for ten pounds, and I'm sure
that's not dear for a staff-officer.

SIR OLIVER. [Aside. ] Heaven deliver me! his famous uncle Richard for ten
pounds! --[Aloud. ] Very well, sir, I take him at that.

CHARLES. Careless, knock down my uncle Richard. --Here, now, is a maiden
sister of his, my great-aunt Deborah, done by Kneller, in his best
manner, and esteemed a very formidable likeness. There she is, you see,
a shepherdess feeding her flock. You shall have her for five pounds
ten--the sheep are worth the money.

SIR OLIVER. [Aside. ] Ah! poor Deborah! a woman who set such a value on
herself! --[Aloud. ] Five pounds ten--she's mine.

CHARLES. Knock down my aunt Deborah! Here, now, are two that were a sort
of cousins of theirs. --You see, Moses, these pictures were done some
time ago, when beaux wore wigs, and the ladies their own hair.

SIR OLIVER. Yes, truly, head-dresses appear to have been a little lower
in those days.

CHARLES. Well, take that couple for the same.

MOSES. 'Tis a good bargain.

CHARLES. Careless! --This, now, is a grandfather of my mother's, a
learned judge, well known on the western circuit,--What do you rate him
at, Moses?

MOSES. Four guineas.

CHARLES. Four guineas! Gad's life, you don't bid me the price of his
wig. --Mr. Premium, you have more respect for the woolsack; do let us
knock his lordship down at fifteen.

SIR OLIVER. By all means.

CARELESS. Gone!

CHARLES. And there are two brothers of his, William and Walter Blunt,
Esquires, both members of Parliament, and noted speakers; and, what's
very extraordinary, I believe, this is the first time they were ever
bought or sold.

SIR OLIVER. That is very extraordinary, indeed! I'll take them at your
own price, for the honour of Parliament.

CARELESS. Well said, little Premium! I'll knock them down at forty.

CHARLES. Here's a jolly fellow--I don't know what relation, but he was
mayor of Norwich: take him at eight pounds.

SIR OLIVER. No, no; six will do for the mayor.

CHARLES. Come, make it guineas, and I'll throw you the two aldermen here
into the bargain.

SIR OLIVER. They're mine.

CHARLES. Careless, knock down the mayor and aldermen. But, plague on't!
we shall be all day retailing in this manner; do let us deal wholesale:
what say you, little Premium? Give me three hundred pounds for the rest
of the family in the lump.

CARELESS. Ay, ay, that will be the best way.

SIR OLIVER. Well, well, anything to accommodate you; they are mine. But
there is one portrait which you have always passed over.

CARELESS. What, that ill-looking little fellow over the settee?

SIR OLIVER. Yes, sir, I mean that; though I don't think him so
ill-looking a little fellow, by any means.

CHARLES. What, that? Oh; that's my uncle Oliver! 'Twas done before he
went to India.

CARELESS. Your uncle Oliver! Gad, then you'll never be friends,
Charles. That, now, to me, is as stern a looking rogue as ever I saw; an
unforgiving eye, and a damned disinheriting countenance! an inveterate
knave, depend on't. Don't you think so, little Premium?

SIR OLIVER. Upon my soul, Sir, I do not; I think it is as honest a
looking face as any in the room, dead or alive. But I suppose uncle
Oliver goes with the rest of the lumber?

CHARLES. No, hang it! I'll not part with poor Noll. The old fellow has
been very good to me, and, egad, I'll keep his picture while I've a room
to put it in.

SIR OLIVER. [Aside. ] The rogue's my nephew after all! --[Aloud. ] But,
sir, I have somehow taken a fancy to that picture.

CHARLES. I'm sorry for't, for you certainly will not have it. Oons,
haven't you got enough of them?

SIR OLIVER. [Aside. ] I forgive him everything! --[Aloud. ] But, Sir, when
I take a whim in my head, I don't value money. I'll give you as much for
that as for all the rest.

CHARLES. Don't tease me, master broker; I tell you I'll not part with
it, and there's an end of it.

SIR OLIVER. [Aside. ] How like his father the dog is. --[Aloud. ] Well,
well, I have done. --[Aside. ] I did not perceive it before, but I think
I never saw such a striking resemblance. --[Aloud. ] Here is a draught for
your sum.

CHARLES. Why, 'tis for eight hundred pounds!

SIR OLIVER. You will not let Sir Oliver go?

CHARLES. Zounds! no! I tell you, once more.

SIR OLIVER. Then never mind the difference, we'll balance that another
time. But give me your hand on the bargain; you are an honest fellow,
Charles--I beg pardon, sir, for being so free. --Come, Moses.

CHARLES. Egad, this is a whimsical old fellow! --But hark'ee, Premium,
you'll prepare lodgings for these gentlemen.

SIR OLIVER. Yes, yes, I'll send for them in a day or two.

CHARLES. But, hold; do now send a genteel conveyance for them, for, I
assure you, they were most of them used to ride in their own carriages.

SIR OLIVER. I will, I will--for all but Oliver.

CHARLES. Ay, all but the little nabob.

SIR OLIVER. You're fixed on that?

CHARLES. Peremptorily.

SIR OLIVER. [Aside. ] A dear extravagant rogue! --[Aloud. ] Good day! Come,
Moses. --[Aside. ] Let me hear now who dares call him profligate!

[Exit with MOSES. ]

CARELESS. Why, this is the oddest genius of the sort I ever met with!

CHARLES. Egad, he's the prince of brokers, I think. I wonder how
the devil Moses got acquainted with so honest a fellow. --Ha! here's
Rowley. --Do, Careless, say I'll join the company in a few moments.

CARELESS. I will--but don't let that old blockhead persuade you to
squander any of that money on old musty debts, or any such nonsense; for
tradesmen, Charles, are the most exorbitant fellows.

CHARLES. Very true, and paying them is only encouraging them.

CARELESS. Nothing else.

CHARLES. Ay, ay, never fear. --

[Exit CARELESS. ]
So! this was an odd old fellow, indeed. Let me see, two-thirds of these
five hundred and thirty odd pounds are mine by right. Fore Heaven!
I find one's ancestors are more valuable relations than I took them
for! --Ladies and gentlemen, your most obedient and very grateful
servant. [Bows ceremoniously to the pictures. ]

Enter ROWLEY

Ha! old Rowley! egad, you are just come in time to take leave of your
old acquaintance.

ROWLEY.