No More Learning

There are some things, trifling indeed, and yet such as no husband can
tolerate. For what can be more sickening than the fact that no one
woman considers herself beautiful, unless instead of Tuscan she has
become a little Greek--metamorphosed from a maid of Sulmo to a "maid of
Athens. " Every thing is in Greek. (While surely it is more disgraceful
for our countrywomen not to know their mother tongue. ) In this language
they give vent to their fears, their anger, their joys and cares,
and all the inmost workings of their soul. Nay more, they kiss à la
Grecque! This in young girls you may excuse. But must thou, forsooth,
speak Greek, that hast had the wear and tear of six and eighty years?
In an old woman this language becomes immodest, when interspersed with
the wanton Ζωὴ καὶ ψυχή. You are employing in public, expressions one
might think you had just used under the counterpane. For whose passion
would not be excited by these enticing and wanton words? It has all
the force of actual touching. Yet though you pronounce them all in
more insinuating tones than even Hæmus or Carpophorus, your face, the
tell-tale of your years, makes all the feathers droop.

If you are _not_ likely to love her that is contracted and united to
you in lawful wedlock, there seems no single reason why you should
marry, nor why you should waste the wedding dinner and bride cakes[247]
which you must dispense, when their complimentary attendance is over,
to your bridal guests already well crammed; nor the present given for
the first nuptial night, when, in the well-stored dish, Dacicus[248]
and Germanicus glitters with its golden legend. If you are possessed
of such simplicity of character as to be enamored of your wife, and
your whole soul is devoted to her alone, then bow your head with
neck prepared to bear the yoke. You will find none that will spare a
man that loves her. Though she be enamored herself, she delights in
tormenting and fleecing her lover. Consequently a wife is far more
disastrous to him that is likely to prove a kind and eligible husband.
You will never be allowed to make a present without your wife's
consent. If she opposes it, you must not sell a single thing, or buy
one, against her will. She will give away your affections. That good
old friend of many long years will be shut out from that gate that saw
his first sprouting beard. [249] While pimps and trainers have free
liberty to make their own wills, and even gladiators enjoy the same
amount of privilege, you will have your will dictated to you, and find
more than one rival named as your heirs.

"Crucify that slave. " "What is the charge, to call for such a
punishment? What witness can you produce? Who gave the information?
Listen! Where man's life is at stake no deliberation can be too long. "
"Idiot! so a slave is a man then! Granted he has done nothing. I _will_
it, I _insist_ on it! Let my will stand instead of reason! "

Therefore she lords it over her husband:--but soon she quits these
realms, and seeks new empires and wears out her bridal veil. Then she
flies back, and seeks again the traces of the bed she scorned. [250] She
leaves the doors so recently adorned, the tapestry still hanging on the
house, and the branches still green upon the threshold. Thus the number
grows: thus she has her eight[251] husbands in five years. A notable
fact to record upon her tomb!

All chance of domestic happiness is hopeless while your wife's mother
is alive. She bids her exult in despoiling her husband to the utmost.
She teaches her how to write back nothing savoring of discourtesy or
inexperience to the missives of the seducer. She either balks or bribes
your spies; then, though your daughter is in rude health, calls in
Archigenes, and tosses off the bedclothes as too oppressive. Meanwhile
the adulterer, concealed apart, stands trembling with impatient
expectation. Do you expect, forsooth, that the mother will inculcate
virtuous principles, or other than she cherishes herself? It is right
profitable too for a depraved old hag to train her daughter to the same
depravity.

There is scarcely a single cause in which a woman is not engaged
in some way in fomenting the suit. If Manilia is not defendant,
she will be plaintiff. They draw up and frame bills of indictment
unassisted,[252] quite prepared to dictate even to Celsus[253] the
exordium and topics he should use.

The Tyrian Endromides[254] and the Ceroma for women who is ignorant
of? Or who has not seen the wounds of the Plastron,[255] which she
dints with unwearied foil, and attacks with her shield, and goes with
precision through her exercise? A matron most pre-eminently worthy
of the trumpet of the Floralia. Unless indeed in that breast of hers
she is plotting something deeper, and training in real earnest for
the amphitheatre. [256] What modesty can a woman show that wears a
helmet, and eschews her sex, and delights in feats of strength? And
yet, in spite of all, this virago would not wish to become a man. For
how small is our pleasure compared to theirs! Yet what a goodly array
would there be, if there were an auction of your wife's goods: belt
and gauntlets[257] and crest, and the half-armor for the left leg! Or
if she shall engage in a different way of fighting,[258] you will be
lucky indeed when your young wife sells her greaves. Yet these very
same women perspire even in their muslin; whose delicate frames even
a slip of sarcenet oppresses. See! with what a noise she makes the
home-thrusts taught her by the trainer, and what a weight of helmet
bows her down, how firmly she plants herself on her haunches, in what
a thick mass is the roll of clothes. Then smile when, laying aside
her arms, she takes her oblong vessel. Tell me, ye granddaughters of
Lepidus or blind Metellus, or Fabius Gurges, what actress ever wore a
dress like this? When would Asylus' wife cry Hah! at the Plastron?

The bed in which a wife lies is the constant scene of quarrels and
mutual recriminations. There is little chance of sleep there. Then
is she indeed bitter toward her husband, fiercer than tigress robbed
of her whelps; when, conscious of her secret guilt, she counterfeits
groans, or hates the servants, or upbraids you with some rival of her
own creation, with tears ever fruitful, ever ready at their post, and
only waiting her command in what way to flow. You believe it genuine
love. You, poor hedge-sparrow, plume yourself, and kiss off the tears!
Ah! what amorous lays, what letters would you read, if you were but to
examine the writing-case of that adulteress that counterfeits jealousy
so well!

But suppose her actually caught in the arms of a slave or knight. "Pray
suggest in this case some colorable excuse, Quintilian! " "We are at
fault! Let the lady herself speak! " "It was formerly agreed," she says,
"that you should do what you pleased, and that I also might have full
power to gratify myself. In spite of your outcry and confounding heaven
and sea, I am mortal. " Nothing is more audacious than these women when
detected. They affect resentment, and borrow courage from their very
guilt itself.

Yet should you ask whence are these unnatural prodigies, or from what
source they spring; it was their humble fortune that made the Latin
women chaste in days of yore, nor did hard toil and short nights' rest,
and hands galled and hardened[259] with the Tuscan fleece, and Hannibal
close to the city, and their husbands mounting guard at the Colline
tower, suffer their lowly roofs to be contaminated by vice. Now we are
suffering all the evils of long-continued peace. Luxury, more ruthless
than war, broods over Rome, and exacts vengeance for a conquered
world. No guilt or deed of lust is wanting, since Roman poverty has
disappeared. This was the source whence Sybaris flowed to these seven
hills, and Rhodes too, and Miletus, and Tarentum crowned with garlands,
insolent and flushed with wine!

Money, the nurse of debauchery, was the first that introduced foreign
manners, and enervating riches sapped the sinews of the age with foul
luxury. For what cares Venus in her cups? All difference of head
or tail is alike to her who at very midnight devours huge oysters,
when unguents mixed with neat Falernian foam, when she drains the
conch,[260] when from her dizziness the roof seems to reel, and the
table to rise up with the lights doubled in number. [261] Go then, and
knowing all this, doubt, if you can, with what a snort of scorn Tullia
snuffs up the air when she passes the ancient altar of Chastity; or
what Collatia says to her accomplice Maura. Here they set down their
litters at night, and bedew the very image of the goddess with copious
irrigations, while the chaste moon witnesses their abominations,[262]
over which, when morn returns, you pass on your way to visit your great
friends.

The secrets of Bona Dea are well known. When the pipe excites them, and
inflamed alike with the horn and wine, these Mænads of Priapus rush
wildly round, and whirl their locks and howl! Then, as their passions
rise, how burning is their lust, how frantic their words, when all
power of restraining their desires is lost! A prize is proposed, and
Saufeia[263] challenges the vilest of her sex, and bears off the prize.
In these games nothing is counterfeit, all is acted to the life; so
that even the aged Priam, effete from years, or Nestor himself, might
be inflamed at the sight. Then their lust admits of no delay. Then the
woman appears in all her native depravity; and by all alike is the
shout re-echoed from the whole den--"Now is the proper time. Let in
the men! " But the adulterer still sleeps; so she bids the youth put on
a female hood, and speed to the spot. If none can be found, they have
recourse to slaves. If there is no hope of slaves, they will hire some
water-carrier to come. If this fails too, and no men can be found, she
would not hesitate to descend still lower in the scale of creation.
Oh, would that our ancient rites and public worship could at least be
celebrated, uncontaminated by such pollutions as these! But even the
Moors and Indians know what singing wench produced his wares equal
in bulk to Cæsar's two Anticatos, in a place whence even a mouse,
conscious of his sex, would flee, and every picture is veiled over that
represents the other sex. Yet, even in those days, what man despised
the deity? or who had dared to ridicule Numa's earthen bowl and black
dish, and the brittle vessels from Mount Vatican. But now what altars
are there that a Clodius does not assail?

I hear the advice that my good friends of ancient days would give--"Put
on a lock! keep her in confinement! " But who is to guard the guards
themselves? Your wife is as cunning as you, and begins with them. And,
in our days, the highest and the lowest are fired with the same lust.
Nor is she that wears out the black pavement with her feet, better than
she who is borne on the shoulders of her tall Syrian slaves.

Ogulnia, in order that she may go in due state to the games, hires a
dress, and attendants, and a sedan, and pillow, and female friends;
and a nurse, and yellow-haired girl[264] to whom she may issue her
commands. Yet all that remains of her family plate, and even the very
last remnants of it,[265] she gives to well-oiled Athletes. Many women
are in straitened circumstances at home; yet none of them has the
modest selfrestraint that should accompany poverty, or limits herself
within that measure which her poverty has allotted and assigned to her.
Yet _men_ do sometimes look forward to what may be to their interest
hereafter, and, with the ant for their instructress, some have at last
felt a dread of cold and hunger. Yet woman, in her prodigality,
perceives not that her fortune is fast coming to naught; and as though
money, with vegetative power, would bloom afresh[266] from the drained
chest, and the heap from which she takes would be ever full, she never
reflects how great a sum her pleasures cost her. Some women ever take
delight in unwarlike eunuchs, and soft kisses, and the loss of all hope
of beard, that precludes the necessity of abortives. Yet the summit
of their pleasure is when this operation has been performed in the
heat and prime of manhood, and the only loss sustained is that the
surgeon Heliodorus cheats the barber of his fees. Such is his mistress'
will: and, conspicuous from afar, and attracting the eyes of all, he
enters the baths, and vies even with the god that guards our vines and
gardens. Let him sleep with his mistress! But, Postumus, suffer not the
youthful Bromius to enter the lists with him.

If she takes delight in singing, the fibula of none of these fellows
that sells his voice to the prætor holds out: the instruments are
forever in her hands; the whole lyre sparkles with the jewels thickly
set. She runs over the strings with the vibrating quill,[267] with
which the soft Hedymeles performed: this she holds in her hands;
with this she consoles herself, and lavishes kisses on the plectrum,
dear for its owner's sake. One of the clan of the Lamiæ,[268] a lady
of lofty rank, inquired with meal-cake and wine of Janus and Vesta,
whether Pollio might venture to hope for the oaken crown at the
Capitoline games,[269] and promise it to his lyre. What more could
she do were her husband sick? What, if the physicians had despaired
of her infant son? She stood before the altar, and thought no shame
to veil her head for a harper: and went through in due form the words
prescribed,[270] and grew pale as the lamb was opened. Tell me now, I
pray, tell me, thou ancientest of gods, father Janus! dost thou return
answer to these? Great must be indeed the leisure[271] of heaven! There
can be no business there, as far as I see, stirring among you. One
woman consults you about comic actors; another would fain commend a
tragedian to your notice: the soothsayer will become varicose. [272]

But let her rather be musical than fly through the whole city, with
bold bearing; and encounter the assemblies of men, and in her husband's
presence herself converse with generals in their scarlet cloaks,[273]
with unabashed face and breasts exposed. She too knows all that is
going on in the whole world--what the Seres[274] or Thracians are
engaged in--the secrets of the step-mother and her son--what adulterer
is in love, or is in great request. She will tell you who made the
widow pregnant--in what month it was--in what language and manner
each act of love takes place. She is the first[275] to see the comet
that menaces the Armenian and Parthian king; and she intercepts[276]
at the gates the reports and freshest news. Some she invents as well.
That Niphates[277] has overwhelmed whole nations, and that the whole
country is there laid under water by a great deluge; that cities are
tottering, the earth sinking down--this she tells in every place of
resort to every one she meets.

And yet that vice is not more intolerable, than that, though earnestly
entreated,[278] she will seize upon her poor neighbors, and have them
cut in two with lashes. For if her sound slumbers are disturbed by
the barking of a dog, "Bring the clubs[279] here at once! " she cries:
and orders the owner first to be beaten with them, and then the dog.
Terrible to encounter, most awful in visage, she enters the baths by
night--by night she orders her bathing vessels and camp to be set in
motion. She delights in perspiring with great tumult; when her arms
have sunk down wearied with the heavy dumb-bells; and the sly anointer
has omitted to rub down no part of her body. Her poor wretches of
guests meanwhile are overcome with drowsiness and hunger. At last the
lady comes; flushed, and thirsty enough for a whole flagon,[280] which
is placed at her feet and filled from a huge pitcher: of which a second
pint is drained before she tastes food, to make her appetite[281]
quite ravenous. Then having rinsed out her stomach, the wine returns
in a cascade on the floor--rivers gush over the marble pavement,[282]
or the broad vessel reeks of Falernian--for thus, just as when a long
snake has glided into a deep cask, she drinks and vomits. Therefore her
husband turns sick; and with eyes closed smothers his rising bile.

And yet that woman is more offensive still, who, as soon as she has
taken her place at table, praises Virgil, and excuses the suicide
of Dido: matches and compares poets together: in one scale weighs
Maro in the balance, and Homer in the other. The grammarians yield;
rhetoricians are confuted; the whole company is silenced; neither
lawyer nor crier[283] can put in a word, nor even another woman. Such
a torrent of words pours forth, you would say so many basins or bells
were all being struck at once. Henceforth let no one trouble trumpets
or brazen vessels; she will be able singly to relieve the moon when
suffering[284] an eclipse. The philosopher sets a limit even to those
things which are good in themselves. For she that desires to appear
too learned and eloquent, ought to wear a tunic reaching only to the
middle of the leg, to sacrifice a pig to Sylvanus,[285] and bathe for
a quadrans. Let not the matron that shares your marriage-bed possess a
set style of eloquence, or hurl in well-rounded sentence the enthymeme
curtailed[286] of its premiss; nor be acquainted with all histories.
But let there be some things in books which she does not understand.
I hate her who is forever poring over and studying Palæmon's[287]
treatise; who never violates the rules and principles of grammar; and
skilled in antiquarian lore, quotes verses I never knew; and corrects
the phrases of her friend as old-fashioned,[288] which men would never
heed. A husband should have the privilege of committing a solecism.

There is nothing a woman will not allow herself, nothing she holds
disgraceful, when she has encircled her neck with emeralds, and
inserted earrings of great size in her ears, stretched with their
weight. Nothing is more unbearable than a rich woman!

Meanwhile her face, shocking to look at, or ridiculous from the large
poultice, is all swollen; or is redolent of rich Poppæan unguents,[289]
with which the lips of her wretched husband are glued up. She will
present herself to her adulterer with skin washed clean. When does
she choose to appear beautiful at home? It is for the adulterers her
perfumes are prepared. It is for these she purchases all that the
slender Indians send us. At length she uncases her face and removes
the first layer. She begins to be herself again; and bathes in that
milk,[290] for which she carries in her train she-asses, even if
sent an exile to Hyperborean climes. But that which is overlaid and
fomented with so many and oft-changed cosmetics, and receives poultices
of boiled and damp flour, shall we call it a face,[291] or a sore?

It is worth while to find out exactly what their occupations and
pursuits are through the livelong day. If her husband has gone to
sleep with his back toward her, the housekeeper is half killed--the
tire-women are stripped to be whipped--the Liburnian slave is accused
of having come behind his time, and is forced to pay the penalty of
another's sleep; one has rods broken[292] about him, another bleeds
from the whips, a third from the cowhide. Some women pay a regular
salary to their torturers. While he lashes she is employed in enameling
her face. She listens to her friend's chat, or examines the broad gold
of an embroidered robe. Still he lashes. She pores over the items
in her long diary. [293] Still he lashes. Until at length, when the
torturers are exhausted, "Begone! " she thunders out in awful voice, the
inquisition being now complete.

The government of her house is no more merciful than the court of a
Sicilian tyrant. For if she has made an assignation, and is anxious to
be dressed out more becomingly than usual, and is in a hurry, and has
been some time already waited for in the gardens, or rather near the
chapels of the Isiac[294] procuress; poor Psecas arranges her hair,
herself with disheveled locks and naked shoulders and naked breasts.
"Why is this curl too high? " Instantly the cowhide avenges the heinous
crime of the misplacing of a hair. What has poor Psecas done? What
crime is it of the poor girl's if your own nose has displeased you?

Another, on the left hand, draws out and combs her curls and rolls
them into a band. The aged matron assists at the council, who, having
served her due period[295] at the needle, now presides over weighing
out the tasks of wool. Her opinion will be first taken. Then those who
are her inferiors in years and skill will vote in order, as though
their mistress's good name or life were at stake. So great is the
anxiety of getting beauty! Into so many tiers she forms her curls, so
many stages high she builds[296] her head; in front you will look upon
an Andromache, behind she is a dwarf--you would imagine her another
person. Excuse her, pray, if nature has assigned her but a short back,
and if, without the aid of high-heeled buskins, she looks shorter than
a Pigmy[297] maiden; and must spring lightly up on tip-toe for a kiss.
No thought meanwhile about her husband! not a word of her ruinous
expenditure! She lives as though she were merely a neighbor[298] of her
husband's, and in this respect alone is nearer to him--that she hates
her husband's friends and slaves, and makes grievous inroads on his
purse.

But see! the chorus of the maddened Bellona and the mother of the
gods enters the house! and the huge eunuch (a face to be revered by
his obscene inferior) who long ago emasculated himself with a broken
shell; to whom his hoarse troop and the plebeian drummers give
place, and whose cheek is covered with his Phrygian tiara. With voice
grandiloquent he bids her dread the approach of September and the
autumn blasts, unless she purifies herself with a hecatomb of eggs, and
makes a present to him of her cast-off murrey-colored[299] robes: that
whatever unforeseen or mighty peril may be impending over her may pass
into the tunics, and at once expiate the whole year. She will break
the ice and plunge into the river in the depth of winter, or dip three
times in Tiber at early dawn, and bathe her timid head in its very
eddies, and thence emerging will crawl on bleeding knees, naked and
shivering, over the whole field of the haughty king.
[300] If white Io
command, she will go to the extremity of Egypt, and bring back water
fetched from scorching Meroë, to sprinkle on the temple of Isis, that
rears itself hard by the ancient sheepfold. [301] For she believes that
the warning is given her by the voice of the goddess herself. And this,
forsooth, is a fit soul and mind[302] for the gods to hold converse
with by night! He therefore gains the chief and highest honor, who,
surrounded by his linen-robed flock,[303] and a bald-headed throng of
people uttering lamentations, runs to and fro personating the grinning
Anubis. He it is that supplicates for pardon whenever the wife does
not refrain from nuptial joys on days to be observed as sacred, and a
heavy penalty is incurred from the violation of the snowy sheeting.
And the silver serpent was seen to nod his head! His are the tears,
and his the studied mumblings, that prevail on Osiris not to withhold
pardon for her fault, when bribed by a fat goose and a thin cake. When
he has withdrawn, some trembling Jewess, having quitted her basket and
hay, begs in her secret ear, the interpretess of the laws of Solyma,
the potent priestess of the tree--the trusty go-between from highest
heaven! [304] And she crosses her hand with money, but sparingly enough:
for Jews will sell you any dreams you please for the minutest coin. The
soothsayer of Armenia or Commagene,[305] handling the liver of the dove
still reeking, engages that her lover shall be devoted, or promises
the rich inheritance of some childless rich man; he pries into the
breasts of chickens and the entrails of a puppy; sometimes too even of
a child--he does acts of which he will himself turn informer! [306]

But their confidence in Chaldæans will be greater still: whatever the
astrologer tells them, they will believe reported straight from the
fountain of Ammon; since at Delphi the oracles are dumb, and darkness
as to the future is the punishment of the human race. However, of
these he is in the highest repute who has been often banished; by whose
friendship and venal[307] tablets it came to pass that a citizen of
high rank[308] died, and one dreaded by Otho. Hence arises confidence
in his art, if both his hands have clanked with chains, and he has been
long an inmate of the camp-prison. No astrologer that has never been
condemned will have any reputation for genius; but he that has hardly
escaped with his life, and scarcely had good fortune enough to be sent
to one of the Cyclades,[309] and at length to be set free from the
confined Seriphos, he it is whom your Tanaquil[310] consults about the
death of her jaundiced mother, for which she has been long impatient;
but first, about yourself! when she may hope to follow to the grave her
sister and her uncles; whether her adulterer will survive her, for what
greater boon than this have the gods in their power to bestow?

And yet she is ignorant what the ill-omened planet of Saturn forebodes;
with what star Venus presents herself in fortunate conjunction; what is
the month for ill-luck; what seasons are assigned to profit.

Remember to shun even a casual meeting with her in whose hands you see,
like the unctuous amber,[311] their calendars well thumbed; who instead
of consulting others is now herself consulted; who when her husband is
going to join his camp or revisit his home, will refuse to accompany
him if restrained by the calculations of Thrasyllus. [312] When it is
her fancy to ride as far as the first mile-stone, the lucky hour is
taken from her book; if the corner of her eye itches when she rubs it,
she calls for ointment after a due inspection of her horoscope: though
she lies sick in bed no hour appears suited to taking food, save that
which Petosiris[313] has directed. If she be of moderate means, she
will traverse the space on both sides of the pillars of the circus, and
draw lots, and present her forehead and her hand to the fortune-teller
that asks for the frequent palming. The rich will obtain answers from
some soothsayer of Phrygia or India hired for the purpose, from some
one skilled in the stars and heavens, or one advanced in years who
expiates the public places which the lightning[314] has struck. The
destiny of the plebeians is learnt in the circus, and at Tarquin's
rampart. [315] She that has no long necklace of gold to display,
inquires in front of the obelisks and the dolphin-columns,[316] whether
she shall jilt the tapster and marry the old-clothes man.

Yet these, when circumstances so require, are ready to encounter the
perils of childbirth, and endure all the irksome toils of nursing. But
rarely does a gilded bed contain a woman lying-in: so potent are the
arts and drugs of her that can insure barrenness, and for bribes kill
men while yet unborn. Yet grieve not at this, poor wretch! and with
thine own hand give thy wife the potion, whatever it be: for did she
choose to bear her leaping children in her womb, thou wouldst perchance
become the sire of an Æthiop; a blackamoor would soon be your sole
heir, one whom you would not see of a morning. [317]

I say nothing of supposititious children, and all a husband's joys and
fond hopes baffled at the dirty pools;[318] and the Pontifices and
Salii selected thence, who are to bear in their counterfeit persons the
noble name of Scauri. Fortune, that delights in mischief, takes her
stand by night and smiles upon the naked babes. All these she cherishes
and fosters in her bosom: then proffers them to the houses of the
great, and prepares in secret a rich sport for herself. These she dotes
on:[319] on these she forces her favors; and smiling, leads them on to
advancement as her own foster-children.

One fellow offers a wife magical incantations. Another sells her love
potions from Thessaly, to give her power to disturb her husband's
intellects, and punish him with the indignity of the slipper. To these
it is owing that you are reduced to dotage: hence comes that dizziness
of brain, that strange forgetfulness of things that you have but just
now done. Yet even this is endurable, if you do not go raving mad as
well, like that uncle of Nero for whom his Cæsonia infused the whole
forehead of a foal new dropped. Who will not follow where the empress
leads? All things were wrapped in flames and with joints disruptured
were tottering to their fall, exactly as if Juno had driven her spouse
to madness. Therefore the mushroom[320] of Agrippina had far less of
guilt: since that stopped the breath but of a single old man, and bade
his trembling head descend to heaven,[321] and his lips that slavered
with dribbling saliva. Whereas this potion of Cæsonia[322] calls aloud
for fire and sword and tortures, and mangles in one bloody mass both
senators and knights. So potent is a mare's offspring! Such mighty ruin
can one sorceress work!

Women hate their husbands' spurious issue. No one would object to
or forbid that. But now it is thought allowable to kill even their
husbands' sons by a former marriage.

Take my warning, ye that are under age and have a large estate, keep
watch over your lives! trust not a single dish! The rich meats steam,
livid with poison of your mother's mixing. Let some one take a bite
before you of whatever she that bore you hands you; let your pedagogue,
in terror of his life, be taster of your cups.

All this is our invention! and Satire is borrowing the tragic buskin,
forsooth; and transgressing the limits prescribed by those who trod
the path before us, we are wildly declaiming in the deep-mouthed tones
of Sophocles[323] a strain of awful grandeur, unknown to the Rutulian
hills and Latin sky. Would that it were but fable! But Pontia[324] with
loud voice exclaims, "I did the deed. I avow it! and prepared for my
own children the aconite, which bears palpable evidence against me.
Still[325] the act was mine! " "What, cruelest of vipers! didst thou
kill two at one meal! Two, didst thou slay? " "Ay, seven, had there
haply been seven! "

Then let us believe to be true all that tragedians say of the
fierce Colchian or of Progne. I attempt not to gainsay it. Yet they
perpetrated atrocities that were monstrous even in their days--but not
for the sake of money. Less amazement is excited even by the greatest
enormities, whenever rage incites this sex to crime, and with fury
burning up their very liver, they are carried away headlong; like rocks
torn away from cliffs, from which the mountain-height is reft away, and
the side recedes from the impending mass.

I can not endure the woman that makes her calculations, and in cold
blood perpetrates a heinous crime. They sit and see Alcestis[326]
on the stage encountering death for her husband, and were a similar
exchange allowed to them, would gladly purchase a lapdog's life by the
sacrifice of their husband's! You will meet any morning with Danaides
and Eriphylæ in plenty; not a street but will possess its Clytæmnestra.
This is the only difference, that that famed daughter of Tyndarus
grasped in both hands a bungling, senseless axe. [327] But now the
business is dispatched with the insinuating venom of a toad. But yet
with the steel too; if her Atrides has been cautious enough to fortify
himself with the Pontic antidotes of the thrice-conquered[328] king.

FOOTNOTES:

[237] _Cynthia_ is Propertius' mistress; the other is Lesbia, the
mistress of Catullus. V. Catull. , Carm. iii. "Lugete O Veneres," etc.

[238] _Conventum. _ Three law terms. Conventum, "the first overture. "
Pactum, "the contract. " Sponsalia, "the betrothing. " Hence virgins were
said to be speratæ; pactæ; sponsæ.

[239] _Lex Julia_, against adultery, recently revived by Domitian.

[240] _Jubis. _ Mullets being a bearded fish. Plin. , ix. , 17.

[241] _Testudineo. _ Cf. xi. , 94. The allusion is to the story told
by Pliny, vii. , 12, of the consuls Lentulus and Metellus, who were
observed by all present to be wonderfully like two gladiators then
exhibiting before them. Cf. Val. Max. , ix. , 14.

[242] _Lagi. _ Alexandria, the royal city of Ptolemy, son of Lagos, and
his successors.

[243] _Imperio Sexûs. _ Cf. xv. , 138, Naturæ imperio.

[244] _Ulmos. _ Elms, to which the vines were to be "wedded," therefore
put for the vines themselves. Cf. Virg. , Georg. , i. , 2, "Ulmisque
adjungere vites. " Cf. Sat. viii. , 78, Stratus humi palmes viduas
desiderat ulmos. Hence Platanus Cælebs evincet ulmos. Cf. Hor. , Epod. ,
i. , 9.

[245] _Casa. _ There is another fanciful interpretation of this passage.
The _casa candida_ is said to mean the "white booths" so erected as to
hide the picture of the "Argonautic" expedition, at the time of the
Sigillaria, a kind of fair following the Saturnalia, when gems, etc. ,
were exposed for sale. Cf. Suet. , Nero, 28.

[246] _Crystallina_ are most probably vessels of _pure white glass_,
which from the ignorance of the use of metallic oxydes were very rare
among the Romans, though they possessed the art of coloring glass with
many varieties of hue.

[247] _Mustacea_ (the Greek σησαμῆ, Arist. , Pax. , 869), a mixture of
meal and anise, moistened with new wine.

[248] Dacicus, i. e. , gold coins of Domitian--the first from his
Dacian, the second from his German wars. It was customary to present a
plate full of these to the bride on the wedding night. Domitian assumed
the title of Germanicus A. D. 84, and of Dacicus, A. D. 91.

[249]

"She tells thee where to love and where to hate,
Shuts out the ancient friend, whose beard thy gate
Knew from its downy to its hoary state. " Gifford.

[250] Cf. Æsch. , Ag. , 411, ἰὼ λέχος καὶ στίβοι φιλάνορες.

[251] _Octo. _ Eight divorces were allowed by law.

[252]

"They meet in private and prepare the bill,
Draw up the instructions with a lawyer's skill. " Gifford.

"And teach the toothless lawyer how to bite. " Dryden.

[253] _Celsus. _ There were two famous lawyers of this name; A.
Cornelius Celsus, the well-known physician in Tiberius' reign, who
wrote seven books of Institutes, and P. Juventius Celsus, who lived
under Trajan and Hadrian, and wrote Digests and Commentaries.

[254] _Endromis. _ Cf. iii. , 103. "A thick shaggy coat," to prevent cold
after the violent exertions in the arena. _Ceroma. _ Cf. iii. , 68. The
gladiator's ointment, made of oil, wax, and clay. "Nec injecto ceromate
brachia tendis. " Mart. , vii. , Ep. xxxii. , 9.

[255] _Palus_; a wooden post or figure on which young recruits used to
practice their sword exercise, armed with shields and wooden swords
double the regulation weight.

[256] _Veræ. _ Cf. ad i. , 22.

[257] _Manicæ. _ If the proper reading is not "_tunicæ_" (as tunicati
fuscina Gracchi, ii. , 117. Cedamus tunicæ, viii. , 207), the manicæ are
probably "the sleeves of the tunic. " Cf. Liv. , ix. , 40.

[258] _Diversa. _ i. e. , as a Retiarius instead of a Mirmillo.

[259] _Duræ. _ "Pallade placata lanam mollite puellæ! " The process of
softening the wool hardened the hands. Ov. , Fast. , iii. , 817.

[260] _Concha_, a large drinking-cup, shaped like a shell; or, not
improbably, some large shell mounted in gold for a cup, like the
Nautilus of Middle Ages.

[261] Compare the well-known epigram on Pitt and Henry Dundas:

"I can't see the Speaker, Hal, can you? "
"Not see the Speaker? I see two!