No More Learning

'Tis my foreboding that I fall not
in with him again. For his censures, I void my rheum upon them.

_Sop_. What is the matter with him, Lycinus?

_Ly_. Why, _this_ is the matter; don't you hear? He leaves us his
contemporaries, and goes a thousand years off to talk to us, which he
does by aid of these tongue-gymnastics and extraordinary compounds--
prides himself upon it, too, as if it were a great thing to disguise
yourself, and mutilate the conversational currency.

_Sop_. Well, to be sure, this is a serious case; we must do all we
can for him. Providentially, here is an emetic I had just mixed for a
bilious patient; here, Lexiphanes, drink it off; the other man can wait;
let us purge you of this vocal derangement, and get you a clean bill of
health. Come along, down with it; you will feel much easier.

_Lex_. I know not what you would be at, you and Lycinus, with your
drenches; I fear me you are more like to end than mend my speech.

_Ly_. Drink, quick; it will make a man of you in thought and word.

_Lex_. Well, if I must. Lord, what is this? How it rumbles! I must have
swallowed a ventriloquist.

_Sop_. Now, let it come. Look, look! Here comes _in sooth, anon_ follows,
close upon them _quoth he, withal, sirrah, I trow,_ and a general
sprinkling of _sundry_. But try again; tickle your throat; that will help.
_Hard, by_ has not come up yet, nor _a-weary_, nor _rehearse_, nor
_quandary_. Oh, there are lots of them lurking yet, a whole stomachful. It
would be well to get rid of some of them by purging; there should be an
impressive explosion when _orotundity_ makes its windy exit. However, he
is pretty well cleaned out, except for what may be left in the lower
bowels. Lycinus, I shall now leave him in your charge; teach him better
ways, and tell him what are the right words to use.

_Ly_. I will, Sopolis; and thank you for clearing the way. Now,
Lexiphanes, listen to me. If you want sincere commendations upon your
style, and success with popular audiences, give a wide berth to that sort
of stuff. Make a beginning with the great poets, read them with some one
to help you, then go on to the orators, and when you have assimilated
their vocabulary, proceed in due time to Thucydides and Plato, not
forgetting a thorough course also of pleasant Comedy and grave Tragedy.
When you have culled the best that all these can show, you may reckon
that you have a style. You have not realized it, but at present you are
like the toymen's dolls, all gaudy colouring outside, and inside, fragile
clay.

If you will take this advice, put up for a little while with being called
uneducated, and not be ashamed to mend your ways, you may face an
audience without a tremor; you will not then be a laughing-stock any
more; the cultivated will no longer exercise their irony upon you and
nickname you the Hellene and the Attic just because you are less
intelligible than many barbarians. But above all things, do bear in mind
not to ape the worst tricks of the last generation's professors; you are
always nibbling at their wares; put your foot upon them once for all, and
take the ancients for your model. And no dallying with unsubstantial
flowers of speech; accustom yourself, like the athletes, to solid food.
And let your devotions be paid to the Graces and to Lucidity, whom you
have so neglected.

Further, put a stopper on bombast and grandiloquence and mannerism; be
neither supercilious nor overbearing; cease to carp at other people's
performances and to count their loss your gain. And then, perhaps the
greatest of all your errors is this: instead of arranging your matter
first, and then elaborating the diction, you find some out-of-the-way
word, or are captivated by one of your own invention, and try to build up
your meaning round it; if you cannot get it in somehow or other, though
it may have nothing to do with the matter, you are inconsolable; do you
remember the _mobled queen_ you let off the other day? It was quite
off the point, and you did not know what it meant yourself; however, its
oddness tickled the ears of the ignorant many; as for the cultivated,
they were equally amused at you and at your admirers.

Again, could anything be more ludicrous than for one who claims to be a
purist, drawing from the undefiled fountain of antiquity, to mix in
(though indeed that reverses the proportion) expressions that would be
impossible to the merest schoolboy? I felt as if I should like the earth
to swallow me up, when I heard you talk of a man's _chemise_, and use
_valet_ of a woman; who does not know that a man wears a shirt, and that a
valet is male? But you abound in far more flagrant blunders than these: I
have _chidden_, not _chode_ you; we do not _write_ a friend, we _write to_
him; we say _'onest_, not _honest_; these usages of yours cannot claim
even alien rights among us. Moreover, we do not like even poetry to read
like the dictionary. But the sort of poetry to which your prose
corresponds would be Dosiadas's _Altar_, Lycophron's _Alexandra_, or any
more pestilent pedantry that may happen to exist. If you take the pains to
unlearn all this, you will have done the best you can for yourself. If you
let yourself be seduced by your sweet baits again, I have at least put in
my word of warning, and you will have only yourself to blame when you find
yourself on the downward path.






End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Works, V2, by Lucian of Samosata

*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WORKS, V2 ***

This file should be named 6585. txt or 6585. zip

Produced by Robert Nield, Juliet Sutherland, Charles Franks
and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team.

Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed
editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US
unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we usually do not
keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.

We are now trying to release all our eBooks one year in advance
of the official release dates, leaving time for better editing.
Please be encouraged to tell us about any error or corrections,
even years after the official publication date.

Please note neither this listing nor its contents are final til
midnight of the last day of the month of any such announcement.
The official release date of all Project Gutenberg eBooks is at
Midnight, Central Time, of the last day of the stated month. A
preliminary version may often be posted for suggestion, comment
and editing by those who wish to do so.

Most people start at our Web sites at:
http://gutenberg. net or
http://promo. net/pg

These Web sites include award-winning information about Project
Gutenberg, including how to donate, how to help produce our new
eBooks, and how to subscribe to our email newsletter (free! ).


Those of you who want to download any eBook before announcement
can get to them as follows, and just download by date. This is
also a good way to get them instantly upon announcement, as the
indexes our cataloguers produce obviously take a while after an
announcement goes out in the Project Gutenberg Newsletter.

http://www. ibiblio. org/gutenberg/etext03 or
ftp://ftp. ibiblio. org/pub/docs/books/gutenberg/etext03

Or /etext02, 01, 00, 99, 98, 97, 96, 95, 94, 93, 92, 92, 91 or 90

Just search by the first five letters of the filename you want,
as it appears in our Newsletters.


Information about Project Gutenberg (one page)

We produce about two million dollars for each hour we work. The
time it takes us, a rather conservative estimate, is fifty hours
to get any eBook selected, entered, proofread, edited, copyright
searched and analyzed, the copyright letters written, etc. Our
projected audience is one hundred million readers. If the value
per text is nominally estimated at one dollar then we produce $2
million dollars per hour in 2002 as we release over 100 new text
files per month: 1240 more eBooks in 2001 for a total of 4000+
We are already on our way to trying for 2000 more eBooks in 2002
If they reach just 1-2% of the world's population then the total
will reach over half a trillion eBooks given away by year's end.

The Goal of Project Gutenberg is to Give Away 1 Trillion eBooks!
This is ten thousand titles each to one hundred million readers,
which is only about 4% of the present number of computer users.

Here is the briefest record of our progress (* means estimated):

eBooks Year Month

1 1971 July
10 1991 January
100 1994 January
1000 1997 August
1500 1998 October
2000 1999 December
2500 2000 December
3000 2001 November
4000 2001 October/November
6000 2002 December*
9000 2003 November*
10000 2004 January*


The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation has been created
to secure a future for Project Gutenberg into the next millennium.

We need your donations more than ever!

As of February, 2002, contributions are being solicited from people
and organizations in: Alabama, Alaska, Arkansas, Connecticut,
Delaware, District of Columbia, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Illinois,
Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Massachusetts,
Michigan, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New
Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, Ohio,
Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South
Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West
Virginia, Wisconsin, and Wyoming.

We have filed in all 50 states now, but these are the only ones
that have responded.

As the requirements for other states are met, additions to this list
will be made and fund raising will begin in the additional states.
Please feel free to ask to check the status of your state.

In answer to various questions we have received on this:

We are constantly working on finishing the paperwork to legally
request donations in all 50 states. If your state is not listed and
you would like to know if we have added it since the list you have,
just ask.

While we cannot solicit donations from people in states where we are
not yet registered, we know of no prohibition against accepting
donations from donors in these states who approach us with an offer to
donate.

International donations are accepted, but we don't know ANYTHING about
how to make them tax-deductible, or even if they CAN be made
deductible, and don't have the staff to handle it even if there are
ways.

Donations by check or money order may be sent to:

Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
PMB 113
1739 University Ave.
Oxford, MS 38655-4109

Contact us if you want to arrange for a wire transfer or payment
method other than by check or money order.

The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation has been approved by
the US Internal Revenue Service as a 501(c)(3) organization with EIN
[Employee Identification Number] 64-622154. Donations are
tax-deductible to the maximum extent permitted by law. As fund-raising
requirements for other states are met, additions to this list will be
made and fund-raising will begin in the additional states.

We need your donations more than ever!

You can get up to date donation information online at:

http://www. gutenberg. net/donation. html


***

If you can't reach Project Gutenberg,
you can always email directly to:

Michael S. Hart <hart@pobox. com>

Prof. Hart will answer or forward your message.

We would prefer to send you information by email.


**The Legal Small Print**


(Three Pages)

***START**THE SMALL PRINT! **FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN EBOOKS**START***
Why is this "Small Print! " statement here? You know: lawyers.
They tell us you might sue us if there is something wrong with
your copy of this eBook, even if you got it for free from
someone other than us, and even if what's wrong is not our
fault. So, among other things, this "Small Print! " statement
disclaims most of our liability to you. It also tells you how
you may distribute copies of this eBook if you want to.

*BEFORE! * YOU USE OR READ THIS EBOOK
By using or reading any part of this PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm
eBook, you indicate that you understand, agree to and accept
this "Small Print! " statement. If you do not, you can receive
a refund of the money (if any) you paid for this eBook by
sending a request within 30 days of receiving it to the person
you got it from. If you received this eBook on a physical
medium (such as a disk), you must return it with your request.

ABOUT PROJECT GUTENBERG-TM EBOOKS
This PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm eBook, like most PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm eBooks,
is a "public domain" work distributed by Professor Michael S. Hart
through the Project Gutenberg Association (the "Project").
Among other things, this means that no one owns a United States copyright
on or for this work, so the Project (and you! ) can copy and
distribute it in the United States without permission and
without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth
below, apply if you wish to copy and distribute this eBook
under the "PROJECT GUTENBERG" trademark.

Please do not use the "PROJECT GUTENBERG" trademark to market
any commercial products without permission.

To create these eBooks, the Project expends considerable
efforts to identify, transcribe and proofread public domain
works. Despite these efforts, the Project's eBooks and any
medium they may be on may contain "Defects". Among other
things, Defects may take the form of incomplete, inaccurate or
corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other
intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged
disk or other eBook medium, a computer virus, or computer
codes that damage or cannot be read by your equipment.

LIMITED WARRANTY; DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES
But for the "Right of Replacement or Refund" described below,
[1] Michael Hart and the Foundation (and any other party you may
receive this eBook from as a PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm eBook) disclaims
all liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including
legal fees, and [2] YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE OR
UNDER STRICT LIABILITY, OR FOR BREACH OF WARRANTY OR CONTRACT,
INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE
OR INCIDENTAL DAMAGES, EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE
POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGES.

If you discover a Defect in this eBook within 90 days of
receiving it, you can receive a refund of the money (if any)
you paid for it by sending an explanatory note within that
time to the person you received it from. If you received it
on a physical medium, you must return it with your note, and
such person may choose to alternatively give you a replacement
copy. If you received it electronically, such person may
choose to alternatively give you a second opportunity to
receive it electronically.

THIS EBOOK IS OTHERWISE PROVIDED TO YOU "AS-IS". NO OTHER
WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, ARE MADE TO YOU AS
TO THE EBOOK OR ANY MEDIUM IT MAY BE ON, INCLUDING BUT NOT
LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR A
PARTICULAR PURPOSE.

Some states do not allow disclaimers of implied warranties or
the exclusion or limitation of consequential damages, so the
above disclaimers and exclusions may not apply to you, and you
may have other legal rights.

INDEMNITY
You will indemnify and hold Michael Hart, the Foundation,
and its trustees and agents, and any volunteers associated
with the production and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm
texts harmless, from all liability, cost and expense, including
legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of the
following that you do or cause: [1] distribution of this eBook,
[2] alteration, modification, or addition to the eBook,
or [3] any Defect.

DISTRIBUTION UNDER "PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm"
You may distribute copies of this eBook electronically, or by
disk, book or any other medium if you either delete this
"Small Print! " and all other references to Project Gutenberg,
or:

[1] Only give exact copies of it. Among other things, this
requires that you do not remove, alter or modify the
eBook or this "small print! " statement. You may however,
if you wish, distribute this eBook in machine readable
binary, compressed, mark-up, or proprietary form,
including any form resulting from conversion by word
processing or hypertext software, but only so long as
*EITHER*:

[*] The eBook, when displayed, is clearly readable, and
does *not* contain characters other than those
intended by the author of the work, although tilde
(~), asterisk (*) and underline (_) characters may
be used to convey punctuation intended by the
author, and additional characters may be used to
indicate hypertext links; OR

[*] The eBook may be readily converted by the reader at
no expense into plain ASCII, EBCDIC or equivalent
form by the program that displays the eBook (as is
the case, for instance, with most word processors);
OR

[*] You provide, or agree to also provide on request at
no additional cost, fee or expense, a copy of the
eBook in its original plain ASCII form (or in EBCDIC
or other equivalent proprietary form).

[2] Honor the eBook refund and replacement provisions of this
"Small Print! " statement.

[3] Pay a trademark license fee to the Foundation of 20% of the
gross profits you derive calculated using the method you
already use to calculate your applicable taxes. If you
don't derive profits, no royalty is due. Royalties are
payable to "Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation"
the 60 days following each date you prepare (or were
legally required to prepare) your annual (or equivalent
periodic) tax return. Please contact us beforehand to
let us know your plans and to work out the details.

WHAT IF YOU *WANT* TO SEND MONEY EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO?
Project Gutenberg is dedicated to increasing the number of
public domain and licensed works that can be freely distributed
in machine readable form.

The Project gratefully accepts contributions of money, time,
public domain materials, or royalty free copyright licenses.
Money should be paid to the:
"Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. "

If you are interested in contributing scanning equipment or
software or other items, please contact Michael Hart at:
hart@pobox. com

[Portions of this eBook's header and trailer may be reprinted only
when distributed free of all fees. Copyright (C) 2001, 2002 by
Michael S. Hart. Project Gutenberg is a TradeMark and may not be
used in any sales of Project Gutenberg eBooks or other materials be
they hardware or software or any other related product without
express permission. ]

*END THE SMALL PRINT! FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN EBOOKS*Ver. 02/11/02*END*

The Project Gutenberg EBook of Works, V3, by Lucian of Samosata
#3 in our series by Lucian of Samosata

Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the
copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing
this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook.

This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project
Gutenberg file. Please do not remove it. Do not change or edit the
header without written permission.

Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the
eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is
important information about your specific rights and restrictions in
how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a
donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved.


**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts**

**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971**

*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers! *****


Title: Works, V3

Author: Lucian of Samosata

Release Date: November, 2004 [EBook #6829]
[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule]
[This file was first posted on January 28, 2003]

Edition: 10

Language: English


*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WORKS, V3 ***




Produced by Robert Nield, Tom Allen, Charles Franks
and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team.




THE WORKS OF LUCIAN OF SAMOSATA

Complete with exceptions specified in the preface

TRANSLATED BY

H. W. FOWLER AND F. G. FOWLER

VOLUME III

OF FOUR VOLUMES

What work nobler than transplanting foreign thought into the barren
domestic soil? except indeed planting thought of your own, which
the fewest are privileged to do. --_Sartor Resartus_.

At each flaw, be this your first thought: the author doubtless said
something quite different, and much more to the point. And then you
may hiss _me_ off, if you will. --LUCIAN, _Nigrinus_, 9.

(LUCIAN) The last great master of Attic eloquence and Attic wit. --
_Lord Macaulay_.




CONTENTS OF VOL. III


LIFE OF DEMONAX

A PORTRAIT-STUDY

DEFENCE OF THE 'PORTRAIT-STUDY'

TOXARIS: A DIALOGUE OF FRIENDSHIP

ZEUS CROSS-EXAMINED

ZEUS TRAGOEDUS

THE COCK

ICAROMENIPPUS, AN AERIAL EXPEDITION

THE DOUBLE INDICTMENT

THE PARASITE, A DEMONSTRATION THAT SPONGING IS A PROFESSION

ANACHARSIS, A DISCUSSION OF PHYSICAL TRAINING

OF MOURNING

THE RHETORICIAN'S VADE MECUM

THE LIAR

DIONYSUS, AN INTRODUCTORY LECTURE

HERACLES, AN INTRODUCTORY LECTURE

SWANS AND AMBER

THE FLY, AN APPRECIATION

REMARKS ADDRESSED TO AN ILLITERATE BOOK-FANCIER

ALPHABETICAL TABLE OF CONTENTS




LIFE OF DEMONAX


It was in the book of Fate that even this age of ours should not be
destitute entirely of noteworthy and memorable men, but produce a
body of extraordinary power, and a mind of surpassing wisdom. My
allusions are to Sostratus the Boeotian, whom the Greeks called,
and believed to be, Heracles; and more particularly to the
philosopher Demonax. I saw and marvelled at both of them, and with
the latter I long consorted. I have written of Sostratus elsewhere
[Footnote: The life of Sostratus is not extant. ], and described his
stature and enormous strength, his open-air life on Parnassus,
sleeping on the grass and eating what the mountain afforded, the
exploits that bore out his surname--robbers exterminated, rough
places made smooth, and deep waters bridged.

This time I am to write of Demonax, with two sufficient ends in
view: first, to keep his memory green among good men, as far as in
me lies; and secondly, to provide the most earnest of our rising
generation, who aspire to philosophy, with a contemporary pattern,
that they may not be forced back upon the ancients for worthy
models, but imitate this best--if I am any judge--of all
philosophers.

He came of a Cyprian family which enjoyed considerable property and
political influence. But his views soared above such things as
these; he claimed nothing less than the highest, and devoted
himself to philosophy. This was not due to any exhortations of
Agathobulus, his predecessor Demetrius, or Epictetus. He did indeed
enjoy the converse of all these, as well as of Timocrates of
Heraclea, that wise man whose gifts of expression and of
understanding were equal. It was not, however, to the exhortations
of any of these, but to a natural impulse towards the good, an
innate yearning for philosophy which manifested itself in childish
years, that he owed his superiority to all the things that ordinary
men pursue. He took independence and candour for his guiding
principles, lived himself an upright, wholesome, irreproachable
life, and exhibited to all who saw or heard him the model of his
own disposition and philosophic sincerity.

He was no half-baked enthusiast either; he had lived with the
poets, and knew most of them by heart; he was a practised speaker;
he had a knowledge of philosophic principles not of the superficial
skin-deep order; he had developed and hardened his body by exercise
and toil, and, in short, had been at the pains to make himself
every man's equal at every point. He was consistent enough, when he
found that he could no longer suffice to himself, to depart
voluntarily from life, leaving a great reputation behind him among
the true nobility of Greece.

Instead of confining himself to a single philosophic school, he
laid them all under contribution, without showing clearly which of
them he preferred; but perhaps he was nearest akin to Socrates;
for, though he had leanings as regards externals and plain living
to Diogenes, he never studied effect or lived for the applause and
admiration of the multitude; his ways were like other people's; he
mounted no high horse; he was just a man and a citizen. He indulged
in no Socratic irony; but his discourse was full of Attic grace;
those who heard it went away neither disgusted by servility nor
repelled by ill-tempered censure, but on the contrary lifted out of
themselves by charity, and encouraged to more orderly, contented,
hopeful lives.

He was never known to shout or be over vehement or angry, even when
he had to correct; he touched offences, but pardoned offenders,
saying that the doctors' was the right model, who treat sickness
but are not angry with the sick. It is human, he thought, to err,
but divine (whether in God or man) to put the error right.

A life of this sort left him without wants of his own; but he was
always ready to render any proper service to his friends--including
reminders to those among them who passed for fortunate, how brief
was their tenure of what they so prided themselves upon. To all, on
the other hand, who repined at poverty, resented exile, or
complained of old age or bad health, he administered laughing
consolation, and bade them not forget how soon their troubles would
be over, the distinction between good and bad be obsolete, and long
freedom succeed to short-lived distress.

He was fond of playing peace-maker between brothers at variance, or
presiding over the restoration of marital harmony. He could say a
word in season, too, before an agitated political assembly, which
would turn the scale in favour of patriotic duty. Such was the
temper that philosophy produced in him, kindly, mild, and cheerful.
Nothing ever grieved him except the illness or death of a friend,
friendship being the one among blessings that he put highest; and
indeed he was every man's friend, counting among his kindred
whatever had human shape. Not that there were no degrees in the
pleasure different people's society gave him; but he avoided none,
except those who seemed so far astray that they could get no good
from him. And every word or act in which these principles took
shape might have been dictated by the Graces and Aphrodite; for 'on
his lips Persuasion sat,' as the play has it.

Accordingly he was regarded with reverence at Athens, both by the
collective assembly and by the officials; he always continued to be
a person of great consequence in their eyes. And this though most
of them had been at first offended with him, and hated him as
heartily as their ancestors had Socrates. Besides his candour and
independence, there had been found Anytuses and Meletuses to repeat
the historic charges: _he had never been known to sacrifice, and
he made himself singular by avoiding initiation at Eleusis_. On
this occasion he showed his courage by appearing in a garland and
festal attire, and then pleading his cause before the people with a
dash of unwonted asperity infused into his ordinary moderate tone.
On the count of never having sacrificed to Athene, 'Men of Athens,'
he said, 'there is nothing wonderful in this; it was only that I
gave the Goddess credit for being able to do very well without
sacrifices from me. ' And in the matter of the Mysteries, his reason
for not following the usual practice was this: if the Mysteries
turned out to be bad, he would never be able to keep quiet about it
to the uninitiated, but must dissuade them from the ceremony;
while, if they were good, humanity would tempt him to divulge them.
The Athenians, stone in hand already, were at once disarmed, and
from that time onwards paid him honour and respect, which
ultimately rose to reverence. Yet he had opened his case with a
bitter enough reproof: 'Men of Athens, you see me ready garlanded;
proceed to sacrifice me, then; your former offering [Footnote:
i. e. , Socrates. ] was deficient in this formality. '

I will now give some specimens of his pointed and witty sayings,
which may begin with his answers to Favorinus. The latter had heard
that he made fun of his lectures, and in particular of the
sentimental verses with which they were garnished, and which
Demonax thought contemptible, womanish, and quite unsuited to
philosophy. So he came and asked him: 'Who, pray, are you, that you
should pour scorn upon me? ' 'I am the possessor of a critical pair
of ears,' was the answer. The sophist had not had enough;
'_You_ are no infant,' he went on, 'but a philosopher, it
seems; may one ask what marks the transformation? ' 'The marks of
manhood,' said Demonax.

Another time the same person came up and asked him what school of
philosophy he belonged to. 'Who told you I was a philosopher? ' was
all he said. But as he left him, he had a good laugh to himself,
which Favorinus observing, demanded what he was laughing at; 'I was
only amused by your taking a man for a philosopher because he wears
a beard, when you have none yourself. '

When Sidonius, who had a great reputation at Athens as a teacher,
was boasting that he was conversant with all the philosophic
systems--but I had better quote his words. 'Let Aristotle call, and
I follow to the Lyceum; Plato, and I hurry to the Academy; Zeno,
and I make my home in the Porch; Pythagoras, and I keep the rule of
silence. ' Then rose Demonax from among the audience: 'Sidonius,
Pythagoras calls. '

A pretty girlish young man called Python, son of some Macedonian
grandee, once by way of quizzing him asked a riddling question and
invited him to show his acumen over it. 'I only see one thing, dear
child,' he said, 'and that is, that you are a _fair_ logician. '
The other lost his temper at this equivoque, and threatened him:
'You shall see in a minute what a man can do. ' 'Oh, you keep a man,
do you? ' was Demonax's smiling retort.

He once, for daring to laugh at an athlete who displayed himself in
gay clothes because he had won an Olympic victory, received a blow
on the head with a stone, which drew blood. The bystanders were all
as angry as if they had themselves been the victims, and set up a
shout--'The Proconsul! the Proconsul! ' 'Thank you, gentlemen,' said
Demonax, 'but I should prefer the doctor. '

He once picked up a little gold charm in the road as he walked, and
posted a notice in the market-place stating that the loser could
recover his property, if he would call upon Demonax and give
particulars of the weight, material, and workmanship. A handsome
young exquisite came, professing to have lost it. The philosopher
soon saw that it was a got-up story; 'Ah, my boy,' he said, 'you
will do very well, if you lose your other charms as little as you
have lost this one. '

A Roman senator at Athens once presented his son, who had great
beauty of a soft womanish type. 'My son salutes you, sir,' he said.
To which Demonax answered, 'A pretty lad, worthy of his father, and
extremely like his mother. '

A cynic who emphasized his principles by wearing a bear's skin he
insisted on addressing not by his name of Honoratus, but as Bruin.

Asked for a definition of Happiness, he said that only the free was
happy. 'Well,' said the questioner, 'there is no lack of free
men. '--'I count no man free who is subject to hopes and fears. '--
'You ask impossibilities; of these two we are all very much the
slaves. ' 'Once grasp the nature of human affairs,' said Demonax,
'and you will find that they justify neither hope nor fear, since
both pain and pleasure are to have an end. '

Peregrine Proteus was shocked at his taking things so lightly, and
treating mankind as a subject for humour: 'You have no teeth,
Demonax. ' 'And you, Peregrine, have no bowels. '

A physical philosopher was discoursing about the antipodes; Demonax
took his hand, and led him to a well, in which he showed him his
own reflection: 'Do you want us to believe that the antipodes are
like _that_? '

A man once boasted that he was a wizard, and possessed of mighty
charms whereby he could get what he chose out of anybody. 'Will it
surprise you to learn that I am a fellow-craftsman? ' asked Demonax;
'pray come with me to the baker's, and you shall see a single
charm, just one wave of my magic wand, induce him to bestow several
loaves upon me. ' Current coin, he meant, is as good a magician as
most.

The great Herodes, mourning the untimely death of Pollux, used to
have the carriage and horses got ready, and the place laid at
table, as though the dead were going to drive and eat. To him came
Demonax, saying that he brought a message from Pollux. Herodes,
delighted with the idea that Demonax was humouring his whim like
other people, asked what it was that Pollux required of him. 'He
cannot think why you are so long coming to him. '

When another person kept himself shut up in the dark, mourning his
son, Demonax represented himself to him as a magician: he would
call up the son's ghost, the only condition being that he should be
given the names of three people who had never had to mourn. The
father hum'd and ha'd, unable, doubtless, to produce any such
person, till Demonax broke in: 'And have you, then, a monopoly of
the unendurable, when you cannot name a man who has not some grief
to endure? '

He often ridiculed the people who use obsolete and uncommon words
in their lectures. One of these produced a bit of Attic purism in
answer to some question he had put. 'My dear sir,' he said, 'the
date of my question is to-day; that of your answer is _temp_.
_Bell_. _Troj_. '

A friend asking him to come to the temple of Asclepius, there to
make prayer for his son, 'Poor deaf Asclepius! ' he exclaimed; 'can
he not hear at this distance? '

He once saw two philosophers engaged in a very unedifying game of
cross questions and crooked answers. 'Gentlemen,' said he, 'here is
one man milking a billy-goat, and another catching the proceeds in
a sieve. '

When Agathocles the Peripatetic vaunted himself as the first and
only dialectician, he asked him how he could be the first, if he
was the only, or the only, if he was the first.

The consular Cethegus, on his way to serve under his father in
Asia, said and did many foolish things. A friend describing him as
a great ass, 'Not even a _great_ ass,' said Demonax.

When Apollonius was appointed professor of philosophy in the
Imperial household, Demonax witnessed his departure, attended by a
great number of his pupils. 'Why, here is Apollonius with all his
Argonauts,' he cried.

Asked whether he held the soul to be immortal, 'Dear me, yes,' he
said; 'everything is. '

He remarked a propos of Herodes that Plato was quite right about
our having more than one soul; the same soul could not possibly
compose those splendid declamations, and have places laid for
Regilla and Pollux after their death.

He was once bold enough to ask the assembled people, when he heard
the sacred proclamation, why they excluded barbarians from the
Mysteries, seeing that Eumolpus, the founder of them, was a
barbarian from Thrace.

When he once had a winter voyage to make, a friend asked how he
liked the thought of being capsized and becoming food for fishes.
'I should be very unreasonable to mind giving them a meal,
considering how many they have given me. '

To a rhetorician who had given a very poor declamation he
recommended constant practice. 'Why, I am always practising to
myself,' says the man. 'Ah, that accounts for it; you are
accustomed to such a foolish audience. '

Observing a soothsayer one day officiating for pay, he said: 'I
cannot see how you can ask pay. If it is because you can change the
course of Fate, you cannot possibly put the figure high enough: if
everything is settled by Heaven, and not by you, what is the good
of your soothsaying? '

A hale old Roman once gave him a little exhibition of his skill in
fence, taking a clothes-peg for his mark. 'What do you think of my
play, Demonax? ' he said. 'Excellent, so long as you have a wooden
man to play with. '

Even for questions meant to be insoluble he generally had a shrewd
answer at command. Some one tried to make a fool of him by asking,
If I burn a hundred pounds of wood, how many pounds of smoke shall
I get? 'Weigh the ashes; the difference is all smoke. '

One Polybius, an uneducated man whose grammar was very defective,
once informed him that he had received Roman citizenship from the
Emperor. 'Why did he not make you a Greek instead? ' asked Demonax.

Seeing a decorated person very proud of his broad stripe, he
whispered in his ear, while he took hold of and drew attention to
the cloth, 'This attire did not make its original wearer anything
but a sheep. '

Once at the bath the water was at boiling point, and some one
called him a coward for hesitating to get in. 'What,' said he, 'is
my country expecting me to do my duty? '

Some one asked him what he took the next world to be like. 'Wait a
bit, and I will send you the information. '

A minor poet called Admetus told him he had inserted a clause in
his will for the inscribing on his tomb of a monostich, which I
will give:

Admetus' husk earth holds, and Heaven himself.

'What a beautiful epitaph, Admetus! ' said Demonax, 'and what a pity
it is not up yet! '

The shrunk shanks of old age are a commonplace; but when his
reached this state, some one asked him what was the matter with
them. 'Ah,' he said with a smile, 'Charon has been having a bite at
them. '

He interrupted a Spartan who was scourging his servant with, 'Why
confer on your slave the privilege of Spartans [Footnote: See
_Spartans_ in Notes. ] like yourself? ' He observed to one Danae,
who was bringing a suit against her brother, 'Have the law of him
by all means; it was another Danae whose father was called the
Lawless. [Footnote: See _Danae_ in Notes. ]

He waged constant warfare against all whose philosophy was not
practical, but for show. So when he saw a cynic, with threadbare
cloak and wallet, but a braying-pestle instead of a staff,
proclaiming himself loudly as a follower of Antisthenes, Crates,
and Diogenes, he said: 'Tell us no lies; your master is the
professor of braying. '

Noticing how foul play was growing among the athletes, who often
supplemented the resources of boxing and wrestling with their
teeth, he said it was no wonder that the champions' partisans had
taken to describing them as lions.

There was both wit and sting in what he said to the proconsul. The
latter was one of the people who take all the hair off their bodies
with pitch-plaster. A cynic mounted a block of stone and cast this
practice in his teeth, suggesting that it was for immoral purposes.
The proconsul in a rage had the man pulled down, and was on the
point of condemning him to be beaten or banished, when Demonax, who
was present, pleaded for him on the ground that he was only
exercising the traditional cynic licence. 'Well,' said the
proconsul, 'I pardon him this time at your request; but if he
offends again, what shall I do to him? ' 'Have him depilated,' said
Demonax.

Another person, entrusted by the Emperor with the command of
legions and the charge of a great province, asked him what was the
way to govern well. 'Keep your temper, say little, and hear much. '

Asked whether he ate honey-cakes, 'Do you suppose,' he said, 'that
bees only make honey for fools? '

Noticing near the Poecile a statue minus a hand, he said it had
taken Athens a long time to get up a bronze to Cynaegirus.

Alluding to the lame Cyprian Rufinus, who was a Peripatetic and
spent much time in the Lyceum walks, 'What presumption,' he
exclaimed, 'for a cripple to call himself a Walking Philosopher! '

Epictetus once urged him, with a touch of reproof, to take a wife
and raise a family--for it beseemed a philosopher to leave some one
to represent him after the flesh. But he received the home thrust:
'Very well, Epictetus; give me one of your daughters. '

His remark to Herminus the Aristotelian is equally worth recording.
He was aware that this man's character was vile and his misdeeds
innumerable, and yet his mouth was always full of Aristotle and his
ten predicaments. 'Certainly, Herminus,' he said, 'no predicament
is too bad for you. '

When the Athenians were thinking, in their rivalry with Corinth, of
starting gladiatorial shows, he came forward and said: 'Men of
Athens, before you pass this motion, do not forget to destroy the
altar of Pity. '

On the occasion of his visiting Olympia, the Eleans voted a bronze
statue to him. But he remonstrated: 'It will imply a reproach to
your ancestors, men of Elis, who set up no statue to Socrates or
Diogenes. '

I once heard him observe to a learned lawyer that laws were not of
much use, whether meant for the good or for the bad; the first do
not need them, and upon the second they have no effect.

There was one line of Homer always on his tongue:

Idle or busy, death takes all alike.

He had a good word for Thersites, as a cynic and a leveller.

Asked which of the philosophers was most to his taste, he said: 'I
admire them all; Socrates I revere, Diogenes I admire, Aristippus I
love. '

He lived to nearly a hundred, free from disease and pain, burdening
no man, asking no man's favour, serving his friends, and having no
enemies. Not Athens only, but all Greece was so in love with him
that as he passed the great would give him place and there would be
a general hush. Towards the end of his long life he would go
uninvited into the first house that offered, and there get his
dinner and his bed, the household regarding it as the visit of some
heavenly being which brought them a blessing. When they saw him go
by, the baker-wives would contend for the honour of supplying him,
and a happy woman was the actual donor. Children too used to call
him father, and bring him offerings of fruit.

Party spirit was once running high at Athens; he came into the
assembly, and his mere appearance was enough to still the storm.
When he saw that they were ashamed, he departed again without
having uttered a word.

When he found that he was no longer able to take care of himself,
he repeated to his friends the tag with which the heralds close the
festival:

The games are done,
The crowns all won;
No more delay,
But haste away,

and from that moment abstaining from food, left life as cheerfully
as he had lived it.

When the end was near, he was asked his wishes about burial. 'Oh,
do not trouble; scent will summon my undertakers. ' Well, but it
would be indecent for the body of so great a man to feed birds and
dogs. 'Oh, no harm in making oneself useful in death to anything
that lives. '

However, the Athenians gave him a magnificent public funeral, long
lamented him, worshipped and garlanded the stone seat on which he
had been wont to rest when tired, accounting the mere stone
sanctified by him who had sat upon it. No one would miss the
funeral ceremony, least of all any of the philosophers. It was
these who bore him to the grave.

I have made but a small selection of the material available; but it
may serve to give readers some idea of this great man's character.




A PORTRAIT-STUDY

_Lycinus. Polystratus_


_Ly_. Polystratus, I know now what men must have felt like
when they saw the Gorgon's head. I have just experienced the same
sensation, at the sight of a most lovely woman. A little more, and
I should have realized the legend, by being turned to stone; I am
benumbed with admiration.

_Poly_. Wonderful indeed must have been the beauty, and
terrible the power of the woman who could produce such an
impression on Lycinus. Tell me of this petrifying Medusa. Who is
she, and whence? I would see her myself. You will not grudge me
that privilege? Your jealousy will not take alarm at the prospect
of a rival petrifaction at your side?

_Ly_. Well, I give you fair warning: one distant glimpse of
her, and you are speechless, motionless as any statue. Nay, that is
a light affliction: the mortal wound is not dealt till _her_
glance has fallen on _you_. What can save you then? She will
lead you in chains, hither and thither, as the magnet draws the
steel.

_Poly_. Enough! You would make her more than human. And now
tell me who she is.

_Ly_. You think I am exaggerating: I fear you will have but a
poor opinion of my eloquence when you see her as she is--so far
above my praise. _Who_ she is, I cannot say: but to judge from
the splendour of her surroundings, her retinue, her host of eunuchs
and maids, she must be of no ordinary rank.

_Poly_. And you never even asked her name?

_Ly_. Why no; but she is from Ionia; because, as she passed, I
heard one of the bystanders speak aside to his neighbour: 'See, he
exclaimed, 'what Smyrna can produce! And what wonder, if the
fairest of Ionian cities has given birth to the fairest of women? '
I thought he must come from Smyrna himself, he was so proud of her.

_Poly_. There you acted your stony part to perfection. As you
could neither follow her, nor make inquiries of the Smyrnaean, it
only remains for you to describe her as best you can, on the chance
of my recognizing her.

_Ly_. You know not what you ask. It is not in the power of
words--certainly not of _my_ words--to portray such wondrous
beauty; scarcely could an Apelles, a Zeuxis, a Parrhasius,--a
Phidias or an Alcamenes, do justice to it; as for my flimsy
workmanship, it will but insult the original.

_Poly_. Well, never mind; what was she like? There can be no
harm in trying your hand. What if the portrait be somewhat out of
drawing? --the critic is your good friend.

_Ly_. I think my best way out of it will be to call in the aid
of some of the old masters I have named: let them fashion the
likeness for me.

_Poly_. Well, but--will they come? They have been dead so
long.

_Ly_. That is easily managed: but you must not mind answering
me a few questions.

_Poly_. You have but to ask.