No More Learning

He has a self-important look; is he some diviner?

TRYGAEUS. No, i' faith! 'tis Hierocles.

SERVANT. Ah! that oracle-monger from Oreus. [367] What is he going to tell
us?

TRYGAEUS. Evidently he is coming to oppose the peace.

SERVANT. No, 'tis the odour of the fat that attracts him.

TRYGAEUS. Let us appear not to see him.

SERVANT. Very well.

HIEROCLES. What sacrifice is this? to what god are you offering it?

TRYGAEUS (_to the servant_). Silence! --(_Aloud. _) Look after the roasting
and keep your hands off the meat.

HIEROCLES. To whom are you sacrificing? Answer me. Ah! the tail[368] is
showing favourable omens.

SERVANT. Aye, very favourable, oh, loved and mighty Peace!

HIEROCLES. Come, cut off the first offering[369] and make the oblation.

TRYGAEUS. 'Tis not roasted enough.

HIEROCLES. Yea, truly, 'tis done to a turn.

TRYGAEUS. Mind your own business, friend! (_To the servant. _) Cut away.
Where is the table? Bring the libations.

HIEROCLES. The tongue is cut separately.

TRYGAEUS. We know all that. But just listen to one piece of advice.

HIEROCLES. And that is?

TRYGAEUS. Don't talk, for 'tis divine Peace to whom we are sacrificing.

HIEROCLES. Oh! wretched mortals, oh, you idiots!

TRYGAEUS. Keep such ugly terms for yourself.

HIEROCLES. What! you are so ignorant you don't understand the will of the
gods and you make a treaty, you, who are men, with apes, who are full of
malice! [370]

TRYGAEUS. Ha, ha, ha!

HIEROCLES. What are you laughing at?

TRYGAEUS. Ha, ha! your apes amuse me!

HIEROCLES. You simple pigeons, you trust yourselves to foxes, who are all
craft, both in mind and heart.

TRYGAEUS. Oh, you trouble-maker! may your lungs get as hot as this meat!

HIEROCLES. Nay, nay! if only the Nymphs had not fooled Bacis, and Bacis
mortal men; and if the Nymphs had not tricked Bacis a second
time[371]. . . .

TRYGAEUS. May the plague seize you, if you won't stop wearying us with
your Bacis!

HIEROCLES. . . . it would not have been written in the book of Fate that
the bonds of Peace must be broken; but first. . . .

TRYGAEUS. The meat must be dusted with salt.

HIEROCLES. . . . it does not please the blessed gods that we should stop
the War until the wolf uniteth with the sheep.

TRYGAEUS. How, you cursed animal, could the wolf ever unite with the
sheep?

HIEROCLES. As long as the wood-bug gives off a fetid odour, when it
flies; as long as the noisy bitch is forced by nature to litter blind
pups, so long shall peace be forbidden.

TRYGAEUS. Then what should be done? Not to stop the War would be to leave
it to the decision of chance which of the two people should suffer the
most, whereas by uniting under a treaty, we share the empire of Greece.

HIEROCLES. You will never make the crab walk straight.

TRYGAEUS. You shall no longer be fed at the Prytaneum; the war done,
oracles are not wanted.

HIEROCLES. You will never smooth the rough spikes of the hedgehog.

TRYGAEUS. Will you never stop fooling the Athenians?

HIEROCLES. What oracle ordered you to burn these joints of mutton in
honour of the gods?

TRYGAEUS. This grand oracle of Homer's: "Thus vanished the dark
war-clouds and we offered a sacrifice to new-born Peace. When the flame
had consumed the thighs of the victim and its inwards had appeased our
hunger, we poured out the libations of wine. " 'Twas I who arranged the
sacred rites, but none offered the shining cup to the diviner. [372]

HIEROCLES. I care little for that. 'Tis not the Sibyl who spoke it. [373]

TRYGAEUS. Wise Homer has also said: "He who delights in the horrors of
civil war has neither country nor laws nor home. " What noble words!

HIEROCLES. Beware lest the kite turn your brain and rob. . . .

TRYGAEUS. Look out, slave! This oracle threatens our meat. Quick, pour
the libation, and give me some of the inwards.

HIEROCLES. I too will help myself to a bit, if you like.

TRYGAEUS. The libation! the libation!

HIEROCLES. Pour out also for me and give me some of this meat.

TRYGAEUS. No, the blessed gods won't allow it yet; let us drink; and as
for you, get you gone, for 'tis their will. Mighty Peace! stay ever in
our midst.

HIEROCLES. Bring the tongue hither.

TRYGAEUS. Relieve us of your own.

HIEROCLES. The libation.

TRYGAEUS. Here! and this into the bargain (_strikes him_).

HIEROCLES. You will not give me any meat?

TRYGAEUS. We cannot give you any until the wolf unites with the sheep.

HIEROCLES. I will embrace your knees.

TRYGAEUS. 'Tis lost labour, good fellow; you will never smooth the rough
spikes of the hedgehog. . . . Come, spectators, join us in our feast.

HIEROCLES. And what am I to do?

TRYGAEUS. You? go and eat the Sibyl.

HIEROCLES. No, by the Earth! no, you shall not eat without me; if you do
not give, I take; 'tis common property.

TRYGAEUS (_to the servant_). Strike, strike this Bacis, this humbugging
soothsayer.

HIEROCLES. I take to witness. . . .

TRYGAEUS. And I also, that you are a glutton and an impostor. Hold him
tight and beat the impostor with a stick.

SERVANT. You look to that; I will snatch the skin from him, which he has
stolen from us. [374] Are you going to let go that skin, you priest from
hell! do you hear! Oh! what a fine crow has come from Oreus! Stretch your
wings quickly for Elymnium. [375]

CHORUS. Oh! joy, joy! no more helmet, no more cheese nor onions! [376] No,
I have no passion for battles; what I love, is to drink with good
comrades in the corner by the fire when good dry wood, cut in the height
of the summer, is crackling; it is to cook pease on the coals and
beechnuts among the embers; 'tis to kiss our pretty Thracian[377] while
my wife is at the bath. Nothing is more pleasing, when the rain is
sprouting our sowings, than to chat with some friend, saying, "Tell me,
Comarchides, what shall we do? I would willingly drink myself, while the
heavens are watering our fields. Come, wife, cook three measures of
beans, adding to them a little wheat, and give us some figs. Syra! call
Manes off the fields, 'tis impossible to prune the vine or to align the
ridges, for the ground is too wet to-day. Let someone bring me the thrush
and those two chaffinches; there were also some curds and four pieces of
hare, unless the cat stole them last evening, for I know not what the
infernal noise was that I heard in the house. Serve up three of the
pieces for me, slave, and give the fourth to my father. Go and ask
Aeschinades for some myrtle branches with berries on them, and then, for
'tis the same road, you will invite Charinades to come and drink with me
to the honour of the gods who watch over our crops.
"

When the grasshopper sings its dulcet tune, I love to see the Lemnian
vines beginning to ripen, for 'tis the earliest plant of all. I love
likewise to watch the fig filling out, and when it has reached maturity I
eat with appreciation and exclaim, "Oh! delightful season! " Then too I
bruise some thyme and infuse it in water. Indeed I grow a great deal
fatter passing the summer this way than in watching a cursed captain with
his three plumes and his military cloak of a startling crimson (he calls
it true Sardian purple), which he takes care to dye himself with Cyzicus
saffron in a battle; then he is the first to run away, shaking his plumes
like a great yellow prancing cock,[378] while I am left to watch the
nets. [379] Once back again in Athens, these brave fellows behave
abominably; they write down these, they scratch through others, and this
backwards and forwards two or three times at random. The departure is set
for to-morrow, and some citizen has brought no provisions, because he
didn't know he had to go; he stops in front of the statue of
Pandion,[380] reads his name, is dumbfounded and starts away at a run,
weeping bitter tears. The townsfolk are less ill-used, but that is how
the husbandmen are treated by these men of war, the hated of the gods and
of men, who know nothing but how to throw away their shield. For this
reason, if it please heaven, I propose to call these rascals to account,
for they are lions in times of peace, but sneaking foxes when it comes to
fighting.

TRYGAEUS. Oh! oh! what a crowd for the nuptial feast! Here! dust the
tables with this crest, which is good for nothing else now. Halloa!
produce the cakes, the thrushes, plenty of good jugged hare and the
little loaves.

A SICKLE-MAKER. Trygaeus, where is Trygaeus?

TRYGAEUS. I am cooking the thrushes.

SICKLE-MAKER. Trygaeus, my best of friends, what a fine stroke of
business you have done for me by bringing back Peace! Formerly my sickles
would not have sold at an obolus apiece, to-day I am being paid fifty
drachmas for every one. And here is a neighbour who is selling his casks
for the country at three drachmae each. So come, Trygaeus, take as many
sickles and casks as you will for nothing. Accept them for nothing; 'tis
because of our handsome profits on our sales that we offer you these
wedding presents.

TRYGAEUS. Thanks. Put them all down inside there, and come along quick to
the banquet. Ah! do you see that armourer yonder coming with a wry face?

A CREST-MAKER. Alas! alas! Trygaeus, you have ruined me utterly.

TRYGAEUS. What! won't the crests go any more, friend?

CREST-MAKER. You have killed my business, my livelihood, and that of this
poor lance-maker too.

TRYGAEUS. Come, come, what are you asking for these two crests?

CREST-MAKER. What do you bid for them?

TRYGAEUS. What do I bid? Oh! I am ashamed to say. Still, as the clasp is
of good workmanship, I would give two, even three measures of dried figs;
I could use 'em for dusting the table.

CREST-MAKER. All right, tell them to bring me the dried figs; 'tis always
better than nothing.

TRYGAEUS. Take them away, be off with your crests and get you gone; they
are moulting, they are losing all their hair; I would not give a single
fig for them.

A BREASTPLATE-MAKER. Good gods, what am I going to do with this fine
ten-minae breast-plate, which is so splendidly made?

TRYGAEUS. Oh, you will lose nothing over it.

BREASTPLATE-MAKER. I will sell it you at cost price.

TRYGAEUS. 'Twould be very useful as a night-stool. . . .

BREASTPLATE-MAKER. Cease your insults, both to me and my wares.

TRYGAEUS. . . . if propped on three stones. Look, 'tis admirable.

BREASTPLATE-MAKER. But how can you wipe, idiot?

TRYGAEUS. I can pass one hand through here, and the other there, and
so. . . .

BREASTPLATE-MAKER. What! do you wipe with both hands?

TRYGAEUS. Aye, so that I may not be accused of robbing the State, by
blocking up an oar-hole in the galley. [381]

BREASTPLATE-MAKER. So you would pay ten minae[382] for a night-stool?

TRYGAEUS. Undoubtedly, you rascal. Do you think I would sell my rump for
a thousand drachmae? [383]

BREASTPLATE-MAKER. Come, have the money paid over to me.

TRYGAEUS. No, friend; I find it hurts me to sit on. Take it away, I won't
buy.

A TRUMPET-MAKER. What is to be done with this trumpet, for which I gave
sixty drachmae the other day?

TRYGAEUS. Pour lead into the hollow and fit a good, long stick to the
top; and you will have a balanced cottabos. [384]

TRUMPET-MAKER. Ha! would you mock me?

TRYGAEUS. Well, here's another notion. Pour in lead as I said, add here a
dish hung on strings, and you will have a balance for weighing the figs
which you give your slaves in the fields.

A HELMET-MAKER. Cursed fate! I am ruined. Here are helmets, for which I
gave a mina each. What am I to do with them? who will buy them?

TRYGAEUS. Go and sell them to the Egyptians; they will do for measuring
loosening medicines. [385]

A SPEAR-MAKER. Ah! poor helmet-maker, things are indeed in a bad way.

TRYGAEUS. That man has no cause for complaint.

SPEAR-MAKER. But helmets will be no more used.

TRYGAEUS. Let him learn to fit a handle to them and he can sell them for
more money. [386]

SPEAR-MAKER. Let us be off, comrade.

TRYGAEUS. No, I want to buy these spears.

SPEAR-MAKER. What will you give?

TRYGAEUS. If they could be split in two, I would take them at a drachma
per hundred to use as vine-props.

SPEAR-MAKER. The insolent dog! Let us go, friend.

TRYGAEUS. Ah! here come the guests, children from the table to relieve
themselves; I fancy they also want to hum over what they will be singing
presently. Hi! child! what do you reckon to sing? Stand there and give me
the opening line.

THE SON OF LAMACHUS. "Glory to the young warriors. . . . "

TRYGAEUS. Oh! leave off about your young warriors, you little wretch; we
are at peace and you are an idiot and a rascal.

SON OF LAMACHUS. "The skirmish begins, the hollow bucklers clash against
each other. "[387]

TRYGAEUS. Bucklers! Leave me in peace with your bucklers.

SON OF LAMACHUS. "And then there came groanings and shouts of victory. "

TRYGAEUS. Groanings! ah! by Bacchus! look out for yourself, you cursed
squaller, if you start wearying us again with your groanings and hollow
bucklers.

SON OF LAMACHUS. Then what should I sing? Tell me what pleases you.

TRYGAEUS. "'Tis thus they feasted on the flesh of oxen," or something
similar, as, for instance, "Everything that could tickle the palate was
placed on the table. "

SON OF LAMACHUS. "'Tis thus they feasted on the flesh of oxen and, tired
of warfare, unharnessed their foaming steeds. "

TRYGAEUS. That's splendid; tired of warfare, they seat themselves at
table; sing, sing to us how they still go on eating after they are
satiated.

SON OF LAMACHUS. "The meal over, they girded themselves . . . "

TRYGAEUS. With good wine, no doubt?

SON OF LAMACHUS. ". . . with armour and rushed forth from the towers, and a
terrible shout arose. "

TRYGAEUS. Get you gone, you little scapegrace, you and your battles! You
sing of nothing but warfare. Who is your father then?

SON OF LAMACHUS. My father?

TRYGAEUS. Why yes, your father.

SON OF LAMACHUS. I am Lamachus' son.

TRYGAEUS. Oh! oh! I could indeed have sworn, when I was listening to you,
that you were the son of some warrior who dreams of nothing but wounds
and bruises, of some Boulomachus or Clausimachus;[388] go and sing your
plaguey songs to the spearmen. . . . Where is the son of Cleonymus? Sing me
something before going back to the feast. I am at least certain he will
not sing of battles, for his father is far too careful a man.

SON OF CLEONYMUS.