_ Yes, sir,
methought
the house was all a-fire, as it were.
Thomas Otway
_ And when shall we sign them?
_Sylv. _ Why, this morning, as soon as the ten o'clock office in
Covent-garden is open.
_Cour. _ A bargain; but how will you answer your entertainment
of a drunken red-coat in your lodgings at these unseasonable
hours?
_Sylv. _ That's a secret you will be hereafter obliged to keep
for your own sake; and for the family, your friend Beaugard
shall answer for us there.
_Cour. _ Indeed I fancied the rogue had mischief in his head,
he behaved himself so soberly last night: has he taken a farm
lately too?
_Sylv. _ A trespasser, I believe, if the truth were known, upon
the provender you would fain have been biting at just now.
_Re-enter_ Maid.
_Maid. _ Madam, madam, have a care of yourself: I see lights in
the great hall; whatever is the matter, Sir Davy and all the
family are up.
_Cour. _ I hope they'll come, and catch me here: well, now you
have brought me into this condition, what will you do with me,
ha?
_Sylv. _ You won't be contented for awhile to be tied up like a
jade to an empty rack without hay, will you?
_Cour. _ Faith, e'en take me, and put thy mark upon me quickly,
that if I light into strange hands they may know me for a sheep
of thine.
_Sylv. _ What, by your wanting a fleece do you mean? If it must
be so, come follow your shepherdess. Ba-a-a! [_Exeunt. _
[Illustration]
SCENE II. --_A Room in_ Sir DAVY DUNCE'S _House_.
_Enter_ Sir DAVY DUNCE _and_ VERMIN.
_Sir Dav. _ I cannot sleep, I shall never sleep again: I have
prayed too so long, that were I to be hanged presently, I have
never a prayer left to help myself: I was no sooner lain down
upon the bed just now, and fallen into a slumber, but methought
the devil was carrying me down Ludgate-hill a-gallop, six
puny fiends with flaming fire-forks running before him like
link-boys, to throw me headlong into Fleetditch, which seemed
to be turned into a lake of fire and brimstone: would it were
morning!
_Ver. _ Truly, sir, it has been a very dismal night.
_Sir Dav. _ But didst thou meet never a white thing upon the
stairs?
_Ver. _ No, sir, not I; but methoughts I saw our great dog
Towzer, with his brass collar on, stand at the cellar-door as I
came along the old entry.
_Sir Dav. _ It could never be: Towzer has a chain; had this
thing a chain on?
_Ver. _ No, sir, no chain, but it had Towzer's eyes for all the
world.
_Sir Dav. _ What, ugly, great, frightful eyes?
_Ver. _ Ay, ay, huge saucer eyes, but mightily like Towzer's.
_Sir Dav. _ O Lord! O Lord! hark! hark!
_Ver. _ What? what I beseech you, sir?
_Sir Dav. _ What's that upon the stairs? Didst thou hear
nothing? Hist, hark, pat, pat, pat, hark, hey!
_Ver. _ Hear nothing! where, sir?
_Sir Dav. _ Look! look! what's that? what's that in the corner
there?
_Ver. _ Where?
_Sir Dav. _ There.
_Ver. _ What, upon the iron chest?
_Sir Dav. _ No, the long black thing up by the old clock-case.
See! see! now it stirs, and is coming this way.
_Ver. _ Alas, sir, speak to it--you are a justice o' peace--I
beseech you. I dare not stay in the house: I'll call the watch,
and tell 'em hell's broke loose; what shall I do? oh! [_Exit. _
_Sir Dav. _ O Vermin, if thou art a true servant, have pity on
thy master, and do not forsake me in this distressed condition.
Satan, begone! I defy thee. I'll repent and be saved, I'll say
my prayers, I'll go to church; help! help! help! Was there
anything or no? in what hole shall I hide myself? [_Exit. _
_Enter_ Sir JOLLY, FOURBIN, _and_ BLOODY-BONES.
_Sir Jol. _ That should be Sir Davy's voice; the waiting-woman,
indeed, told me he was afraid and could not sleep. Pretty
fellows, pretty fellows both; you've done your business
handsomely; what, I'll warrant you have been a-whoring together
now; ha! You do well, you do well, I like you the better for't;
what's o'clock?
_Four. _ Near four, sir; 'twill not be day yet these two hours.
_Sir Jol. _ Very well, but how got ye into the house?
_Four. _ A ragged retainer of the family, Vermin I think they
call him, let us in as physicians sent for by your order.
_Sir Jol. _ Excellent rogues! and then I hope all things are
ready, as I gave directions?
_Four. _ To a tittle, sir; there shall not be a more critical
observer of your worship's pleasure than your humble servant
the Chevalier Fourbin.
_Sir Jol. _ Get you gone, you rogue, you have a sharp nose, and
are a nimble fellow; I have no more to say to you, stand aside,
and be ready when I call: here he comes; hist, hem, hem, hem.
[_Exeunt_ FOURBIN _and_ BLOODY-BONES.
_Re-enter_ Sir DAVY DUNCE.
_Sir Dav. _ Ha! what art thou?
Approach thou like the rugged Bankside bear,
The East-cheap bull, or monster shown in fair,--
Take any shape but that, and I'll confront thee!
_Sir Jol. _ Alas, unhappy man! I am thy friend.
_Sir Dav. _ Thou canst not be my friend, for I defy thee. Sir
Jolly! neighbour! ha! is it you? are you sure it is you? are
you yourself? if you be, give me your hand. Alas-a-day, I ha'
seen the devil.
_Sir Jol. _ The devil, neighbour?
_Sir Dav. _ Ay, ay, there's no help for't; at first I fancied
it was a young white bear's cub dancing in the shadow of my
candle; then it was turned to a pair of blue breeches with
wooden legs on, stamped about the room, as if all the cripples
in town had kept their rendezvous there; when all of a sudden,
it appeared like a leathern serpent, and with a dreadful clap
of thunder flew out of the window.
_Sir Jol. _ Thunder! why, I heard no thunder.
_Sir Dav. _ That may be too; what, were you asleep?
_Sir Jol. _ Asleep, quoth-a? no, no; no sleeping this night for
me, I assure you.
_Sir Dav. _ Well, what's the best news then? How does the man?
_Sir Jol. _ Even as he did before he was born nothing at all;
he's dead.
_Sir Dav. _ Dead! what, quite dead?
_Sir Jol. _ As good as dead, if not quite dead; 'twas a horrid
murder! and then the terror of conscience, neighbour.
_Sir Dav. _ And truly I have a very terrified one, friend,
though I never found I had any conscience at all till now. Pray
whereabout was his death's-wound?
_Sir Jol. _ Just here, just under his left pap, a dreadful gash.
_Sir Dav. _ So very wide?
_Sir Jol. _ Oh, as wide as my hat; you might have seen his
lungs, liver, and heart, as perfectly as if you had been in his
belly.
_Sir Dav. _ Is there no way to have him privately buried, and
conceal this murder? Must I needs be hanged by the neck like a
dog, neighbour? Do I look as if I would be hanged?
_Sir Jol. _ Truly, Sir Davy, I must deal faithfully with you,
you do look a little suspiciously at present; but have you seen
the devil, say you?
_Sir Dav. _ Ay, surely it was the devil, nothing else could have
frighted me so.
_Sir Jol. _ Bless us, and guard us all the angels! what's that?
_Sir Dav. _ "Potestati sempiternæ cujus benevolentiâ servantur
gentes, et cujus misericordiâ"--
[_Kneels, holding up his hands, and muttering as if he prayed. _
_Sir Jol. _ Neighbour, where are you, friend, Sir Davy?
_Sir Dav. _ Ah, whatever you do, be sure to stand close to me:
where, where is it?
_Sir Jol. _ Just, just there, in the shape of a coach and six
horses against the wall.
_Sir Dav. _ Deliver us all! he won't carry me away in that coach
and six, will he?
_Sir Jol. _ Do you see it? [_Exit. _
_Sir Dav. _ See it! plain, plain: dear friend, advise me what
I shall do: Sir Jolly, Sir Jolly, do you hear nothing? Sir
Jolly--ha! has he left me alone, Vermin?
_Ver. _ Sir.
_Sir Dav. _ Am I alive? Dost thou know me again? Am I thy
quondam master, Sir Davy Dunce?
_Ver. _ I hope I shall never forget you, sir.
_Sir Dav. _ Didst thou see nothing?
_Ver.
_ Yes, sir, methought the house was all a-fire, as it were.
_Sir Dav. _ Didst thou not see how the devils grinned and
gnashed their teeth at me, Vermin?
_Ver. _ Alas, sir, I was afraid one of 'em would have bit off my
nose, as he vanished out of the door.
_Sir Dav. _ Lead me away, I'll go to my wife, I'll die by my
own dear wife. Run away to the Temple, and call Counsellor, my
lawyer; I'll make over my estate presently, I shan't live till
noon; I'll give all I have to my wife. Ha, Vermin!
_Ver. _ Truly, sir, she's a very good lady.
_Sir Dav. _ Ah, much, much too good for me, Vermin; thou canst
not imagine what she has done for me, man; she would break her
heart if I should give any thing away from her, she loves me so
dearly. Yet if I do die, thou shalt have all my old shoes.
_Ver. _ I hope to see you live many a fair day yet though.
_Sir Dav. _ Ah, my wife, my poor wife! lead me to my poor wife.
[_Exeunt. _
[Illustration]
SCENE III. --Lady DUNCE'S _Chamber_.
Lady DUNCE _and_ BEAUGARD _discovered_.
_L. Dunce. _ What think you now of a cold wet march over the
mountains, your men tired, your baggage not come up, but at
night a dirty watery plain to encamp upon, and nothing to
shelter you, but an old leaguer cloak as tattered as your
colours? Is not this much better, now, than lying wet, and
getting the sciatica?
_Beau. _ The hopes of this made all fatigue easy to me; the
thoughts of Clarinda have a thousand times refreshed me in my
solitude. Whene'er I marched, I fancied still it was to my
Clarinda; when I fought, I imagined it was for my Clarinda; but
when I came home, and found Clarinda lost! --How could you think
of wasting but a night in the rank, surfeiting arms of this
foul-feeding monster, this rotten trunk of a man, that lays
claim to you?
_L. Dunce. _ The persuasion of friends, and the authority of
parents.
_Beau. _ And had you no more grace than to be ruled by a father
and mother?
_L. Dunce. _ When you were gone, that should have given me
better counsel, how could I help myself?
_Beau. _ Methinks, then, you might have found out some cleanlier
shift to have thrown away yourself upon than nauseous old age,
and unwholesome deformity.
_L. Dunce. _ What, upon some over-grown, full-fed country fool,
with a horse-face, a great ugly head, and a great fine estate;
one that should have been drained and squeezed, and jolted up
and down the town in hackneys with cheats and hectors, and so
sent home at three o'clock every morning, like a lolling booby,
stinking, with a belly-full of stummed wine,[52] and nothing
in's pockets?
_Beau. _ You might have made a tractable beast of such a one; he
would have been young enough for training.
_L. Dunce. _ Is youth then so gentle, if age be stubborn? Young
men, like springs wrought by a subtle workman, easily ply to
what their wishes press them; but the desire once gone that
kept them down, they soon start straight again, and no sign's
left which way they bent before.
_Sir Jol. _ [_At the door peeping. _] So, so, who says I see
anything now? I see nothing, not I; I don't see, I don't see, I
don't look, not so much as look, not I. [_He enters. _
_Enter_ Sir DAVY DUNCE.
_Sir Dav. _ I will have my wife, carry me to my wife, let me go
to my wife, I'll live and die with my wife, let the devil do
his worst; ah, my wife, my wife, my wife!
_L. Dunce. _ [_To_ BEAUGARD. ] Alas! alas! we are ruined! shift
for yourself; counterfeit the dead corpse once more, or
anything.
_Sir Dav. _ Ha! whosoe'er thou art thou canst not eat me! speak
to me, who has done this? Thou canst not say I did it.
_Sir Jol. _ Did it? did what? Here's nobody says you did
anything that I know, neighbour; what's the matter with you?
what ails you? whither do you go? whither do you run? I tell
you here's nobody says a word to you.
_Sir Dav. _ Did you not see the ghost just now?
_Sir Jol. _ Ghost! pr'ythee now, here's no ghost; whither would
you go? I tell you, you shall not stir one foot farther, man;
the devil take me if you do. Ghost! pr'ythee, here's no ghost
at all; a little flesh and blood, indeed, there is, some old,
some young, some alive, some dead, and so forth; but ghost!
pish, here's no ghost.
_Sir Dav. _ But, sir, if I say I did see a ghost, I did see a
ghost, an you go to that; why, sure I know a ghost when I see
one. Ah, my dear, if thou hadst but seen the devil half so
often as I have seen him!
_L. Dunce. _ Alas, Sir Davy! if you ever loved me, come not, oh,
come not near me; I have resolved to waste the short remainder
of my life in penitence, and taste of joys no more.
_Sir Dav. _ Alas, my poor child! But do you think there was no
ghost indeed?
_Sir Jol. _ Ghost! Alas-a-day, what should a ghost do here?
_Sir Dav. _ And is the man dead?
_Sir Jol. _ Dead! ay, ay, stark dead, he's stiff by this time.
_L. Dunce. _ Here you may see the horrid ghastly spectacle,
the sad effects of my too rigid virtue, and your too fierce
resentment--
_Sir Jol. _ Do you see there?
_Sir Dav. _ Ay, ay, I do see; would I had never seen him; would
he had lain with my wife in every house between Charing Cross
and Aldgate, so this had never happened!
_Sir Jol. _ In truth, and would he had! but we are all mortal,
neighbour, all mortal; to-day we are here, to-morrow gone; like
the shadow that vanisheth, like the grass that withereth, or
like the flower that fadeth; or indeed like anything, or rather
like nothing: but we are all mortal.
_Sir Dav. _ Heigh!
_L. Dunce. _ Down, down that trap-door, it goes into a
bathing-room; for the rest, leave it to my conduct.
[BEAUGARD _descends_.
_Sir Jol. _ 'Tis very unfortunate that you should run yourself
into this _premunire_,[53] Sir Davy.
_Sir Dav. _ Indeed, and so it is.
_Sir Jol. _ For a gentleman, a man in authority, a person in
years, one that used to go to church with his neighbours.
_Sir Dav. _ Every Sunday truly, Sir Jolly.
_Sir Jol. _ Pay scot and lot to the parish.
_Sir Dav. _ Six pounds a year to the very poor, without
abatement or deduction: 'tis very hard if so good a
commonwealth's-man should be brought to ride in a cart at last,
and be hanged in a sunshiny morning to make butchers and suburb
apprentices a holiday; I'll e'en run away.
_Sir Jol. _ Run away! why then your estate will be forfeited;
you'll lose your estate, man.
_Sir Dav. _ Truly you say right, friend; and a man had better be
half-hanged than lose his estate, you know.
_Sir Jol. _ Hanged! no, no, I think there's no great fear
of hanging neither: what, the fellow was but a sort of an
unaccountable fellow, as I heard you say.
_Sir Dav. _ Ay, ay, pox on him, he was a soldierly sort of a
vagabond; he had little or nothing but his sins to live upon:
if I could have had but patience, he would have been hanged
within these two months, and all this mischief saved.
[BEAUGARD _rises up like a ghost at the_
_trap-door, just before_ Sir DAVY.
O Lord! the devil, the devil, the devil! [_Falls upon his face. _
_Sir Jol. _ Why, Sir Davy, Sir Davy, what ails you? what's the
matter with you?
_Sir Dav. _ Let me alone, let me lie still; I will not look up
to see an angel; oh-h-h!
_L. Dunce. _ My dear, why do you do these cruel things to
affright me? Pray rise and speak to me.
_Sir Dav. _ I dare not stir; I saw the ghost again just now.
_L. Dunce. _ Ghost again! what ghost? where?
_Sir Dav. _ Why, there! there!
_Sir Jol. _ Here has been no ghost.
_Sir Dav. _ Why, did you see nothing then?
_L. Dunce. _ See nothing! no, nothing but one another.
_Sir Dav. _ Then I am enchanted, or my end is near at hand,
neighbour; for Heaven's sake, neighbour, advise me what I shall
do to be at rest.
_Sir Jol. _ Do! why, what think you if the body were removed?
_Sir Dav. _ Removed! I'd give a hundred pound the body were out
of my house; may be then the devil would not be so impudent.
_Sir Jol. _ I have discovered a door-place in the wall betwixt
my lady's chamber and one that belongs to me; if you think fit
we'll beat it down, and remove this troublesome lump of earth
to my house.
_Sir Dav. _ But will you be so kind?
_Sir Jol. _ If you think it may by any means be serviceable to
you.
_Sir Dav. _ Truly, if the body were removed, and disposed of
privately, that no more might be heard of the matter--I hope
he'll be as good as his word. [_Aside. _
_Sir Jol. _ Fear nothing, I'll warrant you; but in troth I had
utterly forgot one thing, utterly forgot it.
_Sir Dav. _ What's that?
_Sir Jol. _ Why, it will be absolutely necessary that your lady
stayed with me at my house for one day, till things were better
settled.
_Sir Dav. _ Ah, Sir Jolly! whatever you think fit; anything of
mine that you have a mind to; pray take her, pray take her, you
shall be very welcome. Hear you, my dearest, there is but one
way for us to get rid of this untoward business, and Sir Jolly
has found it out; therefore by all means go along with him, and
be ruled by him; and whatever Sir Jolly would have thee do,
e'en do it: so Heaven prosper ye, good-bye, good-bye, till I
see you again. [_Exit.
_Sylv. _ Why, this morning, as soon as the ten o'clock office in
Covent-garden is open.
_Cour. _ A bargain; but how will you answer your entertainment
of a drunken red-coat in your lodgings at these unseasonable
hours?
_Sylv. _ That's a secret you will be hereafter obliged to keep
for your own sake; and for the family, your friend Beaugard
shall answer for us there.
_Cour. _ Indeed I fancied the rogue had mischief in his head,
he behaved himself so soberly last night: has he taken a farm
lately too?
_Sylv. _ A trespasser, I believe, if the truth were known, upon
the provender you would fain have been biting at just now.
_Re-enter_ Maid.
_Maid. _ Madam, madam, have a care of yourself: I see lights in
the great hall; whatever is the matter, Sir Davy and all the
family are up.
_Cour. _ I hope they'll come, and catch me here: well, now you
have brought me into this condition, what will you do with me,
ha?
_Sylv. _ You won't be contented for awhile to be tied up like a
jade to an empty rack without hay, will you?
_Cour. _ Faith, e'en take me, and put thy mark upon me quickly,
that if I light into strange hands they may know me for a sheep
of thine.
_Sylv. _ What, by your wanting a fleece do you mean? If it must
be so, come follow your shepherdess. Ba-a-a! [_Exeunt. _
[Illustration]
SCENE II. --_A Room in_ Sir DAVY DUNCE'S _House_.
_Enter_ Sir DAVY DUNCE _and_ VERMIN.
_Sir Dav. _ I cannot sleep, I shall never sleep again: I have
prayed too so long, that were I to be hanged presently, I have
never a prayer left to help myself: I was no sooner lain down
upon the bed just now, and fallen into a slumber, but methought
the devil was carrying me down Ludgate-hill a-gallop, six
puny fiends with flaming fire-forks running before him like
link-boys, to throw me headlong into Fleetditch, which seemed
to be turned into a lake of fire and brimstone: would it were
morning!
_Ver. _ Truly, sir, it has been a very dismal night.
_Sir Dav. _ But didst thou meet never a white thing upon the
stairs?
_Ver. _ No, sir, not I; but methoughts I saw our great dog
Towzer, with his brass collar on, stand at the cellar-door as I
came along the old entry.
_Sir Dav. _ It could never be: Towzer has a chain; had this
thing a chain on?
_Ver. _ No, sir, no chain, but it had Towzer's eyes for all the
world.
_Sir Dav. _ What, ugly, great, frightful eyes?
_Ver. _ Ay, ay, huge saucer eyes, but mightily like Towzer's.
_Sir Dav. _ O Lord! O Lord! hark! hark!
_Ver. _ What? what I beseech you, sir?
_Sir Dav. _ What's that upon the stairs? Didst thou hear
nothing? Hist, hark, pat, pat, pat, hark, hey!
_Ver. _ Hear nothing! where, sir?
_Sir Dav. _ Look! look! what's that? what's that in the corner
there?
_Ver. _ Where?
_Sir Dav. _ There.
_Ver. _ What, upon the iron chest?
_Sir Dav. _ No, the long black thing up by the old clock-case.
See! see! now it stirs, and is coming this way.
_Ver. _ Alas, sir, speak to it--you are a justice o' peace--I
beseech you. I dare not stay in the house: I'll call the watch,
and tell 'em hell's broke loose; what shall I do? oh! [_Exit. _
_Sir Dav. _ O Vermin, if thou art a true servant, have pity on
thy master, and do not forsake me in this distressed condition.
Satan, begone! I defy thee. I'll repent and be saved, I'll say
my prayers, I'll go to church; help! help! help! Was there
anything or no? in what hole shall I hide myself? [_Exit. _
_Enter_ Sir JOLLY, FOURBIN, _and_ BLOODY-BONES.
_Sir Jol. _ That should be Sir Davy's voice; the waiting-woman,
indeed, told me he was afraid and could not sleep. Pretty
fellows, pretty fellows both; you've done your business
handsomely; what, I'll warrant you have been a-whoring together
now; ha! You do well, you do well, I like you the better for't;
what's o'clock?
_Four. _ Near four, sir; 'twill not be day yet these two hours.
_Sir Jol. _ Very well, but how got ye into the house?
_Four. _ A ragged retainer of the family, Vermin I think they
call him, let us in as physicians sent for by your order.
_Sir Jol. _ Excellent rogues! and then I hope all things are
ready, as I gave directions?
_Four. _ To a tittle, sir; there shall not be a more critical
observer of your worship's pleasure than your humble servant
the Chevalier Fourbin.
_Sir Jol. _ Get you gone, you rogue, you have a sharp nose, and
are a nimble fellow; I have no more to say to you, stand aside,
and be ready when I call: here he comes; hist, hem, hem, hem.
[_Exeunt_ FOURBIN _and_ BLOODY-BONES.
_Re-enter_ Sir DAVY DUNCE.
_Sir Dav. _ Ha! what art thou?
Approach thou like the rugged Bankside bear,
The East-cheap bull, or monster shown in fair,--
Take any shape but that, and I'll confront thee!
_Sir Jol. _ Alas, unhappy man! I am thy friend.
_Sir Dav. _ Thou canst not be my friend, for I defy thee. Sir
Jolly! neighbour! ha! is it you? are you sure it is you? are
you yourself? if you be, give me your hand. Alas-a-day, I ha'
seen the devil.
_Sir Jol. _ The devil, neighbour?
_Sir Dav. _ Ay, ay, there's no help for't; at first I fancied
it was a young white bear's cub dancing in the shadow of my
candle; then it was turned to a pair of blue breeches with
wooden legs on, stamped about the room, as if all the cripples
in town had kept their rendezvous there; when all of a sudden,
it appeared like a leathern serpent, and with a dreadful clap
of thunder flew out of the window.
_Sir Jol. _ Thunder! why, I heard no thunder.
_Sir Dav. _ That may be too; what, were you asleep?
_Sir Jol. _ Asleep, quoth-a? no, no; no sleeping this night for
me, I assure you.
_Sir Dav. _ Well, what's the best news then? How does the man?
_Sir Jol. _ Even as he did before he was born nothing at all;
he's dead.
_Sir Dav. _ Dead! what, quite dead?
_Sir Jol. _ As good as dead, if not quite dead; 'twas a horrid
murder! and then the terror of conscience, neighbour.
_Sir Dav. _ And truly I have a very terrified one, friend,
though I never found I had any conscience at all till now. Pray
whereabout was his death's-wound?
_Sir Jol. _ Just here, just under his left pap, a dreadful gash.
_Sir Dav. _ So very wide?
_Sir Jol. _ Oh, as wide as my hat; you might have seen his
lungs, liver, and heart, as perfectly as if you had been in his
belly.
_Sir Dav. _ Is there no way to have him privately buried, and
conceal this murder? Must I needs be hanged by the neck like a
dog, neighbour? Do I look as if I would be hanged?
_Sir Jol. _ Truly, Sir Davy, I must deal faithfully with you,
you do look a little suspiciously at present; but have you seen
the devil, say you?
_Sir Dav. _ Ay, surely it was the devil, nothing else could have
frighted me so.
_Sir Jol. _ Bless us, and guard us all the angels! what's that?
_Sir Dav. _ "Potestati sempiternæ cujus benevolentiâ servantur
gentes, et cujus misericordiâ"--
[_Kneels, holding up his hands, and muttering as if he prayed. _
_Sir Jol. _ Neighbour, where are you, friend, Sir Davy?
_Sir Dav. _ Ah, whatever you do, be sure to stand close to me:
where, where is it?
_Sir Jol. _ Just, just there, in the shape of a coach and six
horses against the wall.
_Sir Dav. _ Deliver us all! he won't carry me away in that coach
and six, will he?
_Sir Jol. _ Do you see it? [_Exit. _
_Sir Dav. _ See it! plain, plain: dear friend, advise me what
I shall do: Sir Jolly, Sir Jolly, do you hear nothing? Sir
Jolly--ha! has he left me alone, Vermin?
_Ver. _ Sir.
_Sir Dav. _ Am I alive? Dost thou know me again? Am I thy
quondam master, Sir Davy Dunce?
_Ver. _ I hope I shall never forget you, sir.
_Sir Dav. _ Didst thou see nothing?
_Ver.
_ Yes, sir, methought the house was all a-fire, as it were.
_Sir Dav. _ Didst thou not see how the devils grinned and
gnashed their teeth at me, Vermin?
_Ver. _ Alas, sir, I was afraid one of 'em would have bit off my
nose, as he vanished out of the door.
_Sir Dav. _ Lead me away, I'll go to my wife, I'll die by my
own dear wife. Run away to the Temple, and call Counsellor, my
lawyer; I'll make over my estate presently, I shan't live till
noon; I'll give all I have to my wife. Ha, Vermin!
_Ver. _ Truly, sir, she's a very good lady.
_Sir Dav. _ Ah, much, much too good for me, Vermin; thou canst
not imagine what she has done for me, man; she would break her
heart if I should give any thing away from her, she loves me so
dearly. Yet if I do die, thou shalt have all my old shoes.
_Ver. _ I hope to see you live many a fair day yet though.
_Sir Dav. _ Ah, my wife, my poor wife! lead me to my poor wife.
[_Exeunt. _
[Illustration]
SCENE III. --Lady DUNCE'S _Chamber_.
Lady DUNCE _and_ BEAUGARD _discovered_.
_L. Dunce. _ What think you now of a cold wet march over the
mountains, your men tired, your baggage not come up, but at
night a dirty watery plain to encamp upon, and nothing to
shelter you, but an old leaguer cloak as tattered as your
colours? Is not this much better, now, than lying wet, and
getting the sciatica?
_Beau. _ The hopes of this made all fatigue easy to me; the
thoughts of Clarinda have a thousand times refreshed me in my
solitude. Whene'er I marched, I fancied still it was to my
Clarinda; when I fought, I imagined it was for my Clarinda; but
when I came home, and found Clarinda lost! --How could you think
of wasting but a night in the rank, surfeiting arms of this
foul-feeding monster, this rotten trunk of a man, that lays
claim to you?
_L. Dunce. _ The persuasion of friends, and the authority of
parents.
_Beau. _ And had you no more grace than to be ruled by a father
and mother?
_L. Dunce. _ When you were gone, that should have given me
better counsel, how could I help myself?
_Beau. _ Methinks, then, you might have found out some cleanlier
shift to have thrown away yourself upon than nauseous old age,
and unwholesome deformity.
_L. Dunce. _ What, upon some over-grown, full-fed country fool,
with a horse-face, a great ugly head, and a great fine estate;
one that should have been drained and squeezed, and jolted up
and down the town in hackneys with cheats and hectors, and so
sent home at three o'clock every morning, like a lolling booby,
stinking, with a belly-full of stummed wine,[52] and nothing
in's pockets?
_Beau. _ You might have made a tractable beast of such a one; he
would have been young enough for training.
_L. Dunce. _ Is youth then so gentle, if age be stubborn? Young
men, like springs wrought by a subtle workman, easily ply to
what their wishes press them; but the desire once gone that
kept them down, they soon start straight again, and no sign's
left which way they bent before.
_Sir Jol. _ [_At the door peeping. _] So, so, who says I see
anything now? I see nothing, not I; I don't see, I don't see, I
don't look, not so much as look, not I. [_He enters. _
_Enter_ Sir DAVY DUNCE.
_Sir Dav. _ I will have my wife, carry me to my wife, let me go
to my wife, I'll live and die with my wife, let the devil do
his worst; ah, my wife, my wife, my wife!
_L. Dunce. _ [_To_ BEAUGARD. ] Alas! alas! we are ruined! shift
for yourself; counterfeit the dead corpse once more, or
anything.
_Sir Dav. _ Ha! whosoe'er thou art thou canst not eat me! speak
to me, who has done this? Thou canst not say I did it.
_Sir Jol. _ Did it? did what? Here's nobody says you did
anything that I know, neighbour; what's the matter with you?
what ails you? whither do you go? whither do you run? I tell
you here's nobody says a word to you.
_Sir Dav. _ Did you not see the ghost just now?
_Sir Jol. _ Ghost! pr'ythee now, here's no ghost; whither would
you go? I tell you, you shall not stir one foot farther, man;
the devil take me if you do. Ghost! pr'ythee, here's no ghost
at all; a little flesh and blood, indeed, there is, some old,
some young, some alive, some dead, and so forth; but ghost!
pish, here's no ghost.
_Sir Dav. _ But, sir, if I say I did see a ghost, I did see a
ghost, an you go to that; why, sure I know a ghost when I see
one. Ah, my dear, if thou hadst but seen the devil half so
often as I have seen him!
_L. Dunce. _ Alas, Sir Davy! if you ever loved me, come not, oh,
come not near me; I have resolved to waste the short remainder
of my life in penitence, and taste of joys no more.
_Sir Dav. _ Alas, my poor child! But do you think there was no
ghost indeed?
_Sir Jol. _ Ghost! Alas-a-day, what should a ghost do here?
_Sir Dav. _ And is the man dead?
_Sir Jol. _ Dead! ay, ay, stark dead, he's stiff by this time.
_L. Dunce. _ Here you may see the horrid ghastly spectacle,
the sad effects of my too rigid virtue, and your too fierce
resentment--
_Sir Jol. _ Do you see there?
_Sir Dav. _ Ay, ay, I do see; would I had never seen him; would
he had lain with my wife in every house between Charing Cross
and Aldgate, so this had never happened!
_Sir Jol. _ In truth, and would he had! but we are all mortal,
neighbour, all mortal; to-day we are here, to-morrow gone; like
the shadow that vanisheth, like the grass that withereth, or
like the flower that fadeth; or indeed like anything, or rather
like nothing: but we are all mortal.
_Sir Dav. _ Heigh!
_L. Dunce. _ Down, down that trap-door, it goes into a
bathing-room; for the rest, leave it to my conduct.
[BEAUGARD _descends_.
_Sir Jol. _ 'Tis very unfortunate that you should run yourself
into this _premunire_,[53] Sir Davy.
_Sir Dav. _ Indeed, and so it is.
_Sir Jol. _ For a gentleman, a man in authority, a person in
years, one that used to go to church with his neighbours.
_Sir Dav. _ Every Sunday truly, Sir Jolly.
_Sir Jol. _ Pay scot and lot to the parish.
_Sir Dav. _ Six pounds a year to the very poor, without
abatement or deduction: 'tis very hard if so good a
commonwealth's-man should be brought to ride in a cart at last,
and be hanged in a sunshiny morning to make butchers and suburb
apprentices a holiday; I'll e'en run away.
_Sir Jol. _ Run away! why then your estate will be forfeited;
you'll lose your estate, man.
_Sir Dav. _ Truly you say right, friend; and a man had better be
half-hanged than lose his estate, you know.
_Sir Jol. _ Hanged! no, no, I think there's no great fear
of hanging neither: what, the fellow was but a sort of an
unaccountable fellow, as I heard you say.
_Sir Dav. _ Ay, ay, pox on him, he was a soldierly sort of a
vagabond; he had little or nothing but his sins to live upon:
if I could have had but patience, he would have been hanged
within these two months, and all this mischief saved.
[BEAUGARD _rises up like a ghost at the_
_trap-door, just before_ Sir DAVY.
O Lord! the devil, the devil, the devil! [_Falls upon his face. _
_Sir Jol. _ Why, Sir Davy, Sir Davy, what ails you? what's the
matter with you?
_Sir Dav. _ Let me alone, let me lie still; I will not look up
to see an angel; oh-h-h!
_L. Dunce. _ My dear, why do you do these cruel things to
affright me? Pray rise and speak to me.
_Sir Dav. _ I dare not stir; I saw the ghost again just now.
_L. Dunce. _ Ghost again! what ghost? where?
_Sir Dav. _ Why, there! there!
_Sir Jol. _ Here has been no ghost.
_Sir Dav. _ Why, did you see nothing then?
_L. Dunce. _ See nothing! no, nothing but one another.
_Sir Dav. _ Then I am enchanted, or my end is near at hand,
neighbour; for Heaven's sake, neighbour, advise me what I shall
do to be at rest.
_Sir Jol. _ Do! why, what think you if the body were removed?
_Sir Dav. _ Removed! I'd give a hundred pound the body were out
of my house; may be then the devil would not be so impudent.
_Sir Jol. _ I have discovered a door-place in the wall betwixt
my lady's chamber and one that belongs to me; if you think fit
we'll beat it down, and remove this troublesome lump of earth
to my house.
_Sir Dav. _ But will you be so kind?
_Sir Jol. _ If you think it may by any means be serviceable to
you.
_Sir Dav. _ Truly, if the body were removed, and disposed of
privately, that no more might be heard of the matter--I hope
he'll be as good as his word. [_Aside. _
_Sir Jol. _ Fear nothing, I'll warrant you; but in troth I had
utterly forgot one thing, utterly forgot it.
_Sir Dav. _ What's that?
_Sir Jol. _ Why, it will be absolutely necessary that your lady
stayed with me at my house for one day, till things were better
settled.
_Sir Dav. _ Ah, Sir Jolly! whatever you think fit; anything of
mine that you have a mind to; pray take her, pray take her, you
shall be very welcome. Hear you, my dearest, there is but one
way for us to get rid of this untoward business, and Sir Jolly
has found it out; therefore by all means go along with him, and
be ruled by him; and whatever Sir Jolly would have thee do,
e'en do it: so Heaven prosper ye, good-bye, good-bye, till I
see you again. [_Exit.
