Can thl' crawling creator crawling in the same creatp dark as his
creature
Cfl~ate \\,hile cra\l'ling?
Samuel Beckett
And to be decided whether
fast or mobile. Which of all imaginable postures least
liable to pall? Which of motion or of rest the more
entertaining in the long run? And in the same breath
L Lo
too soon to sa\ and wh\" after all not say \\-ithout fur
ther ado what can later be unsaid and what if it could
not? What then? Could he no\\ if he chose move out
of the dark he chose when last heard of and away from
his creature into another? Should he no,," decide to lie
and come later to regret it could he then rise to his
feet for example and lean against a ,,-all or pace to and
fro? Could M be reimagined in an eas\ chair? With
Lo •
L.
know it has closed her eYeS. So you sit face to face in the little summer-house. With eyes closed and vour hands on :-our pubes. In that rainbow light. That dead still.
Wearied by such stretch of imagining he ceases and
LoL
34
35
hands free to go Lo hiOi aOiOiiOitance'? There in the same dark as his creature J1(' lealTs himself to these> perpl(',, iti('s \\~hile Imllderill~ as enT\ nOI\~ ami tllen he won del's in the hack of his mind if the I\~oes of the world arc all the\ used to 1)('. In his dm.
1\1 so far as follO\\s. On hiOi lJack in a dark place form and dimensions \('t Lo lw deYis('cl. Hearing on and oIf
. ~
a \~oice of \\~hich uncertain \\lwtl1('r addressed to him or to another sharing his situation. There being noth
e~
ing to sho\\ \\hen it ckscrilws corr(>cth his ::;ituation
~
that the description i,. ; noL for the hendit of another in
the same ,. ;ituation. \ague distre::;,. ; at the vague thought
of his perhaps ov(~rhearinga conlid(~nce wlwn he hear::;
for ('"ample, You arc on \ our back in the dark. Doubts
gradually dashed as voice from questing far and wide
closes in upon him. When it ceases no other sound
than his breath. When it ceases long enough vague
~~
hope it ma: have said it::; last. Mental activity of a low order. Rare flickers of reasoning of no avail. Hope and despair and suchlike bard:' felt. How current situation arrived at unclear. No that th(~n to compare to this
now. Onl)~ eyelids move. When for relief from outer
and innerUark they close and open respectivel:. Other
small local movements eventually within moderation
not to be despaired of. But no improvement In means
of such achieved so far. Or on a higher plane h\ such
addition to company as a movement of sustained
sorrow or desire or remorse or curio::;ity or anger and
~
so on. Or by some succes::;ful act of intellection as wen~ he to think to him::;elf rcf'erring to himself, Since he cannot think he will give up tr:~ing. Is there an: thing to add to this esquis::;e? Hi::; unnamabilit:. Even M must go. So \V reminds himself of his creature as so far created. \V? But W too is cn~ature. Figment.
Yet another then. Of whom nothing. Devising ficr- G Lt"'
ments to temper his nothingness. Quick leave him. Pause and again in panic to himself, Quick leave him.
Deyised deviser deYising it all for compan:. In the same fiumcnt dark as his fi! ! n1ents. In \vhat posture and
b~
if or not as hearer in his for crood not \ et deYised. Is
~.
not one immovahle enough'? Wll\ duplicate this par
. 36
3-;"
ticular solace? Then let him move. Within reason. On all fours. A moderate crawl torso well clear of the ground e: es front alert. If this no better than nothing cancel. If possible. And in the void regained another motion. Or none. Leaving only the most helpful pos ture to be devised. But to be going on with let him
Co Co
crawl. Crawl and fall. Crawl again and fall again. In the same figment dark as his other figments.
From ranging far and wide as if in quest the voice Co L
comes to rest and constant faintness. To rest ,,~here? Imagine warih.
L.
Above the upturned face. Falling tangent to the
crown. So that in the faint light it sheds 'were there a
mouth to be seen he would not see it. Roll as he might
his en~s. H(~ight from tlw ground? . LL
Arm's length. Force? Low. A mother's stoop'ins; Co C
over cradle from behind. She moyes aside to let the father look. In his turn he murmurs to the newllOrn. Flat tone LUlchanged. :\0 trace of Ion:.
You are on your back at the foot of an aspen. In its trembling shade. She at right angles propped on her elbows head between her hands. Your c: es opened and closed have looked in hers looking in Yours. In your
;)8
39
dark yOU look in them again. Still. You feel on your face Co •
the fringe of her long black hair stirring in the still air. Co Co L
Within the tent of hair your faces are hidden from view. She murmurs, Listen to the leaves. En's in each other's eyes \~ou listen to the leaves. In their trembling shade.
Crawling and falling then. Cralding again and falling
G . . . . .
L- L- ""
again. If this finall:~no improvement on nothing he can ahmys fall for good. Or have never risen to his knees. Contrive how such crawl unlike the voice ma\~ sene to chart the area. However roughlY. First what is the unit
Co •
of crawl? Corresponding to the footstep of erect loco
motion. He rises to all fours and makes rC"a(h~ to set
out. Hands and knees anglC"s of an oblong two foot
long width irrelevant. FinallY say left knee moves for- L. .
,,-ard six inches thus half hah-ing llistance between it and homologous hand. Which then in dne cour:-;(' in
L.
•
its turn moves forward bv as much. Oblong now rhom . L
boid. But for no longer than it takes right knee and hand to follow suit. Oblong restored. So on till he drops. Of all modes of crawl this the repent amble possibl:' the least commOll. And so possibly of all the
most divertinCT.
b
So as he crawls the mute count. Grain by (Tram m
. b
the mind. One t,,'o three four one. Knee hand kll<'('
hand two. One foot. Till say aftn five he falls. TIIt'n
sooner or later on from nought anelV'. One two three
four one. Knee hand knee hallll two. Si". So on. In
what he ,\'ills a lweline. Till having encountered no
obstacle discouraged he heads back the way he came.
L•
From nought aIWI\'. Or in some quite different direc
tion. In what lw hopes a beeline. Till again with no
dead end for his pains he n'nounces and embarks on
vet another cours('. From llought anew. Well aware or •L
little doubting how llarknes::3 mav deflect. Witlwrshin:,; on account of the heart. Or convnsl'1:' to shortest path convert deliberate ve('r. 81' that as it nta\ allllcl"Uwl a:,;
he will no bourne as :'et. As w t imaginaJ)le. Hand knee hanu knee as he will. I30unwless dark.
Would it lw reasonal)le to imagine the hearer as
mentally quite inert? E"cept when he hears. That
is when the voice soulllls. For what if not it and his
breath is there for him to hear? . Aha! The crawl. Does
he hear the crawl? The fall? What an audition to com
pany were he but to hear the crawl. The fall. The rising
to all fours again. The crawl resumeu. . And wonder to
himself what in the world such sounds might signif\.
Reserve for a duller moment. What if not soulllI could set his mind in motion? Sight? The temptation is strong to decree there is nothing to see. But too late for the moment. For he sees a change of dark when he opens or shuts his e:'es. And he ma:' see the faint light the voice imagined to shed. Rashl:' imagined. Light infinitely faint it is true since now no more than a mere
murmur. Here suddenly seen how his eyes close as soon as the voice sounds. Should they happen to be open at the time. So light as let be faintest light no longer perceived than the time it takes the lid to fall.
clO
41
LL.
Taste? The taste in his mouth? Loner since dulled. t:'
Touch? The thrust of the ground against his bones. All LL
the wa:' from calcaneum to bump of philogenitiwness. Might not a notion to stir ruffle his apath:'? To turn on his side. On his face. For a chanere. Let that much of
t:'
want be conceded. With attendant relief that the da\'s
are no more when he could writhe in vain. Smell? His own? Long since dulled. And a barrier to others if any.
Can thl' crawling creator crawling in the same creatp dark as his creature Cfl~ate \\,hile cra\l'ling? One of the questions he put to himself as bet\l('en t\H) cra\ds he lay. Ancl if the obvious ansm~r \I ere not far to seek the
most helpful was another matter. Ancl man: cra\\ls
\\'ere necessary and the like llllllllJer of prostration::;
before he coulcl finall: make up his imagination on
this score. Aclcling to himself \\ithout cOlwiction in the
L•L
Such as might have once emitted a rat long dead. Or same breath as ah\'avs that no answer of his \las sacred. some other carrion. Yet to be imagined. Unless the Come what might the answer he hazarded in the end
LL
crawler smell. Aha! The crawling creator. Might the \\'as no he coulcl not. Cra\ding in the clark in thp \I'a\
LLL
crawling creator be reasonablv imagined to smell? L•L
Even fouler than his creature. Stirring now and then to
L
wond<:'r that mind so lost to wonder. To wonder what in the \\ odd can be making that alien smell. Whence
L
in the wur1d those wafts of villainous smell. How much more companionable could his creator but smell. Could he but smell his creator. Some sixth sense? Inexplicable premonition of impending ill? Yes or no? No. Pure reason? Beyond experience. God is love. Yes or no? No.
described was too serious a matter ancl too all-engross
ing to permit of an:' other business \\-ere it onl:' the
conJ'uring of something out of nothing. For he had
LLL
not onl:' as perhaps too hastil:' imaginecl to co\'er the
ground in this special wa: but rectigracle into the bar
gain to the best of his ability. Ancl furthermore to
L•
count as he went adding half foot to half foot ancl retain in his memon the ever-changing sum of those gone
• '--- '--- L
before. And finally to maintain eves and ears at a high
L.
level of alertness for anv due however small to the nature of the place to which imagination perhaps unacl
42
43
\isedh had consif! :ned him. So \\ hill' in lhe sallle breath deploring a fanc: ::;0 reason-ridden amI olN'lTing how n'\~ocaJ)le its flight:' he cOlild nol ]Jlll an:'\\er finalh- no Iw could no! . Couhll1ot conceiyahh (Teak \\hik crawl ing in the :'allI<' cH'all' dark a:' hi", C'realun'.
A strand. ~n'ning. Light ching. Soon none kft to die. l'\o. No such thing thl~n as llO light. Di('d on to da\\n and lW\~IT died. You ::;taml \\ ith \ our back to the \\~ash. :0: u sound bUl its. E:Y<T fainkr as it ::;IO\\h ebhs. Till it slO\\h Homo again. You kan on a long ::;tafI'. Your hands re",t on the knolJ and on tlH'lll HlUr head. \Ven~ :our e:(cs to open the\~ \\ould first SIT far below in the last ra:s the skirt of: our greatcoat and the uppers of
your I)()o[c; ('m(T£6ng from the sand. TI1<'n and it alone
•LL
till it yanislws tIl<' shadow of the staff on the sand. Van ish(cs from \our sight. :t1oonless stark",s night. Wen; :our e\ es to open dark would lighten.
Crawls and falls. Lie"" Lies in the dark with closed eyes resting from his craw1. Recovering. Physieal1) and from his disappointment at having crawled again
111 vam. Perhaps saying to himself, Why crawl at al1? Why not just lie in the dark with closed eyes and give up? Give up al1. Have done with al1. With bootless crawl and figments comfortless. But if on occasion so disheartened it is seldom for long. For little h)' little as he lies the craving for company revives. In which to escape from his own. The need to hear that voice again. If only saying again, You arc on your back in the dark.
Or if only, You first saw the light and cried at the close of the day when in darkness Christ at the ninth hour cried and died. Th(; need eyes closed the better to hear to see that glimmer shed. Or with adjunction of some human weakness to improve the hearer. For example an itch beyond reach of the hand or better still within while the hand immovable. An unscratchable itch. What an addition to compan) that \\~ould be! Or last if not least resort to ask himself what precis"]) he means when he speaks of himself loose! : as I)ing,
Which in other words of al1 the innumerable ways of
l)ing is likc1) to pron' in the long run the most emlear
ing. If having cra\ded in the \\~a)~ clescribed he fal1s it
\\~ouldnormalll~be on his face. lndeecl giyen the degree •LL
44
'l,S
of his fatigue and discouragement at this point it is '- '
hard to see how he could elo otherwise. But onu' fallc'n anel h ing on his face then' is no reason wh\ he shuuld
, '- .
not turn oyer on one or otllt'r of his sieles or on his onl\~
hack and so lie should am of tlwst' three posture's otTer
hetter compal1\ than an: of the other three. The SUpilW
though most tempting he must EmaIl: disallcm as ]wing
aln~ael: supplit'd IJ\ the hearer. With regard to the
sidelon£ one glance is enou£h to clispel thc'm hoth.
Ll. . . L
Lc·aving him \\~ith no otlwr choice than the proue. But how prone? Prone h(m? Hcm~ disposed the legs? TIH' arms? The heael? Prone in the elark he strains to sec' hOi\' hest he Illay lie prone. How most companionahh.
Seehearerclearer. Whichofallthei\aYS ofhing
supine the least likely in the long run to pall? After
long straining e\~es closeel prone in the elark the follc)\\
ing. But first nakecl or covereel? If onh \\ith a sll\'t't.
Nakeel. Ghostly in tllt' voice's glimmer that b(lll('\\~hite •L
flesh for compan:. Heael resting mainl: on occipital ]lUlllp aforc'saiel. Legs joineel at attention. Feet spla\ ed nim't\ d('grc'(·s. Hanels invisilJh manacled crossed on
pubis. Other ddails as neeel felt. Leaw him at that for tlw moment.
Numb with the woes of iour kinel \~oU raise none the
less :our head from off :our hands anel open :our t'i e".
You turn on withuut moving from: our place the light
above HJU. Your t'\es light on tIlt' watch hing lwneath . . L. L
it. But instead of rc'adin£ the hour of night thc'\ follOi\
16
1';'
L
rounel anel rounel the second hand
L,
now preceded h: its shael()\\. HOllIS later it seelllS to
yOU as follows. At 60 s('ccmels and 30 seconds shadOi\
hielden In hancl. From 60 to 30 shad(m preced('s hand
at a elistance increasing from z('ro at 60 to maximum
at 1. 5 anel thence decreasing to nt'\\~ zt'ru at 30. From
30to60shado\\~followshanelatadistanceincreasing
from zc'ro at 30 to maximum at 45 and th('nce decreas
ing to new zero at 60. Slant light no\\ to elia] ll\ lllOiing
LLL
either to either side anel hand hides shad()\\ at t\\0
quite elifferent points as for example 50 and 20. indeeel
at an: two quite elifferent points \\hatev('r ckpending
on dearee of slant. But ho\\'('v('r ureat or small tl](' slanl
~. ~
anel mort' or l(,ss remote from initial 60 and ,')0 t11l'
llO\\~
foll()\\ed and
ne\\~ points of zero shadO\\~ the spact' lwtween the two remains OIl(' of 30 seconcls. The shadow emerges from
L
Ilncler hand at an: point \\hatever of its circuit to fol Io's or pn'ced(' it for the spac(' of 30 s(~conds. Tht'n disappears inflnitel:~ briefly lwfore elllerging again to pn'cede or follow it for tIlt' ;,;pace of 30 secolllis again. And so on and OIl. This would se('tIl to bt' tIl(' olle con stant. For tIl(' \ T n distance it:::elf l)('t\\een hand und shadO\\ \aries as til(' d('gn'(' of slant. But 11O\n'\~ngreut
or small Ihis distance it invariabh \\ a'd'S and \\ all('S from nothing to a Illaxillllllll 1. "1 seconds later and to nothinG a(Tain I::; sc'conds latc'! ' auuill n's! )('ctiyeh. And
t"'
shines on :ou through the eastern window and flings all along the floor \ our shadow allli that of the lamp 1<>ft lit above \ou. •\ nl! those of ot! wr ohj<'cts also.
What VISIOns in the dark of light! Who exclaims thus? Who asks who exclaims, What visions in tIlt' shade1<'ss dark of light and shade! Yet another still? Devising it all for compan:. What a further addition to companv that would he! Yet another still devisint! it all for compan:~. Qnick l('av(' him.
Somehow at any pricE' to make an end wl1('n YOU
could go out no more you sat huddled in the dark. e.
Having coven,d in your day some twentv-five thou
r--
so OIl and on. This \\()]jld :::('em to ! )(' a sC'e<md con:::tanl.
Mon' Illight hay(' bc('n obse! 'Yed Oil Ihe :::ubjec! of this ;,;('Cond hand and its :::hadow in their seelllingh endk:::s
L
••
•
paral1<>1 rotation rOllnd and round the dial and othn yariabks awl constants l)[(H! uht to light and errors if
t:" l
am cOlT('c! ed in \\hat had sec'med so far. Bllt unable to eontinue \ ou bO\\ \our head back to wl]('re it was and \\ith c:lo:::ed ('\C'S }'I'turn to the \\O('S of \our kind. Dawn finds \OU still in Ihis posilion. 'I'll(' 10\\ sun
ance overstepped a radius of one frolll hOllle. Home! So sat waiting to be purged the old lutist cause of
LL
Dante's first quarter-smile and now perhaps singing praisE'S with some section of the blest at last. To whom here in any case farewell. The place is windowless. WhE'n as :~ou sometimes do to void thE' fluid :ou open
It)
49
t' - .
sand leagut's or roughlv thrice the girdle. And never e. LL'•L
\ our n('s dark lesst'ns. Thus \ ou now on \ our back in the dark once sat huddled the[(' lOur boch ha\~in~ shown \OU it could go out no more. Out no more to walk the little winding back roads and interjacent pas
tun's now alive with flocks and nOi\~ deserkd. ,Yith at \ our dhow for long \ears ,our father's shade in his old tramping rags and then for long wars alone. Add ing step after stt'p to the ein mounting Slllll of thost' alread: accomplished. Halting nO\\~ and then \rith lJowt'd lwad to h'\: the score. Then on from nought anew. Huddled thus IOU find \ourself imagining yon
. . LL.
art' not alone \\hile know~ingfull wt'll that nothing has
occulTed to make this possible. The process continues
none the less lapped as it were in its meaninglessness.
You clo not murmur in so mam words, I know this
doonwd to fail and :~et persist. No. For the first per
sonal and a fortiori plural pronoun had never a l F
place in your yocabularv. But without a w~ord \ou
view \ourseIf to this effect as vou would a stranger
••L
suffering: sa\ from Hodgkin's disease or if :ou preft'r Percival Pott's surprised at prayer. From time to time
with une. \. pt'cted grace :Oll lie. Simultanl'oush the yarious parts sd out. The arms llnclasp the kne('s. The head lifts. The legs start to straight(·ll. The trunk tilts hack\\anl. "\nd together these and cOlllltless ot! WI'S contillLw on their res! )('ctiye \\~a:s till tIll': can go no fnrth("r and together CO! lle to resl. Supine no\\ \Oll [('sunl<' \our fable whne tIl<' act of h ing cut it short.
50
Sl
. .
.
And persist till the conVI'E,e operation cuts it short
again. So in the clark wm huddled and now supine: Oll
toil in vain. j\ nd just as froll! the fornwr position to the
lattt'r tIl<' shift grows easil'r in time and !
fast or mobile. Which of all imaginable postures least
liable to pall? Which of motion or of rest the more
entertaining in the long run? And in the same breath
L Lo
too soon to sa\ and wh\" after all not say \\-ithout fur
ther ado what can later be unsaid and what if it could
not? What then? Could he no\\ if he chose move out
of the dark he chose when last heard of and away from
his creature into another? Should he no,," decide to lie
and come later to regret it could he then rise to his
feet for example and lean against a ,,-all or pace to and
fro? Could M be reimagined in an eas\ chair? With
Lo •
L.
know it has closed her eYeS. So you sit face to face in the little summer-house. With eyes closed and vour hands on :-our pubes. In that rainbow light. That dead still.
Wearied by such stretch of imagining he ceases and
LoL
34
35
hands free to go Lo hiOi aOiOiiOitance'? There in the same dark as his creature J1(' lealTs himself to these> perpl(',, iti('s \\~hile Imllderill~ as enT\ nOI\~ ami tllen he won del's in the hack of his mind if the I\~oes of the world arc all the\ used to 1)('. In his dm.
1\1 so far as follO\\s. On hiOi lJack in a dark place form and dimensions \('t Lo lw deYis('cl. Hearing on and oIf
. ~
a \~oice of \\~hich uncertain \\lwtl1('r addressed to him or to another sharing his situation. There being noth
e~
ing to sho\\ \\hen it ckscrilws corr(>cth his ::;ituation
~
that the description i,. ; noL for the hendit of another in
the same ,. ;ituation. \ague distre::;,. ; at the vague thought
of his perhaps ov(~rhearinga conlid(~nce wlwn he hear::;
for ('"ample, You arc on \ our back in the dark. Doubts
gradually dashed as voice from questing far and wide
closes in upon him. When it ceases no other sound
than his breath. When it ceases long enough vague
~~
hope it ma: have said it::; last. Mental activity of a low order. Rare flickers of reasoning of no avail. Hope and despair and suchlike bard:' felt. How current situation arrived at unclear. No that th(~n to compare to this
now. Onl)~ eyelids move. When for relief from outer
and innerUark they close and open respectivel:. Other
small local movements eventually within moderation
not to be despaired of. But no improvement In means
of such achieved so far. Or on a higher plane h\ such
addition to company as a movement of sustained
sorrow or desire or remorse or curio::;ity or anger and
~
so on. Or by some succes::;ful act of intellection as wen~ he to think to him::;elf rcf'erring to himself, Since he cannot think he will give up tr:~ing. Is there an: thing to add to this esquis::;e? Hi::; unnamabilit:. Even M must go. So \V reminds himself of his creature as so far created. \V? But W too is cn~ature. Figment.
Yet another then. Of whom nothing. Devising ficr- G Lt"'
ments to temper his nothingness. Quick leave him. Pause and again in panic to himself, Quick leave him.
Deyised deviser deYising it all for compan:. In the same fiumcnt dark as his fi! ! n1ents. In \vhat posture and
b~
if or not as hearer in his for crood not \ et deYised. Is
~.
not one immovahle enough'? Wll\ duplicate this par
. 36
3-;"
ticular solace? Then let him move. Within reason. On all fours. A moderate crawl torso well clear of the ground e: es front alert. If this no better than nothing cancel. If possible. And in the void regained another motion. Or none. Leaving only the most helpful pos ture to be devised. But to be going on with let him
Co Co
crawl. Crawl and fall. Crawl again and fall again. In the same figment dark as his other figments.
From ranging far and wide as if in quest the voice Co L
comes to rest and constant faintness. To rest ,,~here? Imagine warih.
L.
Above the upturned face. Falling tangent to the
crown. So that in the faint light it sheds 'were there a
mouth to be seen he would not see it. Roll as he might
his en~s. H(~ight from tlw ground? . LL
Arm's length. Force? Low. A mother's stoop'ins; Co C
over cradle from behind. She moyes aside to let the father look. In his turn he murmurs to the newllOrn. Flat tone LUlchanged. :\0 trace of Ion:.
You are on your back at the foot of an aspen. In its trembling shade. She at right angles propped on her elbows head between her hands. Your c: es opened and closed have looked in hers looking in Yours. In your
;)8
39
dark yOU look in them again. Still. You feel on your face Co •
the fringe of her long black hair stirring in the still air. Co Co L
Within the tent of hair your faces are hidden from view. She murmurs, Listen to the leaves. En's in each other's eyes \~ou listen to the leaves. In their trembling shade.
Crawling and falling then. Cralding again and falling
G . . . . .
L- L- ""
again. If this finall:~no improvement on nothing he can ahmys fall for good. Or have never risen to his knees. Contrive how such crawl unlike the voice ma\~ sene to chart the area. However roughlY. First what is the unit
Co •
of crawl? Corresponding to the footstep of erect loco
motion. He rises to all fours and makes rC"a(h~ to set
out. Hands and knees anglC"s of an oblong two foot
long width irrelevant. FinallY say left knee moves for- L. .
,,-ard six inches thus half hah-ing llistance between it and homologous hand. Which then in dne cour:-;(' in
L.
•
its turn moves forward bv as much. Oblong now rhom . L
boid. But for no longer than it takes right knee and hand to follow suit. Oblong restored. So on till he drops. Of all modes of crawl this the repent amble possibl:' the least commOll. And so possibly of all the
most divertinCT.
b
So as he crawls the mute count. Grain by (Tram m
. b
the mind. One t,,'o three four one. Knee hand kll<'('
hand two. One foot. Till say aftn five he falls. TIIt'n
sooner or later on from nought anelV'. One two three
four one. Knee hand knee hallll two. Si". So on. In
what he ,\'ills a lweline. Till having encountered no
obstacle discouraged he heads back the way he came.
L•
From nought aIWI\'. Or in some quite different direc
tion. In what lw hopes a beeline. Till again with no
dead end for his pains he n'nounces and embarks on
vet another cours('. From llought anew. Well aware or •L
little doubting how llarknes::3 mav deflect. Witlwrshin:,; on account of the heart. Or convnsl'1:' to shortest path convert deliberate ve('r. 81' that as it nta\ allllcl"Uwl a:,;
he will no bourne as :'et. As w t imaginaJ)le. Hand knee hanu knee as he will. I30unwless dark.
Would it lw reasonal)le to imagine the hearer as
mentally quite inert? E"cept when he hears. That
is when the voice soulllls. For what if not it and his
breath is there for him to hear? . Aha! The crawl. Does
he hear the crawl? The fall? What an audition to com
pany were he but to hear the crawl. The fall. The rising
to all fours again. The crawl resumeu. . And wonder to
himself what in the world such sounds might signif\.
Reserve for a duller moment. What if not soulllI could set his mind in motion? Sight? The temptation is strong to decree there is nothing to see. But too late for the moment. For he sees a change of dark when he opens or shuts his e:'es. And he ma:' see the faint light the voice imagined to shed. Rashl:' imagined. Light infinitely faint it is true since now no more than a mere
murmur. Here suddenly seen how his eyes close as soon as the voice sounds. Should they happen to be open at the time. So light as let be faintest light no longer perceived than the time it takes the lid to fall.
clO
41
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Taste? The taste in his mouth? Loner since dulled. t:'
Touch? The thrust of the ground against his bones. All LL
the wa:' from calcaneum to bump of philogenitiwness. Might not a notion to stir ruffle his apath:'? To turn on his side. On his face. For a chanere. Let that much of
t:'
want be conceded. With attendant relief that the da\'s
are no more when he could writhe in vain. Smell? His own? Long since dulled. And a barrier to others if any.
Can thl' crawling creator crawling in the same creatp dark as his creature Cfl~ate \\,hile cra\l'ling? One of the questions he put to himself as bet\l('en t\H) cra\ds he lay. Ancl if the obvious ansm~r \I ere not far to seek the
most helpful was another matter. Ancl man: cra\\ls
\\'ere necessary and the like llllllllJer of prostration::;
before he coulcl finall: make up his imagination on
this score. Aclcling to himself \\ithout cOlwiction in the
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Such as might have once emitted a rat long dead. Or same breath as ah\'avs that no answer of his \las sacred. some other carrion. Yet to be imagined. Unless the Come what might the answer he hazarded in the end
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crawler smell. Aha! The crawling creator. Might the \\'as no he coulcl not. Cra\ding in the clark in thp \I'a\
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crawling creator be reasonablv imagined to smell? L•L
Even fouler than his creature. Stirring now and then to
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wond<:'r that mind so lost to wonder. To wonder what in the \\ odd can be making that alien smell. Whence
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in the wur1d those wafts of villainous smell. How much more companionable could his creator but smell. Could he but smell his creator. Some sixth sense? Inexplicable premonition of impending ill? Yes or no? No. Pure reason? Beyond experience. God is love. Yes or no? No.
described was too serious a matter ancl too all-engross
ing to permit of an:' other business \\-ere it onl:' the
conJ'uring of something out of nothing. For he had
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not onl:' as perhaps too hastil:' imaginecl to co\'er the
ground in this special wa: but rectigracle into the bar
gain to the best of his ability. Ancl furthermore to
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count as he went adding half foot to half foot ancl retain in his memon the ever-changing sum of those gone
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before. And finally to maintain eves and ears at a high
L.
level of alertness for anv due however small to the nature of the place to which imagination perhaps unacl
42
43
\isedh had consif! :ned him. So \\ hill' in lhe sallle breath deploring a fanc: ::;0 reason-ridden amI olN'lTing how n'\~ocaJ)le its flight:' he cOlild nol ]Jlll an:'\\er finalh- no Iw could no! . Couhll1ot conceiyahh (Teak \\hik crawl ing in the :'allI<' cH'all' dark a:' hi", C'realun'.
A strand. ~n'ning. Light ching. Soon none kft to die. l'\o. No such thing thl~n as llO light. Di('d on to da\\n and lW\~IT died. You ::;taml \\ ith \ our back to the \\~ash. :0: u sound bUl its. E:Y<T fainkr as it ::;IO\\h ebhs. Till it slO\\h Homo again. You kan on a long ::;tafI'. Your hands re",t on the knolJ and on tlH'lll HlUr head. \Ven~ :our e:(cs to open the\~ \\ould first SIT far below in the last ra:s the skirt of: our greatcoat and the uppers of
your I)()o[c; ('m(T£6ng from the sand. TI1<'n and it alone
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till it yanislws tIl<' shadow of the staff on the sand. Van ish(cs from \our sight. :t1oonless stark",s night. Wen; :our e\ es to open dark would lighten.
Crawls and falls. Lie"" Lies in the dark with closed eyes resting from his craw1. Recovering. Physieal1) and from his disappointment at having crawled again
111 vam. Perhaps saying to himself, Why crawl at al1? Why not just lie in the dark with closed eyes and give up? Give up al1. Have done with al1. With bootless crawl and figments comfortless. But if on occasion so disheartened it is seldom for long. For little h)' little as he lies the craving for company revives. In which to escape from his own. The need to hear that voice again. If only saying again, You arc on your back in the dark.
Or if only, You first saw the light and cried at the close of the day when in darkness Christ at the ninth hour cried and died. Th(; need eyes closed the better to hear to see that glimmer shed. Or with adjunction of some human weakness to improve the hearer. For example an itch beyond reach of the hand or better still within while the hand immovable. An unscratchable itch. What an addition to compan) that \\~ould be! Or last if not least resort to ask himself what precis"]) he means when he speaks of himself loose! : as I)ing,
Which in other words of al1 the innumerable ways of
l)ing is likc1) to pron' in the long run the most emlear
ing. If having cra\ded in the \\~a)~ clescribed he fal1s it
\\~ouldnormalll~be on his face. lndeecl giyen the degree •LL
44
'l,S
of his fatigue and discouragement at this point it is '- '
hard to see how he could elo otherwise. But onu' fallc'n anel h ing on his face then' is no reason wh\ he shuuld
, '- .
not turn oyer on one or otllt'r of his sieles or on his onl\~
hack and so lie should am of tlwst' three posture's otTer
hetter compal1\ than an: of the other three. The SUpilW
though most tempting he must EmaIl: disallcm as ]wing
aln~ael: supplit'd IJ\ the hearer. With regard to the
sidelon£ one glance is enou£h to clispel thc'm hoth.
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Lc·aving him \\~ith no otlwr choice than the proue. But how prone? Prone h(m? Hcm~ disposed the legs? TIH' arms? The heael? Prone in the elark he strains to sec' hOi\' hest he Illay lie prone. How most companionahh.
Seehearerclearer. Whichofallthei\aYS ofhing
supine the least likely in the long run to pall? After
long straining e\~es closeel prone in the elark the follc)\\
ing. But first nakecl or covereel? If onh \\ith a sll\'t't.
Nakeel. Ghostly in tllt' voice's glimmer that b(lll('\\~hite •L
flesh for compan:. Heael resting mainl: on occipital ]lUlllp aforc'saiel. Legs joineel at attention. Feet spla\ ed nim't\ d('grc'(·s. Hanels invisilJh manacled crossed on
pubis. Other ddails as neeel felt. Leaw him at that for tlw moment.
Numb with the woes of iour kinel \~oU raise none the
less :our head from off :our hands anel open :our t'i e".
You turn on withuut moving from: our place the light
above HJU. Your t'\es light on tIlt' watch hing lwneath . . L. L
it. But instead of rc'adin£ the hour of night thc'\ follOi\
16
1';'
L
rounel anel rounel the second hand
L,
now preceded h: its shael()\\. HOllIS later it seelllS to
yOU as follows. At 60 s('ccmels and 30 seconds shadOi\
hielden In hancl. From 60 to 30 shad(m preced('s hand
at a elistance increasing from z('ro at 60 to maximum
at 1. 5 anel thence decreasing to nt'\\~ zt'ru at 30. From
30to60shado\\~followshanelatadistanceincreasing
from zc'ro at 30 to maximum at 45 and th('nce decreas
ing to new zero at 60. Slant light no\\ to elia] ll\ lllOiing
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either to either side anel hand hides shad()\\ at t\\0
quite elifferent points as for example 50 and 20. indeeel
at an: two quite elifferent points \\hatev('r ckpending
on dearee of slant. But ho\\'('v('r ureat or small tl](' slanl
~. ~
anel mort' or l(,ss remote from initial 60 and ,')0 t11l'
llO\\~
foll()\\ed and
ne\\~ points of zero shadO\\~ the spact' lwtween the two remains OIl(' of 30 seconcls. The shadow emerges from
L
Ilncler hand at an: point \\hatever of its circuit to fol Io's or pn'ced(' it for the spac(' of 30 s(~conds. Tht'n disappears inflnitel:~ briefly lwfore elllerging again to pn'cede or follow it for tIlt' ;,;pace of 30 secolllis again. And so on and OIl. This would se('tIl to bt' tIl(' olle con stant. For tIl(' \ T n distance it:::elf l)('t\\een hand und shadO\\ \aries as til(' d('gn'(' of slant. But 11O\n'\~ngreut
or small Ihis distance it invariabh \\ a'd'S and \\ all('S from nothing to a Illaxillllllll 1. "1 seconds later and to nothinG a(Tain I::; sc'conds latc'! ' auuill n's! )('ctiyeh. And
t"'
shines on :ou through the eastern window and flings all along the floor \ our shadow allli that of the lamp 1<>ft lit above \ou. •\ nl! those of ot! wr ohj<'cts also.
What VISIOns in the dark of light! Who exclaims thus? Who asks who exclaims, What visions in tIlt' shade1<'ss dark of light and shade! Yet another still? Devising it all for compan:. What a further addition to companv that would he! Yet another still devisint! it all for compan:~. Qnick l('av(' him.
Somehow at any pricE' to make an end wl1('n YOU
could go out no more you sat huddled in the dark. e.
Having coven,d in your day some twentv-five thou
r--
so OIl and on. This \\()]jld :::('em to ! )(' a sC'e<md con:::tanl.
Mon' Illight hay(' bc('n obse! 'Yed Oil Ihe :::ubjec! of this ;,;('Cond hand and its :::hadow in their seelllingh endk:::s
L
••
•
paral1<>1 rotation rOllnd and round the dial and othn yariabks awl constants l)[(H! uht to light and errors if
t:" l
am cOlT('c! ed in \\hat had sec'med so far. Bllt unable to eontinue \ ou bO\\ \our head back to wl]('re it was and \\ith c:lo:::ed ('\C'S }'I'turn to the \\O('S of \our kind. Dawn finds \OU still in Ihis posilion. 'I'll(' 10\\ sun
ance overstepped a radius of one frolll hOllle. Home! So sat waiting to be purged the old lutist cause of
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Dante's first quarter-smile and now perhaps singing praisE'S with some section of the blest at last. To whom here in any case farewell. The place is windowless. WhE'n as :~ou sometimes do to void thE' fluid :ou open
It)
49
t' - .
sand leagut's or roughlv thrice the girdle. And never e. LL'•L
\ our n('s dark lesst'ns. Thus \ ou now on \ our back in the dark once sat huddled the[(' lOur boch ha\~in~ shown \OU it could go out no more. Out no more to walk the little winding back roads and interjacent pas
tun's now alive with flocks and nOi\~ deserkd. ,Yith at \ our dhow for long \ears ,our father's shade in his old tramping rags and then for long wars alone. Add ing step after stt'p to the ein mounting Slllll of thost' alread: accomplished. Halting nO\\~ and then \rith lJowt'd lwad to h'\: the score. Then on from nought anew. Huddled thus IOU find \ourself imagining yon
. . LL.
art' not alone \\hile know~ingfull wt'll that nothing has
occulTed to make this possible. The process continues
none the less lapped as it were in its meaninglessness.
You clo not murmur in so mam words, I know this
doonwd to fail and :~et persist. No. For the first per
sonal and a fortiori plural pronoun had never a l F
place in your yocabularv. But without a w~ord \ou
view \ourseIf to this effect as vou would a stranger
••L
suffering: sa\ from Hodgkin's disease or if :ou preft'r Percival Pott's surprised at prayer. From time to time
with une. \. pt'cted grace :Oll lie. Simultanl'oush the yarious parts sd out. The arms llnclasp the kne('s. The head lifts. The legs start to straight(·ll. The trunk tilts hack\\anl. "\nd together these and cOlllltless ot! WI'S contillLw on their res! )('ctiye \\~a:s till tIll': can go no fnrth("r and together CO! lle to resl. Supine no\\ \Oll [('sunl<' \our fable whne tIl<' act of h ing cut it short.
50
Sl
. .
.
And persist till the conVI'E,e operation cuts it short
again. So in the clark wm huddled and now supine: Oll
toil in vain. j\ nd just as froll! the fornwr position to the
lattt'r tIl<' shift grows easil'r in time and !
