No More Learning

But again he doing nothing in it, the Officers
pressing the Matter, he was call'd again; then says _Caesar_ to him, A
little While ago, you were order'd to make up the Account. Says he, I
remember it, and am ready to do it. _Caesar_, imagining that he had not
settled it, let him go again; but he thus eluding the Matter, the
Officers insisted more pressingly upon it, crying out, it was a great
Affront to play upon _Caesar_ at this Rate. They persuaded the King to
send for him, and make him balance the Account before them. _Caesar_
agrees to it, he is sent for, comes immediately, and does not refuse to
do any Thing. Then says _Caesar_, Did not you promise to balance the
Account? Yes, said he. Well, says he, you must do it here; here are some
to take your Account; it must be put off no longer. The Officers sat by,
with Books ready for the Purpose. The young Man being come to this
Pinch, replies very smartly; Most invincible _Caesar_, I don't refuse to
give an Account, but am not very well skilled in these Sort of Accounts,
never having given any; but these that sit here are very ready at such
Accounts. If I do but once see how they make up such Accounts, I can
very easily imitate them. I entreat you to command them but to shew me
an Example, and they shall see I am very docible. _Caesar_ perceived
what he meant, but they, upon whom it was spoken did not, and smiling,
answered him, you say true, and what you demand is nothing but what is
reasonable: And so dismissed the young Man. For he intimated that they
used to bring in such Accounts to _Caesar_ as he had, that is, to keep a
good Part of the Money to themselves.

_Le. _ Now 'tis Time that our Story-telling should pass, as they say,
from better to worse, from Kings to _Anthony_, a Priest of _Louvain_,
who was much in Favour with _Philip_ surnamed _the Good_: there are a
great many Things told of this Man, both merrily said, and wittily done,
but most of them are something slovenly. For he used to season many of
his Jokes with a Sort of Perfume that has not a handsome Sound, but a
worse Scent. I'll pick out one of the cleanest of 'em. He had given an
Invitation to one or two merry Fellows that he had met with by Chance as
he went along; and when he comes Home, he finds a cold Kitchen; nor had
he any Money in his Pocket, which was no new Thing with him; here was
but little Time for Consultation. Away he goes, and says nothing, but
going into the Kitchen of a certain Usurer (that was an intimate
Acquaintance, by Reason of frequent Dealings with him) when the Maid was
gone out of the Way, he makes off with one of the Brass Pots, with the
Meat ready boiled, under his Coat, carries it Home, gives it his
Cook-Maid, and bids her pour out the Meat and Broth into another Earthen
Pot, and rub the Usurer's Brass one till it was bright. Having done
this, he sends his Boy to the Pawn-Broker to borrow two Groats upon it,
but charges him to take a Note, that should be a Testimonial, that such
a Pot had been sent him. The Pawn-Broker not knowing the Pot being
scour'd so bright, takes the Pawn, gives him a Note, and lays him down
the Money, and with that Money the Boy buys Wine, and so he provided an
Entertainment for him. By and by, when the Pawn-Broker's Dinner was
going to be taken up, the Pot was missing. He scolds at the Cook-Maid;
she being put hardly to it, affirmed no Body had been in the Kitchen all
that Day but _Anthony_. It seem'd an ill Thing to suspect a Priest. But
however at last they went to him, search'd the House for the Pot, but no
Pot was found. But in short, they charg'd him Home with the Pot, because
he was the only Person who had been in the Kitchen till the Pot was
missing. He confess'd that he had borrow'd a Pot, but that he had sent
it Home again to him from whom he had it. But they denying it stiffly,
and high Words arising, _Anthony_ calling some Witnesses, Look you,
quoth he, how dangerous a Thing it is to have to do with Men now-a-Days,
without a Note under their Hands: I should have been in Danger of being
indicted for Felony, if I had not had the Pawn-Broker's own Hand to
shew. And with that he produces the Note of his Hand. They perceiv'd the
Trick, and it made good Sport all the Country over, that the
Pawn-Broker had lent Money upon his own Porridge-Pot. Men are commonly
very well pleas'd with such Tricks, when they are put upon such as they
have no good Opinion of, especially such as use to impose upon other
Persons.

_Adol. _ In Truth, by mentioning the Name of _Anthony_, you have laid
open an Ocean of merry Stories; but I'll tell but one, and a short one
too, that was told me very lately. A certain Company of jolly Fellows,
who are for a short Life, and a merry one, as they call it, were making
merry together; among the rest there was one _Anthony_, and another
Person, a noted Fellow for an arch Trick, a second _Anthony_. And as
'tis the Custom of Philosophers, when they meet together to propound
some Questions or other about the Things of Nature, so in this Company a
Question was propos'd; Which was the most honourable Part of a Man? One
said the Eyes, another said the Heart, another said the Brain, and
others said other Parts; and every one alleg'd some Reason for his
Assertion. _Anthony_ was bid to speak his Mind, and he gave his Opinion
that the Mouth was the most honourable, and gave some Reason for't, I
can't tell what. Upon that the other Person, that he might thwart
_Anthony_, made Answer that that was the most honourable Part that we
sit upon; and when every one cry'd out, that was absurd, he back'd it
with this Reason, that he was commonly accounted the most honourable
that was first seated, and that this Honour was commonly done to the
Part that he spoke of. They applauded his Opinion, and laughed heartily
at it. The Man was mightily pleas'd with his Wit, and _Anthony_ seem'd
to have the worst on't. _Anthony_ turn'd the Matter off very well,
saying that he had given the prime Honour to the Mouth for no other
Reason, but because he knew that the other Man would name some other
Part, if it were but out of Envy to thwart him: A few Days after, when
they were both invited again to an Entertainment, _Anthony_ going in,
finds his Antagonist, talking with some other Persons, while Supper was
getting ready, and turning his Arse towards him, lets a great Fart full
in his Face. He being in a violent Passion, says to him, Out, you saucy
Fellow, where was you drag'd up? _At Hogs Norton_? Then says _Anthony_,
What, are you angry? If I had saluted you with my Mouth, you would have
answer'd me again; but now I salute you with the most honourable Part of
the Body, in your own Opinion, you call me saucy Fellow. And so
_Anthony_ regain'd the Reputation he had lost. We have every one told
our Tale. Now, Mr. Judge, it is your Business to pass Sentence.

_Ge. _ Well, I'll do that, but not before every Man has taken off his
Glass, and I'll lead the Way. But _talk of the Devil and he'll appear_.

_Po. _ _Levinus Panagathus_ brings no bad Luck along with him.

_Lev. _ Well, pray what Diversion has there been among this merry
Company?

_Po. _ What should we do but tell merry Stories till you come?

_Lev. _ Well then, I'm come to conclude the Meeting. I desire you all to
come to Morrow to eat a Theological Dinner with me.

_Ge. _ You tell us of a melancholy Entertainment indeed.

_Lev. _ That will appear. If you don't confess that it has been more
entertaining than your fabulous one, I'll be content to be amerc'd a
Supper; there is nothing more diverting than to treat of Trifles in a
serious Manner.




_The LYING-IN WOMAN. _


The ARGUMENT.

_A Lying-in Woman had rather have a Boy than a Girl.
Custom is a grievous Tyrant. A Woman argues that she is
as good as her Husband. The Dignity of 'em both are
compared. The Tongue is a Woman's best Weapon. The Mother
herself ought to be the Nurse. She is not the Mother that
bears the Child, but she that nurses it. The very Beasts
themselves suckle their own Young. The Nurse's Milk
corrupts oftentimes both the Genius and natural
Constitution of the Infant. The Souls of some Persons
inhabit Bodies ill organized. _ Cato _judges it the
principal Part of Felicity, to dwell happily. She is
scarce half a Mother that refuses to bring up what she
has brought forth. A Mother is so called from [Greek: mê
têrein]. And in short, besides the Knowledge of a great
many Things in Nature, here are many that occur in
Morality. _


EUTRAPELUS, FABULLA.

_Eu. _ Honest _Fabulla_, I am glad to see you; I wish you well.

_Fa. _ I wish you well heartily, Eutrapelus. But what's the Matter more
than ordinary, that you that come so seldom to see me, are come now?
None of our Family has seen you this three Years.

_Eu. _ I'll tell you, as I chanced to go by the Door, I saw the Knocker
(called a Crow) tied up in a white Cloth, I wondered what was the
Matter.

_Fa. _ What! are you such a Stranger in this Country, as not to know that
that's a Token of a lying-in Woman in that House?

_Eu. _ Why, pray is it not a strange Sight to see a white Crow? But
without jesting, I did know very well what was the Matter; but I could
not dream, that you that are scarce sixteen, should learn so early the
difficult Art of getting Children, which some can scarce attain before
they are thirty.

_Fa. _ As you are _Eutrapelus_ by Name, so you are by Nature.

_Eu. _ And so are you too. For _Fabulla_ never wants a Fable. And while I
was in a Quandary, _Polygamus_ came by just in the Nick of Time.

_Fa. _ What he that lately buried his tenth Wife?

_Eu. _ The very same, but I believe you don't know that he goes a
courting as hotly as if he had lived all his Days a Batchelor. I ask'd
him what was the Matter; he told me that in this House the Body of a
Woman had been dissever'd. For what great Crime, says I? says he, If
what is commonly reported be true, the Mistress of this House attempted
to circumcise her Husband, and with that he went away laughing.

_Fa. _ He's a mere Wag.

_Eu. _ I presently ran in a-Doors to congratulate your safe Delivery.

_Fa. _ Congratulate my safe Delivery if you will, _Eutrapelus_, you may
congratulate my happy Delivery, when you shall see him that I have
brought forth give a Proof of himself to be an honest Man.

_Eu. _ Indeed, my _Fabulla_ you talk very piously and rationally.

_Fa. _ Nay, I am no Body's _Fabulla_ but _Petronius's. _

_Eu. _ Indeed you bear Children for _Petronius_ alone, but you don't live
for him alone, I believe. But however, I congratulate you upon this,
that you have got a Boy.

_Fa. _ But why do you think it better to have a Boy than a Girl?

_Eu. _ Nay, but rather you _Petronius's Fabulla_ (for now I am afraid to
call you mine) ought to tell me what Reason you Women have to wish for
Boys rather than Girls?

_Fa. _ I don't know what other People's Minds are; at this Time I am glad
I have a Boy, because so it pleased God. If it had pleased him best I
should have had a Girl, it would have pleased me best too.

_Eu. _ Do you think God has nothing else to do but be a Midwife to Women
in Labour?

_Fa. _ Pray, _Eutrapelus_, what should he do else, but preserve by
Propagation, what he has founded by Creation?

Eu, What should he do else good Dame? If he were not God, he'd never be
able to do what he has to do. _Christiernus_ King of _Denmark_, a
religious Favourer of the Gospel, is in Exile. _Francis_, King of
_France_, is a Sojourner in _Spain. _ I can't tell how well he may bear
it, but I am sure he is a Man that deserves better Fortune. _Charles_
labours with might and main to inlarge the Territories of his Monarchy.
And _Ferdinand_ is mightily taken up about his Affairs in _Germany. _ And
the Courtiers every where are almost Famished with Hunger after Money.
The very Farmers raise dangerous Commotions, nor are deterred from their
Attempts by so many Slaughters of Men, that have been made already. The
People are for setting up an Anarchy, and the Church goes to Ruin with
dangerous Factions. Christ's seamless Coat is rent asunder on all Sides.
God's Vineyard is spoiled by more Boars than one. The Authority of the
Clergy with their Tythes, the Dignity of Divines, the Majesty of Monks
is in Danger: Confession nods, Vows stagger, the Pope's Constitutions go
to decay, the Eucharist is call'd in Question, and Antichrist is
expected every Day, and the whole World seems to be in Travail to bring
forth I know not what Mischief. In the mean Time the _Turks_ over-run
all where-e'er they come, and are ready to invade us and lay all waste,
if they succeed in what they are about; and do you ask what God has
else to do? I think he should rather see to secure his own Kingdom in
Time.

_Fa. _ Perhaps that which Men make the greatest Account of, seems to God
of no Moment. But however, if you will, let us let God alone in this
Discourse of ours. What is your Reason to think it is happier to bear a
Boy than a Girl? It is the Part of a pious Person to think that best
which God, who without Controversy is the best Judge, has given.

_Eu. _ And if God should give you but a Cup made of Crystal, would you
not give him Thanks for it?

_Fa. _ Yes, I would.

_Eu. _ But what if he should give you one of common Glass, would you give
him the like Thanks? But I'm afraid instead of comforting you, by this
Discourse, I should make you uneasy.

_Fa. _ Nay, a _Fabulla_ can be in no Danger of being hurt by a Fable. I
have lain in now almost a Month, and I am strong enough for a Match at
Wrestling.

_Eu. _ Why don't you get out of your Bed then?

_Fa. _ The King has forbid me.

_Eu. _ What King?

_Fa. _ Nay a Tyrant rather.

_Eu. _ What Tyrant prithee?

_Fa. _ I'll tell you in one Syllable. Custom (_Mos_).

_Eu. _ Alas! How many Things does that Tyrant exact beyond the Bounds of
Equity? But let us go on to talk of our Crystal and our common Glass.

_Fa. _ I believe you judge, that a Male is naturally more excellent and
strong than a Female.

_Eu. _ I believe they are.

_Fa. _ That is Mens Opinion. But are Men any Thing longer-liv'd than
Women? Are they free from Distempers?

_Eu. _ No, but in the general they are stronger.

_Fa. _ But then they themselves are excell'd by Camels in Strength.

_Eu. _ But besides, the Male was created first.

_Fa. _ So was _Adam_ before _Christ_. Artists use to be most exquisite in
their later Performances.

_Eu.
_ But God put the Woman under Subjection to the Man.

_Fa. _ It does not follow of Consequence, that he is the better because
he commands, he subjects her as a Wife, and not purely as a Woman; and
besides that he so puts the Wife under Subjection, that tho' they have
each of them Power over the other, he will have the Woman to be obedient
to the Man, not as to the more excellent, but to the more fierce Person.
Tell me, _Eutrapelus_, which is the weaker Person, he that yields to
another, or he that is yielded to?

_Eu. _ I'll grant you that, if you will explain to me, what Paul meant
when he wrote to the _Corinthians_, that _Christ was the Head of the
Man, and Man the Head of the Woman;_ and again, when he said, that _a
Man was the Image and Glory of God, and a Woman the Glory of the Man. _

_Fa. _ Well! I'll resolve you that, if you answer me this Question,
Whether or no, it is given to Men alone, to be the Members of Christ?

_Eu. _ God forbid, that is given to all Men and Women too by Faith.

_Fa. _ How comes it about then, that when there is but one Head, it
should not be common to all the Members? And besides that, since God
made Man in his own Image, whether did he express this Image in the
Shape of his Body, or the Endowments of his Mind?

_Eu. _ In the Endowments of his Mind.

_Fa. _ Well, and I pray what have Men in these more excellent than we
have? In both Sexes, there are many Drunkennesses, Brawls, Fightings,
Murders, Wars, Rapines, and Adulteries.

_Eu. _ But we Men alone fight for our Country.

_Fa. _ And you Men often desert from your Colours, and run away like
Cowards; and it is not always for the Sake of your Country, that you
leave your Wives and Children, but for the Sake of a little nasty Pay;
and, worse than Fencers at the Bear-Garden, you deliver up your Bodies
to a slavish Necessity of being killed, or yourselves killing others.
And now after all your Boasting of your warlike Prowess, there is none
of you all, but if you had once experienced what it is to bring a Child
into the World, would rather be placed ten Times in the Front of a
Battle, than undergo once what we must so often. An Army does not always
fight, and when it does, the whole Army is not always engaged. Such as
you are set in the main Body, others are kept for Bodies of Reserve, and
some are safely posted in the Rear; and lastly, many save themselves by
surrendring, and some by running away. We are obliged to encounter
Death, Hand to Hand.

_Eu. _ I have heard these Stories before now; but the Question is,
Whether they are true or not?

_Fa. _ Too true.

_Eu. _ Well then, _Fabulla_, would you have me persuade your Husband
never to touch you more? For if so, you'll be secure from that Danger.

_Fa. _ In Truth, there is nothing in the World I am more desirious of, if
you were able to effect it.

_Eu. _ If I do persuade him to it, what shall I have for my Pains?

_Fa. _ I'll present you with half a Score dry'd Neats-Tongues.

_Eu. _ I had rather have them than the Tongues of ten Nightingales. Well,
I don't dislike the Condition, but we won't make the Bargain obligatory,
before we have agreed on the Articles.

_Fa. _ And if you please, you may add any other Article.

_Eu. _ That shall be according as you are in the Mind after your Month is
up.

_Fa. _ But why not according as I am in the Mind now?

_Eu. _ Why, I'll tell you, because I am afraid you will not be in the
same Mind then; and so you would have double Wages to pay, and I double
Work to do, of persuading and dissuading him.

_Fa. _ Well, let it be as you will then. But come on, shew me why the Man
is better than the Woman.

_Eu. _ I perceive you have a Mind to engage with me in Discourse, but I
think it more adviseable to yield to you at this Time. At another Time
I'll attack you when I have furnished myself with Arguments; but not
without a Second neither. For where the Tongue is the Weapon that
decides the Quarrel; seven Men are scarce able to Deal with one Woman.

_Fa. _ Indeed the Tongue is a Woman's Weapon; but you Men are not without
it neither.

_Eu. _ Perhaps so, but where is your little Boy?

_Fa. _ In the next Room.

_Eu. _ What is he doing there, cooking the Pot?

_Fa. _ You Trifler, he's with his Nurse.

_Eu. _ What Nurse do you talk of? Has he any Nurse but his Mother?

_Fa. _ Why not? It is the Fashion.

_Eu. _ You quote the worst Author in the World, _Fabulla_, the Fashion;
'tis the Fashion to do amiss, to game, to whore, to cheat, to be drunk,
and to play the Rake.

_Fa. _ My Friends would have it so; they were of Opinion I ought to
favour myself, being young.

_Eu. _ But if Nature gives Strength to conceive, it doubtless gives
Strength to give Suck too.

_Fa. _ That may be.

_Eu. _ Prithee tell me, don't you think Mother is a very pretty Name?

_Fa. _ Yes, I do.

_Eu. _ And if such a Thing were possible, would you endure it, that
another Woman should be call'd the Mother of your Child?

_Fa. _ By no Means.

_Eu. _ Why then do you voluntarily make another Woman more than half the
Mother of what you have brought into the World?

_Fa. _ O fy! _Eutrapelus_, I don't divide my Son in two, I am intirely
his Mother, and no Body in the World else.

_Eu. _ Nay, _Fabulla_, in this Case Nature herself blames you to your
Face. Why is the Earth call'd the Mother of all Things? Is it because
she produces only? Nay, much rather, because she nourishes those Things
she produces: that which is produced by Water, is fed by Water. There is
not a living Creature or a Plant that grows on the Face of the Earth,
that the Earth does not feed with its own Moisture. Nor is there any
living Creature that does not feed its own Offspring. Owls, Lions, and
Vipers, feed their own Young, and does Womankind make her Offspring
Offcasts? Pray, what can be more cruel than they are, that turn their
Offspring out of Doors for Laziness, not to supply them with Food?

_Fa. _ That you talk of is abominable.

_Eu. _ But Womankind don't abominate it. Is it not a Sort of turning out
of Doors, to commit a tender little Infant, yet reaking of the Mother,
breathing the very Air of the Mother, imploring the Mother's Aid and
Help with its Voice, which they say will affect even a brute Creature,
to a Woman perhaps that is neither wholsome in Body, nor honest, who has
more Regard to a little Wages, than to your Child?

_Fa. _ But they have made Choice of a wholsome, sound Woman.

_Eu. _ Of this the Doctors are better Judges than yourself. But put the
Case, she is as healthful as yourself, and more too; do you think there
is no Difference between your little tender Infant's sucking its natural
and familiar Milk, and being cherish'd with Warmth it has been
accustomed to, and its being forc'd to accustom itself to those of a
Stranger? Wheat being sown in a strange Soil, degenerates into Oats or
small Wheat. A Vine being transplanted into another Hill, changes its
Nature. A Plant when it is pluck'd from its Parent Earth, withers, and
as it were dies away, and does in a Manner the same when it is
transplanted from its Native Earth.

_Fa. _ Nay, but they say, Plants that have been transplanted and grafted,
lose their wild Nature, and produce better Fruit.

_Eu. _ But not as soon as ever they peep out of the Ground, good Madam.
There will come a Time, by the Grace of God, when you will send away
your young Son from you out of Doors, to be accomplish'd with Learning
and undergo harsh Discipline, and which indeed is rather the Province of
the Father than of the Mother. But now its tender Age calls for
Indulgence. And besides, whereas the Food, according as it is,
contributes much to the Health and Strength of the Body, so more
especially it is essential to take Care, with what Milk that little,
tender, soft Body be season'd. For _Horace's_ Saying takes Place here.
_Quo semel est imbuta recens servabit odorem Testa diu. What is bred in
the Bone, will never out of the Flesh. _

_Fa. _ I don't so much concern myself as to his Body, so his Mind be but
as I would have it.

_Eu. _ That indeed is piously spoken, but not philosophically.

_Fa. _ Why not?

_Eu. _ Why do you when you shred Herbs, complain your Knife is blunt, and
order it to be whetted? Why do you reject a blunt pointed Needle, when
that does not deprive you of your Art?

_Fa. _ Art is not wanting, but an unfit Instrument hinders the exerting
it.

_Eu. _ Why do they that have much Occasion to use their Eyes, avoid
Darnel and Onions?

_Fa. _ Because they hurt the Sight.

_Eu. _ Is it not the Mind that sees?

_Fa. _ It is, for those that are dead see nothing. But what can a
Carpenter do with an Ax whose Edge is spoiled?

_Eu. _ Then you do acknowledge the Body is the Organ of the Mind?

_Fa. _ That's plain.

_Eu. _ And you grant that in a vitiated Body the Mind either cannot act
at all, or if it does, it is with Inconvenience?

_Fa. _ Very likely.

_Eu. _ Well, I find I have an intelligent Person to deal with; suppose
the Soul of a Man was to pass into the Body of a Cock, would it make the
same Sound it does now?

_Fa. _ No to be sure.

_Eu. _ What would hinder?

_Fa. _ Because it would want Lips, Teeth, and a Tongue, like to that of a
Man. It has neither the Epiglottis, nor the three Cartilages, that are
moved by three Muscles, to which Nerves are joined that come from the
Brain; nor has it Jaws and Teeth like a Man's.

_Eu. _ What if it should go into the Body of a Swine?

_Fa. _ Then it would grunt like a Swine.

_Eu. _ What if it should pass into the Body of a Camel?

_Fa. _ It would make a Noise like a Camel.

_Eu. _ What if it should pass into the Body of an Ass, as it happened to
_Apuleius_?

_Fa. _ Then I think it would bray as an Ass does.

_Eu. _ Indeed he is a Proof of this, who when he had a Mind to call after
_Caesar_, having contracted his Lips as much as he possibly could,
scarce pronounced O, but could by no Means pronounce _Caesar. _ The same
Person, when having heard a Story, and that he might not forget it,
would have written it, reprehended himself for his foolish Thought, when
he beheld his solid Hoofs.

_Fa. _ And he had Cause enough.

_Eu. _ Then it follows that the Soul does not see well thro' purblind
Eyes. The Ears hear not clearly when stopped with Filth. The Brain
smells not so well when oppressed with Phlegm. And a Member feels not so
much when it is benumbed. The Tongue tastes less, when vitiated with ill
Humours.

_Fa. _ These Things can't be denied.

_Eu. _ And for no other Cause, but because the Organ is vitiated.

_Fa. _ I believe the same.

_Eu. _ Nor will you deny, I suppose, that sometimes it is vitiated by
Food and Drink.

_Fa. _ I'll grant that too, but what signifies that to the Goodness of
the Mind?

_Eu. _ As much as Darnel does to a clear Eye-Sight.

_Fa. _ Because it vitiates the Organ.