No More Learning

Lovant, of Panzoust, of the Coldraux, of Verron, of Coulaines, of
Chose, of Varenes, of Bourgueil, of the Bouchard Island, of the Croullay,
of Narsay, of Cande, of Montsoreau, and other bordering places, sent
ambassadors unto Grangousier, to tell him that they were advised of the
great wrongs which Picrochole had done him, and, in regard of their ancient
confederacy, offered him what assistance they could afford, both in men,
money, victuals, and ammunition, and other necessaries for war. The money
which by the joint agreement of them all was sent unto him, amounted to six
score and fourteen millions, two crowns and a half of pure gold. The
forces wherewith they did assist him did consist in fifteen thousand
cuirassiers, two-and-thirty thousand light horsemen, four score and nine
thousand dragoons, and a hundred-and-forty thousand volunteer adventurers.
These had with them eleven thousand and two hundred cannons, double
cannons, long pieces of artillery called basilisks, and smaller sized ones
known by the name of spirols, besides the mortar-pieces and grenadoes. Of
pioneers they had seven-and-forty thousand, all victualled and paid for six
months and four days of advance. Which offer Gargantua did not altogether
refuse, nor wholly accept of; but, giving them hearty thanks, said that he
would compose and order the war by such a device, that there should not be
found great need to put so many honest men to trouble in the managing of
it; and therefore was content at that time to give order only for bringing
along the legions which he maintained in his ordinary garrison towns of the
Deviniere, of Chavigny, of Gravot, and of the Quinquenais, amounting to the
number of two thousand cuirassiers, three score and six thousand
foot-soldiers, six-and-twenty thousand dragoons, attended by two hundred
pieces of great ordnance, two-and-twenty thousand pioneers, and six thousand
light horsemen, all drawn up in troops, so well befitted and accommodated
with their commissaries, sutlers, farriers, harness-makers, and other such
like necessary members in a military camp, so fully instructed in the art of
warfare, so perfectly knowing and following their colours, so ready to hear
and obey their captains, so nimble to run, so strong at their charging, so
prudent in their adventures, and every day so well disciplined, that they
seemed rather to be a concert of organ-pipes, or mutual concord of the
wheels of a clock, than an infantry and cavalry, or army of soldiers.

Touchfaucet immediately after his return presented himself before
Picrochole, and related unto him at large all that he had done and seen,
and at last endeavoured to persuade him with strong and forcible arguments
to capitulate and make an agreement with Grangousier, whom he found to be
the honestest man in the world; saying further, that it was neither right
nor reason thus to trouble his neighbours, of whom they had never received
anything but good. And in regard of the main point, that they should never
be able to go through stitch with that war, but to their great damage and
mischief; for the forces of Picrochole were not so considerable but that
Grangousier could easily overthrow them.

He had not well done speaking when Rashcalf said out aloud, Unhappy is that
prince which is by such men served, who are so easily corrupted, as I know
Touchfaucet is. For I see his courage so changed that he had willingly
joined with our enemies to fight against us and betray us, if they would
have received him; but as virtue is of all, both friends and foes, praised
and esteemed, so is wickedness soon known and suspected, and although it
happen the enemies to make use thereof for their profit, yet have they
always the wicked and the traitors in abomination.

Touchfaucet being at these words very impatient, drew out his sword, and
therewith ran Rashcalf through the body, a little under the nipple of his
left side, whereof he died presently, and pulling back his sword out of his
body said boldly, So let him perish that shall a faithful servant blame.
Picrochole incontinently grew furious, and seeing Touchfaucet's new sword
and his scabbard so richly diapered with flourishes of most excellent
workmanship, said, Did they give thee this weapon so feloniously therewith
to kill before my face my so good friend Rashcalf? Then immediately
commanded he his guard to hew him in pieces, which was instantly done, and
that so cruelly that the chamber was all dyed with blood. Afterwards he
appointed the corpse of Rashcalf to be honourably buried, and that of
Touchfaucet to be cast over the walls into the ditch.

The news of these excessive violences were quickly spread through all the
army; whereupon many began to murmur against Picrochole, in so far that
Pinchpenny said to him, My sovereign lord, I know not what the issue of
this enterprise will be. I see your men much dejected, and not well
resolved in their minds, by considering that we are here very ill provided
of victual, and that our number is already much diminished by three or four
sallies. Furthermore, great supplies and recruits come daily in to your
enemies; but we so moulder away that, if we be once besieged, I do not see
how we can escape a total destruction. Tush, pish, said Picrochole, you
are like the Melun eels, you cry before they come to you. Let them come,
let them come, if they dare.



Chapter 1. XLVIII.

How Gargantua set upon Picrochole within the rock Clermond, and utterly
defeated the army of the said Picrochole.

Gargantua had the charge of the whole army, and his father Grangousier
stayed in his castle, who, encouraging them with good words, promised great
rewards unto those that should do any notable service. Having thus set
forward, as soon as they had gained the pass at the ford of Vede, with
boats and bridges speedily made they passed over in a trice. Then
considering the situation of the town, which was on a high and advantageous
place, Gargantua thought fit to call his council, and pass that night in
deliberation upon what was to be done. But Gymnast said unto him, My
sovereign lord, such is the nature and complexion of the French, that they
are worth nothing but at the first push. Then are they more fierce than
devils. But if they linger a little and be wearied with delays, they'll
prove more faint and remiss than women. My opinion is, therefore, that now
presently, after your men have taken breath and some small refection, you
give order for a resolute assault, and that we storm them instantly. His
advice was found very good, and for effectuating thereof he brought forth
his army into the plain field, and placed the reserves on the skirt or
rising of a little hill. The monk took along with him six companies of
foot and two hundred horsemen well armed, and with great diligence crossed
the marsh, and valiantly got upon the top of the green hillock even unto
the highway which leads to Loudun. Whilst the assault was thus begun,
Picrochole's men could not tell well what was best, to issue out and
receive the assailants, or keep within the town and not to stir. Himself
in the mean time, without deliberation, sallied forth in a rage with the
cavalry of his guard, who were forthwith received and royally entertained
with great cannon-shot that fell upon them like hail from the high grounds
on which the artillery was planted. Whereupon the Gargantuists betook
themselves unto the valleys, to give the ordnance leave to play and range
with the larger scope.

Those of the town defended themselves as well as they could, but their shot
passed over us without doing us any hurt at all. Some of Picrochole's men
that had escaped our artillery set most fiercely upon our soldiers, but
prevailed little; for they were all let in betwixt the files, and there
knocked down to the ground, which their fellow-soldiers seeing, they would
have retreated, but the monk having seized upon the pass by the which they
were to return, they ran away and fled in all the disorder and confusion
that could be imagined.

Some would have pursued after them and followed the chase, but the monk
withheld them, apprehending that in their pursuit the pursuers might lose
their ranks, and so give occasion to the besieged to sally out of the town
upon them. Then staying there some space and none coming against him, he
sent the Duke Phrontist to advise Gargantua to advance towards the hill
upon the left hand, to hinder Picrochole's retreat at that gate; which
Gargantua did with all expedition, and sent thither four brigades under the
conduct of Sebast, which had no sooner reached the top of the hill, but
they met Picrochole in the teeth, and those that were with him scattered.

Then charged they upon them stoutly, yet were they much endamaged by those
that were upon the walls, who galled them with all manner of shot, both
from the great ordnance, small guns, and bows. Which Gargantua perceiving,
he went with a strong party to their relief, and with his artillery began
to thunder so terribly upon that canton of the wall, and so long, that all
the strength within the town, to maintain and fill up the breach, was drawn
thither. The monk seeing that quarter which he kept besieged void of men
and competent guards, and in a manner altogether naked and abandoned, did
most magnanimously on a sudden lead up his men towards the fort, and never
left it till he had got up upon it, knowing that such as come to the
reserve in a conflict bring with them always more fear and terror than
those that deal about them with they hands in the fight.

Nevertheless, he gave no alarm till all his soldiers had got within the
wall, except the two hundred horsemen, whom he left without to secure his
entry. Then did he give a most horrible shout, so did all these who were
with him, and immediately thereafter, without resistance, putting to the
edge of the sword the guard that was at that gate, they opened it to the
horsemen, with whom most furiously they altogether ran towards the east
gate, where all the hurlyburly was, and coming close upon them in the rear
overthrew all their forces.

The besieged, seeing that the Gargantuists had won the town upon them, and
that they were like to be secure in no corner of it, submitted themselves
unto the mercy of the monk, and asked for quarter, which the monk very
nobly granted to them, yet made them lay down their arms; then, shutting
them up within churches, gave order to seize upon all the staves of the
crosses, and placed men at the doors to keep them from coming forth. Then
opening that east gate, he issued out to succour and assist Gargantua. But
Picrochole, thinking it had been some relief coming to him from the town,
adventured more forwardly than before, and was upon the giving of a most
desperate home-charge, when Gargantua cried out, Ha, Friar John, my friend
Friar John, you are come in a good hour. Which unexpected accident so
affrighted Picrochole and his men, that, giving all for lost, they betook
themselves to their heels, and fled on all hands. Gargantua chased them
till they came near to Vaugaudry, killing and slaying all the way, and then
sounded the retreat.



Chapter 1. XLIX.

How Picrochole in his flight fell into great misfortunes, and what
Gargantua did after the battle.

Picrochole thus in despair fled towards the Bouchard Island, and in the way
to Riviere his horse stumbled and fell down, whereat he on a sudden was so
incensed, that he with his sword without more ado killed him in his choler;
then, not finding any that would remount him, he was about to have taken an
ass at the mill that was thereby; but the miller's men did so baste his
bones and so soundly bethwack him that they made him both black and blue
with strokes; then stripping him of all his clothes, gave him a scurvy old
canvas jacket wherewith to cover his nakedness. Thus went along this poor
choleric wretch, who, passing the water at Port-Huaulx, and relating his
misadventurous disasters, was foretold by an old Lourpidon hag that his
kingdom should be restored to him at the coming of the Cocklicranes, which
she called Coquecigrues. What is become of him since we cannot certainly
tell, yet was I told that he is now a porter at Lyons, as testy and pettish
in humour as ever he was before, and would be always with great lamentation
inquiring at all strangers of the coming of the Cocklicranes, expecting
assuredly, according to the old woman's prophecy, that at their coming he
shall be re-established in his kingdom. The first thing Gargantua did
after his return into the town was to call the muster-roll of his men,
which when he had done, he found that there were very few either killed or
wounded, only some few foot of Captain Tolmere's company, and Ponocrates,
who was shot with a musket-ball through the doublet. Then he caused them
all at and in their several posts and divisions to take a little
refreshment, which was very plenteously provided for them in the best drink
and victuals that could be had for money, and gave order to the treasurers
and commissaries of the army to pay for and defray that repast, and that
there should be no outrage at all nor abuse committed in the town, seeing
it was his own. And furthermore commanded, that immediately after the
soldiers had done with eating and drinking for that time sufficiently and
to their own hearts' desire, a gathering should be beaten for bringing them
altogether, to be drawn up on the piazza before the castle, there to
receive six months' pay completely. All which was done. After this, by
his direction, were brought before him in the said place all those that
remained of Picrochole's party, unto whom, in the presence of the princes,
nobles, and officers of his court and army, he spoke as followeth.



Chapter 1. L.

Gargantua's speech to the vanquished.

Our forefathers and ancestors of all times have been of this nature and
disposition, that, upon the winning of a battle, they have chosen rather,
for a sign and memorial of their triumphs and victories, to erect trophies
and monuments in the hearts of the vanquished by clemency than by
architecture in the lands which they had conquered. For they did hold in
greater estimation the lively remembrance of men purchased by liberality
than the dumb inscription of arches, pillars, and pyramids, subject to the
injury of storms and tempests, and to the envy of everyone. You may very
well remember of the courtesy which by them was used towards the Bretons in
the battle of St. Aubin of Cormier and at the demolishing of Partenay. You
have heard, and hearing admire, their gentle comportment towards those at
the barriers (the barbarians) of Spaniola, who had plundered, wasted, and
ransacked the maritime borders of Olone and Thalmondois. All this
hemisphere of the world was filled with the praises and congratulations
which yourselves and your fathers made, when Alpharbal, King of Canarre,
not satisfied with his own fortunes, did most furiously invade the land of
Onyx, and with cruel piracies molest all the Armoric Islands and confine
regions of Britany. Yet was he in a set naval fight justly taken and
vanquished by my father, whom God preserve and protect. But what? Whereas
other kings and emperors, yea, those who entitle themselves Catholics,
would have dealt roughly with him, kept him a close prisoner, and put him
to an extreme high ransom, he entreated him very courteously, lodged him
kindly with himself in his own palace, and out of his incredible mildness
and gentle disposition sent him back with a safe conduct, laden with gifts,
laden with favours, laden with all offices of friendship. What fell out
upon it? Being returned into his country, he called a parliament, where
all the princes and states of his kingdom being assembled, he showed them
the humanity which he had found in us, and therefore wished them to take
such course by way of compensation therein as that the whole world might be
edified by the example, as well of their honest graciousness to us as of
our gracious honesty towards them. The result hereof was, that it was
voted and decreed by an unanimous consent, that they should offer up
entirely their lands, dominions, and kingdoms, to be disposed of by us
according to our pleasure.

Alpharbal in his own person presently returned with nine thousand and
thirty-eight great ships of burden, bringing with him the treasures, not
only of his house and royal lineage, but almost of all the country besides.
For he embarking himself, to set sail with a west-north-east wind, everyone
in heaps did cast into the ship gold, silver, rings, jewels, spices, drugs,
and aromatical perfumes, parrots, pelicans, monkeys, civet-cats,
black-spotted weasels, porcupines, &c. He was accounted no good mother's
son that did not cast in all the rare and precious things he had.

Being safely arrived, he came to my said father, and would have kissed his
feet. That action was found too submissively low, and therefore was not
permitted, but in exchange he was most cordially embraced. He offered his
presents; they were not received, because they were too excessive: he
yielded himself voluntarily a servant and vassal, and was content his whole
posterity should be liable to the same bondage; this was not accepted of,
because it seemed not equitable: he surrendered, by virtue of the decree
of his great parliamentary council, his whole countries and kingdoms to
him, offering the deed and conveyance, signed, sealed, and ratified by all
those that were concerned in it; this was altogether refused, and the
parchments cast into the fire. In end, this free goodwill and simple
meaning of the Canarians wrought such tenderness in my father's heart that
he could not abstain from shedding tears, and wept most profusely; then, by
choice words very congruously adapted, strove in what he could to diminish
the estimation of the good offices which he had done them, saying, that any
courtesy he had conferred upon them was not worth a rush, and what favour
soever he had showed them he was bound to do it. But so much the more did
Alpharbal augment the repute thereof. What was the issue? Whereas for his
ransom, in the greatest extremity of rigour and most tyrannical dealing,
could not have been exacted above twenty times a hundred thousand crowns,
and his eldest sons detained as hostages till that sum had been paid, they
made themselves perpetual tributaries, and obliged to give us every year
two millions of gold at four-and-twenty carats fine. The first year we
received the whole sum of two millions; the second year of their own accord
they paid freely to us three-and-twenty hundred thousand crowns; the third
year, six-and-twenty hundred thousand; the fourth year, three millions, and
do so increase it always out of their own goodwill that we shall be
constrained to forbid them to bring us any more. This is the nature of
gratitude and true thankfulness. For time, which gnaws and diminisheth all
things else, augments and increaseth benefits; because a noble action of
liberality, done to a man of reason, doth grow continually by his generous
thinking of it and remembering it.

Being unwilling therefore any way to degenerate from the hereditary
mildness and clemency of my parents, I do now forgive you, deliver you from
all fines and imprisonments, fully release you, set you at liberty, and
every way make you as frank and free as ever you were before. Moreover, at
your going out of the gate, you shall have every one of you three months'
pay to bring you home into your houses and families, and shall have a safe
convoy of six hundred cuirassiers and eight thousand foot under the conduct
of Alexander, esquire of my body, that the clubmen of the country may not
do you any injury. God be with you! I am sorry from my heart that
Picrochole is not here; for I would have given him to understand that this
war was undertaken against my will and without any hope to increase either
my goods or renown. But seeing he is lost, and that no man can tell where
nor how he went away, it is my will that his kingdom remain entire to his
son; who, because he is too young, he not being yet full five years old,
shall be brought up and instructed by the ancient princes and learned men
of the kingdom. And because a realm thus desolate may easily come to ruin,
if the covetousness and avarice of those who by their places are obliged to
administer justice in it be not curbed and restrained, I ordain and will
have it so, that Ponocrates be overseer and superintendent above all his
governors, with whatever power and authority is requisite thereto, and that
he be continually with the child until he find him able and capable to rule
and govern by himself.

Now I must tell you, that you are to understand how a too feeble and
dissolute facility in pardoning evildoers giveth them occasion to commit
wickedness afterwards more readily, upon this pernicious confidence of
receiving favour. I consider that Moses, the meekest man that was in his
time upon the earth, did severely punish the mutinous and seditious people
of Israel. I consider likewise that Julius Caesar, who was so gracious an
emperor that Cicero said of him that his fortune had nothing more excellent
than that he could, and his virtue nothing better than that he would always
save and pardon every man--he, notwithstanding all this, did in certain
places most rigorously punish the authors of rebellion. After the example
of these good men, it is my will and pleasure that you deliver over unto me
before you depart hence, first, that fine fellow Marquet, who was the prime
cause, origin, and groundwork of this war by his vain presumption and
overweening; secondly, his fellow cake-bakers, who were neglective in
checking and reprehending his idle hairbrained humour in the instant time;
and lastly, all the councillors, captains, officers, and domestics of
Picrochole, who had been incendiaries or fomenters of the war by provoking,
praising, or counselling him to come out of his limits thus to trouble us.



Chapter 1. LI.

How the victorious Gargantuists were recompensed after the battle.

When Gargantua had finished his speech, the seditious men whom he required
were delivered up unto him, except Swashbuckler, Dirt-tail, and Smalltrash,
who ran away six hours before the battle--one of them as far as to
Lainiel-neck at one course, another to the valley of Vire, and the third
even unto Logroine, without looking back or taking breath by the way--and
two of the cake-bakers who were slain in the fight. Gargantua did them no
other hurt but that he appointed them to pull at the presses of his
printing-house which he had newly set up. Then those who died there he
caused to be honourably buried in Black-soile valley and Burn-hag field, and
gave order that the wounded should be dressed and had care of in his great
hospital or nosocome. After this, considering the great prejudice done to
the town and its inhabitants, he reimbursed their charges and repaired all
the losses that by their confession upon oath could appear they had
sustained; and, for their better defence and security in times coming
against all sudden uproars and invasions, commanded a strong citadel to be
built there with a competent garrison to maintain it. At his departure he
did very graciously thank all the soldiers of the brigades that had been at
this overthrow, and sent them back to their winter-quarters in their several
stations and garrisons; the decumane legion only excepted, whom in the field
on that day he saw do some great exploit, and their captains also, whom he
brought along with himself unto Grangousier.

At the sight and coming of them, the good man was so joyful, that it is not
possible fully to describe it. He made them a feast the most magnificent,
plentiful, and delicious that ever was seen since the time of the king
Ahasuerus. At the taking up of the table he distributed amongst them his
whole cupboard of plate, which weighed eight hundred thousand and fourteen
bezants (Each bezant is worth five pounds English money. ) of gold, in great
antique vessels, huge pots, large basins, big tasses, cups, goblets,
candlesticks, comfit-boxes, and other such plate, all of pure massy gold,
besides the precious stones, enamelling, and workmanship, which by all
men's estimation was more worth than the matter of the gold. Then unto
every one of them out of his coffers caused he to be given the sum of
twelve hundred thousand crowns ready money. And, further, he gave to each
of them for ever and in perpetuity, unless he should happen to decease
without heirs, such castles and neighbouring lands of his as were most
commodious for them. To Ponocrates he gave the rock Clermond; to Gymnast,
the Coudray; to Eudemon, Montpensier; Rivau, to Tolmere, to Ithibolle,
Montsoreau; to Acamas, Cande; Varenes, to Chironacte; Gravot, to Sebast;
Quinquenais, to Alexander; Legre, to Sophrone, and so of his other places.



Chapter 1. LII.

How Gargantua caused to be built for the Monk the Abbey of Theleme.

There was left only the monk to provide for, whom Gargantua would have made
Abbot of Seville, but he refused it. He would have given him the Abbey of
Bourgueil, or of Sanct Florent, which was better, or both, if it pleased
him; but the monk gave him a very peremptory answer, that he would never
take upon him the charge nor government of monks. For how shall I be able,
said he, to rule over others, that have not full power and command of
myself? If you think I have done you, or may hereafter do any acceptable
service, give me leave to found an abbey after my own mind and fancy. The
motion pleased Gargantua very well, who thereupon offered him all the
country of Theleme by the river of Loire till within two leagues of the
great forest of Port-Huaulx. The monk then requested Gargantua to
institute his religious order contrary to all others. First, then, said
Gargantua, you must not build a wall about your convent, for all other
abbeys are strongly walled and mured about. See, said the monk, and not
without cause (seeing wall and mur signify but one and the same thing);
where there is mur before and mur behind, there is store of murmur, envy,
and mutual conspiracy. Moreover, seeing there are certain convents in the
world whereof the custom is, if any woman come in, I mean chaste and honest
women, they immediately sweep the ground which they have trod upon;
therefore was it ordained, that if any man or woman entered into religious
orders should by chance come within this new abbey, all the rooms should be
thoroughly washed and cleansed through which they had passed. And because
in all other monasteries and nunneries all is compassed, limited, and
regulated by hours, it was decreed that in this new structure there should
be neither clock nor dial, but that according to the opportunities and
incident occasions all their hours should be disposed of; for, said
Gargantua, the greatest loss of time that I know is to count the hours.
What good comes of it? Nor can there be any greater dotage in the world
than for one to guide and direct his courses by the sound of a bell, and
not by his own judgment and discretion.

Item, Because at that time they put no women into nunneries but such as
were either purblind, blinkards, lame, crooked, ill-favoured, misshapen,
fools, senseless, spoiled, or corrupt; nor encloistered any men but those
that were either sickly, subject to defluxions, ill-bred louts, simple
sots, or peevish trouble-houses. But to the purpose, said the monk. A
woman that is neither fair nor good, to what use serves she? To make a nun
of, said Gargantua. Yea, said the monk, and to make shirts and smocks.
Therefore was it ordained that into this religious order should be admitted
no women that were not fair, well-featured, and of a sweet disposition; nor
men that were not comely, personable, and well conditioned.

Item, Because in the convents of women men come not but underhand, privily,
and by stealth, it was therefore enacted that in this house there shall be
no women in case there be not men, nor men in case there be not women.

Item, Because both men and women that are received into religious orders
after the expiring of their noviciate or probation year were constrained
and forced perpetually to stay there all the days of their life, it was
therefore ordered that all whatever, men or women, admitted within this
abbey, should have full leave to depart with peace and contentment
whensoever it should seem good to them so to do.

Item, for that the religious men and women did ordinarily make three vows,
to wit, those of chastity, poverty, and obedience, it was therefore
constituted and appointed that in this convent they might be honourably
married, that they might be rich, and live at liberty. In regard of the
legitimate time of the persons to be initiated, and years under and above
which they were not capable of reception, the women were to be admitted
from ten till fifteen, and the men from twelve till eighteen.



Chapter 1. LIII.

How the abbey of the Thelemites was built and endowed.

For the fabric and furniture of the abbey Gargantua caused to be delivered
out in ready money seven-and-twenty hundred thousand, eight hundred and
one-and-thirty of those golden rams of Berry which have a sheep stamped on
the one side and a flowered cross on the other; and for every year, until
the whole work were completed, he allotted threescore nine thousand crowns
of the sun, and as many of the seven stars, to be charged all upon the
receipt of the custom. For the foundation and maintenance thereof for
ever, he settled a perpetual fee-farm-rent of three-and-twenty hundred,
three score and nine thousand, five hundred and fourteen rose nobles,
exempted from all homage, fealty, service, or burden whatsoever, and
payable every year at the gate of the abbey; and of this by letters patent
passed a very good grant. The architecture was in a figure hexagonal, and
in such a fashion that in every one of the six corners there was built a
great round tower of threescore foot in diameter, and were all of a like
form and bigness. Upon the north side ran along the river of Loire, on the
bank whereof was situated the tower called Arctic. Going towards the east,
there was another called Calaer,--the next following Anatole,--the next
Mesembrine,--the next Hesperia, and the last Criere. Every tower was
distant from other the space of three hundred and twelve paces. The whole
edifice was everywhere six storeys high, reckoning the cellars underground
for one. The second was arched after the fashion of a basket-handle; the
rest were ceiled with pure wainscot, flourished with Flanders fretwork, in
the form of the foot of a lamp, and covered above with fine slates, with an
endorsement of lead, carrying the antique figures of little puppets and
animals of all sorts, notably well suited to one another, and gilt,
together with the gutters, which, jutting without the walls from betwixt
the crossbars in a diagonal figure, painted with gold and azure, reached to
the very ground, where they ended into great conduit-pipes, which carried
all away unto the river from under the house.

This same building was a hundred times more sumptuous and magnificent than
ever was Bonnivet, Chambourg, or Chantilly; for there were in it nine
thousand, three hundred and two-and-thirty chambers, every one whereof had
a withdrawing-room, a handsome closet, a wardrobe, an oratory, and neat
passage, leading into a great and spacious hall. Between every tower in
the midst of the said body of building there was a pair of winding, such as
we now call lantern stairs, whereof the steps were part of porphyry, which
is a dark red marble spotted with white, part of Numidian stone, which is a
kind of yellowishly-streaked marble upon various colours, and part of
serpentine marble, with light spots on a dark green ground, each of those
steps being two-and-twenty foot in length and three fingers thick, and the
just number of twelve betwixt every rest, or, as we now term it,
landing-place. In every resting-place were two fair antique arches where
the light came in: and by those they went into a cabinet, made even with
and of the breadth of the said winding, and the reascending above the roofs
of the house ended conically in a pavilion. By that vise or winding they
entered on every side into a great hall, and from the halls into the
chambers. From the Arctic tower unto the Criere were the fair great
libraries in Greek, Latin, Hebrew, French, Italian, and Spanish,
respectively distributed in their several cantons, according to the
diversity of these languages. In the midst there was a wonderful scalier or
winding-stair, the entry whereof was without the house, in a vault or arch
six fathom broad. It was made in such symmetry and largeness that six
men-at-arms with their lances in their rests might together in a breast ride
all up to the very top of all the palace. From the tower Anatole to the
Mesembrine were fair spacious galleries, all coloured over and painted with
the ancient prowesses, histories, and descriptions of the world. In the
midst thereof there was likewise such another ascent and gate as we said
there was on the river-side. Upon that gate was written in great antique
letters that which followeth.



Chapter 1. LIV.

The inscription set upon the great gate of Theleme.

Here enter not vile bigots, hypocrites,
Externally devoted apes, base snites,
Puffed-up, wry-necked beasts, worse than the Huns,
Or Ostrogoths, forerunners of baboons:
Cursed snakes, dissembled varlets, seeming sancts,
Slipshod caffards, beggars pretending wants,
Fat chuffcats, smell-feast knockers, doltish gulls,
Out-strouting cluster-fists, contentious bulls,
Fomenters of divisions and debates,
Elsewhere, not here, make sale of your deceits.

Your filthy trumperies
Stuffed with pernicious lies
(Not worth a bubble),
Would do but trouble
Our earthly paradise,
Your filthy trumperies.

Here enter not attorneys, barristers,
Nor bridle-champing law-practitioners:
Clerks, commissaries, scribes, nor pharisees,
Wilful disturbers of the people's ease:
Judges, destroyers, with an unjust breath,
Of honest men, like dogs, even unto death.
Your salary is at the gibbet-foot:
Go drink there! for we do not here fly out
On those excessive courses, which may draw
A waiting on your courts by suits in law.

Lawsuits, debates, and wrangling
Hence are exiled, and jangling.
Here we are very
Frolic and merry,
And free from all entangling,
Lawsuits, debates, and wrangling.

Here enter not base pinching usurers,
Pelf-lickers, everlasting gatherers,
Gold-graspers, coin-gripers, gulpers of mists,
Niggish deformed sots, who, though your chests
Vast sums of money should to you afford,
Would ne'ertheless add more unto that hoard,
And yet not be content,--you clunchfist dastards,
Insatiable fiends, and Pluto's bastards,
Greedy devourers, chichy sneakbill rogues,
Hell-mastiffs gnaw your bones, you ravenous dogs.

You beastly-looking fellows,
Reason doth plainly tell us
That we should not
To you allot
Room here, but at the gallows,
You beastly-looking fellows.

Here enter not fond makers of demurs
In love adventures, peevish, jealous curs,
Sad pensive dotards, raisers of garboils,
Hags, goblins, ghosts, firebrands of household broils,
Nor drunkards, liars, cowards, cheaters, clowns,
Thieves, cannibals, faces o'ercast with frowns,
Nor lazy slugs, envious, covetous,
Nor blockish, cruel, nor too credulous,--
Here mangy, pocky folks shall have no place,
No ugly lusks, nor persons of disgrace.

Grace, honour, praise, delight,
Here sojourn day and night.
Sound bodies lined
With a good mind,
Do here pursue with might
Grace, honour, praise, delight.

Here enter you, and welcome from our hearts,
All noble sparks, endowed with gallant parts.
This is the glorious place, which bravely shall
Afford wherewith to entertain you all.
Were you a thousand, here you shall not want
For anything; for what you'll ask we'll grant.
Stay here, you lively, jovial, handsome, brisk,
Gay, witty, frolic, cheerful, merry, frisk,
Spruce, jocund, courteous, furtherers of trades,
And, in a word, all worthy gentle blades.

Blades of heroic breasts
Shall taste here of the feasts,
Both privily
And civilly
Of the celestial guests,
Blades of heroic breasts.

Here enter you, pure, honest, faithful, true
Expounders of the Scriptures old and new.
Whose glosses do not blind our reason, but
Make it to see the clearer, and who shut
Its passages from hatred, avarice,
Pride, factions, covenants, and all sort of vice.
Come, settle here a charitable faith,
Which neighbourly affection nourisheth.
And whose light chaseth all corrupters hence,
Of the blest word, from the aforesaid sense.

The holy sacred Word,
May it always afford
T' us all in common,
Both man and woman,
A spiritual shield and sword,
The holy sacred Word.

Here enter you all ladies of high birth,
Delicious, stately, charming, full of mirth,
Ingenious, lovely, miniard, proper, fair,
Magnetic, graceful, splendid, pleasant, rare,
Obliging, sprightly, virtuous, young, solacious,
Kind, neat, quick, feat, bright, compt, ripe, choice, dear, precious.
Alluring, courtly, comely, fine, complete,
Wise, personable, ravishing, and sweet,
Come joys enjoy. The Lord celestial
Hath given enough wherewith to please us all.

Gold give us, God forgive us,
And from all woes relieve us;
That we the treasure
May reap of pleasure,
And shun whate'er is grievous,
Gold give us, God forgive us.



Chapter 1. LV.

What manner of dwelling the Thelemites had.

In the middle of the lower court there was a stately fountain of fair
alabaster. Upon the top thereof stood the three Graces, with their
cornucopias, or horns of abundance, and did jet out the water at their
breasts, mouth, ears, eyes, and other open passages of the body. The
inside of the buildings in this lower court stood upon great pillars of
chalcedony stone and porphyry marble made archways after a goodly antique
fashion. Within those were spacious galleries, long and large, adorned
with curious pictures, the horns of bucks and unicorns: with rhinoceroses,
water-horses called hippopotames, the teeth and tusks of elephants, and
other things well worth the beholding. The lodging of the ladies, for so
we may call those gallant women, took up all from the tower Arctic unto the
gate Mesembrine. The men possessed the rest. Before the said lodging of
the ladies, that they might have their recreation, between the two first
towers, on the outside, were placed the tiltyard, the barriers or lists for
tournaments, the hippodrome or riding-court, the theatre or public
playhouse, and natatory or place to swim in, with most admirable baths in
three stages, situated above one another, well furnished with all necessary
accommodation, and store of myrtle-water. By the river-side was the fair
garden of pleasure, and in the midst of that the glorious labyrinth.
Between the two other towers were the courts for the tennis and the
balloon. Towards the tower Criere stood the orchard full of all
fruit-trees, set and ranged in a quincuncial order.
At the end of that was
the great park, abounding with all sort of venison. Betwixt the third
couple of towers were the butts and marks for shooting with a snapwork gun,
an ordinary bow for common archery, or with a crossbow. The office-houses
were without the tower Hesperia, of one storey high. The stables were
beyond the offices, and before them stood the falconry, managed by
ostrich-keepers and falconers very expert in the art, and it was yearly
supplied and furnished by the Candians, Venetians, Sarmates, now called
Muscoviters, with all sorts of most excellent hawks, eagles, gerfalcons,
goshawks, sacres, lanners, falcons, sparrowhawks, marlins, and other kinds
of them, so gentle and perfectly well manned, that, flying of themselves
sometimes from the castle for their own disport, they would not fail to
catch whatever they encountered. The venery, where the beagles and hounds
were kept, was a little farther off, drawing towards the park.

All the halls, chambers, and closets or cabinets were richly hung with
tapestry and hangings of divers sorts, according to the variety of the
seasons of the year. All the pavements and floors were covered with green
cloth. The beds were all embroidered. In every back-chamber or
withdrawing-room there was a looking-glass of pure crystal set in a frame
of fine gold, garnished all about with pearls, and was of such greatness
that it would represent to the full the whole lineaments and proportion of
the person that stood before it. At the going out of the halls which
belong to the ladies' lodgings were the perfumers and trimmers through
whose hands the gallants passed when they were to visit the ladies. Those
sweet artificers did every morning furnish the ladies' chambers with the
spirit of roses, orange-flower-water, and angelica; and to each of them
gave a little precious casket vapouring forth the most odoriferous
exhalations of the choicest aromatical scents.



Chapter 1. LVI.

How the men and women of the religious order of Theleme were apparelled.

The ladies at the foundation of this order were apparelled after their own
pleasure and liking; but, since that of their own accord and free will they
have reformed themselves, their accoutrement is in manner as followeth.
They wore stockings of scarlet crimson, or ingrained purple dye, which
reached just three inches above the knee, having a list beautified with
exquisite embroideries and rare incisions of the cutter's art. Their
garters were of the colour of their bracelets, and circled the knee a
little both over and under. Their shoes, pumps, and slippers were either
of red, violet, or crimson-velvet, pinked and jagged like lobster waddles.

Next to their smock they put on the pretty kirtle or vasquin of pure silk
camlet: above that went the taffety or tabby farthingale, of white, red,
tawny, grey, or of any other colour. Above this taffety petticoat they had
another of cloth of tissue or brocade, embroidered with fine gold and
interlaced with needlework, or as they thought good, and according to the
temperature and disposition of the weather had their upper coats of satin,
damask, or velvet, and those either orange, tawny, green, ash-coloured,
blue, yellow, bright red, crimson, or white, and so forth; or had them of
cloth of gold, cloth of silver, or some other choice stuff, enriched with
purl, or embroidered according to the dignity of the festival days and
times wherein they wore them.

Their gowns, being still correspondent to the season, were either of cloth
of gold frizzled with a silver-raised work; of red satin, covered with gold
purl; of tabby, or taffety, white, blue, black, tawny, &c. , of silk serge,
silk camlet, velvet, cloth of silver, silver tissue, cloth of gold, gold
wire, figured velvet, or figured satin tinselled and overcast with golden
threads, in divers variously purfled draughts.

In the summer some days instead of gowns they wore light handsome mantles,
made either of the stuff of the aforesaid attire, or like Moresco rugs, of
violet velvet frizzled, with a raised work of gold upon silver purl, or
with a knotted cord-work of gold embroidery, everywhere garnished with
little Indian pearls. They always carried a fair panache, or plume of
feathers, of the colour of their muff, bravely adorned and tricked out with
glistering spangles of gold. In the winter time they had their taffety
gowns of all colours, as above-named, and those lined with the rich
furrings of hind-wolves, or speckled lynxes, black-spotted weasels, martlet
skins of Calabria, sables, and other costly furs of an inestimable value.
Their beads, rings, bracelets, collars, carcanets, and neck-chains were all
of precious stones, such as carbuncles, rubies, baleus, diamonds,
sapphires, emeralds, turquoises, garnets, agates, beryls, and excellent
margarites. Their head-dressing also varied with the season of the year,
according to which they decked themselves. In winter it was of the French
fashion; in the spring, of the Spanish; in summer, of the fashion of
Tuscany, except only upon the holy days and Sundays, at which times they
were accoutred in the French mode, because they accounted it more
honourable and better befitting the garb of a matronal pudicity.

The men were apparelled after their fashion. Their stockings were of
tamine or of cloth serge, of white, black, scarlet, or some other ingrained
colour. Their breeches were of velvet, of the same colour with their
stockings, or very near, embroidered and cut according to their fancy.
Their doublet was of cloth of gold, of cloth of silver, of velvet, satin,
damask, taffeties, &c. , of the same colours, cut, embroidered, and suitably
trimmed up in perfection. The points were of silk of the same colours; the
tags were of gold well enamelled. Their coats and jerkins were of cloth of
gold, cloth of silver, gold, tissue or velvet embroidered, as they thought
fit. Their gowns were every whit as costly as those of the ladies. Their
girdles were of silks, of the colour of their doublets. Every one had a
gallant sword by his side, the hilt and handle whereof were gilt, and the
scabbard of velvet, of the colour of his breeches, with a chape of gold,
and pure goldsmith's work. The dagger was of the same. Their caps or
bonnets were of black velvet, adorned with jewels and buttons of gold.
Upon that they wore a white plume, most prettily and minion-like parted by
so many rows of gold spangles, at the end whereof hung dangling in a more
sparkling resplendency fair rubies, emeralds, diamonds, &c. , but there was
such a sympathy betwixt the gallants and the ladies, that every day they
were apparelled in the same livery. And that they might not miss, there
were certain gentlemen appointed to tell the youths every morning what
vestments the ladies would on that day wear: for all was done according to
the pleasure of the ladies. In these so handsome clothes, and habiliments
so rich, think not that either one or other of either sex did waste any
time at all; for the masters of the wardrobes had all their raiments and
apparel so ready for every morning, and the chamber-ladies so well skilled,
that in a trice they would be dressed and completely in their clothes from
head to foot. And to have those accoutrements with the more conveniency,
there was about the wood of Theleme a row of houses of the extent of half a
league, very neat and cleanly, wherein dwelt the goldsmiths, lapidaries,
jewellers, embroiderers, tailors, gold-drawers, velvet-weavers,
tapestry-makers and upholsterers, who wrought there every one in his own
trade, and all for the aforesaid jolly friars and nuns of the new stamp.
They were furnished with matter and stuff from the hands of the Lord
Nausiclete, who every year brought them seven ships from the Perlas and
Cannibal Islands, laden with ingots of gold, with raw silk, with pearls and
precious stones. And if any margarites, called unions, began to grow old and
lose somewhat of their natural whiteness and lustre, those with their art
they did renew by tendering them to eat to some pretty cocks, as they use to
give casting unto hawks.



Chapter 1. LVII.

How the Thelemites were governed, and of their manner of living.

All their life was spent not in laws, statutes, or rules, but according to
their own free will and pleasure. They rose out of their beds when they
thought good; they did eat, drink, labour, sleep, when they had a mind to
it and were disposed for it. None did awake them, none did offer to
constrain them to eat, drink, nor to do any other thing; for so had
Gargantua established it. In all their rule and strictest tie of their
order there was but this one clause to be observed,

Do What Thou Wilt;

because men that are free, well-born, well-bred, and conversant in honest
companies, have naturally an instinct and spur that prompteth them unto
virtuous actions, and withdraws them from vice, which is called honour.
Those same men, when by base subjection and constraint they are brought
under and kept down, turn aside from that noble disposition by which they
formerly were inclined to virtue, to shake off and break that bond of
servitude wherein they are so tyrannously enslaved; for it is agreeable
with the nature of man to long after things forbidden and to desire what is
denied us.

By this liberty they entered into a very laudable emulation to do all of
them what they saw did please one. If any of the gallants or ladies should
say, Let us drink, they would all drink. If any one of them said, Let us
play, they all played. If one said, Let us go a-walking into the fields
they went all. If it were to go a-hawking or a-hunting, the ladies mounted
upon dainty well-paced nags, seated in a stately palfrey saddle, carried on
their lovely fists, miniardly begloved every one of them, either a
sparrowhawk or a laneret or a marlin, and the young gallants carried the
other kinds of hawks. So nobly were they taught, that there was neither he
nor she amongst them but could read, write, sing, play upon several musical
instruments, speak five or six several languages, and compose in them all
very quaintly, both in verse and prose. Never were seen so valiant
knights, so noble and worthy, so dexterous and skilful both on foot and
a-horse-back, more brisk and lively, more nimble and quick, or better
handling all manner of weapons than were there. Never were seen ladies so
proper and handsome, so miniard and dainty, less froward, or more ready
with their hand and with their needle in every honest and free action
belonging to that sex, than were there. For this reason, when the time
came that any man of the said abbey, either at the request of his parents,
or for some other cause, had a mind to go out of it, he carried along with
him one of the ladies, namely, her whom he had before that chosen for his
mistress, and (they) were married together. And if they had formerly in
Theleme lived in good devotion and amity, they did continue therein and
increase it to a greater height in their state of matrimony; and did
entertain that mutual love till the very last day of their life, in no less
vigour and fervency than at the very day of their wedding. Here must not I
forget to set down unto you a riddle which was found under the ground as
they were laying the foundation of the abbey, engraven in a copper plate,
and it was thus as followeth.



Chapter 1. LVIII.

A prophetical Riddle.

Poor mortals, who wait for a happy day,
Cheer up your hearts, and hear what I shall say:
If it be lawful firmly to believe
That the celestial bodies can us give
Wisdom to judge of things that are not yet;
Or if from heaven such wisdom we may get
As may with confidence make us discourse
Of years to come, their destiny and course;
I to my hearers give to understand
That this next winter, though it be at hand,
Yea and before, there shall appear a race
Of men who, loth to sit still in one place,
Shall boldly go before all people's eyes,
Suborning men of divers qualities
To draw them unto covenants and sides,
In such a manner that, whate'er betides,
They'll move you, if you give them ear, no doubt,
With both your friends and kindred to fall out.
They'll make a vassal to gain-stand his lord,
And children their own parents; in a word,
All reverence shall then be banished,
No true respect to other shall be had.
They'll say that every man should have his turn,
Both in his going forth and his return;
And hereupon there shall arise such woes,
Such jarrings, and confused to's and fro's,
That never were in history such coils
Set down as yet, such tumults and garboils.
Then shall you many gallant men see by
Valour stirr'd up, and youthful fervency,
Who, trusting too much in their hopeful time,
Live but a while, and perish in their prime.
Neither shall any, who this course shall run,
Leave off the race which he hath once begun,
Till they the heavens with noise by their contention
Have fill'd, and with their steps the earth's dimension.
Then those shall have no less authority,
That have no faith, than those that will not lie;
For all shall be governed by a rude,
Base, ignorant, and foolish multitude;
The veriest lout of all shall be their judge,
O horrible and dangerous deluge!
Deluge I call it, and that for good reason,
For this shall be omitted in no season;
Nor shall the earth of this foul stir be free,
Till suddenly you in great store shall see
The waters issue out, with whose streams the
Most moderate of all shall moistened be,
And justly too; because they did not spare
The flocks of beasts that innocentest are,
But did their sinews and their bowels take,
Not to the gods a sacrifice to make,
But usually to serve themselves for sport:
And now consider, I do you exhort,
In such commotions so continual,
What rest can take the globe terrestrial?
Most happy then are they, that can it hold,
And use it carefully as precious gold,
By keeping it in gaol, whence it shall have
No help but him who being to it gave.
And to increase his mournful accident,
The sun, before it set in th' occident,
Shall cease to dart upon it any light,
More than in an eclipse, or in the night,--
So that at once its favour shall be gone,
And liberty with it be left alone.
And yet, before it come to ruin thus,
Its quaking shall be as impetuous
As Aetna's was when Titan's sons lay under,
And yield, when lost, a fearful sound like thunder.
Inarime did not more quickly move,
When Typheus did the vast huge hills remove,
And for despite into the sea them threw.
Thus shall it then be lost by ways not few,
And changed suddenly, when those that have it
To other men that after come shall leave it.
Then shall it be high time to cease from this
So long, so great, so tedious exercise;
For the great waters told you now by me,
Will make each think where his retreat shall be;
And yet, before that they be clean disperst,
You may behold in th' air, where nought was erst,
The burning heat of a great flame to rise,
Lick up the water, and the enterprise.
It resteth after those things to declare,
That those shall sit content who chosen are,
With all good things, and with celestial man (ne,)
And richly recompensed every man:
The others at the last all stripp'd shall be,
That after this great work all men may see,
How each shall have his due. This is their lot;
O he is worthy praise that shrinketh not!

No sooner was this enigmatical monument read over, but Gargantua, fetching
a very deep sigh, said unto those that stood by, It is not now only, I
perceive, that people called to the faith of the gospel, and convinced with
the certainty of evangelical truths, are persecuted. But happy is that man
that shall not be scandalized, but shall always continue to the end in
aiming at that mark which God by his dear Son hath set before us, without
being distracted or diverted by his carnal affections and depraved nature.

The monk then said, What do you think in your conscience is meant and
signified by this riddle? What? said Gargantua,--the progress and carrying
on of the divine truth. By St. Goderan, said the monk, that is not my
exposition. It is the style of the prophet Merlin. Make upon it as many
grave allegories and glosses as you will, and dote upon it you and the rest
of the world as long as you please; for my part, I can conceive no other
meaning in it but a description of a set at tennis in dark and obscure
terms. The suborners of men are the makers of matches, which are commonly
friends. After the two chases are made, he that was in the upper end of
the tennis-court goeth out, and the other cometh in. They believe the
first that saith the ball was over or under the line. The waters are the
heats that the players take till they sweat again. The cords of the
rackets are made of the guts of sheep or goats. The globe terrestrial is
the tennis-ball. After playing, when the game is done, they refresh
themselves before a clear fire, and change their shirts; and very willingly
they make all good cheer, but most merrily those that have gained. And so,
farewell!


End book 1


THE SECOND BOOK.



For the Reader.

The Reader here may be pleased to take notice that the copy of verses by
the title of 'Rablophila', premised to the first book of this translation,
being but a kind of mock poem, in imitation of somewhat lately published
(as to any indifferent observer will easily appear, by the false quantities
in the Latin, the abusive strain of the English, and extravagant
subscription to both), and as such, by a friend of the translator's, at the
desire of some frolic gentlemen of his acquaintance, more for a trial of
skill than prejudicacy to any, composed in his jollity to please their
fancies, was only ordained to be prefixed to a dozen of books, and no more,
thereby to save the labour of transcribing so many as were requisite for
satisfying the curiosity of a company of just that number; and that,
therefore, the charging of the whole impression with it is merely to be
imputed to the negligence of the pressmen, who, receiving it about the
latter end of the night, were so eager before the next morning to afford
complete books, that, as they began, they went on, without animadverting
what was recommended to their discretion. This is hoped will suffice to
assure the ingenuous Reader that in no treatise of the translator's,
whether original or translatitious, shall willingly be offered the meanest
rub to the reputation of any worthy gentleman, and that, however providence
dispose of him, no misfortune shall be able to induce his mind to any
complacency in the disparagement of another.

Again.

The Pentateuch of Rabelais mentioned in the title-page of the first book of
this translation being written originally in the French tongue (as it
comprehendeth some of its brusquest dialects), with so much ingeniosity and
wit, that more impressions have been sold thereof in that language than of
any other book that hath been set forth at any time within these fifteen
hundred years; so difficult nevertheless to be turned into any other speech
that many prime spirits in most of the nations of Europe, since the year
1573, which was fourscore years ago, after having attempted it, were
constrained with no small regret to give it over as a thing impossible to
be done, is now in its translation thus far advanced, and the remainder
faithfully undertaken with the same hand to be rendered into English by a
person of quality, who (though his lands be sequestered, his house
garrisoned, his other goods sold, and himself detained a prisoner of war at
London, for his having been at Worcester fight) hath, at the most earnest
entreaty of some of his especial friends well acquainted with his
inclination to the performance of conducible singularities, promised,
besides his version of these two already published, very speedily to offer
up unto this Isle of Britain the virginity of the translation of the other
three most admirable books of the aforesaid author; provided that by the
plurality of judicious and understanding men it be not declared he hath
already proceeded too far, or that the continuation of the rigour whereby
he is dispossessed of all his both real and personal estate, by pressing
too hard upon him, be not an impediment thereto, and to other more eminent
undertakings of his, as hath been oftentimes very fully mentioned by the
said translator in several original treatises of his own penning, lately by
him so numerously dispersed that there is scarce any, who being skilful in
the English idiom, or curious of any new ingenious invention, hath not
either read them or heard of them.



Mr. Hugh Salel to Rabelais.

If profit mixed with pleasure may suffice
T' extol an author's worth above the skies,
Thou certainly for both must praised be:
I know it; for thy judgment hath in the
Contexture of this book set down such high
Contentments, mingled with utility,
That (as I think) I see Democritus
Laughing at men as things ridiculous.
Insist in thy design; for, though we prove
Ungrate on earth, thy merit is above.



The Author's Prologue.

Most illustrious and thrice valorous champions, gentlemen and others, who
willingly apply your minds to the entertainment of pretty conceits and
honest harmless knacks of wit; you have not long ago seen, read, and
understood the great and inestimable Chronicle of the huge and mighty giant
Gargantua, and, like upright faithfullists, have firmly believed all to be
true that is contained in them, and have very often passed your time with
them amongst honourable ladies and gentlewomen, telling them fair long
stories, when you were out of all other talk, for which you are worthy of
great praise and sempiternal memory. And I do heartily wish that every man
would lay aside his own business, meddle no more with his profession nor
trade, and throw all affairs concerning himself behind his back, to attend
this wholly, without distracting or troubling his mind with anything else,
until he have learned them without book; that if by chance the art of
printing should cease, or in case that in time to come all books should
perish, every man might truly teach them unto his children, and deliver
them over to his successors and survivors from hand to hand as a religious
cabal; for there is in it more profit than a rabble of great pocky
loggerheads are able to discern, who surely understand far less in these
little merriments than the fool Raclet did in the Institutions of
Justinian.

I have known great and mighty lords, and of those not a few, who, going
a-deer-hunting, or a-hawking after wild ducks, when the chase had not
encountered with the blinks that were cast in her way to retard her course,
or that the hawk did but plain and smoothly fly without moving her wings,
perceiving the prey by force of flight to have gained bounds of her, have
been much chafed and vexed, as you understand well enough; but the comfort
unto which they had refuge, and that they might not take cold, was to
relate the inestimable deeds of the said Gargantua. There are others in
the world--these are no flimflam stories, nor tales of a tub--who, being
much troubled with the toothache, after they had spent their goods upon
physicians without receiving at all any ease of their pain, have found no
more ready remedy than to put the said Chronicles betwixt two pieces of
linen cloth made somewhat hot, and so apply them to the place that
smarteth, sinapizing them with a little powder of projection, otherwise
called doribus.

But what shall I say of those poor men that are plagued with the pox and
the gout? O how often have we seen them, even immediately after they were
anointed and thoroughly greased, till their faces did glister like the
keyhole of a powdering tub, their teeth dance like the jacks of a pair of
little organs or virginals when they are played upon, and that they foamed
from their very throats like a boar which the mongrel mastiff-hounds have
driven in and overthrown amongst the toils,--what did they then? All their
consolation was to have some page of the said jolly book read unto them.
And we have seen those who have given themselves to a hundred puncheons of
old devils, in case that they did not feel a manifest ease and assuagement
of pain at the hearing of the said book read, even when they were kept in a
purgatory of torment; no more nor less than women in travail use to find
their sorrow abated when the life of St. Margaret is read unto them. Is
this nothing? Find me a book in any language, in any faculty or science
whatsoever, that hath such virtues, properties, and prerogatives, and I
will be content to pay you a quart of tripes. No, my masters, no; it is
peerless, incomparable, and not to be matched; and this am I resolved for
ever to maintain even unto the fire exclusive. And those that will
pertinaciously hold the contrary opinion, let them be accounted abusers,
predestinators, impostors, and seducers of the people. It is very true
that there are found in some gallant and stately books, worthy of high
estimation, certain occult and hid properties; in the number of which are
reckoned Whippot, Orlando Furioso, Robert the Devil, Fierabras, William
without Fear, Huon of Bordeaux, Monteville, and Matabrune: but they are not
comparable to that which we speak of, and the world hath well known by
infallible experience the great emolument and utility which it hath
received by this Gargantuine Chronicle, for the printers have sold more of
them in two months' time than there will be bought of Bibles in nine years.

I therefore, your humble slave, being very willing to increase your solace
and recreation yet a little more, do offer you for a present another book
of the same stamp, only that it is a little more reasonable and worthy of
credit than the other was. For think not, unless you wilfully will err
against your knowledge, that I speak of it as the Jews do of the Law. I
was not born under such a planet, neither did it ever befall me to lie, or
affirm a thing for true that was not. I speak of it like a lusty frolic
onocrotary (Onocratal is a bird not much unlike a swan, which sings like an
ass's braying. ), I should say crotenotary (Crotenotaire or notaire crotte,
croquenotaire or notaire croque are but allusions in derision of
protonotaire, which signifieth a pregnotary. ) of the martyrized lovers, and
croquenotary of love. Quod vidimus, testamur. It is of the horrible and
dreadful feats and prowesses of Pantagruel, whose menial servant I have
been ever since I was a page, till this hour that by his leave I am
permitted to visit my cow-country, and to know if any of my kindred there
be alive.

And therefore, to make an end of this Prologue, even as I give myself to a
hundred panniersful of fair devils, body and soul, tripes and guts, in case
that I lie so much as one single word in this whole history; after the like
manner, St. Anthony's fire burn you, Mahoom's disease whirl you, the
squinance with a stitch in your side and the wolf in your stomach truss
you, the bloody flux seize upon you, the cursed sharp inflammations of
wild-fire, as slender and thin as cow's hair strengthened with quicksilver,
enter into your fundament, and, like those of Sodom and Gomorrah, may you
fall into sulphur, fire, and bottomless pits, in case you do not firmly
believe all that I shall relate unto you in this present Chronicle.






THE SECOND BOOK.


Chapter 2. I.

Of the original and antiquity of the great Pantagruel.

It will not be an idle nor unprofitable thing, seeing we are at leisure, to
put you in mind of the fountain and original source whence is derived unto
us the good Pantagruel. For I see that all good historiographers have thus
handled their chronicles, not only the Arabians, Barbarians, and Latins,
but also the gentle Greeks, who were eternal drinkers. You must therefore
remark that at the beginning of the world--I speak of a long time; it is
above forty quarantains, or forty times forty nights, according to the
supputation of the ancient Druids--a little after that Abel was killed by
his brother Cain, the earth, imbrued with the blood of the just, was one
year so exceeding fertile in all those fruits which it usually produceth to
us, and especially in medlars, that ever since throughout all ages it hath
been called the year of the great medlars; for three of them did fill a
bushel. In it the kalends were found by the Grecian almanacks. There was
that year nothing of the month of March in the time of Lent, and the middle
of August was in May. In the month of October, as I take it, or at least
September, that I may not err, for I will carefully take heed of that, was
the week so famous in the annals, which they call the week of the three
Thursdays; for it had three of them by means of their irregular leap-years,
called Bissextiles, occasioned by the sun's having tripped and stumbled a
little towards the left hand, like a debtor afraid of sergeants, coming
right upon him to arrest him: and the moon varied from her course above
five fathom, and there was manifestly seen the motion of trepidation in the
firmament of the fixed stars, called Aplanes, so that the middle Pleiade,
leaving her fellows, declined towards the equinoctial, and the star named
Spica left the constellation of the Virgin to withdraw herself towards the
Balance, known by the name of Libra, which are cases very terrible, and
matters so hard and difficult that astrologians cannot set their teeth in
them; and indeed their teeth had been pretty long if they could have
reached thither.

However, account you it for a truth that everybody then did most heartily
eat of these medlars, for they were fair to the eye and in taste delicious.
But even as Noah, that holy man, to whom we are so much beholding, bound,
and obliged, for that he planted to us the vine, from whence we have that
nectarian, delicious, precious, heavenly, joyful, and deific liquor which
they call the piot or tiplage, was deceived in the drinking of it, for he
was ignorant of the great virtue and power thereof; so likewise the men and
women of that time did delight much in the eating of that fair great fruit,
but divers and very different accidents did ensue thereupon; for there fell
upon them all in their bodies a most terrible swelling, but not upon all in
the same place, for some were swollen in the belly, and their belly
strouted out big like a great tun, of whom it is written, Ventrem
omnipotentem, who were all very honest men, and merry blades. And of this
race came St. Fatgulch and Shrove Tuesday (Pansart, Mardigras. ). Others
did swell at the shoulders, who in that place were so crump and knobby that
they were therefore called Montifers, which is as much to say as
Hill-carriers, of whom you see some yet in the world, of divers sexes and
degrees. Of this race came Aesop, some of whose excellent words and deeds
you have in writing. Some other puffs did swell in length by the member
which they call the labourer of nature, in such sort that it grew
marvellous long, fat, great, lusty, stirring, and crest-risen, in the
antique fashion, so that they made use of it as of a girdle, winding it
five or six times about their waist: but if it happened the foresaid
member to be in good case, spooming with a full sail bunt fair before the
wind, then to have seen those strouting champions, you would have taken
them for men that had their lances settled on their rest to run at the ring
or tilting whintam (quintain). Of these, believe me, the race is utterly
lost and quite extinct, as the women say; for they do lament continually
that there are none extant now of those great, &c. You know the rest of
the song. Others did grow in matter of ballocks so enormously that three
of them would well fill a sack able to contain five quarters of wheat.
From them are descended the ballocks of Lorraine, which never dwell in
codpieces, but fall down to the bottom of the breeches. Others grew in the
legs, and to see them you would have said they had been cranes, or the
reddish-long-billed-storklike-scrank-legged sea-fowls called flamans, or
else men walking upon stilts or scatches. The little grammar-school boys,
known by the name of Grimos, called those leg-grown slangams Jambus, in
allusion to the French word jambe, which signifieth a leg. In others,
their nose did grow so, that it seemed to be the beak of a limbeck, in
every part thereof most variously diapered with the twinkling sparkles of
crimson blisters budding forth, and purpled with pimples all enamelled with
thickset wheals of a sanguine colour, bordered with gules; and such have
you seen the Canon or Prebend Panzoult, and Woodenfoot, the physician of
Angiers. Of which race there were few that looked the ptisane, but all of
them were perfect lovers of the pure Septembral juice. Naso and Ovid had
their extraction from thence, and all those of whom it is written, Ne
reminiscaris. Others grew in ears, which they had so big that out of one
would have been stuff enough got to make a doublet, a pair of breeches, and
a jacket, whilst with the other they might have covered themselves as with
a Spanish cloak: and they say that in Bourbonnois this race remaineth yet.
Others grew in length of body, and of those came the Giants, and of them
Pantagruel.

And the first was Chalbroth,
Who begat Sarabroth,
Who begat Faribroth,
Who begat Hurtali, that was a brave eater of pottage, and reigned
in the time of the flood;
Who begat Nembroth,
Who begat Atlas, that with his shoulders kept the sky from falling;
Who begat Goliah,
Who begat Erix, that invented the hocus pocus plays of legerdemain;
Who begat Titius,
Who begat Eryon,
Who begat Polyphemus,
Who begat Cacus,
Who begat Etion, the first man that ever had the pox, for not drinking
fresh in summer, as Bartachin witnesseth;
Who begat Enceladus,
Who begat Ceus,
Who begat Tiphaeus,
Who begat Alaeus,
Who begat Othus,
Who begat Aegeon,
Who begat Briareus, that had a hundred hands;
Who begat Porphyrio,
Who begat Adamastor,
Who begat Anteus,
Who begat Agatho,
Who begat Porus, against whom fought Alexander the Great;
Who begat Aranthas,
Who begat Gabbara, that was the first inventor of the drinking of
healths;
Who begat Goliah of Secondille,
Who begat Offot, that was terribly well nosed for drinking at the
barrel-head;
Who begat Artachaeus,
Who begat Oromedon,
Who begat Gemmagog, the first inventor of Poulan shoes, which are
open on the foot and tied over the instep with a lachet;
Who begat Sisyphus,
Who begat the Titans, of whom Hercules was born;
Who begat Enay, the most skilful man that ever was in matter of
taking the little worms (called cirons) out of the hands;
Who begat Fierabras, that was vanquished by Oliver, peer of France
and Roland's comrade;
Who begat Morgan, the first in the world that played at dice with
spectacles;
Who begat Fracassus, of whom Merlin Coccaius hath written, and of
him was born Ferragus,
Who begat Hapmouche, the first that ever invented the drying of
neat's tongues in the chimney; for, before that, people salted
them as they do now gammons of bacon;
Who begat Bolivorax,
Who begat Longis,
Who begat Gayoffo, whose ballocks were of poplar, and his pr. . . of
the service or sorb-apple-tree;
Who begat Maschefain,
Who begat Bruslefer,
Who begat Angoulevent,
Who begat Galehaut, the inventor of flagons;
Who begat Mirelangaut,
Who begat Gallaffre,
Who begat Falourdin,
Who begat Roboast,
Who begat Sortibrant of Conimbres,
Who begat Brushant of Mommiere,
Who begat Bruyer that was overcome by Ogier the Dane, peer of
France;
Who begat Mabrun,
Who begat Foutasnon,
Who begat Haquelebac,
Who begat Vitdegrain,
Who begat Grangousier,
Who begat Gargantua,
Who begat the noble Pantagruel, my master.

I know that, reading this passage, you will make a doubt within yourselves,
and that grounded upon very good reason, which is this--how it is possible
that this relation can be true, seeing at the time of the flood all the
world was destroyed, except Noah and seven persons more with him in the
ark, into whose number Hurtali is not admitted. Doubtless the demand is
well made and very apparent, but the answer shall satisfy you, or my wit is
not rightly caulked. And because I was not at that time to tell you
anything of my own fancy, I will bring unto you the authority of the
Massorets, good honest fellows, true ballockeering blades and exact
Hebraical bagpipers, who affirm that verily the said Hurtali was not within
the ark of Noah, neither could he get in, for he was too big, but he sat
astride upon it, with one leg on the one side and another on the other, as
little children use to do upon their wooden horses; or as the great bull of
Berne, which was killed at Marinian, did ride for his hackney the great
murdering piece called the canon-pevier, a pretty beast of a fair and
pleasant amble without all question.

In that posture, he, after God, saved the said ark from danger, for with
his legs he gave it the brangle that was needful, and with his foot turned
it whither he pleased, as a ship answereth her rudder. Those that were
within sent him up victuals in abundance by a chimney, as people very
thankfully acknowledging the good that he did them. And sometimes they did
talk together as Icaromenippus did to Jupiter, according to the report of
Lucian. Have you understood all this well? Drink then one good draught
without water, for if you believe it not,--no truly do I not, quoth she.



Chapter 2. II.

Of the nativity of the most dread and redoubted Pantagruel.

Gargantua at the age of four hundred fourscore forty and four years begat
his son Pantagruel, upon his wife named Badebec, daughter to the king of
the Amaurots in Utopia, who died in childbirth; for he was so wonderfully
great and lumpish that he could not possibly come forth into the light of
the world without thus suffocating his mother. But that we may fully
understand the cause and reason of the name of Pantagruel which at his
baptism was given him, you are to remark that in that year there was so
great drought over all the country of Africa that there passed thirty and
six months, three weeks, four days, thirteen hours and a little more
without rain, but with a heat so vehement that the whole earth was parched
and withered by it. Neither was it more scorched and dried up with heat in
the days of Elijah than it was at that time; for there was not a tree to be
seen that had either leaf or bloom upon it. The grass was without verdure
or greenness, the rivers were drained, the fountains dried up, the poor
fishes, abandoned and forsaken by their proper element, wandering and
crying upon the ground most horribly. The birds did fall down from the air
for want of moisture and dew wherewith to refresh them. The wolves, foxes,
harts, wild boars, fallow deer, hares, coneys, weasels, brocks, badgers,
and other such beasts, were found dead in the fields with their mouths
open. In respect of men, there was the pity, you should have seen them lay
out their tongues like hares that have been run six hours. Many did throw
themselves into the wells. Others entered within a cow's belly to be in
the shade; those Homer calls Alibants. All the country was idle, and could
do no virtue. It was a most lamentable case to have seen the labour of
mortals in defending themselves from the vehemency of this horrific
drought; for they had work enough to do to save the holy water in the
churches from being wasted; but there was such order taken by the counsel
of my lords the cardinals and of our holy Father, that none did dare to
take above one lick. Yet when anyone came into the church, you should have
seen above twenty poor thirsty fellows hang upon him that was the
distributor of the water, and that with a wide open throat, gaping for some
little drop, like the rich glutton in Luke, that might fall by, lest
anything should be lost. O how happy was he in that year who had a cool
cellar under ground, well plenished with fresh wine!

The philosopher reports, in moving the question, Wherefore it is that the
sea-water is salt, that at the time when Phoebus gave the government of his
resplendent chariot to his son Phaeton, the said Phaeton, unskilful in the
art, and not knowing how to keep the ecliptic line betwixt the two tropics
of the latitude of the sun's course, strayed out of his way, and came so
near the earth that he dried up all the countries that were under it,
burning a great part of the heavens which the philosophers call Via lactea,
and the huffsnuffs St. James's way; although the most coped, lofty, and
high-crested poets affirm that to be the place where Juno's milk fell when
she gave suck to Hercules. The earth at that time was so excessively
heated that it fell into an enormous sweat, yea, such a one as made it
sweat out the sea, which is therefore salt, because all sweat is salt; and
this you cannot but confess to be true if you will taste of your own, or of
those that have the pox, when they are put into sweating, it is all one to
me.

Just such another case fell out this same year: for on a certain Friday,
when the whole people were bent upon their devotions, and had made goodly
processions, with store of litanies, and fair preachings, and beseechings
of God Almighty to look down with his eye of mercy upon their miserable and
disconsolate condition, there was even then visibly seen issue out of the
ground great drops of water, such as fall from a puff-bagged man in a top
sweat, and the poor hoidens began to rejoice as if it had been a thing very
profitable unto them; for some said that there was not one drop of moisture
in the air whence they might have any rain, and that the earth did supply
the default of that. Other learned men said that it was a shower of the
antipodes, as Seneca saith in his fourth book Quaestionum naturalium,
speaking of the source and spring of Nilus. But they were deceived, for,
the procession being ended, when everyone went about to gather of this dew,
and to drink of it with full bowls, they found that it was nothing but
pickle and the very brine of salt, more brackish in taste than the saltest
water of the sea. And because in that very day Pantagruel was born, his
father gave him that name; for Panta in Greek is as much to say as all, and
Gruel in the Hagarene language doth signify thirsty, inferring hereby that
at his birth the whole world was a-dry and thirsty, as likewise foreseeing
that he would be some day supreme lord and sovereign of the thirsty
Ethrappels, which was shown to him at that very same hour by a more evident
sign. For when his mother Badebec was in the bringing of him forth, and
that the midwives did wait to receive him, there came first out of her
belly three score and eight tregeneers, that is, salt-sellers, every one of
them leading in a halter a mule heavy laden with salt; after whom issued
forth nine dromedaries, with great loads of gammons of bacon and dried
neat's tongues on their backs.