No More Learning

It's----a disease----of the mind, madam. In the variety of
tastes there must be some who, wanting a relish----for----um--a--um.

MISS HARDCASTLE. I understand you, sir. There must be some, who,
wanting a relish for refined pleasures, pretend to despise what they
are incapable of tasting.

MARLOW. My meaning, madam, but infinitely better expressed. And I
can't help observing----a----

MISS HARDCASTLE. (Aside. ) Who could ever suppose this fellow
impudent upon some occasions? (To him. ) You were going to observe,
sir----

MARLOW. I was observing, madam--I protest, madam, I forget what I was
going to observe.

MISS HARDCASTLE. (Aside. ) I vow and so do I. (To him. ) You were
observing, sir, that in this age of hypocrisy--something about
hypocrisy, sir.

MARLOW. Yes, madam. In this age of hypocrisy there are few who upon
strict inquiry do not--a--a--a--

MISS HARDCASTLE. I understand you perfectly, sir.

MARLOW. (Aside. ) Egad! and that's more than I do myself.

MISS HARDCASTLE. You mean that in this hypocritical age there are few
that do not condemn in public what they practise in private, and think
they pay every debt to virtue when they praise it.

MARLOW. True, madam; those who have most virtue in their mouths, have
least of it in their bosoms. But I'm sure I tire you, madam.

MISS HARDCASTLE. Not in the least, sir; there's something so
agreeable and spirited in your manner, such life and force--pray, sir,
go on.

MARLOW. Yes, madam. I was saying----that there are some occasions,
when a total want of courage, madam, destroys all the----and puts
us----upon a--a--a--

MISS HARDCASTLE. I agree with you entirely; a want of courage upon
some occasions assumes the appearance of ignorance, and betrays us when
we most want to excel. I beg you'll proceed.

MARLOW. Yes, madam. Morally speaking, madam--But I see Miss Neville
expecting us in the next room. I would not intrude for the world.

MISS HARDCASTLE. I protest, sir, I never was more agreeably
entertained in all my life. Pray go on.

MARLOW. Yes, madam, I was----But she beckons us to join her. Madam,
shall I do myself the honour to attend you?

MISS HARDCASTLE. Well, then, I'll follow.

MARLOW. (Aside. ) This pretty smooth dialogue has done for me.
[Exit. ]

MISS HARDCASTLE. (Alone. ) Ha! ha! ha! Was there ever such a sober,
sentimental interview? I'm certain he scarce looked in my face the
whole time. Yet the fellow, but for his unaccountable bashfulness, is
pretty well too. He has good sense, but then so buried in his fears,
that it fatigues one more than ignorance. If I could teach him a
little confidence, it would be doing somebody that I know of a piece of
service. But who is that somebody? --That, faith, is a question I can
scarce answer. [Exit. ]


Enter TONY and MISS NEVILLE, followed by MRS. HARDCASTLE and HASTINGS.


TONY. What do you follow me for, cousin Con? I wonder you're not
ashamed to be so very engaging.

MISS NEVILLE. I hope, cousin, one may speak to one's own relations,
and not be to blame.

TONY. Ay, but I know what sort of a relation you want to make me,
though; but it won't do. I tell you, cousin Con, it won't do; so I beg
you'll keep your distance, I want no nearer relationship. [She
follows, coquetting him to the back scene. ]

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Well! I vow, Mr. Hastings, you are very
entertaining. There's nothing in the world I love to talk of so much
as London, and the fashions, though I was never there myself.

HASTINGS. Never there! You amaze me! From your air and manner, I
concluded you had been bred all your life either at Ranelagh, St.
James's, or Tower Wharf.

MRS. HARDCASTLE. O! sir, you're only pleased to say so. We country
persons can have no manner at all. I'm in love with the town, and that
serves to raise me above some of our neighbouring rustics; but who can
have a manner, that has never seen the Pantheon, the Grotto Gardens,
the Borough, and such places where the nobility chiefly resort? All I
can do is to enjoy London at second-hand. I take care to know every
tete-a-tete from the Scandalous Magazine, and have all the fashions, as
they come out, in a letter from the two Miss Rickets of Crooked Lane.
Pray how do you like this head, Mr. Hastings?

HASTINGS. Extremely elegant and degagee, upon my word, madam. Your
friseur is a Frenchman, I suppose?

MRS. HARDCASTLE. I protest, I dressed it myself from a print in the
Ladies' Memorandum-book for the last year.

HASTINGS. Indeed! Such a head in a side-box at the play-house would
draw as many gazers as my Lady Mayoress at a City Ball.

MRS. HARDCASTLE. I vow, since inoculation began, there is no such
thing to be seen as a plain woman; so one must dress a little
particular, or one may escape in the crowd.

HASTINGS. But that can never be your case, madam, in any dress.
(Bowing. )

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Yet, what signifies my dressing when I have such a
piece of antiquity by my side as Mr. Hardcastle: all I can say will
never argue down a single button from his clothes. I have often wanted
him to throw off his great flaxen wig, and where he was bald, to
plaster it over, like my Lord Pately, with powder.

HASTINGS. You are right, madam; for, as among the ladies there are
none ugly, so among the men there are none old.

MRS. HARDCASTLE. But what do you think his answer was? Why, with his
usual Gothic vivacity, he said I only wanted him to throw off his wig,
to convert it into a tete for my own wearing.

HASTINGS. Intolerable! At your age you may wear what you please, and
it must become you.

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Pray, Mr. Hastings, what do you take to be the most
fashionable age about town?

HASTINGS. Some time ago, forty was all the mode; but I'm told the
ladies intend to bring up fifty for the ensuing winter.

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Seriously. Then I shall be too young for the
fashion.

HASTINGS. No lady begins now to put on jewels till she's past forty.
For instance, Miss there, in a polite circle, would be considered as a
child, as a mere maker of samplers.

MRS. HARDCASTLE. And yet Mrs. Niece thinks herself as much a woman,
and is as fond of jewels, as the oldest of us all.

HASTINGS. Your niece, is she? And that young gentleman, a brother of
yours, I should presume?

MRS. HARDCASTLE. My son, sir. They are contracted to each other.
Observe their little sports. They fall in and out ten times a day, as
if they were man and wife already. (To them. ) Well, Tony, child, what
soft things are you saying to your cousin Constance this evening?

TONY. I have been saying no soft things; but that it's very hard to be
followed about so. Ecod! I've not a place in the house now that's left
to myself, but the stable.

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Never mind him, Con, my dear. He's in another story
behind your back.

MISS NEVILLE. There's something generous in my cousin's manner. He
falls out before faces to be forgiven in private.

TONY. That's a damned confounded--crack.

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Ah! he's a sly one. Don't you think they are like
each other about the mouth, Mr. Hastings? The Blenkinsop mouth to a T.
They're of a size too. Back to back, my pretties, that Mr. Hastings
may see you. Come, Tony.

TONY. You had as good not make me, I tell you. (Measuring. )

MISS NEVILLE. O lud! he has almost cracked my head.

MRS. HARDCASTLE. O, the monster! For shame, Tony. You a man, and
behave so!

TONY. If I'm a man, let me have my fortin. Ecod! I'll not be made a
fool of no longer.

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Is this, ungrateful boy, all that I'm to get for the
pains I have taken in your education? I that have rocked you in your
cradle, and fed that pretty mouth with a spoon! Did not I work that
waistcoat to make you genteel?
Did not I prescribe for you every day,
and weep while the receipt was operating?

TONY. Ecod! you had reason to weep, for you have been dosing me ever
since I was born. I have gone through every receipt in the Complete
Huswife ten times over; and you have thoughts of coursing me through
Quincy next spring. But, ecod! I tell you, I'll not be made a fool of
no longer.

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Wasn't it all for your good, viper? Wasn't it all
for your good?

TONY. I wish you'd let me and my good alone, then. Snubbing this way
when I'm in spirits. If I'm to have any good, let it come of itself;
not to keep dinging it, dinging it into one so.

MRS. HARDCASTLE. That's false; I never see you when you're in
spirits. No, Tony, you then go to the alehouse or kennel. I'm never
to be delighted with your agreeable wild notes, unfeeling monster!

TONY. Ecod! mamma, your own notes are the wildest of the two.

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Was ever the like? But I see he wants to break my
heart, I see he does.

HASTINGS. Dear madam, permit me to lecture the young gentleman a
little. I'm certain I can persuade him to his duty.

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Well, I must retire. Come, Constance, my love. You
see, Mr. Hastings, the wretchedness of my situation: was ever poor
woman so plagued with a dear sweet, pretty, provoking, undutiful boy?
[Exeunt MRS. HARDCASTLE and MISS NEVILLE. ]

TONY. (Singing. ) "There was a young man riding by, and fain would
have his will. Rang do didlo dee. "----Don't mind her. Let her cry.
It's the comfort of her heart. I have seen her and sister cry over a
book for an hour together; and they said they liked the book the better
the more it made them cry.

HASTINGS. Then you're no friend to the ladies, I find, my pretty
young gentleman?

TONY. That's as I find 'um.

HASTINGS. Not to her of your mother's choosing, I dare answer? And
yet she appears to me a pretty well-tempered girl.

TONY. That's because you don't know her as well as I. Ecod! I know
every inch about her; and there's not a more bitter cantankerous toad
in all Christendom.

HASTINGS. (Aside. ) Pretty encouragement this for a lover!

TONY. I have seen her since the height of that. She has as many
tricks as a hare in a thicket, or a colt the first day's breaking.

HASTINGS. To me she appears sensible and silent.

TONY. Ay, before company. But when she's with her playmate, she's as
loud as a hog in a gate.

HASTINGS. But there is a meek modesty about her that charms me.

TONY. Yes, but curb her never so little, she kicks up, and you're
flung in a ditch.

HASTINGS. Well, but you must allow her a little beauty. --Yes, you must
allow her some beauty.

TONY. Bandbox! She's all a made-up thing, mun. Ah! could you but see
Bet Bouncer of these parts, you might then talk of beauty. Ecod, she
has two eyes as black as sloes, and cheeks as broad and red as a pulpit
cushion. She'd make two of she.

HASTINGS. Well, what say you to a friend that would take this bitter
bargain off your hands?

TONY. Anon.

HASTINGS. Would you thank him that would take Miss Neville, and leave
you to happiness and your dear Betsy?

TONY. Ay; but where is there such a friend, for who would take her?

HASTINGS. I am he. If you but assist me, I'll engage to whip her off
to France, and you shall never hear more of her.

TONY. Assist you! Ecod I will, to the last drop of my blood. I'll
clap a pair of horses to your chaise that shall trundle you off in a
twinkling, and may he get you a part of her fortin beside, in jewels,
that you little dream of.

HASTINGS. My dear 'squire, this looks like a lad of spirit.

TONY. Come along, then, and you shall see more of my spirit before you
have done with me.

(Singing. )
"We are the boys
That fears no noise
Where the thundering cannons roar. " [Exeunt. ]




ACT THE THIRD.


Enter HARDCASTLE, alone.


HARDCASTLE. What could my old friend Sir Charles mean by recommending
his son as the modestest young man in town? To me he appears the most
impudent piece of brass that ever spoke with a tongue. He has taken
possession of the easy chair by the fire-side already. He took off his
boots in the parlour, and desired me to see them taken care of. I'm
desirous to know how his impudence affects my daughter. She will
certainly be shocked at it.


Enter MISS HARDCASTLE, plainly dressed.


HARDCASTLE. Well, my Kate, I see you have changed your dress, as I
bade you; and yet, I believe, there was no great occasion.

MISS HARDCASTLE. I find such a pleasure, sir, in obeying your
commands, that I take care to observe them without ever debating their
propriety.

HARDCASTLE. And yet, Kate, I sometimes give you some cause,
particularly when I recommended my modest gentleman to you as a lover
to-day.

MISS HARDCASTLE. You taught me to expect something extraordinary, and
I find the original exceeds the description.

HARDCASTLE. I was never so surprised in my life! He has quite
confounded all my faculties!

MISS HARDCASTLE. I never saw anything like it: and a man of the world
too!

HARDCASTLE. Ay, he learned it all abroad--what a fool was I, to think
a young man could learn modesty by travelling. He might as soon learn
wit at a masquerade.

MISS HARDCASTLE. It seems all natural to him.

HARDCASTLE. A good deal assisted by bad company and a French
dancing-master.

MISS HARDCASTLE. Sure you mistake, papa! A French dancing-master
could never have taught him that timid look--that awkward address--that
bashful manner--

HARDCASTLE. Whose look? whose manner, child?

MISS HARDCASTLE. Mr. Marlow's: his mauvaise honte, his timidity,
struck me at the first sight.

HARDCASTLE. Then your first sight deceived you; for I think him one of
the most brazen first sights that ever astonished my senses.

MISS HARDCASTLE. Sure, sir, you rally! I never saw any one so
modest.

HARDCASTLE. And can you be serious? I never saw such a bouncing,
swaggering puppy since I was born. Bully Dawson was but a fool to him.

MISS HARDCASTLE. Surprising! He met me with a respectful bow, a
stammering voice, and a look fixed on the ground.

HARDCASTLE. He met me with a loud voice, a lordly air, and a
familiarity that made my blood freeze again.

MISS HARDCASTLE. He treated me with diffidence and respect; censured
the manners of the age; admired the prudence of girls that never
laughed; tired me with apologies for being tiresome; then left the room
with a bow, and "Madam, I would not for the world detain you. "

HARDCASTLE. He spoke to me as if he knew me all his life before;
asked twenty questions, and never waited for an answer; interrupted my
best remarks with some silly pun; and when I was in my best story of
the Duke of Marlborough and Prince Eugene, he asked if I had not a good
hand at making punch. Yes, Kate, he asked your father if he was a
maker of punch!

MISS HARDCASTLE. One of us must certainly be mistaken.

HARDCASTLE. If he be what he has shown himself, I'm determined he
shall never have my consent.

MISS HARDCASTLE. And if he be the sullen thing I take him, he shall
never have mine.

HARDCASTLE. In one thing then we are agreed--to reject him.

MISS HARDCASTLE. Yes: but upon conditions. For if you should find him
less impudent, and I more presuming--if you find him more respectful,
and I more importunate--I don't know--the fellow is well enough for a
man--Certainly, we don't meet many such at a horse-race in the country.

HARDCASTLE. If we should find him so----But that's impossible. The
first appearance has done my business. I'm seldom deceived in that.

MISS HARDCASTLE. And yet there may be many good qualities under that
first appearance.

HARDCASTLE. Ay, when a girl finds a fellow's outside to her taste, she
then sets about guessing the rest of his furniture. With her, a smooth
face stands for good sense, and a genteel figure for every virtue.

MISS HARDCASTLE. I hope, sir, a conversation begun with a compliment
to my good sense, won't end with a sneer at my understanding?

HARDCASTLE. Pardon me, Kate. But if young Mr. Brazen can find the art
of reconciling contradictions, he may please us both, perhaps.

MISS HARDCASTLE. And as one of us must be mistaken, what if we go to
make further discoveries?

HARDCASTLE. Agreed. But depend on't I'm in the right.

MISS HARDCASTLE. And depend on't I'm not much in the wrong.
[Exeunt. ]


Enter Tony, running in with a casket.


TONY. Ecod! I have got them. Here they are. My cousin Con's
necklaces, bobs and all.