No More Learning

THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL


A COMEDY

A PORTRAIT<1>

BY R. B. SHERIDAN, ESQ.


Transcriber's Comments on the preparation of this E-Text:

SQUARE BRACKETS:

The square brackets, i. e. [ ] are copied from the printed book, without
change, except that a closing bracket "]" has been added to the stage
directions.


FOOTNOTES:

For this E-Text version of the book, the footnotes have been
consolidated at the end of the play.

Numbering of the footnotes has been changed, and each footnote is given
a unique identity in the form <X>.


CHANGES TO THE TEXT:

Character names have been expanded. For Example, SIR BENJAMIN was SIR
BEN.




THE TEXT OF THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL

The text of THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL in this edition is taken, by Mr.
Fraser Rae's generous permission, from his SHERIDAN'S PLAYS NOW PRINTED
AS HE WROTE THEM. In his Prefatory Notes (xxxvii), Mr. Rae writes: "The
manuscript of it [THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL] in Sheridan's own handwriting
is preserved at Frampton Court and is now printed in this volume. This
version differs in many respects from that which is generally known,
and I think it is even better than that which has hitherto been read and
acted. As I have endeavoured to reproduce the works of Sheridan as he
wrote them, I may be told that he was a bad hand at punctuating and very
bad at spelling. . . . But Sheridan's shortcomings as a speller have
been exaggerated. " Lest "Sheridan's shortcomings" either in spelling
or in punctuation should obscure the text, I have, in this edition,
inserted in brackets some explanatory suggestions. It has seemed best,
also, to adopt a uniform method for indicating stage-directions and
abbreviations of the names of characters. There can be no gain to the
reader in reproducing, for example, Sheridan's different indications for
the part of Lady Sneerwell--LADY SNEERWELL, LADY SNEER. , LADY SN. , and
LADY S. --or his varying use of EXIT and EX. , or his inconsistencies in
the use of italics in the stage-directions. Since, however, Sheridan's
biographers, from Moore to Fraser Rae, have shown that no authorised or
correct edition of THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL was published in Sheridan's
lifetime, there seems unusual justification for reproducing the text of
the play itself with absolute fidelity to the original manuscript. Mr.
Ridgway, who repeatedly sought to obtain a copy corrected by the author,
according to Moore's account (LIFE OF SHERIDAN, I. p. 260), "was told
by Mr. Sheridan, as an excuse for keeping it back, that he had been
nineteen years endeavouring to satisfy himself with the style of The
School for Scandal, but had not yet succeeded. " Mr. Rae (SHERIDAN, I. p.
332) recorded his discovery of the manuscript of "two acts of The School
for Scandal prepared by Sheridan for publication," and hoped, before his
death, to publish this partial revision. Numberless unauthorized changes
in the play have been made for histrionic purposes, from the first
undated Dublin edition to that of Mr. Augustin Daly. Current texts may
usually be traced, directly or indirectly, to the two-volume Murray
edition of Sheridan's plays, in 1821. Some of the changes from the
original manuscript, such as the blending of the parts of Miss Verjuice
and Snake, are doubtless effective for reasons of dramatic economy, but
many of the "cuts" are to be regretted from the reader's standpoint. The
student of English drama will prefer Sheridan's own text to editorial
emendations, however clever or effective for dramatic ends.





THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL


ADDRESSED TO MRS. CREWE,

WITH THE COMEDY OF THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL

Tell me, ye prim adepts in Scandal's school,
Who rail by precept, and detract by rule,
Lives there no character, so tried, so known,
So deck'd with grace, and so unlike your own,
That even you assist her fame to raise,
Approve by envy, and by silence praise! --
Attend! --a model shall attract your view--
Daughters of calumny, I summon you!
You shall decide if this a portrait prove,
Or fond creation of the Muse and Love. --
Attend, ye virgin critics, shrewd and sage,
Ye matron censors of this childish age,
Whose peering eye and wrinkled front declare
A fixt antipathy to young and fair;
By cunning, cautious; or by nature, cold,
In maiden madness, virulently bold! --
Attend! ye skilled to coin the precious tale,
Creating proof, where innuendos fail!
Whose practised memories, cruelly exact,
Omit no circumstance, except the fact! --
Attend, all ye who boast,--or old or young,--
The living libel of a slanderous tongue!
So shall my theme as far contrasted be,
As saints by fiends, or hymns by calumny.
Come, gentle Amoret (for 'neath that name,
In worthier verse is sung thy beauty's fame);
Come--for but thee who seeks the Muse? and while
Celestial blushes check thy conscious smile,
With timid grace, and hesitating eye,
The perfect model, which I boast, supply:--
Vain Muse! couldst thou the humblest sketch create
Of her, or slightest charm couldst imitate--
Could thy blest strain in kindred colours trace
The faintest wonder of her form and face--
Poets would study the immortal line,
And REYNOLDS own HIS art subdued by thine;
That art, which well might added lustre give
To Nature's best and Heaven's superlative:
On GRANBY'S cheek might bid new glories rise,
Or point a purer beam from DEVON'S eyes!
Hard is the task to shape that beauty's praise,
Whose judgment scorns the homage flattery pays!
But praising Amoret we cannot err,
No tongue o'ervalues Heaven, or flatters her!
Yet she, by Fate's perverseness--she alone
Would doubt our truth, nor deem such praise her own!
Adorning Fashion, unadorn'd by dress,
Simple from taste, and not from carelessness;
Discreet in gesture, in deportment mild,
Not stiff with prudence, nor uncouthly wild:
No state has AMORET! no studied mien;
She frowns no GODDESS, and she moves no QUEEN.
The softer charm that in her manner lies
Is framed to captivate, yet not surprise;
It justly suits th' expression of her face,--
'Tis less than dignity, and more than grace!
On her pure cheek the native hue is such,
That, form'd by Heav'n to be admired so much,
The hand divine, with a less partial care,
Might well have fix'd a fainter crimson there,
And bade the gentle inmate of her breast,--
Inshrined Modesty! --supply the rest.
But who the peril of her lips shall paint?
Strip them of smiles--still, still all words are faint!
But moving Love himself appears to teach
Their action, though denied to rule her speech;
And thou who seest her speak and dost not hear,
Mourn not her distant accents 'scape thine ear;
Viewing those lips, thou still may'st make pretence
To judge of what she says, and swear 'tis sense:
Cloth'd with such grace, with such expression fraught,
They move in meaning, and they pause in thought!
But dost thou farther watch, with charm'd surprise,
The mild irresolution of her eyes,
Curious to mark how frequent they repose,
In brief eclipse and momentary close--
Ah! seest thou not an ambush'd Cupid there,
Too tim'rous of his charge, with jealous care
Veils and unveils those beams of heav'nly light,
Too full, too fatal else, for mortal sight?
Nor yet, such pleasing vengeance fond to meet,
In pard'ning dimples hope a safe retreat.
What though her peaceful breast should ne'er allow
Subduing frowns to arm her altered brow,
By Love, I swear, and by his gentle wiles,
More fatal still the mercy of her smiles!
Thus lovely, thus adorn'd, possessing all
Of bright or fair that can to woman fall,
The height of vanity might well be thought
Prerogative in her, and Nature's fault.
Yet gentle AMORET, in mind supreme
As well as charms, rejects the vainer theme;
And, half mistrustful of her beauty's store,
She barbs with wit those darts too keen before:--
Read in all knowledge that her sex should reach,
Though GREVILLE, or the MUSE, should deign to teach,
Fond to improve, nor tim'rous to discern
How far it is a woman's grace to learn;
In MILLAR'S dialect she would not prove
Apollo's priestess, but Apollo's love,
Graced by those signs which truth delights to own,
The timid blush, and mild submitted tone:
Whate'er she says, though sense appear throughout,
Displays the tender hue of female doubt;
Deck'd with that charm, how lovely wit appears,
How graceful SCIENCE, when that robe she wears!
Such too her talents, and her bent of mind,
As speak a sprightly heart by thought refined:
A taste for mirth, by contemplation school'd,
A turn for ridicule, by candour ruled,
A scorn of folly, which she tries to hide;
An awe of talent, which she owns with pride!
Peace, idle Muse! no more thy strain prolong,
But yield a theme thy warmest praises wrong;
Just to her merit, though thou canst not raise
Thy feeble verse, behold th' acknowledged praise
Has spread conviction through the envious train,
And cast a fatal gloom o'er Scandal's reign!
And lo! each pallid hag, with blister'd tongue,
Mutters assent to all thy zeal has sung--
Owns all the colours just--the outline true;
Thee my inspirer, and my MODEL--CREWE!



DRAMATIS PERSONAE<2>

SIR PETER TEAZLE Mr. King
SIR OLIVER SURFACE Mr. Yates
YOUNG SURFACE Mr. Palmer
CHARLES (his Brother) Mr. Smith
CRABTREE Mr. Parsons
SIR BENJAMIN BACKBITE Mr. Dodd
ROWLEY Mr. Aikin
SPUNGE
MOSES
SNAKE
CARELESS--and other companions to CHARLES

LADY TEAZLE
MARIA
LADY SNEERWELL
MRS. CANDOUR
MISS VERJUICE




PROLOGUE WRITTEN BY MR. GARRICK

A school for Scandal! tell me, I beseech you,
Needs there a school this modish art to teach you?
No need of lessons now, the knowing think;
We might as well be taught to eat and drink.
Caused by a dearth of scandal, should the vapours
Distress our fair ones--let them read the papers;
Their powerful mixtures such disorders hit;
Crave what you will--there's quantum sufficit.
"Lord! " cries my Lady Wormwood (who loves tattle,
And puts much salt and pepper in her prattle),
Just risen at noon, all night at cards when threshing
Strong tea and scandal--"Bless me, how refreshing!
Give me the papers, Lisp--how bold and free! [Sips. ]
LAST NIGHT LORD L. [Sips] WAS CAUGHT WITH LADY D.
For aching heads what charming sal volatile! [Sips. ]
IF MRS. B. WILL STILL CONTINUE FLIRTING,
WE HOPE SHE'LL draw, OR WE'LL undraw THE CURTAIN.
Fine satire, poz--in public all abuse it,
But, by ourselves [Sips], our praise we can't refuse it.
Now, Lisp, read you--there, at that dash and star:"
"Yes, ma'am--A CERTAIN LORD HAD BEST BEWARE,
WHO LIVES NOT TWENTY MILES FROM GROSVENOR SQUARE;
FOR, SHOULD HE LADY W. FIND WILLING,
WORMWOOD IS BITTER"----"Oh! that's me! the villain!
Throw it behind the fire, and never more
Let that vile paper come within my door. "
Thus at our friends we laugh, who feel the dart;
To reach our feelings, we ourselves must smart.
Is our young bard so young, to think that he
Can stop the full spring-tide of calumny?
Knows he the world so little, and its trade?
Alas! the devil's sooner raised than laid.
So strong, so swift, the monster there's no gagging:
Cut Scandal's head off, still the tongue is wagging.
Proud of your smiles once lavishly bestow'd,
Again our young Don Quixote takes the road;
To show his gratitude he draws his pen,
And seeks his hydra, Scandal, in his den.
For your applause all perils he would through--
He'll fight--that's write--a cavalliero true,
Till every drop of blood--that's ink--is spilt for you.




ACT I


SCENE I. --LADY SNEERWELL'S House

LADY SNEERWELL at her dressing table with LAPPET; MISS VERJUICE drinking
chocolate

LADY SNEERWELL. The Paragraphs you say were all inserted:

VERJUICE. They were Madam--and as I copied them myself in a feigned Hand
there can be no suspicion whence they came.

LADY SNEERWELL. Did you circulate the Report of Lady Brittle's Intrigue
with Captain Boastall?

VERJUICE. Madam by this Time Lady Brittle is the Talk of half the
Town--and I doubt not in a week the Men will toast her as a Demirep.

LADY SNEERWELL. What have you done as to the insinuation as to a certain
Baronet's Lady and a certain Cook.

VERJUICE. That is in as fine a Train as your Ladyship could wish. I told
the story yesterday to my own maid with directions to communicate it
directly to my Hairdresser. He I am informed has a Brother who courts a
Milliners' Prentice in Pallmall whose mistress has a first cousin whose
sister is Feme [Femme] de Chambre to Mrs. Clackit--so that in the
common course of Things it must reach Mrs. Clackit's Ears within
four-and-twenty hours and then you know the Business is as good as done.

LADY SNEERWELL. Why truly Mrs. Clackit has a very pretty Talent--a great
deal of industry--yet--yes--been tolerably successful in her way--To my
knowledge she has been the cause of breaking off six matches[,] of three
sons being disinherited and four Daughters being turned out of Doors.
Of three several Elopements, as many close confinements--nine separate
maintenances and two Divorces. --nay I have more than once traced her
causing a Tete-a-Tete in the Town and Country Magazine--when the Parties
perhaps had never seen each other's Faces before in the course of their
Lives.

VERJUICE. She certainly has Talents.

LADY SNEERWELL. But her manner is gross.

VERJUICE. 'Tis very true. She generally designs well[,] has a free
tongue and a bold invention--but her colouring is too dark and her
outline often extravagant--She wants that delicacy of Tint--and
mellowness of sneer--which distinguish your Ladyship's Scandal.

LADY SNEERWELL. Ah you are Partial Verjuice.

VERJUICE. Not in the least--everybody allows that Lady Sneerwell can do
more with a word or a Look than many can with the most laboured Detail
even when they happen to have a little truth on their side to support
it.

LADY SNEERWELL. Yes my dear Verjuice. I am no Hypocrite to deny the
satisfaction I reap from the Success of my Efforts. Wounded myself, in
the early part of my Life by the envenomed Tongue of Slander I confess
I have since known no Pleasure equal to the reducing others to the Level
of my own injured Reputation.

VERJUICE. Nothing can be more natural--But my dear Lady Sneerwell There
is one affair in which you have lately employed me, wherein, I confess I
am at a Loss to guess your motives.

LADY SNEERWELL. I conceive you mean with respect to my neighbour, Sir
Peter Teazle, and his Family--Lappet. --And has my conduct in this matter
really appeared to you so mysterious?

[Exit MAID. ]

VERJUICE. Entirely so.

LADY SNEERWELL. [VERJUICE. ? ] An old Batchelor as Sir Peter was[,] having
taken a young wife from out of the Country--as Lady Teazle is--are
certainly fair subjects for a little mischievous raillery--but here are
two young men--to whom Sir Peter has acted as a kind of Guardian since
their Father's death, the eldest possessing the most amiable Character
and universally well spoken of[,] the youngest the most dissipated
and extravagant young Fellow in the Kingdom, without Friends or
caracter--the former one an avowed admirer of yours and apparently
your Favourite[,] the latter attached to Maria Sir Peter's ward--and
confessedly beloved by her. Now on the face of these circumstances it
is utterly unaccountable to me why you a young Widow with no great
jointure--should not close with the passion of a man of such character
and expectations as Mr. Surface--and more so why you should be so
uncommonly earnest to destroy the mutual Attachment subsisting between
his Brother Charles and Maria.

LADY SNEERWELL. Then at once to unravel this mistery--I must inform you
that Love has no share whatever in the intercourse between Mr. Surface
and me.

VERJUICE. No!

LADY SNEERWELL. His real attachment is to Maria or her Fortune--but
finding in his Brother a favoured Rival, He has been obliged to mask his
Pretensions--and profit by my Assistance.

VERJUICE. Yet still I am more puzzled why you should interest yourself
in his success.

LADY SNEERWELL. Heavens! how dull you are! cannot you surmise the
weakness which I hitherto, thro' shame have concealed even from
you--must I confess that Charles--that Libertine, that extravagant, that
Bankrupt in Fortune and Reputation--that He it is for whom I am thus
anxious and malicious and to gain whom I would sacrifice--everything----

VERJUICE. Now indeed--your conduct appears consistent and I no longer
wonder at your enmity to Maria, but how came you and Surface so
confidential?

LADY SNEERWELL. For our mutual interest--but I have found out him a long
time since[,] altho' He has contrived to deceive everybody beside--I
know him to be artful selfish and malicious--while with Sir Peter, and
indeed with all his acquaintance, He passes for a youthful Miracle of
Prudence--good sense and Benevolence.

VERJUICE. Yes yes--I know Sir Peter vows He has not his equal in
England; and, above all, He praises him as a MAN OF SENTIMENT.

LADY SNEERWELL. True and with the assistance of his sentiments and
hypocrisy he has brought Sir Peter entirely in his interests with
respect to Maria and is now I believe attempting to flatter Lady Teazle
into the same good opinion towards him--while poor Charles has no Friend
in the House--though I fear he has a powerful one in Maria's Heart,
against whom we must direct our schemes.

SERVANT. Mr. Surface.

LADY SNEERWELL. Shew him up. He generally calls about this Time. I don't
wonder at People's giving him to me for a Lover.

Enter SURFACE

SURFACE. My dear Lady Sneerwell, how do you do to-day--your most
obedient.

LADY SNEERWELL. Miss Verjuice has just been arraigning me on our mutual
attachment now; but I have informed her of our real views and the
Purposes for which our Geniuses at present co-operate. You know
how useful she has been to us--and believe me the confidence is not
ill-placed.

SURFACE. Madam, it is impossible for me to suspect that a Lady of Miss
Verjuice's sensibility and discernment----

LADY SNEERWELL.
--
Attend, ye virgin critics, shrewd and sage,
Ye matron censors of this childish age,
Whose peering eye and wrinkled front declare
A fixt antipathy to young and fair;
By cunning, cautious; or by nature, cold,
In maiden madness, virulently bold! --
Attend! ye skilled to coin the precious tale,
Creating proof, where innuendos fail!
Whose practised memories, cruelly exact,
Omit no circumstance, except the fact! --
Attend, all ye who boast,--or old or young,--
The living libel of a slanderous tongue!
So shall my theme as far contrasted be,
As saints by fiends, or hymns by calumny.
Come, gentle Amoret (for 'neath that name,
In worthier verse is sung thy beauty's fame);
Come--for but thee who seeks the Muse? and while
Celestial blushes check thy conscious smile,
With timid grace, and hesitating eye,
The perfect model, which I boast, supply:--
Vain Muse! couldst thou the humblest sketch create
Of her, or slightest charm couldst imitate--
Could thy blest strain in kindred colours trace
The faintest wonder of her form and face--
Poets would study the immortal line,
And REYNOLDS own HIS art subdued by thine;
That art, which well might added lustre give
To Nature's best and Heaven's superlative:
On GRANBY'S cheek might bid new glories rise,
Or point a purer beam from DEVON'S eyes!
Hard is the task to shape that beauty's praise,
Whose judgment scorns the homage flattery pays!
But praising Amoret we cannot err,
No tongue o'ervalues Heaven, or flatters her!
Yet she, by Fate's perverseness--she alone
Would doubt our truth, nor deem such praise her own!
Adorning Fashion, unadorn'd by dress,
Simple from taste, and not from carelessness;
Discreet in gesture, in deportment mild,
Not stiff with prudence, nor uncouthly wild:
No state has AMORET! no studied mien;
She frowns no GODDESS, and she moves no QUEEN.
The softer charm that in her manner lies
Is framed to captivate, yet not surprise;
It justly suits th' expression of her face,--
'Tis less than dignity, and more than grace!
On her pure cheek the native hue is such,
That, form'd by Heav'n to be admired so much,
The hand divine, with a less partial care,
Might well have fix'd a fainter crimson there,
And bade the gentle inmate of her breast,--
Inshrined Modesty! --supply the rest.
But who the peril of her lips shall paint?
Strip them of smiles--still, still all words are faint!
But moving Love himself appears to teach
Their action, though denied to rule her speech;
And thou who seest her speak and dost not hear,
Mourn not her distant accents 'scape thine ear;
Viewing those lips, thou still may'st make pretence
To judge of what she says, and swear 'tis sense:
Cloth'd with such grace, with such expression fraught,
They move in meaning, and they pause in thought!
But dost thou farther watch, with charm'd surprise,
The mild irresolution of her eyes,
Curious to mark how frequent they repose,
In brief eclipse and momentary close--
Ah! seest thou not an ambush'd Cupid there,
Too tim'rous of his charge, with jealous care
Veils and unveils those beams of heav'nly light,
Too full, too fatal else, for mortal sight?
Nor yet, such pleasing vengeance fond to meet,
In pard'ning dimples hope a safe retreat.
What though her peaceful breast should ne'er allow
Subduing frowns to arm her altered brow,
By Love, I swear, and by his gentle wiles,
More fatal still the mercy of her smiles!
Thus lovely, thus adorn'd, possessing all
Of bright or fair that can to woman fall,
The height of vanity might well be thought
Prerogative in her, and Nature's fault.
Yet gentle AMORET, in mind supreme
As well as charms, rejects the vainer theme;
And, half mistrustful of her beauty's store,
She barbs with wit those darts too keen before:--
Read in all knowledge that her sex should reach,
Though GREVILLE, or the MUSE, should deign to teach,
Fond to improve, nor tim'rous to discern
How far it is a woman's grace to learn;
In MILLAR'S dialect she would not prove
Apollo's priestess, but Apollo's love,
Graced by those signs which truth delights to own,
The timid blush, and mild submitted tone:
Whate'er she says, though sense appear throughout,
Displays the tender hue of female doubt;
Deck'd with that charm, how lovely wit appears,
How graceful SCIENCE, when that robe she wears!
Such too her talents, and her bent of mind,
As speak a sprightly heart by thought refined:
A taste for mirth, by contemplation school'd,
A turn for ridicule, by candour ruled,
A scorn of folly, which she tries to hide;
An awe of talent, which she owns with pride!
Peace, idle Muse! no more thy strain prolong,
But yield a theme thy warmest praises wrong;
Just to her merit, though thou canst not raise
Thy feeble verse, behold th' acknowledged praise
Has spread conviction through the envious train,
And cast a fatal gloom o'er Scandal's reign!
And lo! each pallid hag, with blister'd tongue,
Mutters assent to all thy zeal has sung--
Owns all the colours just--the outline true;
Thee my inspirer, and my MODEL--CREWE!



DRAMATIS PERSONAE<2>

SIR PETER TEAZLE Mr. King
SIR OLIVER SURFACE Mr. Yates
YOUNG SURFACE Mr. Palmer
CHARLES (his Brother) Mr. Smith
CRABTREE Mr. Parsons
SIR BENJAMIN BACKBITE Mr. Dodd
ROWLEY Mr. Aikin
SPUNGE
MOSES
SNAKE
CARELESS--and other companions to CHARLES

LADY TEAZLE
MARIA
LADY SNEERWELL
MRS. CANDOUR
MISS VERJUICE




PROLOGUE WRITTEN BY MR. GARRICK

A school for Scandal! tell me, I beseech you,
Needs there a school this modish art to teach you?
No need of lessons now, the knowing think;
We might as well be taught to eat and drink.
Caused by a dearth of scandal, should the vapours
Distress our fair ones--let them read the papers;
Their powerful mixtures such disorders hit;
Crave what you will--there's quantum sufficit.
"Lord! " cries my Lady Wormwood (who loves tattle,
And puts much salt and pepper in her prattle),
Just risen at noon, all night at cards when threshing
Strong tea and scandal--"Bless me, how refreshing!
Give me the papers, Lisp--how bold and free! [Sips. ]
LAST NIGHT LORD L. [Sips] WAS CAUGHT WITH LADY D.
For aching heads what charming sal volatile! [Sips. ]
IF MRS. B. WILL STILL CONTINUE FLIRTING,
WE HOPE SHE'LL draw, OR WE'LL undraw THE CURTAIN.
Fine satire, poz--in public all abuse it,
But, by ourselves [Sips], our praise we can't refuse it.
Now, Lisp, read you--there, at that dash and star:"
"Yes, ma'am--A CERTAIN LORD HAD BEST BEWARE,
WHO LIVES NOT TWENTY MILES FROM GROSVENOR SQUARE;
FOR, SHOULD HE LADY W. FIND WILLING,
WORMWOOD IS BITTER"----"Oh! that's me! the villain!
Throw it behind the fire, and never more
Let that vile paper come within my door. "
Thus at our friends we laugh, who feel the dart;
To reach our feelings, we ourselves must smart.
Is our young bard so young, to think that he
Can stop the full spring-tide of calumny?
Knows he the world so little, and its trade?
Alas! the devil's sooner raised than laid.
So strong, so swift, the monster there's no gagging:
Cut Scandal's head off, still the tongue is wagging.
Proud of your smiles once lavishly bestow'd,
Again our young Don Quixote takes the road;
To show his gratitude he draws his pen,
And seeks his hydra, Scandal, in his den.
For your applause all perils he would through--
He'll fight--that's write--a cavalliero true,
Till every drop of blood--that's ink--is spilt for you.




ACT I


SCENE I. --LADY SNEERWELL'S House

LADY SNEERWELL at her dressing table with LAPPET; MISS VERJUICE drinking
chocolate

LADY SNEERWELL. The Paragraphs you say were all inserted:

VERJUICE. They were Madam--and as I copied them myself in a feigned Hand
there can be no suspicion whence they came.

LADY SNEERWELL. Did you circulate the Report of Lady Brittle's Intrigue
with Captain Boastall?

VERJUICE. Madam by this Time Lady Brittle is the Talk of half the
Town--and I doubt not in a week the Men will toast her as a Demirep.

LADY SNEERWELL. What have you done as to the insinuation as to a certain
Baronet's Lady and a certain Cook.

VERJUICE. That is in as fine a Train as your Ladyship could wish. I told
the story yesterday to my own maid with directions to communicate it
directly to my Hairdresser. He I am informed has a Brother who courts a
Milliners' Prentice in Pallmall whose mistress has a first cousin whose
sister is Feme [Femme] de Chambre to Mrs. Clackit--so that in the
common course of Things it must reach Mrs. Clackit's Ears within
four-and-twenty hours and then you know the Business is as good as done.

LADY SNEERWELL. Why truly Mrs. Clackit has a very pretty Talent--a great
deal of industry--yet--yes--been tolerably successful in her way--To my
knowledge she has been the cause of breaking off six matches[,] of three
sons being disinherited and four Daughters being turned out of Doors.
Of three several Elopements, as many close confinements--nine separate
maintenances and two Divorces. --nay I have more than once traced her
causing a Tete-a-Tete in the Town and Country Magazine--when the Parties
perhaps had never seen each other's Faces before in the course of their
Lives.

VERJUICE. She certainly has Talents.

LADY SNEERWELL. But her manner is gross.

VERJUICE. 'Tis very true. She generally designs well[,] has a free
tongue and a bold invention--but her colouring is too dark and her
outline often extravagant--She wants that delicacy of Tint--and
mellowness of sneer--which distinguish your Ladyship's Scandal.

LADY SNEERWELL. Ah you are Partial Verjuice.

VERJUICE. Not in the least--everybody allows that Lady Sneerwell can do
more with a word or a Look than many can with the most laboured Detail
even when they happen to have a little truth on their side to support
it.

LADY SNEERWELL. Yes my dear Verjuice. I am no Hypocrite to deny the
satisfaction I reap from the Success of my Efforts. Wounded myself, in
the early part of my Life by the envenomed Tongue of Slander I confess
I have since known no Pleasure equal to the reducing others to the Level
of my own injured Reputation.

VERJUICE. Nothing can be more natural--But my dear Lady Sneerwell There
is one affair in which you have lately employed me, wherein, I confess I
am at a Loss to guess your motives.

LADY SNEERWELL. I conceive you mean with respect to my neighbour, Sir
Peter Teazle, and his Family--Lappet. --And has my conduct in this matter
really appeared to you so mysterious?

[Exit MAID. ]

VERJUICE. Entirely so.

LADY SNEERWELL. [VERJUICE. ? ] An old Batchelor as Sir Peter was[,] having
taken a young wife from out of the Country--as Lady Teazle is--are
certainly fair subjects for a little mischievous raillery--but here are
two young men--to whom Sir Peter has acted as a kind of Guardian since
their Father's death, the eldest possessing the most amiable Character
and universally well spoken of[,] the youngest the most dissipated
and extravagant young Fellow in the Kingdom, without Friends or
caracter--the former one an avowed admirer of yours and apparently
your Favourite[,] the latter attached to Maria Sir Peter's ward--and
confessedly beloved by her. Now on the face of these circumstances it
is utterly unaccountable to me why you a young Widow with no great
jointure--should not close with the passion of a man of such character
and expectations as Mr. Surface--and more so why you should be so
uncommonly earnest to destroy the mutual Attachment subsisting between
his Brother Charles and Maria.

LADY SNEERWELL. Then at once to unravel this mistery--I must inform you
that Love has no share whatever in the intercourse between Mr. Surface
and me.

VERJUICE. No!

LADY SNEERWELL. His real attachment is to Maria or her Fortune--but
finding in his Brother a favoured Rival, He has been obliged to mask his
Pretensions--and profit by my Assistance.

VERJUICE. Yet still I am more puzzled why you should interest yourself
in his success.

LADY SNEERWELL. Heavens! how dull you are! cannot you surmise the
weakness which I hitherto, thro' shame have concealed even from
you--must I confess that Charles--that Libertine, that extravagant, that
Bankrupt in Fortune and Reputation--that He it is for whom I am thus
anxious and malicious and to gain whom I would sacrifice--everything----

VERJUICE. Now indeed--your conduct appears consistent and I no longer
wonder at your enmity to Maria, but how came you and Surface so
confidential?

LADY SNEERWELL. For our mutual interest--but I have found out him a long
time since[,] altho' He has contrived to deceive everybody beside--I
know him to be artful selfish and malicious--while with Sir Peter, and
indeed with all his acquaintance, He passes for a youthful Miracle of
Prudence--good sense and Benevolence.

VERJUICE. Yes yes--I know Sir Peter vows He has not his equal in
England; and, above all, He praises him as a MAN OF SENTIMENT.

LADY SNEERWELL. True and with the assistance of his sentiments and
hypocrisy he has brought Sir Peter entirely in his interests with
respect to Maria and is now I believe attempting to flatter Lady Teazle
into the same good opinion towards him--while poor Charles has no Friend
in the House--though I fear he has a powerful one in Maria's Heart,
against whom we must direct our schemes.

SERVANT. Mr. Surface.

LADY SNEERWELL. Shew him up. He generally calls about this Time. I don't
wonder at People's giving him to me for a Lover.

Enter SURFACE

SURFACE. My dear Lady Sneerwell, how do you do to-day--your most
obedient.

LADY SNEERWELL. Miss Verjuice has just been arraigning me on our mutual
attachment now; but I have informed her of our real views and the
Purposes for which our Geniuses at present co-operate. You know
how useful she has been to us--and believe me the confidence is not
ill-placed.

SURFACE. Madam, it is impossible for me to suspect that a Lady of Miss
Verjuice's sensibility and discernment----

LADY SNEERWELL. Well--well--no compliments now--but tell me when you saw
your mistress or what is more material to me your Brother.

SURFACE. I have not seen either since I saw you--but I can inform you
that they are at present at Variance--some of your stories have taken
good effect on Maria.

LADY SNEERWELL. Ah! my dear Verjuice the merit of this belongs to you.
But do your Brother's Distresses encrease?

SURFACE. Every hour. I am told He had another execution in his house
yesterday--in short his Dissipation and extravagance exceed anything I
have ever heard of.

LADY SNEERWELL. Poor Charles!

SURFACE. True Madam--notwithstanding his Vices one can't help feeling
for him--ah poor Charles! I'm sure I wish it was in my Power to be of
any essential Service to him--for the man who does not share in
the Distresses of a Brother--even though merited by his own
misconduct--deserves----

LADY SNEERWELL. O Lud you are going to be moral, and forget that you are
among Friends.

SURFACE. Egad, that's true--I'll keep that sentiment till I see Sir
Peter. However it is certainly a charity to rescue Maria from such a
Libertine who--if He is to be reclaim'd, can be so only by a Person of
your Ladyship's superior accomplishments and understanding.

VERJUICE. 'Twould be a Hazardous experiment.

SURFACE. But--Madam--let me caution you to place no more confidence in
our Friend Snake the Libeller--I have lately detected him in frequent
conference with old Rowland [Rowley] who was formerly my Father's
Steward and has never been a friend of mine.

LADY SNEERWELL. I'm not disappointed in Snake, I never suspected the
fellow to have virtue enough to be faithful even to his own Villany.

Enter MARIA

Maria my dear--how do you do--what's the matter?

MARIA. O here is that disagreeable lover of mine, Sir Benjamin Backbite,
has just call'd at my guardian's with his odious Uncle Crabtree--so I
slipt out and ran hither to avoid them.

LADY SNEERWELL. Is that all?

VERJUICE. Lady Sneerwell--I'll go and write the Letter I mention'd to
you.

SURFACE. If my Brother Charles had been of the Party, madam, perhaps you
would not have been so much alarmed.

LADY SNEERWELL. Nay now--you are severe for I dare swear the Truth
of the matter is Maria heard YOU were here--but my dear--what has Sir
Benjamin done that you should avoid him so----

MARIA. Oh He has done nothing--but his conversation is a perpetual Libel
on all his Acquaintance.

SURFACE. Aye and the worst of it is there is no advantage in not knowing
Them, for He'll abuse a stranger just as soon as his best Friend--and
Crabtree is as bad.

LADY SNEERWELL. Nay but we should make allowance[--]Sir Benjamin is a
wit and a poet.

MARIA. For my Part--I own madam--wit loses its respect with me, when I
see it in company with malice. --What do you think, Mr. Surface?

SURFACE. Certainly, Madam, to smile at the jest which plants a Thorn on
another's Breast is to become a principal in the mischief.

LADY SNEERWELL.