No More Learning

When the building was done, he inscribed
on the actual masonry his own name, but covered this up with plaster, on
which he then added the name of the reigning king. He knew that, as
happened later, letters and plaster would fall off together, and reveal
the words:

SOSTRATUS SON OF DEXIPHANES OF CNIDUS ON BEHALF OF ALL MARINERS TO THE
SAVIOUR GODS

_He_ looked not, it appears, to that time, nor to the space of his
own little life, but to this time, and to all time, as long as his tower
shall stand and his art abide.

So too should the historian write, consorting with Truth and not with
flattery, looking to the future hope, not to the gratification of the
flattered.

There is your measuring-line for just history. If any one be found to use
it, well; I have not written in vain: if none, yet have I rolled my tub
on the Craneum.




THE TRUE HISTORY


INTRODUCTION

Athletes and physical trainers do not limit their attention to the
questions of perfect condition and exercise; they say there is a time for
relaxation also--which indeed they represent as the most important
element in training. I hold it equally true for literary men that after
severe study they should unbend the intellect, if it is to come perfectly
efficient to its next task.

The rest they want will best be found in a course of literature which
does not offer entertainment pure and simple, depending on mere wit or
felicity, but is also capable of stirring an educated curiosity--in a way
which I hope will be exemplified in the following pages. They are
intended to have an attraction independent of any originality of subject,
any happiness of general design, any verisimilitude in the piling up of
fictions. This attraction is in the veiled reference underlying all the
details of my narrative; they parody the cock-and-bull stories of ancient
poets, historians, and philosophers; I have only refrained from adding a
key because I could rely upon you to recognize as you read.

Ctesias, son of Ctesiochus of Cnidus, in his work on India and its
characteristics, gives details for which he had neither the evidence of
his eyes nor of hearsay. Iambulus's _Oceanica_ is full of marvels;
the whole thing is a manifest fiction, but at the same time pleasant
reading. Many other writers have adopted the same plan, professing to
relate their own travels, and describing monstrous beasts, savages, and
strange ways of life. The fount and inspiration of their humour is the
Homeric Odysseus, entertaining Alcinous's court with his prisoned winds,
his men one-eyed or wild or cannibal, his beasts with many heads, and his
metamorphosed comrades; the Phaeacians were simple folk, and he fooled
them to the top of their bent.

When I come across a writer of this sort, I do not much mind his lying;
the practice is much too well established for that, even with professed
philosophers; I am only surprised at his expecting to escape detection.
Now I am myself vain enough to cherish the hope of bequeathing something
to posterity; I see no reason for resigning my right to that inventive
freedom which others enjoy; and, as I have no truth to put on record,
having lived a very humdrum life, I fall back on falsehood--but falsehood
of a more consistent variety; for I now make the only true statement you
are to expect--that I am a liar. This confession is, I consider, a full
defence against all imputations. My subject is, then, what I have neither
seen, experienced, nor been told, what neither exists nor could
conceivably do so. I humbly solicit my readers' incredulity.

BOOK I

Starting on a certain date from the Pillars of Heracles, I sailed with a
fair wind into the Atlantic. The motives of my voyage were a certain
intellectual restlessness, a passion for novelty, a curiosity about the
limits of the ocean and the peoples who might dwell beyond it. This being
my design, I provisioned and watered my ship on a generous scale. My crew
amounted to fifty, all men whose interests, as well as their years,
corresponded with my own. I had further provided a good supply of arms,
secured the best navigator to be had for money, and had the ship--a
sloop--specially strengthened for a long and arduous voyage.

For a day and a night we were carried quietly along by the breeze, with
land still in sight. But with the next day's dawn the wind rose to a
gale, with a heavy sea and a dark sky; we found ourselves unable to take
in sail. We surrendered ourselves to the elements, let her run, and were
storm-driven for more than eleven weeks. On the eightieth day the sun
came out quite suddenly, and we found ourselves close to a lofty wooded
island, round which the waves were murmuring gently, the sea having
almost fallen by this time. We brought her to land, disembarked, and
after our long tossing lay a considerable time idle on shore; we at last
made a start, however, and leaving thirty of our number to guard the ship
I took the other twenty on a tour of inspection.

We had advanced half a mile inland through woods, when we came upon a
brazen pillar, inscribed in Greek characters--which however were worn and
dim--'Heracles and Dionysus reached this point. ' Not far off were two
footprints on rock; one might have been an acre in area, the other being
smaller; and I conjecture that the latter was Dionysus's, and the other
Heracles's; we did obeisance, and proceeded. Before we had gone far, we
found ourselves on a river which ran wine; it was very like Chian; the
stream full and copious, even navigable in parts. This evidence of
Dionysus's sojourn was enough to convince us that the inscription on the
pillar was authentic. Resolving to find the source, I followed the river
up, and discovered, instead of a fountain, a number of huge vines covered
with grapes; from the root of each there issued a trickle of perfectly
clear wine, the joining of which made the river. It was well stocked with
great fish, resembling wine both in colour and taste; catching and eating
some, we at once found ourselves intoxicated; and indeed when opened the
fish were full of wine-lees; presently it occurred to us to mix them with
ordinary water fish, thus diluting the strength of our spirituous food.

We now crossed the river by a ford, and came to some vines of a most
extraordinary kind. Out of the ground came a thick well-grown stem; but
the upper part was a woman, complete from the loins upward. They were
like our painters' representations of Daphne in the act of turning into a
tree just as Apollo overtakes her. From the finger-tips sprang vine
twigs, all loaded with grapes; the hair of their heads was tendrils,
leaves, and grape-clusters. They greeted us and welcomed our approach,
talking Lydian, Indian, and Greek, most of them the last. They went so
far as to kiss us on the mouth; and whoever was kissed staggered like a
drunken man. But they would not permit us to pluck their fruit, meeting
the attempt with cries of pain. Some of them made further amorous
advances; and two of my comrades who yielded to these solicitations found
it impossible to extricate themselves again from their embraces; the man
became one plant with the vine, striking root beside it; his fingers
turned to vine twigs, the tendrils were all round him, and embryo grape-
clusters were already visible on him.

We left them there and hurried back to the ship, where we told our tale,
including our friends' experiment in viticulture. Then after taking some
casks ashore and filling them with wine and water we bivouacked near the
beach, and next morning set sail before a gentle breeze. But about
midday, when we were out of sight of the island, a waterspout suddenly
came upon us, which swept the ship round and up to a height of some three
hundred and fifty miles above the earth. She did not fall back into the
sea, but was suspended aloft, and at the same time carried along by a
wind which struck and filled the sails.

For a whole week we pursued our airy course, and on the eighth day
descried land; it was an island with air for sea, glistening, spherical,
and bathed in light. We reached it, cast anchor, and landed; inspection
soon showed that it was inhabited and cultivated. In the daytime nothing
could be discerned outside of it; but night revealed many neighbouring
islands, some larger and some smaller than ours; there was also another
land below us containing cities, rivers, seas, forests, and mountains;
and this we concluded to be our Earth.

We were intending to continue our voyage, when we were discovered and
detained by the Horse-vultures, as they are called. These are men mounted
on huge vultures, which they ride like horses; the great birds have
ordinarily three heads. It will give you some idea of their size if I
state that each of their quill-feathers is longer and thicker than the
mast of a large merchantman. This corps is charged with the duty of
patrolling the land, and bringing any strangers it may find to the king;
this was what was now done with us. The king surveyed us, and, forming
his conclusions from our dress, 'Strangers,' said he, 'you are Greeks,
are you not? ' we assented. 'And how did you traverse this vast space of
air? ' In answer we gave a full account of ourselves, to which he at once
replied with his own history. It seemed he too was a mortal, named
Endymion, who had been conveyed up from our Earth in his sleep, and after
his arrival had become king of the country; this was, he told us, what we
knew on our Earth as the moon. He bade us be of good cheer and entertain
no apprehensions; all our needs should be supplied.

'And if I am victorious,' he added, 'in the campaign which I am now
commencing against the inhabitants of the Sun, I promise you an extremely
pleasant life at my court. ' We asked about the enemy, and the quarrel.
'Phaethon,' he replied, 'king of the Sun (which is inhabited, like the
Moon), has long been at war with us. The occasion was this: I wished at
one time to collect the poorest of my subjects and send them as a colony
to Lucifer, which is uninhabited. Phaethon took umbrage at this, met the
emigrants half way with a troop of Horse-ants, and forbade them to
proceed. On that occasion, being in inferior force, we were worsted and
had to retreat; but I now intend to take the offensive and send my
colony. I shall be glad if you will participate; I will provide your
equipment and mount you on vultures from the royal coops; the expedition
starts to-morrow. ' I expressed our readiness to do his pleasure.

That day we were entertained by the king; in the morning we took our
place in the ranks as soon as we were up, our scouts having announced the
approach of the enemy. Our army numbered 100,000 (exclusive of camp-
followers, engineers, infantry, and allies), the Horse-vultures amounting
to 80,000, and the remaining 20,000 being mounted on Salad-wings. These
latter are also enormous birds, fledged with various herbs, and with
quill-feathers resembling lettuce leaves. Next these were the Millet-
throwers and the Garlic-men. Endymion had also a contingent from the
North of 30,000 Flea-archers and 50,000 Wind-coursers. The former have
their name from the great fleas, each of the bulk of a dozen elephants,
which they ride. The Wind-coursers are infantry, moving through the air
without wings; they effect this by so girding their shirts, which reach
to the ankle, that they hold the wind like a sail and propel their
wearers ship-fashion. These troops are usually employed as skirmishers.
70,000 Ostrich-slingers and 50,000 Horse-cranes were said to be on their
way from the stars over Cappadocia. But as they failed to arrive I did
not actually see them; and a description from hearsay I am not prepared
to give, as the marvels related of them put some strain on belief.

Such was Endymion's force. They were all armed alike; their helmets were
made of beans, which grow there of great size and hardness; the
breastplates were of overlapping lupine-husks sewn together, these husks
being as tough as horn; as to shields and swords, they were of the Greek
type.

When the time came, the array was as follows: on the right were the
Horse-vultures, and the King with the _elite_ of his forces,
including ourselves. The Salad-wings held the left, and in the centre
were the various allies. The infantry were in round numbers 60,000,000;
they were enabled to fall in thus: there are in the Moon great numbers of
gigantic spiders, considerably larger than an average Aegean island;
these were instructed to stretch webs across from the Moon to Lucifer; as
soon as the work was done, the King drew up his infantry on this
artificial plain, entrusting the command to Nightbat, son of Fairweather,
with two lieutenants.

On the enemy's side, Phaethon occupied the left with his Horse-ants; they
are great winged animals resembling our ants except in size; but the
largest of them would measure a couple of acres. The fighting was done
not only by their riders; they used their horns also; their numbers were
stated at 50,000. On their right was about an equal force of Sky-gnats--
archers mounted on great gnats; and next them the Sky-pirouetters, light-
armed infantry only, but of some military value; they slung monstrous
radishes at long range, a wound from which was almost immediately fatal,
turning to gangrene at once; they were supposed to anoint their missiles
with mallow juice. Next came the Stalk-fungi, 10,000 heavy-armed troops
for close quarters; the explanation of their name is that their shields
are mushrooms, and their spears asparagus stalks. Their neighbours were
the Dog-acorns, Phaethon's contingent from Sirius. These were 5,000 in
number, dog-faced men fighting on winged acorns. It was reported that
Phaethon too was disappointed of the slingers whom he had summoned from
the Milky Way, and of the Cloud-centaurs. These latter, however, arrived,
most unfortunately for us, after the battle was decided; the slingers
failed altogether, and are said to have felt the resentment of Phaethon,
who wasted their territory with fire. Such was the force brought by the
enemy.

As soon as the standards were raised and the asses on both sides (their
trumpeters) had brayed, the engagement commenced. The Sunite left at once
broke without awaiting the onset of the Horse-vultures, and we pursued,
slaying them. On the other hand, their right had the better of our left,
the Sky-gnats pressing on right up to our infantry. When these joined in,
however, they turned and fled, chiefly owing to the moral effect of our
success on the other flank. The rout became decisive, great numbers were
taken and slain, and blood flowed in great quantities on to the clouds,
staining them as red as we see them at sunset; much of it also dropped
earthwards, and suggested to me that it was possibly some ancient event
of the same kind which persuaded Homer that Zeus had rained blood at the
death of Sarpedon.

Relinquishing the pursuit, we set up two trophies, one for the infantry
engagement on the spiders' webs, and one on the clouds for the air-
battle. It was while we were thus engaged that our scouts announced the
approach of the Cloud-centaurs, whom Phaethon had expected in time for
the battle. They were indeed close upon us, and a strange sight, being
compounded of winged horses and men; the human part, from the middle
upwards, was as tall as the Colossus of Rhodes, and the equine the size
of a large merchantman. Their number I cannot bring myself to write down,
for fear of exciting incredulity. They were commanded by Sagittarius.
Finding their friends defeated, they sent a messenger after Phaethon to
bring him back, and, themselves in perfect order, charged the disarrayed
Moonites, who had left their ranks and were scattered in pursuit or
pillage; they routed the whole of them, chased the King home, and killed
the greater part of his birds; they tore up the trophies, and overran the
woven plain; I myself was taken, with two of my comrades. Phaethon now
arrived, and trophies were erected on the enemy's part. We were taken off
to the Sun the same day, our hands tied behind with a piece of the
cobweb.

They decided not to lay siege to the city; but after their return they
constructed a wall across the intervening space, cutting off the Sun's
rays from the Moon. This wall was double, and built of clouds; the
consequence was total eclipse of the Moon, which experienced a continuous
night. This severity forced Endymion to negotiate. He entreated that the
wall might be taken down, and his kingdom released from this life of
darkness; he offered to pay tribute, conclude an alliance, abstain from
hostilities in future, and give hostages for these engagements. The
Sunites held two assemblies on the question, in the first of which they
refused all concessions; on the second day, however, they relented, and
peace was concluded on the following terms.

Articles of peace between the Sunites and their allies of the one part,
and the Moonites and their allies of the other part.

1. The Sunites shall demolish the party-wall, shall make no further
incursion into the Moon, and shall hold their captives to ransom at a
fixed rate.

2. The Moonites shall restore to the other stars their autonomy, shall
not bear arms against the Sunites, and shall conclude with them a mutual
defensive alliance.

3. The King of the Moonites shall pay to the King of the Sunites,
annually, a tribute of ten thousand jars of dew, and give ten
thousand hostages of his subjects.

4. The high contracting parties shall found the colony of Lucifer in
common, and shall permit persons of any other nationality to join the
same.

5. These articles shall be engraved on a pillar of electrum, which shall
be set up on the border in mid-air.

Sworn to on behalf of the Sun by Firebrace, Heaton, and Flashman; and on
behalf of the Moon by Nightwell, Monday, and Shimmer.

Peace concluded, the removal of the wall and restoration of captives at
once followed. As we reached the Moon, we were met and welcomed by our
comrades and King Endymion, all weeping for joy. The King wished us to
remain and take part in founding the colony, and, women not existing in
the Moon, offered me his son in marriage. I refused, asking that we might
be sent down to the sea again; and finding that he could not prevail, he
entertained us for a week, and then sent us on our way.

I am now to put on record the novelties and singularities which attracted
my notice during our stay in the Moon.

When a man becomes old, he does not die, but dissolves in smoke into the
air. There is one universal diet; they light a fire, and in the embers
roast frogs, great numbers of which are always flying in the air; they
then sit round as at table, snuffing up the fumes which rise and serve
them for food; their drink is air compressed in a cup till it gives off a
moisture resembling dew. Beauty with them consists in a bald head and
hairless body; a good crop of hair is an abomination. On the comets, as I
was told by some of their inhabitants who were there on a visit, this is
reversed. They have beards, however, just above the knee; no toe-nails,
and but one toe on each foot. They are all tailed, the tail being a large
cabbage of an evergreen kind, which does not break if they fall upon it.

Their mucus is a pungent honey; and after hard work or exercise they
sweat milk all over, which a drop or two of the honey curdles into
cheese. The oil which they make from onions is very rich, and as fragrant
as balsam. They have an abundance of water-producing vines, the stones of
which resemble hailstones; and my own belief is that it is the shaking of
these vines by hurricanes, and the consequent bursting of the grapes,
that results in our hailstorms. They use the belly as a pouch in which to
keep necessaries, being able to open and shut it. It contains no
intestines or liver, only a soft hairy lining; their young, indeed, creep
into it for protection from cold.

The clothing of the wealthy is soft glass, and of the poor, woven brass;
the land is very rich in brass, which they work like wool after steeping
it in water. It is with some hesitation that I describe their eyes, the
thing being incredible enough to bring doubt upon my veracity. But the
fact is that these organs are removable; any one can take out his eyes
and do without till he wants them; then he has merely to put them in; I
have known many cases of people losing their own and borrowing at need;
and some--the rich, naturally--keep a large stock. Their ears are plane-
leaves, except with the breed raised from acorns; theirs being of wood.

Another marvel I saw in the palace. There is a large mirror suspended
over a well of no great depth; any one going down the well can hear every
word spoken on our Earth; and if he looks at the mirror, he sees every
city and nation as plainly as though he were standing close above each.
The time I was there, I surveyed my own people and the whole of my native
country; whether they saw me also, I cannot say for certain. Any one who
doubts the truth of this statement has only to go there himself, to be
assured of my veracity.

When the time came, we took our leave of King and court, got on board,
and weighed anchor. Endymion's parting gifts to me were two glass shirts,
five of brass, and a suit of lupine armour, all of which, however, I
afterwards left in the whale's belly; he also sent, as our escort for the
first fifty miles, a thousand of his Horse-vultures.

We passed on our way many countries, and actually landed on Lucifer, now
in process of settlement, to water. We then entered the Zodiac and passed
the Sun on the left, coasting close by it. My crew were very desirous of
landing, but the wind would not allow of this. We had a good view of the
country, however, and found it covered with vegetation, rich, well-
watered, and full of all good things. The Cloud-centaurs, now in
Phaethon's pay, espied us and pounced upon the ship, but left us alone
when they learned that we were parties to the treaty.

By this time our escort had gone home. We now took a downward course, and
twenty-four hours' sailing brought us to Lampton. This lies between the
atmospheres of the Pleiads and the Hyads, though in point of altitude it
is considerably lower than the Zodiac. When we landed, we found no human
beings, but numberless lamps bustling about or spending their time in the
market-place and harbour; some were small, and might represent the lower
classes, while a few, the great and powerful, were exceedingly bright and
conspicuous. They all had their own homes or lodgings, and their
individual names, like us; we heard them speak, and they did us no harm,
offering us entertainment, on the contrary; but we were under some
apprehension, and none of us accepted either food or bed. There is a
Government House in the middle of the city, where the Governor sits all
night long calling the roll-call; any one not answering to his name is
capitally punished as a deserter; that is to say, he is extinguished. We
were present and witnessed the proceedings, and heard lamps defending
their conduct and advancing reasons for their lateness. I there
recognized our own house lamp, accosted him, and asked for news of my
friends, in which he satisfied me. We stayed there that night, set sail
next morning, and found ourselves sailing, now, nearly as low as the
clouds. Here we were surprised to find Cloud-cuckoo-land; we were
prevented from landing by the direction of the wind, but learned that the
King's name was Crookbeak, son of Fitz-Ousel. I bethought me of
Aristophanes, the learned and veracious poet whose statements had met
with unmerited incredulity. Three days more, and we had a distinct view
of the Ocean, though there was no land visible except the islands
suspended in air; and these had now assumed a brilliant fiery hue. About
noon on the fourth day the wind slackened and fell, and we were deposited
upon the sea.

The joy and delight with which the touch of water affected us is
indescribable; transported at our good fortune, we flung ourselves
overboard and swam, the weather being calm and the sea smooth. Alas, how
often is a change for the better no more than the beginning of disaster!
We had but two days' delightful sail, and by the rising sun of the third
we beheld a crowd of whales and marine monsters, and among them one far
larger than the rest--some two hundred miles in length. It came on open-
mouthed, agitating the sea far in front, bathed in foam, and exhibiting
teeth whose length much surpassed the height of our great phallic images,
all pointed like sharp stakes and white as elephants' tusks. We gave each
other a last greeting, took a last embrace, and so awaited our doom. The
monster was upon us; it sucked us in; it swallowed ship and crew entire.
We escaped being ground by its teeth, the ship gliding in through the
interstices.

Inside, all was darkness at first, in which we could distinguish nothing;
but when it next opened its mouth, an enormous cavern was revealed, of
great extent and height; a city of ten thousand inhabitants might have
had room in it. Strewn about were small fish, the _disjecta membra_
of many kinds of animal, ships' masts and anchors, human bones, and
merchandise; in the centre was land with hillocks upon it, the alluvial
deposit, I supposed, from what the whale swallowed. This was wooded with
trees of all kinds, and vegetables were growing with all the appearance
of cultivation. The coast might have measured thirty miles round. Sea-
birds, such as gulls and halcyons, nested on the trees.

We spent some time weeping, but at last got our men up and had the ship
made fast, while we rubbed wood to get a fire and prepared a meal out of
the plentiful materials around us; there were fragments of various fish,
and the water we had taken in at Lucifer was unexhausted. Upon getting up
next day, we caught glimpses, as often as the whale opened his mouth, of
land, of mountains, it might be of the sky alone, or often of islands; we
realized that he was dashing at a great rate to every part of the sea. We
grew accustomed to our condition in time, and I then took seven of my
comrades and entered the wood in search of information. I had scarcely
gone half a mile when I came upon a shrine, which its inscription showed
to have been raised to Posidon; a little further were a number of graves
with pillars upon them, and close by a spring of clear water; we also
heard a dog bark, saw some distant smoke, and conjectured that there
must be a habitation.

We accordingly pressed on, and found ourselves in presence of an old man
and a younger one, who were working hard at a plot of ground and watering
it by a channel from the spring. We stood still, divided between fear and
delight. They were standing speechless, no doubt with much the same
feelings. At length the old man spoke:--'What are you, strangers; are you
spirits of the sea, or unfortunate mortals like ourselves? As for us, we
are men, bred on land; but now we have suffered a sea change, and swim
about in this containing monster, scarce knowing how to describe our
state; reason tells us we are dead, but instinct that we live. ' This
loosed my tongue in turn. 'We too, father,' I said, 'are men, just
arrived; it is but a day or two since we were swallowed with our ship.
And now we have come forth to explore the forest; for we saw that it was
vast and dense. Methinks some heavenly guide has brought us to the sight
of you, to the knowledge that we are not prisoned all alone in this
monster. I pray you, let us know your tale, who you are and how you
entered. ' Then he said that, before he asked or answered questions, he
must give us such entertainment as he could; so saying, he brought us to
his house--a sufficient dwelling furnished with beds and what else he
might need--, and set before us green-stuff and nuts and fish, with wine
for drink. When we had eaten our fill, he asked for our story. I told him
all as it had passed, the storm, the island, the airy voyage, the war,
and so to our descent into the whale.

It was very strange, he said, and then gave us his history in return. 'I
am a Cyprian, gentlemen. I left my native land on a trading voyage with
my son here and a number of servants. We had a fine ship, with a mixed
cargo for Italy; you may have seen the wreckage in the whale's mouth. We
had a fair voyage to Sicily, but on leaving it were caught in a gale, and
carried in three days out to the Atlantic, where we fell in with the
whale and were swallowed, ship and crew; of the latter we two alone
survived.
We buried our men, built a temple to Posidon, and now live this
life, cultivating our garden, and feeding on fish and nuts. It is a great
wood, as you see, and in it are vines in plenty, from which we get
delicious wine; our spring you may have noticed; its water is of the
purest and coldest. We use leaves for bedding, keep a good fire, snare
the birds that fly in, and catch living fish by going out on the
monster's gills; it is there also that we take our bath when we are
disposed. There is moreover at no great distance a salt lake two or three
miles round, producing all sorts of fish; in this we swim and sail, in a
little boat of my building. It is now seven and twenty years since we
were swallowed.

'Our lot might have been endurable enough, but we have bad and
troublesome neighbours, unfriendly savages all. ' 'What,' said I, 'are
there other inhabitants? ' 'A great many,' he replied, 'inhospitable and
abhorrent to the sight. The western part of the wood (so to name the
caudal region) is occupied by the Stockfish tribe; they have eels' eyes
and lobster faces, are bold warriors, and eat their meat raw. Of the
sides of the cavern, the right belongs to the Tritonomendetes, who from
the waist upwards are human, and weazels below; their notions of justice
are slightly less rudimentary than the others'. The left is in possession
of the Crabhands and the Tunnyheads, two tribes in close alliance. The
central part is inhabited by the Crays and the Flounderfoots, the latter
warlike and extremely swift. As to this district near the mouth, the
East, as it were, it is in great part desert, owing to the frequent
inundations. I hold it of the Flounderfoots, paying an annual tribute of
five hundred oysters.

'Such is the land; and now it is for you to consider how we may make head
against all these tribes, and what shall be our manner of life. ' 'What
may their numbers be, all told? ' I asked. 'More than a thousand. ' 'And
how armed? ' 'They have no arms but fishbones. ' 'Why then,' I said, 'let
us fight them by all means; we are armed, and they are not; and, if we
win, we shall live secure. ' We agreed on this course, and returned to the
ship to make our preparations. The pretext for war was to be non-payment
of the tribute, which was on the point of falling due. Messengers, in
fact, shortly came to demand it, but the old man sent them about their
business with an insolent answer. The Flounderfoots and Crays were
enraged, and commenced operations with a tumultuous inroad upon
Scintharus--this was our old man's name.

Expecting this, we were awaiting the attack in full armour. We had put
five and twenty men in ambush, with directions to fall on the enemy's
rear as soon as they had passed; they executed their orders, and came on
from behind cutting them down, while the rest of us--five and twenty
also, including Scintharus and his son--met them face to face with a
spirited and resolute attack. It was risky work, but in the end we routed
and chased them to their dens. They left one hundred and seventy dead,
while we lost only our navigating officer, stabbed in the back with a
mullet rib, and one other.

We held the battlefield for the rest of that day and the night following,
and erected a trophy consisting of a dolphin's backbone upright. Next day
the news brought the other tribes out, with the Stockfish under a general
called Slimer on the right, the Tunnyheads on the left, and the Crabhands
in the centre; the Tritonomendetes stayed at home, preferring neutrality.
We did not wait to be attacked, but charged them near Posidon's temple
with loud shouts, which echoed as in a subterranean cave. Their want of
armour gave us the victory; we pursued them to the wood, and were
henceforth masters.

Soon after, they sent heralds to treat for recovery of their dead, and
for peace. But we decided to make no terms with them, and marching out
next day exterminated the whole, with the exception of the
Tritonomendetes. These too, when they saw what was going on, made a rush
for the gills, and cast themselves into the sea. We went over the
country, now clear of enemies, and occupied it from that time in
security. Our usual employments were exercise, hunting, vine-dressing,
and fruit-gathering; we were in the position of men in a vast prison from
which escape is out of the question, but within which they have luxury
and freedom of movement. This manner of life lasted for a year and eight
months.

It was on the fifth of the next month, about the second gape (the whale,
I should say, gaped regularly once an hour, and we reckoned time that
way)--about the second gape, then, a sudden shouting and tumult became
audible; it sounded like boatswains giving the time and oars beating.
Much excited, we crept right out into our monster's mouth, stood inside
the teeth, and beheld the most extraordinary spectacle I ever looked
upon--giants of a hundred yards in height rowing great islands as we do
triremes. I am aware that what I am to relate must sound improbable; but
I cannot help it. Very long islands they were, but of no great height;
the circumference of each would be about eleven miles; and its complement
of giants was some hundred and twenty. Of these some sat along each side
of the island, rowing with big cypresses, from which the branches and
leaves were not stripped; in the stern, so to speak, was a considerable
hillock, on which stood the helmsman with his hand on a brazen steering-
oar of half a mile in length; and on the deck forward were forty in
armour, the combatants; they resembled men except in their hair, which
was flaming fire, so that they could dispense with helmets. The work of
sails was done by the abundant forest on all the islands, which so caught
and held the wind that it drove them where the steersman wished; there
was a boatswain timing the stroke, and the islands jumped to it like
great galleys.

We had seen only two or three at first; but there appeared afterwards as
many as six hundred, which formed in two lines and commenced an action.
Many crashed into each other stem to stem, many were rammed and sunk,
others grappled, fought an obstinate duel, and could hardly get clear
after it. Great courage was shown by the troops on deck, who boarded and
dealt destruction, giving no quarter. Instead of grappling-irons, they
used huge captive squids, which they swung out on to the hostile island;
these grappled the wood and so held the island fast. Their missiles,
effective enough, were oysters the size of waggons, and sponges which
might cover an acre.

Aeolocentaur and Thalassopot were the names of the rival chiefs; and the
question between them was one of plunder; Thalassopot was supposed to
have driven off several herds of dolphins, the other's property; we could
hear them vociferating the charge and calling out their Kings' names.
Aeolocentaur's fleet finally won, sinking one hundred and fifty of the
enemy's islands and capturing three with their crews; the remainder
backed away, turned and fled. The victors pursued some way, but, as it
was now evening, returned to the disabled ones, secured most of the
enemy's, and recovered their own, of which as many as eighty had been
sunk. As a trophy of victory they slung one of the enemy's islands to a
stake which they planted in our whale's head. They lay moored round him
that night, attaching cables to him or anchoring hard by; they had vast
glass anchors, very strong. Next morning they sacrificed on the whale's
back, buried their dead there, and sailed off rejoicing, with something
corresponding to our paean. So ended the battle of the islands.

BOOK II

I now began to find life in the whale unendurable; I was tired to death
of it, and concentrated my thoughts on plans of escape. Our first idea
was to excavate a passage through the beast's right side, and go out
through it. We actually began boring, but gave it up when we had
penetrated half a mile without getting through. We then determined to set
fire to the forest, our object being the death of the whale, which would
remove all difficulties. We started burning from the tail end; but for a
whole week he made no sign; on the eighth and ninth days it was apparent
that he was unwell; his jaws opened only languidly, and each time closed
again very soon. On the tenth and eleventh days mortification had set in,
evidenced by a horrible stench; on the twelfth, it occurred to us, just
in time, that we must take the next occasion of the mouth's being open to
insert props between the upper and lower molars, and so prevent his
closing it; else we should be imprisoned and perish in the dead body. We
successfully used great beams for the purpose, and then got the ship
ready with all the water and provisions we could manage. Scintharus was
to navigate her. Next day the whale was dead.

We hauled the vessel up, brought her through one of the gaps, slung her
to the teeth, and so let her gently down to the water. We then ascended
the back, where we sacrificed to Posidon by the side of the trophy, and,
as there was no wind, encamped there for three days. On the fourth day we
were able to start. We found and came into contact with many corpses, the
relics of the sea-fight, and our wonder was heightened when we measured
them. For some days we enjoyed a moderate breeze, after which a violent
north wind rose, bringing hard frost; the whole sea was frozen--not
merely crusted over, but solidified to four hundred fathoms' depth; we
got out and walked about. The continuance of the wind making life
intolerable, we adopted the plan, suggested by Scintharus, of hewing an
extensive cavern in the ice, in which we stayed a month, lighting fires
and feeding on fish; we had only to dig these out. In the end, however,
provisions ran short, and we came out; the ship was frozen in, but we got
her free; we then hoisted sail, and were carried along as well as if we
had been afloat, gliding smoothly and easily over the ice. After five
days more the temperature rose, a thaw set in, and all was water again.

A stretch of five and thirty miles brought us to a small desert isle,
where we got water--of which we were now in want--, and shot two wild
bulls before we departed. These animals had their horns not on the top of
the head, but, as Momus recommended, below the eyes. Not long after this,
we entered a sea of milk, in which we observed an island, white in
colour, and full of vines. The island was one great cheese, quite firm,
as we afterwards ascertained by eating it, and three miles round. The
vines were covered with fruit, but the drink we squeezed from it was milk
instead of wine. In the centre of the island was a temple to Galatea the
Nereid, as the inscription informed us. During our stay there, the ground
itself served us for bread and meat, and the vine-milk for drink. We
learned that the queen of these regions was Tyro, daughter of Salmoneus,
on whom Posidon had conferred this dignity at her decease.

After spending five days there we started again with a gentle breeze and
a rippling sea. A few days later, when we had emerged from the milk into
blue salt water, we saw numbers of men walking on the sea; they were like
ourselves in shape and stature, with the one exception of the feet, which
were of cork; whence, no doubt, their name of Corksoles. It struck us as
curious that they did not sink in, but travelled quite comfortably clear
of the water. Some of them came up and hailed us in Greek, saying that
they were making their way to their native land of Cork. They ran
alongside for some distance, and then turned off and went their own way,
wishing us a pleasant voyage. A little further we saw several islands;
close to us on the left was Cork, our friends' destination, consisting of
a city founded on a vast round cork; at a greater distance, and a little
to the right, were five others of considerable size and high out of the
water, with great flames rising from them.

There was also a broad low one, as much as sixty miles in length,
straight in our course. As we drew near it, a marvellous air was wafted
to us, exquisitely fragrant, like the scent which Herodotus describes as
coming from Arabia Felix. Its sweetness seemed compounded of rose,
narcissus, hyacinth, lilies and violets, myrtle and bay and flowering
vine. Ravished with the perfume, and hoping for reward of our long toils,
we drew slowly near. Then were unfolded to us haven after haven, spacious
and sheltered, and crystal rivers flowing placidly to the sea. There were
meadows and groves and sweet birds, some singing on the shore, some on
the branches; the whole bathed in limpid balmy air. Sweet zephyrs just
stirred the woods with their breath, and brought whispering melody,
delicious, incessant, from the swaying branches; it was like Pan-pipes
heard in a desert place. And with it all there mingled a volume of human
sound, a sound not of tumult, but rather of revels where some flute, and
some praise the fluting, and some clap their hands commending flute or
harp.

Drawn by the spell of it we came to land, moored the ship, and left her,
in charge of Scintharus and two others. Taking our way through flowery
meadows we came upon the guardians of the peace, who bound us with rose-
garlands--their strongest fetters--and brought us to the governor. As we
went they told us this was the island called of the Blest, and its
governor the Cretan Rhadamanthus. When we reached the court, we found
there were three cases to be taken before our turn would come.

The first was that of Ajax, son of Telamon, and the question was whether
he was to be admitted to the company of Heroes; it was objected that he
had been mad and taken his own life. After long pleadings Rhadamanthus
gave his decision: he was to be put under the charge of Hippocrates the
physician of Cos for the hellebore treatment, and, when he had recovered
his wits, to be made free of the table.

The second was a matrimonial case, the parties Theseus and Menelaus, and
the issue possession of Helen. Rhadamanthus gave it in favour of
Menelaus, on the ground of the great toils and dangers the match had cost
him--added to the fact that Theseus was provided with other wives in the
Amazon queen and the daughters of Minos.

The third was a dispute for precedence between Alexander son of Philip
and Hannibal the Carthaginian; it was won by the former, who had a seat
assigned him next to Cyrus the elder.

It was now our turn. The judge asked by what right we set foot on this
holy ground while yet alive. In answer we related our story. He then had
us removed while he held a long consultation with his numerous assessors,
among whom was the Athenian Aristides the Just. He finally reached a
conclusion and gave judgement: on the charges of curiosity and travelling
we were remanded till the date of our deaths; for the present we were to
stay in the island, with admission to the Heroic society, for a fixed
term, after which we must depart. The limit he appointed for our stay was
seven months.

Our rose-chains now fell off of their own accord, we were released and
taken into the city, and to the Table of the Blest. The whole of this
city is built of gold, and the enclosing wall of emerald. It has seven
gates, each made of a single cinnamon plank. The foundations of the
houses, and all ground inside the wall, are ivory; temples are built of
beryl, and each contains an altar of one amethyst block, on which they
offer hecatombs. Round the city flows a river of the finest perfume, a
hundred royal cubits in breadth, and fifty deep, so that there is good
swimming. The baths, supplied with warm dew instead of ordinary water,
are in great crystal domes heated with cinnamon wood.

Their raiment is fine cobweb, purple in colour. They have no bodies, but
are intangible and unsubstantial--mere form without matter; but, though
incorporeal, they stand and move, think and speak; in short, each is a
naked soul, but carries about the semblance of body; one who did not
touch them would never know that what he looked at was not substantial;
they are shadows, but upright, and coloured. A man there does not grow
old, but stays at whatever age he brought with him. There is no night,
nor yet bright day; the morning twilight, just before sunrise, gives the
best idea of the light that prevails. They have also but one season,
perpetual spring, and the wind is always in the west.

The country abounds in every kind of flower, in shrubs and garden herbs.
There are twelve vintages in the year, the grapes ripening every month;
and they told us that pomegranates, apples, and other fruits were
gathered thirteen times, the trees producing twice in their month Minous.
Instead of grain, the corn develops loaves, shaped like mushrooms, at the
top of the stalks. Round the city are 365 springs of water, the same of
honey, and 500, less in volume however, of perfume. There are also seven
rivers of milk and eight of wine.

The banqueting-place is arranged outside the city in the Elysian Plain.
It is a fair lawn closed in with thick-grown trees of every kind, in the
shadow of which the guests recline, on cushions of flowers. The waiting
and handing is done by the winds, except only the filling of the wine-
cup. That is a service not required; for all round stand great trees of
pellucid crystal, whose fruit is drinking-cups of every shape and size. A
guest arriving plucks a cup or two and sets them at his place, where they
at once fill with wine. So for their drink; and instead of garlands, the
nightingales and other singing birds pick flowers with their beaks from
the meadows round, and fly over snowing the petals down and singing the
while. Nor is perfume forgotten; thick clouds draw it up from the springs
and river, and hanging overhead are gently squeezed by the winds till
they spray it down in fine dew.

During the meal there is music and song. In the latter kind, Homer's
verse is the favourite; he is himself a member of the festal company,
reclining next above Odysseus. The choirs are of boys and girls,
conducted and led by Eunomus the Locrian, Arion of Lesbos, Anacreon and
Stesichorus; this last had made his peace with Helen, and I saw him
there. When these have finished, a second choir succeeds, of swans and
swallows and nightingales; and when their turn is done, all the trees
begin to pipe, conducted by the winds.

I have still to add the most important element in their good cheer: there
are two springs hard by, called the Fountain of Laughter, and the
Fountain of Delight. They all take a draught of both these before the
banquet begins, after which the time goes merrily and sweetly.

I should now like to name the famous persons I saw. To begin with, all
the demi-gods, and the besiegers of Troy, with the exception of Ajax the
Locrian; he, they said, was undergoing punishment in the place of the
wicked. Of barbarians there were the two Cyruses, Anacharsis the
Scythian, Zamolxis the Thracian, and the Latin Numa; and then Lycurgus
the Spartan, Phocion and Tellus of Athens, and the Wise Men, but without
Periander. And I saw Socrates son of Sophroniscus in converse with Nestor
and Palamedes; clustered round him were Hyacinth the Spartan, Narcissus
of Thespiae, Hylas, and many another comely boy. With Hyacinth I
suspected that he was in love; at least he was for ever poking questions
at him. I heard that Rhadamanthus was dissatisfied with Socrates, and had
several times threatened him with expulsion, if he insisted on talking
nonsense, and would not drop his irony and enjoy himself. Plato was the
only one I missed, but I was told that he was living in his own Utopia,
working the constitution and laws which he had drawn up.

For popularity, Aristippus and Epicurus bore the palm, in virtue of their
kindliness, sociability, and good-fellowship. Aesop the Phrygian was
there, and held the office of jester. Diogenes of Sinope was much
changed; he had married Lais the courtesan, and often in his cups would
oblige the company with a dance, or other mad pranks. The Stoics were not
represented at all; they were supposed to be still climbing the steep
hill of Virtue; and as to Chrysippus himself, we were told that he was
not to set foot on the island till he had taken a fourth course of
hellebore. The Academics contemplated coming, but were taking time for
consideration; they could not yet regard it as a certainty that any such
island existed. There was probably the added difficulty that they were
not comfortable about the judgement of Rhadamanthus, having themselves
disputed the possibility of judgement. It was stated that many of them
had started to follow persons travelling to the island, but, their energy
failing, had abandoned the journey half-way and gone back.

I have mentioned the most noteworthy of the company, and add that the
most highly respected among them are, first Achilles, and second Theseus.

Before many days had passed, I accosted the poet Homer, when we were both
disengaged, and asked him, among other things, where he came from; it was
still a burning question with us, I explained. He said he was aware that
some brought him from Chios, others from Smyrna, and others again from
Colophon; the fact was, he was a Babylonian, generally known not as
Homer, but as Tigranes; but when later in life he was given as a
_homer_ or hostage to the Greeks, that name clung to him. Another of
my questions was about the so-called spurious lines; had he written them,
or not? He said they were all genuine; so I now knew what to think of the
critics Zenodotus and Aristarchus, and all their lucubrations. Having got
a categorical answer on that point, I tried him next on his reason for
starting the Iliad at the wrath of Achilles; he said he had no exquisite
reason; it had just come into his head that way. Another thing I wanted
to know was whether he had composed the Odyssey before the Iliad, as
generally believed. He said this was not so. As to his reported
blindness, I did not need to ask; he had his sight, so there was an end
of that. It became a habit of mine, whenever I saw him at leisure, to go
up and ask him things, and he answered quite readily--especially after
his acquittal; a libel suit had been brought against him by Thersites, on
the ground of the ridicule to which he is subjected in the poem; Homer
had briefed Odysseus, and been acquitted.

It was during our sojourn that Pythagoras arrived; he had undergone seven
transmigrations, lived the lives of that number of animals, and completed
his psychic travels. It was the entire right half of him that was gold.
He was at once given the franchise, but the question was still pending
whether he was to be known as Pythagoras or Euphorbus. Empedocles also
came, scorched all over and baked right through; but not all his
entreaties could gain him admittance.

The progress of time brought round the Games of the Dead. The umpires
were Achilles, holding that office for the fifth, and Theseus for the
seventh time. A full report would take too long; but I will summarize the
events. The wrestling went to Carus the Heraclid, who won the garland
from Odysseus. The boxing resulted in a tie; the pair being the Egyptian
Areus, whose grave is in Corinth, and Epeus. For mixed boxing and
wrestling they have no prize. Who won the flat race, I have forgotten. In
poetry, Homer really did much the best, but the award was for Hesiod. All
prizes were plaited wreaths of peacock feathers.

Just after the Games were over, news came that the Damned had broken
their fetters, overpowered their guard, and were on the point of invading
the island, the ringleaders being Phalaris of Agrigentum, Busiris the
Egyptian, Diomedes the Thracian, Sciron, and Pityocamptes. Rhadamanthus
at once drew up the Heroes on the beach, giving the command to Theseus,
Achilles, and Ajax Telamonius, now in his right senses. The battle was
fought, and won by the Heroes, thanks especially to Achilles. Socrates,
who was in the right wing, distinguished himself still more than in his
lifetime at Delium, standing firm and showing no sign of trepidation as
the enemy came on; he was afterwards given as a reward of valour a large
and beautiful park in the outskirts, to which he invited his friends for
conversation, naming it the Post-mortem Academy.

The defeated party were seized, re-fettered, and sent back for severer
torments. Homer added to his poems a description of this battle, and at
my departure handed me the MS. to bring back to the living world; but it
was unfortunately lost with our other property. It began with the line:

Tell now, my Muse, how fought the mighty Dead.

According to their custom after successful war, they boiled beans, held
the feast of victory, and kept high holiday. From this Pythagoras alone
held aloof, fasting and sitting far off, in sign of his abhorrence of
bean-eating.

We were in the middle of our seventh month, when an incident happened.
Scintharus's son, Cinyras, a fine figure of a man, had fallen in love
with Helen some time before, and it was obvious that she was very much
taken with the young fellow; there used to be nods and becks and takings
of wine between them at table, and they would go off by themselves for
strolls in the wood. At last love and despair inspired Cinyras with the
idea of an elopement. Helen consented, and they were to fly to one of the
neighbouring islands, Cork or Cheese Island. They had taken three of the
boldest of my crew into their confidence; Cinyras said not a word to his
father, knowing that he would put a stop to it. The plan was carried out;
under cover of night, and in my absence--I had fallen asleep at table--,
they got Helen away unobserved and rowed off as hard as they could.

About midnight Menelaus woke up, and finding his wife's place empty
raised an alarm, and got his brother to go with him to King Rhadamanthus.
Just before dawn the look-outs announced that they could make out the
boat, far out at sea. So Rhadamanthus sent fifty of the Heroes on board a
boat hollowed out of an asphodel trunk, with orders to give chase.
Pulling their best, they overtook the fugitives at noon, as they were
entering the milky sea near the Isle of Cheese; so nearly was the escape
effected. The boat was towed back with a chain of roses. Helen shed
tears, and so felt her situation as to draw a veil over her face. As to
Cinyras and his associates, Rhadamanthus interrogated them to find
whether they had more accomplices, and, being assured to the contrary,
had them whipped with mallow twigs, bound, and dismissed to the place of
the wicked.

It was further determined that we should be expelled prematurely from the
island; we were allowed only one day's grace.