I've been as foolish as a
schoolgirl
about it.
Kipling - Poems
Any one dead?
Blayne. No, but he'll die if you don't--give the hundred. Here! Here's
a peg-voucher. You can see what we've signed for, and Anthony's man will
come round tomorrow to collect it. So there will be no trouble.
Jervoise. (Signing. ) One hundred, E. M. J. There you are (feebly). It
isn't one of your jokes, is it?
Blayne. No, it really is wanted. Anthony, you were the biggest
poker-winner last week, and you've defrauded the tax-collector too long.
Sign!
Anthony. Let's see. Three fifties and a seventy-two twenty-three
twenty--say four hundred and twenty. That'll give him a month clear at
the Hills. Many thanks, you men. I'll send round the chaprassi tomorrow.
Curtiss. You must engineer his taking the stuff, and of course you
mustn't--
Anthony. Of course. It would never do. He'd weep with gratitude over his
evening drink.
Blayne. That's just what he would do, damn him. Oh! I say, Anthony, you
pretend to know everything. Have you heard about Gadsby?
Anthony. No. Divorce Court at last?
Blayne. Worse. He's engaged!
Anthony. How much? He can't be!
Blayne. He is. He's going to be married in a few weeks. Markyn told me
at the Judge's this evening. It's pukka.
Anthony. You don't say so? Holy Moses! There'll be a shine in the tents
of Kedar.
Curtiss. 'Regiment cut up rough, think you?
Anthony. 'Don't know anything about the Regiment.
Mackesy. It is bigamy, then?
Anthony. Maybe. Do you mean to say that you men have forgotten, or is
there more charity in the world than I thought?
Doone. You don't look pretty when you are trying to keep a secret. You
bloat. Explain.
Anthony. Mrs. Herriott!
Blayne. (After a long pause, to the room generally. ) It's my notion that
we are a set of fools.
Mackesy. Nonsense. That business was knocked on the head last season.
Why, young Mallard--
Anthony. Mallard was a candlestick, paraded as such. Think awhile.
Recollect last season and the talk then. Mallard or no Mallard, did
Gadsby ever talk to any other woman?
Curtiss. There's something in that. It was slightly noticeable now you
come to mention it. But she's at Naini Tal and he's at Simla.
Anthony. He had to go to Simla to look after a globe-trotter relative of
his--a person with a title. Uncle or aunt.
Blayne And there he got engaged. No law prevents a man growing tired of
a woman.
Anthony. Except that he mustn't do it till the woman is tired of him.
And the Herriott woman was not that.
Curtiss. She may be now. Two months of Naini Tal works wonders.
Doone. Curious thing how some women carry a Fate with them. There was a
Mrs. Deegie in the Central Provinces whose men invariably fell away and
got married. It became a regular proverb with us when I was down there.
I remember three men desperately devoted to her, and they all, one after
another, took wives.
Curtiss. That's odd. Now I should have thought that Mrs. Deegie's
influence would have led them to take other men's wives. It ought to
have made them afraid of the judgment of Providence.
Anthony. Mrs. Herriott will make Gadsby afraid of something more than
the judgment of Providence, I fancy.
Blayne. Supposing things are as you say, he'll be a fool to face her.
He'll sit tight at Simla.
Anthony. Shouldn't be a bit surprised if he went off to Naini to
explain. He's an unaccountable sort of man, and she's likely to be a
more than unaccountable woman.
Doone. What makes you take her character away so confidently?
Anthony. Primum tempus. Caddy was her first and a woman doesn't allow
her first man to drop away without expostulation. She justifies the
first transfer of affection to herself by swearing that it is forever
and ever. Consequently--
Blayne. Consequently, we are sitting here till past one o'clock, talking
scandal like a set of Station cats. Anthony, it's all your fault. We
were perfectly respectable till you came in. Go to bed. I'm off, Good
night all.
Curtiss. Past one! It's past two by Jove, and here's the khit coming for
the late charge. Just Heavens! One, two, three, four, five rupees to
pay for the pleasure of saying that a poor little beast of a woman is
no better than she should be. I'm ashamed of myself. Go to bed, you
slanderous villains, and if I'm sent to Beora tomorrow, be prepared to
hear I'm dead before paying my card account!
THE TENTS OF KEDAR
Only why should it be with pain at all?
Why must I 'twixt the leaves of coronal
Put any kiss of pardon on thy brow?
Why should the other women know so much,
And talk together--
Such the look and such
The smile he used to love with, then as now.
--Any Wife to any Husband.
SCENE. A Naini Tal dinner for thirty-four. Plate, wines, crockery, and
khitmatgars carefully calculated to scale of Rs. 6000 per mensem, less
Exchange. Table split lengthways by bank of flowers.
MRS. HERRIOTT. (After conversation has risen to proper pitch. ) Ah!
'Didn't see you in the crush in the drawing-room. (Sotto voce. ) Where
have you been all this while, Pip?
CAPTAIN GADSBY. (Turning from regularly ordained dinner partner and
settling hock glasses. ) Good evening. (Sotto voce. ) Not quite so loud
another time. You've no notion how your voice carries. (Aside. ) So much
for shirking the written explanation. It'll have to be a verbal one now.
Sweet prospect! How on earth am I to tell her that I am a respectable,
engaged member of society and it's all over between us?
MRS. H. I've a heavy score against you. Where were you at the Monday
Pop? Where were you on Tuesday? Where were you at the Lamonts' tennis? I
was looking everywhere.
Capt. G. For me! Oh, I was alive somewhere, I suppose. (Aside. ) It's for
Minnie's sake, but it's going to be dashed unpleasant.
Mrs. H. Have I done anything to offend you? I never meant it if I have.
I couldn't help going for a ride with the Vaynor man. It was promised a
week before you came up.
Capt. G. I didn't know--
Mrs. H. It really was.
Capt. G. Anything about it, I mean.
Mrs. H. What has upset you today? All these days? You haven't been near
me for four whole days--nearly one hundred hours. Was it kind of you,
Pip? And I've been looking forward so much to your coming.
Capt. G. Have you?
Mrs. H. You know I have!
I've been as foolish as a schoolgirl about it.
I made a little calendar and put it in my card-case, and every time the
twelve o'clock gun went off I scratched out a square and said: "That
brings me nearer to Pip. My Pip! "
Capt. G. (With an uneasy laugh). What will Mackler think if you neglect
him so?
Mrs. H. And it hasn't brought you nearer. You seem farther away than
ever. Are you sulking about something? I know your temper.
Capt. G. No.
Mrs. H. Have I grown old in the last few months, then? (Reaches forward
to bank of flowers for menu-card. )
PARTNER ON LEFT. Allow me. (Hands menu-card. Mrs. H. keeps her arm at
full stretch for three seconds. )
Mrs. H. (To partner. ) Oh, thanks. I didn't see. (Turns right again. ) Is
anything in me changed at all?
Capt. G. For Goodness's sake go on with your dinner! You must eat
something. Try one of those cutlet arrangements. (Aside. ) And I fancied
she had good shoulders, once upon a time! What an ass a man can make of
himself!
Mrs. H. (Helping herself to a paper frill, seven peas, some stamped
carrots and a spoonful of gravy. ) That isn't an answer. Tell me whether
I have done anything.
Capt. G. (Aside. ) If it isn't ended here there will be a ghastly scene
some-where else. If only I'd written to her and stood the racket at long
range! (To Khitmatgar. ) Han! Simpkin do. (Aloud. ) I'll tell you later
on.
Mrs. H. Tell me now. It must be some foolish misunderstanding, and you
know that there was to be nothing of that sort between us. We, of all
people in the world, can't afford it. Is it the Vaynor man, and don't
you like to say so? On my honor--
Capt. G. I haven't given the Vaynor man a thought.
Mrs. H. But how d'you know that I haven't?
Capt. G. (Aside. ) Here's my chance and may the Devil help me through
with it. (Aloud and measuredly. ) Believe me, I do not care how often or
how tenderly you think of the Vaynor man.
Mrs. H. I wonder if you mean that! Oh, what is the good of squabbling
and pretending to misunderstand when you are only up for so short a
time? Pip, don't be a stupid!
Follows a pause, during which he crosses his left leg over his right and
continues his dinner.
Capt. G. (In answer to the thunderstorm in her eyes. ) Corns--my worst.
Mrs. H. Upon my word, you are the very rudest man in the world! I'll
never do it again.
Capt. G. (Aside. ) No, I don't think you will; but I wonder what you will
do before it's all over. (To Khitmatgar. ) Thorah ur Simpkin do.
Mrs. H. Well! Haven't you the grace to apologize, bad man?
Capt. G. (Aside. ) I mustn't let it drift back now. Trust a woman for
being as blind as a bat when she won't see.
Mrs. H. I'm waiting; or would you like me to dictate a form of apology?
Capt. G. (Desperately. ) By all means dictate.
Mrs. H. (Lightly. ) Very well. Rehearse your several Christian names
after me and go on: "Profess my sincere repentance. "
Capt. G. "Sincere repentance. "
Mrs. H. "For having behaved"--
Capt. G. (Aside. ) At last! I wish to Goodness she'd look away. "For
having behaved"--as I have behaved, and declare that I am thoroughly and
heartily sick of the whole business, and take this opportunity of
making clear my intention of ending it, now, henceforward, and forever.
(Aside. ) If any one had told me I should be such a blackguard! --
Mrs. H. (Shaking a spoonful of potato chips into her plate. ) That's not
a pretty joke.
Capt. G. No. It's a reality. (Aside. ) I wonder if smashes of this kind
are always so raw.
Mrs. H. Really, Pip, you're getting more absurd every day.
Capt. G. I don't think you quite understand me. Shall I repeat it?
Mrs. H. No! For pity's sake don't do that. It's too terrible, even in
fur.
Capt. G. I'll let her think it over for a while. But I ought to be
horsewhipped.
Mrs. H. I want to know what you meant by what you said just now.
Capt. G. Exactly what I said. No less.
Mrs. H. But what have I done to deserve it? What have I done?
Capt. G. (Aside. ) If she only wouldn't look at me. (Aloud and very
slowly, his eyes on his plate. ) D'you remember that evening in July,
before the Rains broke, when you said that the end would have to come
sooner or later--and you wondered for which of US it would come first?
Mrs. H. Yes! I was only joking. And you swore that, as long as there was
breath in your body, it should never come. And I believed you.
Capt. G. (Fingering menu-card. ) Well, it has. That's all.
A long pause, during which Mrs. H. bows her head and rolls the
bread-twist into little pellets; G. stares at the oleanders.
Mrs. H. (Throwing back her head and laughing naturally. ) They train us
women well, don't they, Pip?
Capt. G. (Brutally, touching shirt-stud. ) So far as the expression goes.
(Aside. ) It isn't in her nature to take things quietly. There'll be an
explosion yet.
Mrs. H. (With a shudder. ) Thank you.
Blayne. No, but he'll die if you don't--give the hundred. Here! Here's
a peg-voucher. You can see what we've signed for, and Anthony's man will
come round tomorrow to collect it. So there will be no trouble.
Jervoise. (Signing. ) One hundred, E. M. J. There you are (feebly). It
isn't one of your jokes, is it?
Blayne. No, it really is wanted. Anthony, you were the biggest
poker-winner last week, and you've defrauded the tax-collector too long.
Sign!
Anthony. Let's see. Three fifties and a seventy-two twenty-three
twenty--say four hundred and twenty. That'll give him a month clear at
the Hills. Many thanks, you men. I'll send round the chaprassi tomorrow.
Curtiss. You must engineer his taking the stuff, and of course you
mustn't--
Anthony. Of course. It would never do. He'd weep with gratitude over his
evening drink.
Blayne. That's just what he would do, damn him. Oh! I say, Anthony, you
pretend to know everything. Have you heard about Gadsby?
Anthony. No. Divorce Court at last?
Blayne. Worse. He's engaged!
Anthony. How much? He can't be!
Blayne. He is. He's going to be married in a few weeks. Markyn told me
at the Judge's this evening. It's pukka.
Anthony. You don't say so? Holy Moses! There'll be a shine in the tents
of Kedar.
Curtiss. 'Regiment cut up rough, think you?
Anthony. 'Don't know anything about the Regiment.
Mackesy. It is bigamy, then?
Anthony. Maybe. Do you mean to say that you men have forgotten, or is
there more charity in the world than I thought?
Doone. You don't look pretty when you are trying to keep a secret. You
bloat. Explain.
Anthony. Mrs. Herriott!
Blayne. (After a long pause, to the room generally. ) It's my notion that
we are a set of fools.
Mackesy. Nonsense. That business was knocked on the head last season.
Why, young Mallard--
Anthony. Mallard was a candlestick, paraded as such. Think awhile.
Recollect last season and the talk then. Mallard or no Mallard, did
Gadsby ever talk to any other woman?
Curtiss. There's something in that. It was slightly noticeable now you
come to mention it. But she's at Naini Tal and he's at Simla.
Anthony. He had to go to Simla to look after a globe-trotter relative of
his--a person with a title. Uncle or aunt.
Blayne And there he got engaged. No law prevents a man growing tired of
a woman.
Anthony. Except that he mustn't do it till the woman is tired of him.
And the Herriott woman was not that.
Curtiss. She may be now. Two months of Naini Tal works wonders.
Doone. Curious thing how some women carry a Fate with them. There was a
Mrs. Deegie in the Central Provinces whose men invariably fell away and
got married. It became a regular proverb with us when I was down there.
I remember three men desperately devoted to her, and they all, one after
another, took wives.
Curtiss. That's odd. Now I should have thought that Mrs. Deegie's
influence would have led them to take other men's wives. It ought to
have made them afraid of the judgment of Providence.
Anthony. Mrs. Herriott will make Gadsby afraid of something more than
the judgment of Providence, I fancy.
Blayne. Supposing things are as you say, he'll be a fool to face her.
He'll sit tight at Simla.
Anthony. Shouldn't be a bit surprised if he went off to Naini to
explain. He's an unaccountable sort of man, and she's likely to be a
more than unaccountable woman.
Doone. What makes you take her character away so confidently?
Anthony. Primum tempus. Caddy was her first and a woman doesn't allow
her first man to drop away without expostulation. She justifies the
first transfer of affection to herself by swearing that it is forever
and ever. Consequently--
Blayne. Consequently, we are sitting here till past one o'clock, talking
scandal like a set of Station cats. Anthony, it's all your fault. We
were perfectly respectable till you came in. Go to bed. I'm off, Good
night all.
Curtiss. Past one! It's past two by Jove, and here's the khit coming for
the late charge. Just Heavens! One, two, three, four, five rupees to
pay for the pleasure of saying that a poor little beast of a woman is
no better than she should be. I'm ashamed of myself. Go to bed, you
slanderous villains, and if I'm sent to Beora tomorrow, be prepared to
hear I'm dead before paying my card account!
THE TENTS OF KEDAR
Only why should it be with pain at all?
Why must I 'twixt the leaves of coronal
Put any kiss of pardon on thy brow?
Why should the other women know so much,
And talk together--
Such the look and such
The smile he used to love with, then as now.
--Any Wife to any Husband.
SCENE. A Naini Tal dinner for thirty-four. Plate, wines, crockery, and
khitmatgars carefully calculated to scale of Rs. 6000 per mensem, less
Exchange. Table split lengthways by bank of flowers.
MRS. HERRIOTT. (After conversation has risen to proper pitch. ) Ah!
'Didn't see you in the crush in the drawing-room. (Sotto voce. ) Where
have you been all this while, Pip?
CAPTAIN GADSBY. (Turning from regularly ordained dinner partner and
settling hock glasses. ) Good evening. (Sotto voce. ) Not quite so loud
another time. You've no notion how your voice carries. (Aside. ) So much
for shirking the written explanation. It'll have to be a verbal one now.
Sweet prospect! How on earth am I to tell her that I am a respectable,
engaged member of society and it's all over between us?
MRS. H. I've a heavy score against you. Where were you at the Monday
Pop? Where were you on Tuesday? Where were you at the Lamonts' tennis? I
was looking everywhere.
Capt. G. For me! Oh, I was alive somewhere, I suppose. (Aside. ) It's for
Minnie's sake, but it's going to be dashed unpleasant.
Mrs. H. Have I done anything to offend you? I never meant it if I have.
I couldn't help going for a ride with the Vaynor man. It was promised a
week before you came up.
Capt. G. I didn't know--
Mrs. H. It really was.
Capt. G. Anything about it, I mean.
Mrs. H. What has upset you today? All these days? You haven't been near
me for four whole days--nearly one hundred hours. Was it kind of you,
Pip? And I've been looking forward so much to your coming.
Capt. G. Have you?
Mrs. H. You know I have!
I've been as foolish as a schoolgirl about it.
I made a little calendar and put it in my card-case, and every time the
twelve o'clock gun went off I scratched out a square and said: "That
brings me nearer to Pip. My Pip! "
Capt. G. (With an uneasy laugh). What will Mackler think if you neglect
him so?
Mrs. H. And it hasn't brought you nearer. You seem farther away than
ever. Are you sulking about something? I know your temper.
Capt. G. No.
Mrs. H. Have I grown old in the last few months, then? (Reaches forward
to bank of flowers for menu-card. )
PARTNER ON LEFT. Allow me. (Hands menu-card. Mrs. H. keeps her arm at
full stretch for three seconds. )
Mrs. H. (To partner. ) Oh, thanks. I didn't see. (Turns right again. ) Is
anything in me changed at all?
Capt. G. For Goodness's sake go on with your dinner! You must eat
something. Try one of those cutlet arrangements. (Aside. ) And I fancied
she had good shoulders, once upon a time! What an ass a man can make of
himself!
Mrs. H. (Helping herself to a paper frill, seven peas, some stamped
carrots and a spoonful of gravy. ) That isn't an answer. Tell me whether
I have done anything.
Capt. G. (Aside. ) If it isn't ended here there will be a ghastly scene
some-where else. If only I'd written to her and stood the racket at long
range! (To Khitmatgar. ) Han! Simpkin do. (Aloud. ) I'll tell you later
on.
Mrs. H. Tell me now. It must be some foolish misunderstanding, and you
know that there was to be nothing of that sort between us. We, of all
people in the world, can't afford it. Is it the Vaynor man, and don't
you like to say so? On my honor--
Capt. G. I haven't given the Vaynor man a thought.
Mrs. H. But how d'you know that I haven't?
Capt. G. (Aside. ) Here's my chance and may the Devil help me through
with it. (Aloud and measuredly. ) Believe me, I do not care how often or
how tenderly you think of the Vaynor man.
Mrs. H. I wonder if you mean that! Oh, what is the good of squabbling
and pretending to misunderstand when you are only up for so short a
time? Pip, don't be a stupid!
Follows a pause, during which he crosses his left leg over his right and
continues his dinner.
Capt. G. (In answer to the thunderstorm in her eyes. ) Corns--my worst.
Mrs. H. Upon my word, you are the very rudest man in the world! I'll
never do it again.
Capt. G. (Aside. ) No, I don't think you will; but I wonder what you will
do before it's all over. (To Khitmatgar. ) Thorah ur Simpkin do.
Mrs. H. Well! Haven't you the grace to apologize, bad man?
Capt. G. (Aside. ) I mustn't let it drift back now. Trust a woman for
being as blind as a bat when she won't see.
Mrs. H. I'm waiting; or would you like me to dictate a form of apology?
Capt. G. (Desperately. ) By all means dictate.
Mrs. H. (Lightly. ) Very well. Rehearse your several Christian names
after me and go on: "Profess my sincere repentance. "
Capt. G. "Sincere repentance. "
Mrs. H. "For having behaved"--
Capt. G. (Aside. ) At last! I wish to Goodness she'd look away. "For
having behaved"--as I have behaved, and declare that I am thoroughly and
heartily sick of the whole business, and take this opportunity of
making clear my intention of ending it, now, henceforward, and forever.
(Aside. ) If any one had told me I should be such a blackguard! --
Mrs. H. (Shaking a spoonful of potato chips into her plate. ) That's not
a pretty joke.
Capt. G. No. It's a reality. (Aside. ) I wonder if smashes of this kind
are always so raw.
Mrs. H. Really, Pip, you're getting more absurd every day.
Capt. G. I don't think you quite understand me. Shall I repeat it?
Mrs. H. No! For pity's sake don't do that. It's too terrible, even in
fur.
Capt. G. I'll let her think it over for a while. But I ought to be
horsewhipped.
Mrs. H. I want to know what you meant by what you said just now.
Capt. G. Exactly what I said. No less.
Mrs. H. But what have I done to deserve it? What have I done?
Capt. G. (Aside. ) If she only wouldn't look at me. (Aloud and very
slowly, his eyes on his plate. ) D'you remember that evening in July,
before the Rains broke, when you said that the end would have to come
sooner or later--and you wondered for which of US it would come first?
Mrs. H. Yes! I was only joking. And you swore that, as long as there was
breath in your body, it should never come. And I believed you.
Capt. G. (Fingering menu-card. ) Well, it has. That's all.
A long pause, during which Mrs. H. bows her head and rolls the
bread-twist into little pellets; G. stares at the oleanders.
Mrs. H. (Throwing back her head and laughing naturally. ) They train us
women well, don't they, Pip?
Capt. G. (Brutally, touching shirt-stud. ) So far as the expression goes.
(Aside. ) It isn't in her nature to take things quietly. There'll be an
explosion yet.
Mrs. H. (With a shudder. ) Thank you.
