No More Learning

While I had been away from home lately, Traddles had called twice or
thrice. Finding Peggotty within, and being informed by Peggotty (who
always volunteered that information to whomsoever would receive
it), that she was my old nurse, he had established a good-humoured
acquaintance with her, and had stayed to have a little chat with her
about me. So Peggotty said; but I am afraid the chat was all on her
own side, and of immoderate length, as she was very difficult indeed to
stop, God bless her! when she had me for her theme.

This reminds me, not only that I expected Traddles on a certain
afternoon of his own appointing, which was now come, but that Mrs. Crupp
had resigned everything appertaining to her office (the salary excepted)
until Peggotty should cease to present herself. Mrs. Crupp, after
holding divers conversations respecting Peggotty, in a very high-pitched
voice, on the staircase--with some invisible Familiar it would appear,
for corporeally speaking she was quite alone at those times--addressed a
letter to me, developing her views. Beginning it with that statement
of universal application, which fitted every occurrence of her life,
namely, that she was a mother herself, she went on to inform me that
she had once seen very different days, but that at all periods of her
existence she had had a constitutional objection to spies, intruders,
and informers. She named no names, she said; let them the cap fitted,
wear it; but spies, intruders, and informers, especially in widders'
weeds (this clause was underlined), she had ever accustomed herself to
look down upon. If a gentleman was the victim of spies, intruders, and
informers (but still naming no names), that was his own pleasure. He
had a right to please himself; so let him do. All that she, Mrs. Crupp,
stipulated for, was, that she should not be 'brought in contract'
with such persons. Therefore she begged to be excused from any further
attendance on the top set, until things were as they formerly was, and
as they could be wished to be; and further mentioned that her little
book would be found upon the breakfast-table every Saturday morning,
when she requested an immediate settlement of the same, with the
benevolent view of saving trouble 'and an ill-conwenience' to all
parties.

After this, Mrs. Crupp confined herself to making pitfalls on the
stairs, principally with pitchers, and endeavouring to delude Peggotty
into breaking her legs. I found it rather harassing to live in this
state of siege, but was too much afraid of Mrs. Crupp to see any way out
of it.

'My dear Copperfield,' cried Traddles, punctually appearing at my door,
in spite of all these obstacles, 'how do you do? '

'My dear Traddles,' said I, 'I am delighted to see you at last, and very
sorry I have not been at home before. But I have been so much engaged--'

'Yes, yes, I know,' said Traddles, 'of course. Yours lives in London, I
think. '

'What did you say? '

'She--excuse me--Miss D. , you know,' said Traddles, colouring in his
great delicacy, 'lives in London, I believe? '

'Oh yes. Near London. '

'Mine, perhaps you recollect,' said Traddles, with a serious look,
'lives down in Devonshire--one of ten. Consequently, I am not so much
engaged as you--in that sense. '

'I wonder you can bear,' I returned, 'to see her so seldom. '

'Hah! ' said Traddles, thoughtfully. 'It does seem a wonder. I suppose it
is, Copperfield, because there is no help for it? '

'I suppose so,' I replied with a smile, and not without a blush. 'And
because you have so much constancy and patience, Traddles. '

'Dear me! ' said Traddles, considering about it, 'do I strike you in that
way, Copperfield? Really I didn't know that I had. But she is such
an extraordinarily dear girl herself, that it's possible she may
have imparted something of those virtues to me. Now you mention it,
Copperfield, I shouldn't wonder at all. I assure you she is always
forgetting herself, and taking care of the other nine. '

'Is she the eldest? ' I inquired.

'Oh dear, no,' said Traddles. 'The eldest is a Beauty. '

He saw, I suppose, that I could not help smiling at the simplicity of
this reply; and added, with a smile upon his own ingenuous face:

'Not, of course, but that my Sophy--pretty name, Copperfield, I always
think? '

'Very pretty! ' said I.

'Not, of course, but that Sophy is beautiful too in my eyes, and would
be one of the dearest girls that ever was, in anybody's eyes (I should
think). But when I say the eldest is a Beauty, I mean she really is
a--' he seemed to be describing clouds about himself, with both hands:
'Splendid, you know,' said Traddles, energetically. 'Indeed! ' said I.

'Oh, I assure you,' said Traddles, 'something very uncommon, indeed!
Then, you know, being formed for society and admiration, and not being
able to enjoy much of it in consequence of their limited means, she
naturally gets a little irritable and exacting, sometimes. Sophy puts
her in good humour! '

'Is Sophy the youngest? ' I hazarded.

'Oh dear, no! ' said Traddles, stroking his chin. 'The two youngest are
only nine and ten. Sophy educates 'em. '

'The second daughter, perhaps? ' I hazarded.

'No,' said Traddles. 'Sarah's the second. Sarah has something the matter
with her spine, poor girl. The malady will wear out by and by, the
doctors say, but in the meantime she has to lie down for a twelvemonth.
Sophy nurses her. Sophy's the fourth. '

'Is the mother living? ' I inquired.

'Oh yes,' said Traddles, 'she is alive. She is a very superior woman
indeed, but the damp country is not adapted to her constitution, and--in
fact, she has lost the use of her limbs. '

'Dear me! ' said I.

'Very sad, is it not? ' returned Traddles. 'But in a merely domestic view
it is not so bad as it might be, because Sophy takes her place. She is
quite as much a mother to her mother, as she is to the other nine. '

I felt the greatest admiration for the virtues of this young lady; and,
honestly with the view of doing my best to prevent the good-nature
of Traddles from being imposed upon, to the detriment of their joint
prospects in life, inquired how Mr. Micawber was?

'He is quite well, Copperfield, thank you,' said Traddles. 'I am not
living with him at present. '

'No? '

'No. You see the truth is,' said Traddles, in a whisper, 'he had changed
his name to Mortimer, in consequence of his temporary embarrassments;
and he don't come out till after dark--and then in spectacles. There was
an execution put into our house, for rent. Mrs. Micawber was in such
a dreadful state that I really couldn't resist giving my name to that
second bill we spoke of here. You may imagine how delightful it was to
my feelings, Copperfield, to see the matter settled with it, and Mrs.
Micawber recover her spirits. '

'Hum! ' said I. 'Not that her happiness was of long duration,' pursued
Traddles, 'for, unfortunately, within a week another execution came
in. It broke up the establishment. I have been living in a furnished
apartment since then, and the Mortimers have been very private indeed.
I hope you won't think it selfish, Copperfield, if I mention that
the broker carried off my little round table with the marble top, and
Sophy's flower-pot and stand? '

'What a hard thing! ' I exclaimed indignantly.

'It was a--it was a pull,' said Traddles, with his usual wince at that
expression. 'I don't mention it reproachfully, however, but with a
motive. The fact is, Copperfield, I was unable to repurchase them at the
time of their seizure; in the first place, because the broker, having an
idea that I wanted them, ran the price up to an extravagant extent; and,
in the second place, because I--hadn't any money. Now, I have kept
my eye since, upon the broker's shop,' said Traddles, with a great
enjoyment of his mystery, 'which is up at the top of Tottenham Court
Road, and, at last, today I find them put out for sale. I have only
noticed them from over the way, because if the broker saw me, bless you,
he'd ask any price for them! What has occurred to me, having now the
money, is, that perhaps you wouldn't object to ask that good nurse of
yours to come with me to the shop--I can show it her from round the
corner of the next street--and make the best bargain for them, as if
they were for herself, that she can! '

The delight with which Traddles propounded this plan to me, and the
sense he had of its uncommon artfulness, are among the freshest things
in my remembrance.

I told him that my old nurse would be delighted to assist him, and that
we would all three take the field together, but on one condition. That
condition was, that he should make a solemn resolution to grant no more
loans of his name, or anything else, to Mr. Micawber.

'My dear Copperfield,' said Traddles, 'I have already done so, because
I begin to feel that I have not only been inconsiderate, but that I have
been positively unjust to Sophy. My word being passed to myself, there
is no longer any apprehension; but I pledge it to you, too, with the
greatest readiness. That first unlucky obligation, I have paid. I have
no doubt Mr. Micawber would have paid it if he could, but he could not.
One thing I ought to mention, which I like very much in Mr. Micawber,
Copperfield. It refers to the second obligation, which is not yet due.
He don't tell me that it is provided for, but he says it WILL BE. Now, I
think there is something very fair and honest about that! '

I was unwilling to damp my good friend's confidence, and therefore
assented. After a little further conversation, we went round to the
chandler's shop, to enlist Peggotty; Traddles declining to pass the
evening with me, both because he endured the liveliest apprehensions
that his property would be bought by somebody else before he could
re-purchase it, and because it was the evening he always devoted to
writing to the dearest girl in the world.

I never shall forget him peeping round the corner of the street in
Tottenham Court Road, while Peggotty was bargaining for the precious
articles; or his agitation when she came slowly towards us after vainly
offering a price, and was hailed by the relenting broker, and went back
again. The end of the negotiation was, that she bought the property on
tolerably easy terms, and Traddles was transported with pleasure.

'I am very much obliged to you, indeed,' said Traddles, on hearing it
was to be sent to where he lived, that night. 'If I might ask one other
favour, I hope you would not think it absurd, Copperfield? '

I said beforehand, certainly not.

'Then if you WOULD be good enough,' said Traddles to Peggotty, 'to
get the flower-pot now, I think I should like (it being Sophy's,
Copperfield) to carry it home myself! '

Peggotty was glad to get it for him, and he overwhelmed her with thanks,
and went his way up Tottenham Court Road, carrying the flower-pot
affectionately in his arms, with one of the most delighted expressions
of countenance I ever saw.

We then turned back towards my chambers. As the shops had charms for
Peggotty which I never knew them possess in the same degree for anybody
else, I sauntered easily along, amused by her staring in at the windows,
and waiting for her as often as she chose. We were thus a good while in
getting to the Adelphi.

On our way upstairs, I called her attention to the sudden disappearance
of Mrs. Crupp's pitfalls, and also to the prints of recent footsteps. We
were both very much surprised, coming higher up, to find my outer door
standing open (which I had shut) and to hear voices inside.

We looked at one another, without knowing what to make of this, and went
into the sitting-room. What was my amazement to find, of all people upon
earth, my aunt there, and Mr. Dick! My aunt sitting on a quantity of
luggage, with her two birds before her, and her cat on her knee, like a
female Robinson Crusoe, drinking tea. Mr. Dick leaning thoughtfully on
a great kite, such as we had often been out together to fly, with more
luggage piled about him!

'My dear aunt! ' cried I. 'Why, what an unexpected pleasure! '

We cordially embraced; and Mr. Dick and I cordially shook hands; and
Mrs. Crupp, who was busy making tea, and could not be too attentive,
cordially said she had knowed well as Mr. Copperfull would have his
heart in his mouth, when he see his dear relations.

'Holloa! ' said my aunt to Peggotty, who quailed before her awful
presence. 'How are YOU? '

'You remember my aunt, Peggotty? ' said I.

'For the love of goodness, child,' exclaimed my aunt, 'don't call the
woman by that South Sea Island name! If she married and got rid of
it, which was the best thing she could do, why don't you give her the
benefit of the change? What's your name now,--P? ' said my aunt, as a
compromise for the obnoxious appellation.

'Barkis, ma'am,' said Peggotty, with a curtsey.

'Well! That's human,' said my aunt. 'It sounds less as if you wanted a
missionary. How d'ye do, Barkis? I hope you're well? '

Encouraged by these gracious words, and by my aunt's extending her
hand, Barkis came forward, and took the hand, and curtseyed her
acknowledgements.

'We are older than we were, I see,' said my aunt. 'We have only met each
other once before, you know. A nice business we made of it then! Trot,
my dear, another cup. '

I handed it dutifully to my aunt, who was in her usual inflexible state
of figure; and ventured a remonstrance with her on the subject of her
sitting on a box.

'Let me draw the sofa here, or the easy-chair, aunt,' said I. 'Why
should you be so uncomfortable? '

'Thank you, Trot,' replied my aunt, 'I prefer to sit upon my property. '
Here my aunt looked hard at Mrs. Crupp, and observed, 'We needn't
trouble you to wait, ma'am. '

'Shall I put a little more tea in the pot afore I go, ma'am? ' said Mrs.
Crupp.

'No, I thank you, ma'am,' replied my aunt.

'Would you let me fetch another pat of butter, ma'am? ' said Mrs. Crupp.
'Or would you be persuaded to try a new-laid hegg? or should I brile
a rasher? Ain't there nothing I could do for your dear aunt, Mr.
Copperfull? '

'Nothing, ma'am,' returned my aunt. 'I shall do very well, I thank you. '

Mrs. Crupp, who had been incessantly smiling to express sweet temper,
and incessantly holding her head on one side, to express a general
feebleness of constitution, and incessantly rubbing her hands, to
express a desire to be of service to all deserving objects, gradually
smiled herself, one-sided herself, and rubbed herself, out of the room.
'Dick! ' said my aunt. 'You know what I told you about time-servers and
wealth-worshippers? '

Mr. Dick--with rather a scared look, as if he had forgotten it--returned
a hasty answer in the affirmative.

'Mrs. Crupp is one of them,' said my aunt. 'Barkis, I'll trouble you to
look after the tea, and let me have another cup, for I don't fancy that
woman's pouring-out! '

I knew my aunt sufficiently well to know that she had something of
importance on her mind, and that there was far more matter in this
arrival than a stranger might have supposed. I noticed how her eye
lighted on me, when she thought my attention otherwise occupied; and
what a curious process of hesitation appeared to be going on within
her, while she preserved her outward stiffness and composure.
I began
to reflect whether I had done anything to offend her; and my conscience
whispered me that I had not yet told her about Dora. Could it by any
means be that, I wondered!

As I knew she would only speak in her own good time, I sat down near
her, and spoke to the birds, and played with the cat, and was as easy
as I could be. But I was very far from being really easy; and I should
still have been so, even if Mr. Dick, leaning over the great kite behind
my aunt, had not taken every secret opportunity of shaking his head
darkly at me, and pointing at her.

'Trot,' said my aunt at last, when she had finished her tea, and
carefully smoothed down her dress, and wiped her lips--'you needn't go,
Barkis! --Trot, have you got to be firm and self-reliant? '

'I hope so, aunt. '

'What do you think? ' inquired Miss Betsey.

'I think so, aunt. '

'Then why, my love,' said my aunt, looking earnestly at me, 'why do you
think I prefer to sit upon this property of mine tonight? '

I shook my head, unable to guess.

'Because,' said my aunt, 'it's all I have. Because I'm ruined, my dear! '

If the house, and every one of us, had tumbled out into the river
together, I could hardly have received a greater shock.

'Dick knows it,' said my aunt, laying her hand calmly on my shoulder. 'I
am ruined, my dear Trot! All I have in the world is in this room, except
the cottage; and that I have left Janet to let. Barkis, I want to get a
bed for this gentleman tonight. To save expense, perhaps you can make
up something here for myself. Anything will do. It's only for tonight.
We'll talk about this, more, tomorrow. '

I was roused from my amazement, and concern for her--I am sure, for
her--by her falling on my neck, for a moment, and crying that she only
grieved for me. In another moment she suppressed this emotion; and said
with an aspect more triumphant than dejected:

'We must meet reverses boldly, and not suffer them to frighten us, my
dear. We must learn to act the play out. We must live misfortune down,
Trot! '



CHAPTER 35. DEPRESSION


As soon as I could recover my presence of mind, which quite deserted me
in the first overpowering shock of my aunt's intelligence, I proposed
to Mr. Dick to come round to the chandler's shop, and take possession of
the bed which Mr. Peggotty had lately vacated. The chandler's shop being
in Hungerford Market, and Hungerford Market being a very different place
in those days, there was a low wooden colonnade before the door (not
very unlike that before the house where the little man and woman used
to live, in the old weather-glass), which pleased Mr. Dick mightily. The
glory of lodging over this structure would have compensated him, I dare
say, for many inconveniences; but, as there were really few to bear,
beyond the compound of flavours I have already mentioned, and perhaps
the want of a little more elbow-room, he was perfectly charmed with his
accommodation. Mrs. Crupp had indignantly assured him that there wasn't
room to swing a cat there; but, as Mr. Dick justly observed to me,
sitting down on the foot of the bed, nursing his leg, 'You know,
Trotwood, I don't want to swing a cat. I never do swing a cat.
Therefore, what does that signify to ME! '

I tried to ascertain whether Mr. Dick had any understanding of the
causes of this sudden and great change in my aunt's affairs. As I might
have expected, he had none at all. The only account he could give of it
was, that my aunt had said to him, the day before yesterday, 'Now, Dick,
are you really and truly the philosopher I take you for? ' That then
he had said, Yes, he hoped so. That then my aunt had said, 'Dick, I
am ruined. ' That then he had said, 'Oh, indeed! ' That then my aunt had
praised him highly, which he was glad of. And that then they had come to
me, and had had bottled porter and sandwiches on the road.

Mr. Dick was so very complacent, sitting on the foot of the bed, nursing
his leg, and telling me this, with his eyes wide open and a surprised
smile, that I am sorry to say I was provoked into explaining to him
that ruin meant distress, want, and starvation; but I was soon bitterly
reproved for this harshness, by seeing his face turn pale, and tears
course down his lengthened cheeks, while he fixed upon me a look of such
unutterable woe, that it might have softened a far harder heart than
mine. I took infinitely greater pains to cheer him up again than I had
taken to depress him; and I soon understood (as I ought to have known at
first) that he had been so confident, merely because of his faith in
the wisest and most wonderful of women, and his unbounded reliance on my
intellectual resources. The latter, I believe, he considered a match for
any kind of disaster not absolutely mortal.

'What can we do, Trotwood? ' said Mr. Dick. 'There's the Memorial-'

'To be sure there is,' said I. 'But all we can do just now, Mr. Dick,
is to keep a cheerful countenance, and not let my aunt see that we are
thinking about it. '

He assented to this in the most earnest manner; and implored me, if I
should see him wandering an inch out of the right course, to recall him
by some of those superior methods which were always at my command. But I
regret to state that the fright I had given him proved too much for his
best attempts at concealment. All the evening his eyes wandered to my
aunt's face, with an expression of the most dismal apprehension, as if
he saw her growing thin on the spot. He was conscious of this, and put
a constraint upon his head; but his keeping that immovable, and sitting
rolling his eyes like a piece of machinery, did not mend the matter at
all. I saw him look at the loaf at supper (which happened to be a small
one), as if nothing else stood between us and famine; and when my aunt
insisted on his making his customary repast, I detected him in the act
of pocketing fragments of his bread and cheese; I have no doubt for the
purpose of reviving us with those savings, when we should have reached
an advanced stage of attenuation.

My aunt, on the other hand, was in a composed frame of mind, which was
a lesson to all of us--to me, I am sure. She was extremely gracious
to Peggotty, except when I inadvertently called her by that name; and,
strange as I knew she felt in London, appeared quite at home. She was
to have my bed, and I was to lie in the sitting-room, to keep guard over
her. She made a great point of being so near the river, in case of a
conflagration; and I suppose really did find some satisfaction in that
circumstance.

'Trot, my dear,' said my aunt, when she saw me making preparations for
compounding her usual night-draught, 'No! '

'Nothing, aunt? '

'Not wine, my dear. Ale. '

'But there is wine here, aunt. And you always have it made of wine. '

'Keep that, in case of sickness,' said my aunt. 'We mustn't use it
carelessly, Trot. Ale for me. Half a pint. '

I thought Mr. Dick would have fallen, insensible. My aunt being
resolute, I went out and got the ale myself. As it was growing late,
Peggotty and Mr. Dick took that opportunity of repairing to the
chandler's shop together. I parted from him, poor fellow, at the corner
of the street, with his great kite at his back, a very monument of human
misery.

My aunt was walking up and down the room when I returned, crimping the
borders of her nightcap with her fingers. I warmed the ale and made the
toast on the usual infallible principles. When it was ready for her, she
was ready for it, with her nightcap on, and the skirt of her gown turned
back on her knees.

'My dear,' said my aunt, after taking a spoonful of it; 'it's a great
deal better than wine. Not half so bilious. '

I suppose I looked doubtful, for she added:

'Tut, tut, child. If nothing worse than Ale happens to us, we are well
off. '

'I should think so myself, aunt, I am sure,' said I.

'Well, then, why DON'T you think so? ' said my aunt.

'Because you and I are very different people,' I returned.

'Stuff and nonsense, Trot! ' replied my aunt.

My aunt went on with a quiet enjoyment, in which there was very little
affectation, if any; drinking the warm ale with a tea-spoon, and soaking
her strips of toast in it.

'Trot,' said she, 'I don't care for strange faces in general, but I
rather like that Barkis of yours, do you know! '

'It's better than a hundred pounds to hear you say so! ' said I.

'It's a most extraordinary world,' observed my aunt, rubbing her nose;
'how that woman ever got into it with that name, is unaccountable to me.
It would be much more easy to be born a Jackson, or something of that
sort, one would think. '

'Perhaps she thinks so, too; it's not her fault,' said I.

'I suppose not,' returned my aunt, rather grudging the admission; 'but
it's very aggravating. However, she's Barkis now. That's some comfort.
Barkis is uncommonly fond of you, Trot. '

'There is nothing she would leave undone to prove it,' said I.

'Nothing, I believe,' returned my aunt. 'Here, the poor fool has been
begging and praying about handing over some of her money--because she
has got too much of it. A simpleton! '

My aunt's tears of pleasure were positively trickling down into the warm
ale.

'She's the most ridiculous creature that ever was born,' said my aunt.
'I knew, from the first moment when I saw her with that poor dear
blessed baby of a mother of yours, that she was the most ridiculous of
mortals. But there are good points in Barkis! '

Affecting to laugh, she got an opportunity of putting her hand to
her eyes. Having availed herself of it, she resumed her toast and her
discourse together.

'Ah! Mercy upon us! ' sighed my aunt. 'I know all about it, Trot! Barkis
and myself had quite a gossip while you were out with Dick. I know all
about it. I don't know where these wretched girls expect to go to, for
my part. I wonder they don't knock out their brains against--against
mantelpieces,' said my aunt; an idea which was probably suggested to her
by her contemplation of mine.

'Poor Emily! ' said I.

'Oh, don't talk to me about poor,' returned my aunt. 'She should have
thought of that, before she caused so much misery! Give me a kiss, Trot.
I am sorry for your early experience. '

As I bent forward, she put her tumbler on my knee to detain me, and
said:

'Oh, Trot, Trot! And so you fancy yourself in love! Do you? '

'Fancy, aunt! ' I exclaimed, as red as I could be. 'I adore her with my
whole soul! '

'Dora, indeed! ' returned my aunt. 'And you mean to say the little thing
is very fascinating, I suppose? '

'My dear aunt,' I replied, 'no one can form the least idea what she is! '

'Ah! And not silly? ' said my aunt.

'Silly, aunt! '

I seriously believe it had never once entered my head for a single
moment, to consider whether she was or not. I resented the idea, of
course; but I was in a manner struck by it, as a new one altogether.

'Not light-headed? ' said my aunt.

'Light-headed, aunt! ' I could only repeat this daring speculation
with the same kind of feeling with which I had repeated the preceding
question.

'Well, well! ' said my aunt. 'I only ask. I don't depreciate her. Poor
little couple! And so you think you were formed for one another, and are
to go through a party-supper-table kind of life, like two pretty pieces
of confectionery, do you, Trot? '

She asked me this so kindly, and with such a gentle air, half playful
and half sorrowful, that I was quite touched.

'We are young and inexperienced, aunt, I know,' I replied; 'and I dare
say we say and think a good deal that is rather foolish. But we love
one another truly, I am sure. If I thought Dora could ever love anybody
else, or cease to love me; or that I could ever love anybody else, or
cease to love her; I don't know what I should do--go out of my mind, I
think! '

'Ah, Trot! ' said my aunt, shaking her head, and smiling gravely; 'blind,
blind, blind! '

'Someone that I know, Trot,' my aunt pursued, after a pause, 'though of
a very pliant disposition, has an earnestness of affection in him that
reminds me of poor Baby. Earnestness is what that Somebody must look
for, to sustain him and improve him, Trot. Deep, downright, faithful
earnestness. '

'If you only knew the earnestness of Dora, aunt! ' I cried.

'Oh, Trot! ' she said again; 'blind, blind! ' and without knowing why,
I felt a vague unhappy loss or want of something overshadow me like a
cloud.

'However,' said my aunt, 'I don't want to put two young creatures out
of conceit with themselves, or to make them unhappy; so, though it is a
girl and boy attachment, and girl and boy attachments very often--mind!
I don't say always! --come to nothing, still we'll be serious about it,
and hope for a prosperous issue one of these days. There's time enough
for it to come to anything! '

This was not upon the whole very comforting to a rapturous lover; but
I was glad to have my aunt in my confidence, and I was mindful of
her being fatigued. So I thanked her ardently for this mark of her
affection, and for all her other kindnesses towards me; and after a
tender good night, she took her nightcap into my bedroom.

How miserable I was, when I lay down! How I thought and thought about my
being poor, in Mr. Spenlow's eyes; about my not being what I thought I
was, when I proposed to Dora; about the chivalrous necessity of
telling Dora what my worldly condition was, and releasing her from her
engagement if she thought fit; about how I should contrive to live,
during the long term of my articles, when I was earning nothing; about
doing something to assist my aunt, and seeing no way of doing anything;
about coming down to have no money in my pocket, and to wear a shabby
coat, and to be able to carry Dora no little presents, and to ride no
gallant greys, and to show myself in no agreeable light! Sordid and
selfish as I knew it was, and as I tortured myself by knowing that it
was, to let my mind run on my own distress so much, I was so devoted
to Dora that I could not help it. I knew that it was base in me not to
think more of my aunt, and less of myself; but, so far, selfishness
was inseparable from Dora, and I could not put Dora on one side for any
mortal creature. How exceedingly miserable I was, that night!

As to sleep, I had dreams of poverty in all sorts of shapes, but I
seemed to dream without the previous ceremony of going to sleep. Now I
was ragged, wanting to sell Dora matches, six bundles for a halfpenny;
now I was at the office in a nightgown and boots, remonstrated with by
Mr. Spenlow on appearing before the clients in that airy attire; now
I was hungrily picking up the crumbs that fell from old Tiffey's
daily biscuit, regularly eaten when St. Paul's struck one; now I was
hopelessly endeavouring to get a licence to marry Dora, having nothing
but one of Uriah Heep's gloves to offer in exchange, which the whole
Commons rejected; and still, more or less conscious of my own room, I
was always tossing about like a distressed ship in a sea of bed-clothes.

My aunt was restless, too, for I frequently heard her walking to and
fro. Two or three times in the course of the night, attired in a long
flannel wrapper in which she looked seven feet high, she appeared, like
a disturbed ghost, in my room, and came to the side of the sofa on which
I lay. On the first occasion I started up in alarm, to learn that she
inferred from a particular light in the sky, that Westminster Abbey
was on fire; and to be consulted in reference to the probability of its
igniting Buckingham Street, in case the wind changed. Lying still, after
that, I found that she sat down near me, whispering to herself 'Poor
boy! ' And then it made me twenty times more wretched, to know how
unselfishly mindful she was of me, and how selfishly mindful I was of
myself.

It was difficult to believe that a night so long to me, could be short
to anybody else. This consideration set me thinking and thinking of an
imaginary party where people were dancing the hours away, until that
became a dream too, and I heard the music incessantly playing one tune,
and saw Dora incessantly dancing one dance, without taking the least
notice of me. The man who had been playing the harp all night, was
trying in vain to cover it with an ordinary-sized nightcap, when I
awoke; or I should rather say, when I left off trying to go to sleep,
and saw the sun shining in through the window at last.

There was an old Roman bath in those days at the bottom of one of the
streets out of the Strand--it may be there still--in which I have had
many a cold plunge. Dressing myself as quietly as I could, and leaving
Peggotty to look after my aunt, I tumbled head foremost into it,
and then went for a walk to Hampstead. I had a hope that this brisk
treatment might freshen my wits a little; and I think it did them good,
for I soon came to the conclusion that the first step I ought to take
was, to try if my articles could be cancelled and the premium recovered.
I got some breakfast on the Heath, and walked back to Doctors' Commons,
along the watered roads and through a pleasant smell of summer flowers,
growing in gardens and carried into town on hucksters' heads, intent on
this first effort to meet our altered circumstances.

I arrived at the office so soon, after all, that I had half an hour's
loitering about the Commons, before old Tiffey, who was always first,
appeared with his key.