How a
stranger
would laugh, if he saw you.
Aristophanes
XANTHIAS. The best is to go on, for 'tis here that the horrible monsters
are, Heracles told us of.
DIONYSUS. Ah! the wag! He spun yarns to frighten me, but I am a brave
fellow and he is jealous of me. There exists no greater braggart than
Heracles. Ah! I wish I might meet some monster, so as to distinguish
myself by some deed of daring worthy of my daring journey.
XANTHIAS. Ah! hark! I hear a noise.
DIONYSUS (_all of a tremble_). Where then, where?
XANTHIAS. Behind you.
DIONYSUS. Place yourself behind me.
XANTHIAS. Ah! 'tis in front now.
DIONYSUS. Then pass to the front.
XANTHIAS. Oh! what a monster I can see!
DIONYSUS. What's it like?
XANTHIAS. Dreadful, terrible! it assumes every shape; now 'tis a bull,
then a mule; again it is a most beautiful woman.
DIONYSUS. Where is she that I may run toward her?
XANTHIAS. The monster is no longer a woman; 'tis now a dog.
DIONYSUS. Then it is the Empusa. [418]
XANTHIAS. Its whole face is ablaze.
DIONYSUS. And it has a brazen leg?
XANTHIAS. Aye, i' faith! and the other is an ass's leg,[419] rest well
assured of that.
DIONYSUS. Where shall I fly to?
XANTHIAS. And I?
DIONYSUS. Priest,[420] save me, that I may drink with you.
XANTHIAS. Oh! mighty Heracles! we are dead men.
DIONYSUS. Silence! I adjure you. Don't utter that name.
XANTHIAS. Well then, we are dead men, Dionysus!
DIONYSUS. That still less than the other.
XANTHIAS. Keep straight on, master, here, here, this way.
DIONYSUS. Well?
XANTHIAS. Be at ease, all goes well and we can say with Hegelochus,
"After the storm, I see the return of the _cat_. "[421] The Empusa has
gone.
DIONYSUS. Swear it to me.
XANTHIAS. By Zeus!
DIONYSUS. Swear it again.
XANTHIAS. By Zeus!
DIONYSUS. Once more.
XANTHIAS. By Zeus!
DIONYSUS. Oh! my god! how white I went at the sight of the Empusa! But
yonder fellow got red instead, so horribly afraid was he! [422] Alas! to
whom do I owe this terrible meeting? What god shall I accuse of having
sought my death? Might it be "the Aether, the dwelling of Zeus," or "the
wing of Time"? [423]
XANTHIAS. Hist!
DIONYSUS. What's the matter?
XANTHIAS. Don't you hear?
DIONYSUS. What then?
XANTHIAS. The sound of flutes.
DIONYSUS. Aye, certainly, and the wind wafts a smell of torches hither,
which bespeaks the Mysteries a league away. But make no noise; let us
hide ourselves and listen.
CHORUS. [424] Iacchus, oh! Iacchus! Iacchus, oh! Iacchus!
XANTHIAS. Master, these are the initiates, of whom Heracles spoke and who
are here at their sports; they are incessantly singing of Iacchus, just
like Diagoras. [425]
DIONYSUS. I believe you are right, but 'tis best to keep ourselves quiet
till we get better information.
CHORUS. Iacchus, venerated god, hasten at our call. Iacchus, oh! Iacchus!
come into this meadow, thy favourite resting-place; come to direct the
sacred choirs of the Initiate; may a thick crown of fruit-laden myrtle
branches rest on thy head and may thy bold foot step this free and joyful
dance, taught us by the Graces--this pure, religious measure, that our
sacred choirs rehearse.
XANTHIAS. Oh! thou daughter of Demeter, both mighty and revered, what a
delicious odour of pork!
DIONYSUS. Cannot you keep still then, fellow, once you get a whiff of a
bit of tripe?
CHORUS. Brandish the flaming torches and so revive their brilliancy.
Iacchus, oh! Iacchus! bright luminary of our nocturnal Mysteries. The
meadow sparkles with a thousand fires; the aged shake off the weight of
cares and years; they have once more found limbs of steel, wherewith to
take part in thy sacred measures; and do thou, blessed deity, lead the
dances of youth upon this dewy carpet of flowers with a torch in thine
hand.
Silence, make way for our choirs, you profane and impure souls, who have
neither been present at the festivals of the noble Muses, nor ever footed
a dance in their honour, and who are not initiated into the mysterious
language of the dithyrambs of the voracious Cratinus;[426] away from here
he who applauds misplaced buffoonery. Away from here the bad citizen, who
for his private ends fans and nurses the flame of sedition, the chief who
sells himself, when his country is weathering the storms, and surrenders
either fortresses or ships; who, like Thorycion,[427] the wretched
collector of tolls, sends prohibited goods from Aegina to Epidaurus, such
as oar-leathers, sailcloth and pitch, and who secures a subsidy for a
hostile fleet,[428] or soils the statues of Hecate,[429] while he is
humming some dithyramb. Away from here, the orator who nibbles at the
salary of the poets, because he has been scouted in the ancient
solemnities of Dionysus; to all such I say, and I repeat, and I say it
again for the third time, "Make way for the choruses of the Initiate. "
But you, raise you your voice anew; resume your nocturnal hymns as it is
meet to do at this festival.
Let each one advance boldly into the retreats of our flowery meads, let
him mingle in our dances, let him give vent to jesting, to wit and to
satire. Enough of junketing, lead forward! let our voices praise the
divine protectress[430] with ardent love, yea! praise her, who promises
to assure the welfare of this country for ever, in spite of Thorycion.
Let our hymns now be addressed to Demeter, the Queen of Harvest, the
goddess crowned with ears of corn; to her be dedicated the strains of our
divine concerts. Oh! Demeter, who presidest over the pure mysteries, help
us and protect thy choruses; far from all danger, may I continually yield
myself to sports and dancing, mingle laughter with seriousness, as is
fitting at thy festivals, and as the reward for my biting sarcasms may I
wreathe my head with the triumphal fillets. And now let our songs summon
hither the lovable goddess, who so often joins in our dances.
Oh, venerated Dionysus, who hast created such soft melodies for this
festival, come to accompany us to the goddess, show that you can traverse
a long journey without wearying. [431] Dionysus, the king of the dance,
guide my steps. 'Tis thou who, to raise a laugh and for the sake of
economy,[432] hast torn our sandals and our garments; let us bound, let
us dance at our pleasure, for we have nothing to spoil. Dionysus, king of
the dance, guide my steps. Just now I saw through a corner of my eye a
ravishing young girl, the companion of our sports; I saw the nipple of
her bosom peeping through a rent in her tunic. Dionysus, king of the
dance, guide my steps.
DIONYSUS. Aye, I like to mingle with these choruses; I would fain dance
and sport with that young girl.
XANTHIAS. And I too.
CHORUS. Would you like us to mock together at Archidemus? He is still
awaiting his seven-year teeth to have himself entered as a citizen;[433]
but he is none the less a chief of the people among the Athenians and the
greatest rascal of 'em all. I am told that Clisthenes is tearing the hair
out of his rump and lacerating his cheeks on the tomb of Sebinus, the
Anaphlystian;[434] with his forehead against the ground, he is beating
his bosom and groaning and calling him by name. As for Callias,[435] the
illustrious son of Hippobinus, the new Heracles, he is fighting a
terrible battle of love on his galleys; dressed up in a lion's skin, he
fights a fierce naval battle--with the girls' cunts.
DIONYSUS. Could you tell us where Pluto dwells? We are strangers and have
just arrived.
CHORUS. Go no farther, and know without further question that you are at
his gates.
DIONYSUS. Slave, pick up your baggage.
XANTHIAS. This wretched baggage, 'tis like Corinth, the daughter of Zeus,
for it's always in his mouth. [436]
CHORUS. And now do ye, who take part in this religious festival, dance a
gladsome round in the flowery grove in honour of the goddess. [437]
DIONYSUS. As for myself, I will go with the young girls and the women
into the enclosure, where the nocturnal ceremonies are held; 'tis I will
bear the sacred torch.
CHORUS. Let us go into the meadows, that are sprinkled with roses, to
form, according to our rites, the graceful choirs, over which the blessed
Fates preside. 'Tis for us alone that the sun doth shine; his glorious
rays illumine the Initiate, who have led the pious life, that is equally
dear to strangers and citizens.
DIONYSUS. Come now! how should we knock at this door? How do the dwellers
in these parts knock?
XANTHIAS. Lose no time and attack the door with vigour, if you have the
courage of Heracles as well as his costume.
DIONYSUS. Ho! there! Slave!
AEACUS. Who's there?
DIONYSUS. Heracles, the bold.
AEACUS. Ah! wretched, impudent, shameless, threefold rascal, the most
rascally of rascals. Ah! 'tis you who hunted out our dog Cerberus, whose
keeper I was! But I have got you to-day; and the black stones of Styx,
the rocks of Acheron, from which the blood is dripping, and the roaming
dogs of Cocytus shall account to me for you; the hundred-headed Hydra
shall tear your sides to pieces; the Tartessian Muraena[438] shall fasten
itself on your lungs and the Tithrasian[439] Gorgons shall tear your
kidneys and your gory entrails to shreds; I will go and fetch them as
quickly as possible.
XANTHIAS. Eh! what are you doing there?
DIONYSUS (_stooping down_). I have just shit myself! Invoke the god. [440]
XANTHIAS. Get up at once.
How a stranger would laugh, if he saw you.
DIONYSUS. Ah! I'm fainting. Place a sponge on my heart.
XANTHIAS. Here, take it.
DIONYSUS. Place it yourself.
XANTHIAS. But where? Good gods, where _is_ your heart?
DIONYSUS. It has sunk into my shoes with fear. (_Takes his slave's hand
holding the sponge, and applies it to his bottom. _)
XANTHIAS. Oh! you most cowardly of gods and men!
DIONYSUS. What! I cowardly? I, who have asked you for a sponge! 'Tis what
no one else would have done.
XANTHIAS. How so?
DIONYSUS. A poltroon would have fallen backwards, being overcome with the
fumes; as for me, I got up and moreover I wiped myself clean.
XANTHIAS. Ah! by Posidon! a wonderful feat of intrepidity!
DIONYSUS. Aye, certainly. And you did not tremble at the sound of his
threatening words?
XANTHIAS. They never troubled me.
DIONYSUS. Well then, since you are so brave and fearless, become what I
am, take this bludgeon and this lion's hide, you, whose heart has no
knowledge of fear; I, in return, will carry the baggage.
XANTHIAS. Here, take it, take it quick! 'this my duty to obey you, and
behold, Heracles-Xanthias! Do I look like a coward of your kidney?
DIONYSUS. No. You are the exact image of the god of Melite,[441] dressed
up as a rascal. Come, I will take the baggage.
FEMALE ATTENDANT OF PERSEPHONE. Ah! is it you then, beloved Heracles?
Come in. As soon as ever the goddess, my mistress Persephone, knew of
your arrival, she quickly had the bread into the oven and clapped two or
three pots of bruised peas upon the fire; she has had a whole bullock
roasted and both cakes and rolled backed. Come in quick!
XANTHIAS. No, thank you.
ATTENDANT. Oh! by Apollo! I shall not let you off. She has also had
poultry boiled for you, sweetmeats makes, and has prepared you some
delicious wine. Come then, enter with me.
XANTHIAS. I am much obliged.
ATTENDANT. Are you mad? I will not let you go. There is likewise and
enchanted flute-girl specially for you, and two or three dancing wenches.
XANTHIAS. What do you say? Dancing wenches?
ATTENDANT. In the prime of their life and all freshly depilated. Come,
enter, for the cook was going to take the fish off the fire and the table
was being spread.
XANTHIAS. Very well then! Run in quickly and tell the dancing-girls I am
coming. Slave! pick up the baggage and follow me.
DIONYSUS. Not so fast! Oh! indeed! I disguise you as Heracles for a joke
and you take the thing seriously! None of your nonsense, Xanthias! Take
back the baggage.
XANTHIAS. What? You are not thinking of taking back what you gave me
yourself?
DIONYSUS. No, I don't think about it; I do it. Off with that skin!
XANTHIAS. Witness how i am treated, ye great dogs, and be my judges!
DIONYSUS. What gods? Are you so stupid, such a fool? How can you, a slave
and a mortal, be the son of Alcmena?
XANTHIAS. Come then! 'tis well! take them. But perhaps you will be
needing me one day, an it please the gods.
CHORUS. 'Tis the act of a wise and sensible man, who has done much
sailing, always to trim his sail towards the quarter whence the fair wind
wafts, rather than stand stiff and motionless like a god Terminus. [442]
To change your part to serve your own interest is to act like a clever
man, a true Theramenes. [443]
DIONYSUS. Faith! 'twould be funny indeed if Xanthias, a slave, were
indolently stretched out on purple cushions and fucking the dancing-girl;
if he were then to ask me for a pot, while I, looking on, would be
rubbing my tool, and this master rogue, on seeing it, were to know out my
front teeth with a blow of his fist.
FIRST INKEEPER'S WIFE. Here! Plathane, Plathane! do come! here is the
rascal who once came into our shop and ate up sixteen loaves for us.
SECOND INKEEPER'S WIFE. Aye, truly, 'tis he himself!
XANTHIAS. This is turning out rough for somebody.
FIRST WIFE. And besides that, twenty pieces of boiled meat at half an
obolus apiece.
XANTHIAS. There's someone going to get punished.
FIRST WIFE. And I don't know how many cloves of garlic.
DIONYSUS. You are rambling, my dear, you don't know what you are saying.
FIRST WIFE. Hah! you thought I should not know you, because of your
buskins! And then all the salt fish, I had forgotten that!
SECOND WIFE. And then, alas! the fresh cheese that he devoured, osier
baskets and all! Ten, when I asked for my money, he started to roar and
shoot terrible looks at me.
XANTHIAS. As! I recognize him well by that token; 'tis just his way.
SECOND WIFE. And he drew out his sword like a madman.
FIRST WIFE. By the gods, yes.
SECOND WIFE. Terrified to death, we clambered up to the upper storey, and
he fled at top speed, carrying off our baskets with him.
XANTHIAS. Ah! this is again his style! But you ought to take action.
FIRST WIFE. Run quick and call Cleon, my patron.
SECOND WIFE. And you, should you run against Hyperbolus,[444] bring him
to me; we will knock the life out of our robber.
FIRST WIFE. Oh! you miserable glutton! how I should delight in breaking
those grinders of yours, which devoured my goods!
SECOND WIFE. And I in hurling you into the malefactor's pit.
FIRST WIFE. And I in slitting with one stroke of the sickle that gullet
that bolted down the tripe. But I am going to fetch Cleon; he shall
summon you before the court this very day and force you to disgorge.
DIONYSUS. May I die, if Xanthias is not my dearest friend.
XANTHIAS. Can I be the son of Alcmena, I, a slave and a mortal?
DIONYSUS. I know, I know, that you are in a fury and you have the right
to be; you can even beat me and I will not reply. But if I ever take this
costume from you again, may I die of the most fearful torture--I, my
wife, my children, all those who belong to me, down to the very last, and
blear-eyed Archidemus[445] into the bargain.
XANTHIAS. I accept your oath, and on those terms I agree.
CHORUS. 'Tis now your cue, since you have resumed the dress, to act the
brave and to throw terror into your glance, thus recalling the god whom
you represent. But if you play your part badly, if you yield to any
weakness, you will again have to load your shoulders with the baggage.
XANTHIAS. Friends, your advice is good, but I was thinking the same
myself; if there is any good to be got, my master will again want to
despoil me of this costume, of that I am quite certain. Ne'ertheless, I
am going to show a fearless heart and shoot forth ferocious looks. And
lo! the time for it has come, for I hear a noise at the door.
AEACUS (_to his slaves_). Bind me this dog-thief,[446] that he may be
punished. Hurry yourselves, hurry!
DIONYSUS. This is going to turn out badly for someone.
XANTHIAS. Look to yourselves and don't come near me.
AEACUS. Hah! you would show fight! Ditylas, Sceblyas, Pardocas,[447] come
here and have at him!
DIONYSUS. Ah! you would strike him because he has stolen!
XANTHIAS. 'Tis horrible!
DIONYSUS. 'Tis a revolting cruelty!
XANTHIAS. By Zeus! may I die, if I ever came here or stole from you the
value of a pin! But I will act nobly; take this slave, put him to the
question, and if you obtain the proof of my guilt, put me to death.
AEACUS. In what manner shall I put him to the question?
XANTHIAS. In every manner; you may lash him to the wooden horse, hang
him, cut him open with scourging, flay him, twist his limbs, pour vinegar
down his nostrils, load him with bricks, anything you like; only don't
beat him with leeks or fresh garlic.
