No More Learning

Devise some ingenious method to secure the much-needed
salvation of Athens; but let neither your acts nor your words recall
anything of the past, for 'tis only innovations that please. Don't delay
the realization of your plans, for speedy execution is greatly esteemed
by the public.

PRAXAGORA. I believe my ideas are good, but what I fear is, that the
public will cling to the old customs and refuse to accept my reforms.

BLEPYRUS. Have no fear about that. Love of novelty and disdain for the
past, these are the dominating principles among us.

PRAXAGORA. Let none contradict nor interrupt me until I have explained my
plan. I want all to have a share of everything and all property to be in
common; there will no longer be either rich or poor; no longer shall we
see one man harvesting vast tracts of land, while another has not ground
enough to be buried in, nor one man surround himself with a whole army of
slaves, while another has not a single attendant; I intend that there
shall only be one and the same condition of life for all.

BLEPYRUS. But how do you mean for all?

PRAXAGORA. Go and eat your excrements! [696]

BLEPYRUS. Come, share and share alike!

PRAXAGORA. No, no, but you shall not interrupt me. This is what I was
going to say: I shall begin by making land, money, everything that is
private property, common to all. Then we shall live on this common
wealth, which we shall take care to administer with wise thrift.

BLEPYRUS. And how about the man who has no land, but only gold and silver
coins, that cannot be seen?

PRAXAGORA. He must bring them to the common stock, and if he fails he
will be a perjured man.

BLEPYRUS. That won't worry him much, for has he not gained them by
perjury?

PRAXAGORA. But his riches will no longer be of any use to him.

BLEPYRUS. Why?

PRAXAGORA. The poor will no longer be obliged to work; each will have all
that he needs, bread, salt fish, cakes, tunics, wine, chaplets and
chick-pease; of what advantage will it be to him not to contribute his
share to the common wealth? What do you think of it?

BLEPYRUS. But is it not the folk who rob most that have all these things?

PRAXAGORA. Yes, formerly, under the old order of things; but now that all
goods are in common, what will he gain by not bringing his wealth into
the general stock?

BLEPYRUS. If someone saw a pretty wench and wished to satisfy his fancy
for her, he would take some of his reserve store to make her a present
and stay the night with her; this would not prevent him claiming his
share of the common property.

PRAXAGORA. But he can sleep with her for nothing; I intend that women
shall belong to all men in common, and each shall beget children by any
man that wishes to have her.

BLEPYRUS. But all will go to the prettiest woman and beseech her to go
with him.

PRAXAGORA. The ugliest and the most flat-nosed will be side by side with
the most charming, and to win the latter's favours, a man will first have
to get into the former.

BLEPYRUS. But we old men, shall we have penis enough if we have to
satisfy the ugly first?

PRAXAGORA. They will make no resistance.

BLEPYRUS. To what?

PRAXAGORA. Never fear; they will make no resistance.

BLEPYRUS. Resistance to what?

PRAXAGORA. To the pleasure of the thing. 'Tis thus that matters will be
ordered for you.

BLEPYRUS. 'Tis right well conceived for you women, for every wench's hole
will be occupied; but as regards us poor men, you will leave those who
are ugly to run after the handsome fellows.

PRAXAGORA. The ugly will follow the handsomest into the public places
after supper and see to it that the law, which forbids the women to sleep
with the big, handsome men before having satisfied the ugly shrimps, is
complied with.

BLEPYRUS. Thus ugly Lysicrates' nose will be as proud as the handsomest
face?

PRAXAGORA. Yes, by Apollo! this is a truly popular decree, and what a
set-back 'twill be for one of those elegants with their fingers loaded
with rings, when a man with heavy shoes says to him, "Give way to me and
wait till I have done; you will pass in after me. "

BLEPYRUS. But if we live in this fashion, how will each one know his
children?

PRAXAGORA. The youngest will look upon the oldest as their fathers.

BLEPYRUS. Ah! how heartily they will strangle all the old men, since even
now, when each one knows his father, they make no bones about strangling
him! then, my word! won't they just scorn and shit upon the old folks!

PRAXAGORA. But those around will prevent it. Hitherto, when anyone saw an
old man beaten, he would not meddle, because it did not concern him; but
now each will fear the sufferer may be his own father and such violence
will be stopped.

BLEPYRUS. What you say is not so silly after all; but 'twould be highly
unpleasant were Epicurus and Leucolophas to come up and call me father.

PRAXAGORA. But 'twould be far worse, were . . .

BLEPYRUS. Were what?

PRAXAGORA. . . . Aristyllus to embrace you and style you his father.

BLEPYRUS. Ah! let him look to himself if he dares!

PRAXAGORA. For you would smell vilely of mint if he kissed you. But he
was born before the decree was carried, so that you have not to fear his
kiss.

BLEPYRUS. 'Twould be awful. But who will do the work?

PRAXAGORA. The slaves. Your only cares will be to scent yourself, and to
go and dine, when the shadow of the gnomon is ten feet long on the dial.

BLEPYRUS. But how shall we obtain clothing? Tell me that!

PRAXAGORA. You will first wear out those you have, and then we women will
weave you others.

BLEPYRUS. Now another point: if the magistrates condemn a citizen to the
payment of a fine, how is he going to do it? Out of the public funds?
That would not be right surely.

PRAXAGORA. But there will be no more lawsuits.

BLEPYRUS. What a disaster for many people!

PRAXAGORA. I have decreed it. Besides, friend, why should there be
lawsuits?

BLEPYRUS. Oh! for a thousand reasons, on my faith! Firstly, because a
debtor denies his obligation.

PRAXAGORA. But where will the lender get the money to lend, if all is in
common? unless he steals it out of the treasury?

BLEPYRUS. That's true, by Demeter! But then again, tell me this; here are
some men who are returning from a feast and are drunk and they strike
some passer-by; how are they going to pay the fine? Ah! you are puzzled
now!

PRAXAGORA. They will have to take it out of their pittance; and being
thus punished through their belly, they will not care to begin again.

BLEPYRUS. There will be no more thieves then, eh?

PRAXAGORA. Why steal, if you have a share of everything?

BLEPYRUS. People will not be robbed any more at night?

PRAXAGORA. No, whether you sleep at home or in the street, there will be
no more danger, for all will have the means of living. Besides, if anyone
wanted to steal your cloak, you would give it him yourself. Why not? You
will only have to go to the common store and be given a better one.

BLEPYRUS. There will be no more playing at dice?

PRAXAGORA. What object will there be in playing?

BLEPYRUS. But what kind of life is it you propose to set up?

PRAXAGORA. The life in common. Athens will become nothing more than a
single house, in which everything will belong to everyone; so that
everybody will be able to go from one house to the other at pleasure.

BLEPYRUS. And where will the meals be served?

PRAXAGORA. The law-courts and the porticoes will be turned into
dining-halls.

BLEPYRUS. And what will the speaker's platform be used for?

PRAXAGORA. I shall place the bowls and the ewers there; and young
children will sing the glory of the brave from there, also the infamy of
cowards, who out of very shame will no longer dare to come to the public
meals.

BLEPYRUS. Well thought of, by Apollo! And what will you do with the urns?

PRAXAGORA. I shall have them taken to the market-place, and standing
close to the statue of Harmodius,[697] I shall draw a lot for each
citizen, which by its letter will show the place where he must go to
dine. [698] Thus, those for whom I have drawn a Beta, will go to the royal
portico;[699] if 'tis a Theta, they will go to the portico of
Theseus;[700] if 'tis a Kappa, to that of the flour-market. [701]

BLEPYRUS. To cram[702] himself there like a capon?

PRAXAGORA. No, to dine there.

BLEPYRUS. And the citizen whom the lot has not given a letter showing
where he is to dine will be driven off by everyone?

PRAXAGORA. But that will not occur. Each man will have plenty; he will
not leave the feast until he is well drunk, and then with a chaplet on
his head and a torch in his hand; and then the women running to meet you
in the cross-roads will say, "This way, come to our house, you will find
a beautiful young girl there. "--"And I," another will call from her
balcony, "have one so pretty and as white as milk; but before touching
her, you must sleep with me. " And the ugly men, watching closely after
the handsome fellows, will say, "Hi! friend, where are you running to? Go
in, but you must do nothing, for 'tis the ugly and the flat-nosed to whom
the law gives the first right of admission; amuse yourself in the porch
while you wait, in handling your fig-leaves and playing with your tool. "
Well, tell me, does that picture suit you?

BLEPYRUS. Marvellously well.

PRAXAGORA. I must now go to the market-place to receive the property that
is going to be placed in common and to choose a woman with a loud voice
as my herald. I have all the cares of State on my shoulders, since the
power has been entrusted to me. I must likewise go to busy myself about
establishing the common meals, and you will attend your first banquet
to-day.

BLEPYRUS. Are we going to banquet?

PRAXAGORA. Why, undoubtedly! Furthermore, I propose abolishing the
courtesans.

BLEPYRUS. And what for?

PRAXAGORA. 'Tis clear enough why; so that, instead of them, _we_ may have
the first-fruits of the young men. It is not meet that tricked-out slaves
should rob free-born women of their pleasures. Let the courtesans be free
to sleep with the slaves and to depilate their privates for them.

BLEPYRUS.
I will march at your side, so that I may be seen and that
everyone may say, "Admire our leader's husband! " [_Exeunt Blepyrus and
Praxagora. _

[_The Chorus which followed this scene is lost. _]

FIRST CITIZEN. Come, let us collect and examine all my belongings before
taking them to the market-place. Come hither, my beautiful sieve, I have
nothing more precious than you, come, all clotted with the flour of which
I have poured so many sacks through you; you shall act the part of
Canephoros[703] in the procession of my chattels. Where is the sunshade
carrier? [704] Ah! this stew-pot shall take his place. Great gods, how
black it is! it could not be more so if Lysicrates[705] had boiled the
drugs in it with which he dyes his hair. Hither, my beautiful mirror. And
you, my tripod, bear this urn for me; you shall be the waterbearer;[706]
and you, cock, whose morning song has so often roused me in the middle of
the night to send me hurrying to the Assembly, you shall be my
flute-girl. Scaphephoros,[707] do you take the large basin, place in it
the honeycombs and twine the olive-branches over them, bring the tripods
and the phial of perfume; as for the humble crowd of little pots, I will
just leave them behind.

SECOND CITIZEN. What folly to carry one's goods to the common store; I
have a little more sense than that. No, no, by Posidon, I want first to
ponder and calculate over the thing at leisure. I shall not be fool
enough to strip myself of the fruits of my toil and thrift, if it is not
for a very good reason; let us see first, which way things turn. Hi!
friend, what means this display of goods? Are you moving or are you going
to pawn your stuff?

FIRST CITIZEN. Neither.

SECOND CITIZEN. Why then are you setting all these things out in line? Is
it a procession that you are starting off to the public crier, Hiero?

FIRST CITIZEN. No, but in accordance with the new law, that has been
decreed, I am going to carry all these things to the marketplace to make
a gift of them to the State.

SECOND CITIZEN. Oh! bah! you don't mean that.

FIRST CITIZEN. Certainly.

SECOND CITIZEN. Oh! Zeus the Deliverer! you unfortunate man!

FIRST CITIZEN. Why?

SECOND CITIZEN. Why? 'Tis as clear as noonday.

FIRST CITIZEN. Must the laws not be obeyed then?

SECOND CITIZEN. What laws, you poor fellow?

FIRST CITIZEN. Those that have been decreed.

SECOND CITIZEN. Decreed! Are you mad, I ask you?

FIRST CITIZEN. Am I mad?

SECOND CITIZEN. Oh! this is the height of folly!

FIRST CITIZEN. Because I obey the law? Is that not the first duty of an
honest man?

SECOND CITIZEN. Say rather of a ninny.

FIRST CITIZEN. Don't you propose taking what belongs to you to the common
stock?

SECOND CITIZEN. I'll take good care I don't until I see what the majority
are doing.

FIRST CITIZEN. There's but one opinion, namely, to contribute every
single thing one has.

SECOND CITIZEN. I am waiting to see it, before I believe that.

FIRST CITIZEN. At least, so they say in every street.

SECOND CITIZEN. And they will go on saying so.

FIRST CITIZEN. Everyone talks of contributing all he has.

SECOND CITIZEN. And will go on talking of it.

FIRST CITIZEN. You weary me with your doubts and dubitations.

SECOND CITIZEN. Everybody else will doubt it.

FIRST CITIZEN. The pest seize you!

SECOND CITIZEN. It _will_ take you. What? give up your goods! Is there a
man of sense who will do such a thing? Giving is not one of our customs.
Receiving is another matter; 'tis the way of the gods themselves. Look at
the position of their hands on their statues; when we ask a favour, they
present their hands turned palm up so as not to give, but to receive.

FIRST CITIZEN. Wretch, let me do what is right. Come, I'll make a bundle
of all these things. Where is my strap?

SECOND CITIZEN. Are you really going to carry them in?

FIRST CITIZEN. Undoubtedly, and there are my three tripods strung
together already.

SECOND CITIZEN. What folly! Not to wait to see what the others do, and
then . . .

FIRST CITIZEN. Well, and then what?

SECOND CITIZEN. . . . wait and put it off again.

FIRST CITIZEN. What for?

SECOND CITIZEN. That an earthquake may come or an ill-omened flash of
lightning, that a weasel may run across the street and that none carry in
anything more, you fool!

FIRST CITIZEN. 'Twould be a fine matter, were I to find no room left for
placing all this.

SECOND CITIZEN. You are much more likely to lose your stuff. As for
placing it, you can be at ease, for there will be room enough as long as
a month hence.

FIRST CITIZEN. Why?

SECOND CITIZEN. I know these folk; a decree is soon passed, but it is not
so easily attended to.

FIRST CITIZEN. All will contribute their property, my friend.

SECOND CITIZEN. But what if they don't?

FIRST CITIZEN. But there is no doubt that they will.

SECOND CITIZEN. But _anyhow_, what if they don't?

FIRST CITIZEN. We shall compel them to do so.

SECOND CITIZEN. And what if they prove the stronger?

FIRST CITIZEN. I shall leave my goods and go off.

SECOND CITIZEN. And what if they sell them for you?

FIRST CITIZEN. The plague take you!

SECOND CITIZEN. And if it does?

FIRST CITIZEN. 'Twill be a good riddance.

SECOND CITIZEN. You are bent on contributing then?

FIRST CITIZEN. 'Pon my soul, yes! Look, there are all my neighbours
carrying in all they have.

SECOND CITIZEN. Ha, ha! 'Tis no doubt Antisthenes. [708] He's a fellow who
would rather sit on his pot for thirty days than not!

FIRST CITIZEN. The pest seize you!

SECOND CITIZEN. And perhaps Callimachus[709] is going to take in more
money than Callias owns? That man want to ruin himself!

FIRST CITIZEN. How you weary me!

SECOND CITIZEN. Ah! I weary you! But, wretch, see what comes of decrees
of this kind. Don't you remember the one reducing the price of salt, eh?

FIRST CITIZEN. Why, certainly I do.

SECOND CITIZEN. And do you remember that about the copper coinage?

FIRST CITIZEN. Ah! that cursed money did me enough harm. I had sold my
grapes and had my mouth stuffed with pieces of copper;[710] indeed I was
going to the market to buy flour, and was in the act of holding out my
bag wide open, when the herald started shouting, "Let none in future
accept pieces of copper; those of silver are alone current. "

SECOND CITIZEN. And quite lately, were we not all swearing that the
impost of one-fortieth, which Euripides[711] had conceived, would bring
five talents to the State, and everyone was vaunting Euripides to the
skies? But when the thing was looked at closely, it was seen that this
fine decree was mere moonshine and would produce nothing, and you would
have willingly burnt this very same Euripides alive.

FIRST CITIZEN. The cases are quite different, my good fellow. We were the
rulers then, but now 'tis the women.

SECOND CITIZEN. Whom, by Posidon, I will never allow to piss on my nose.

FIRST CITIZEN. I don't know what the devil you're chattering about.
Slave, pick up that bundle.

HERALD. Let all citizens come, let them hasten at our leader's bidding!
'Tis the new law. The lot will teach each citizen where he is to dine;
the tables are already laid and loaded with the most exquisite dishes;
the couches are covered with the softest of cushions; the wine and water
is already being mixed in the ewers; the slaves are standing in a row and
waiting to pour scent over the guests; the fish is being grilled, the
hares are on the spit and the cakes are being kneaded, chaplets are being
plaited and the fritters are frying; the youngest women are watching the
pea-soup in the saucepans, and in the midst of them all stands
Smaeus,[712] dressed as a knight, washing the crockery. And Geres[713]
has come, dressed in a grand tunic and finely shod; he is joking with
another young fellow and has already divested himself of his heavy shoes
and his cloak. [714] The pantryman is waiting, so come and use your jaws.

SECOND CITIZEN. Aye, I'll go. Why should I delay, since the Republic
commands me?

FIRST CITIZEN. And where are you going to, since you have not deposited
your belongings?

SECOND CITIZEN. To the feast.

FIRST CITIZEN.